Living with the choice
by sazwilkie
Summary: My version of the Christian/Syed storyline after the Wedding takes place please note, future chapters will contain detailed same sex references
1. Chapter 1

As soon as he saw his father Syed smiled his first genuine smile for over 2 weeks. He had kept his pretence on his honeymoon so well that Amira hadn't noticed the change in him. But as soon as she was asleep Syed couldn't help himself. Sneaking outside to the balcony he wept uncontrollably for hours each night holding the only materialistic thing of Christian's he had. Pressing it close to his face he inhaled his scent and let it fill him up inside. He had shed so many tears on it that it no longer smelled of him. Syed cried even more at this.

By day he played the newly-wed husband perfectly. He spent every second with her, they took long walks together, hand in hand . Discussed their future together, their home, their children. Couples passed and awed at how in love they were.

But by night he felt his pretence wearing, his face hurt from the constant smile he felt he had to wear. His heart stung from not seeing him, not bringing himself to talk about him even in a friendly way. He and Amira had casually talked about everyone back home. Her father, his parent's, Tamwar, the business, even Shabnam appeared in a few conversations. But every time Amira mentioned his name Syed felt himself stiffen. Felt the feeling drop to the pit of his stomach, the bile rise inside of him for what he had done to him. How he had hurt, not just the only man, but the only person he had ever loved.

Night after night he had closed his eyes as he wept, unable to delete the image from his head. Christian bursting in, standing silently as Syed was moments away from becoming her husband. He just stood there, and stared. His eyes wide and full of hope, his lips still. No words were needed, Syed knew that. He knew why he was there and he was giving him the chance. The chance to choose him over her. The chance to make himself happy. Or to turn his back on him, on his own heart. That's when he knew Christian understood what he'd been going through. He could have stopped the wedding so easily and he knew it. All it would have taken was a few words from him and everyone would know. Everyone would look and realise that they were together, that Syed had deceived everyone. But he didn't do it. He wanted him to choose him, wanted it to be his choice. And it was. But it was the wrong one.

That final glance before he turned away almost killed Syed inside. The hope drain from him as realisation sunk in, the pain in his eyes as he understood. He'd lost. That look would haunt Syed until the day he died.

He could just about stand to see the look on Imam Ali's face as he realised who he was, realised that this was the man that had almost taken Syed away from his religion, from Allah. He barely manage to witness the look on his mother's face as she saw him burst through the door, petrified that he was about to destroy her family's reputation, her son's life. But he had to turn away from her as she smiled at his choice. Smiled as he turned away from him, smiled as he turned himself into a life he knew he'd never truly be happy in. She almost looked please that he was hurting.

And now they were home. The honey-moon was over and he would have to face seeing him again. At work, in the street, every single day for the rest of his life. He'd had no contact with Christian whatsoever since his wedding day. Every time he spoke to his mother he longed to ask after him but knew better than to mention his name to her.

Masood smiled as soon as he saw then and walked forward to greet them both.

_Syed: Dad!_

Syed embraced his father, a little to hard maybe, realising that he would soon be back on the square. Soon he might catch a glimpse of him, breathe the same air as him. He welcomed any from of closeness to the man he had missed so dearly.

_Masood: Welcome home._

He let go of his son and hugged his new daughter-in-law.

_Masood: How was the honeymoon?_

He glance at them both with a suggestive look on his face that basically said 'how was the sex'

Amira almost squealed through her smile.

_Amira: Amazing!_

Both turned to look at Syed but all he could do was smile. All his nights with her combined didn't compare to a single moment he had spent with Christian. He tried not to think of it every time she shed her clothes and slid in to the bed next to him, her hand nonchalantly making its way over his chest. He tried not to think of him as he kissed her neck or nibbled her lip. But he couldn't help it. After every time with her, as she lay wrapped around his body, her head resting on him, he felt the overwhelming feeling of guilt hit him. What was he doing to her? He had found a beautiful woman who loved him unconditionally, who had almost been disowned by her father over her dedication to stay with him, who was so desperate to please him, make him happy, that she had changed her lifestyle, and herself, just to be with him. Gone was the spoilt Amira he had first met. The one who wouldn't have looked twice at a penniless man like him. She had changed her life for him. Found a job, supported herself, even helped out at the unit when he had asked her to. And all because of him. And how did he repay her? By falling in love with a man. By forcing himself through the most uncomfortable sex with her. By lying to her every single day since his first kiss with Christian, and he would continue lying to her until the day he died.

_Amira: I can't wait to show you the photos!_

Masood looked and laughed.

_Amira: Naughty! Not those kind of photos._

She grabbed Syed's free hand as he and Masood carried their cases to the car. From the corner of his eyes he could see her still wearing the same smile that hadn't left her face since she first walked into the wedding ceremony.

_Syed: You sit in the front babe. I'm tired. I'll just close my eyes until we get home._

_Amira: OK_

She reached over and kissed him as he opened the car door for her, almost slamming it shut the second she was in. His anger at himself for what he was doing to everyone he loved was starting to rear its head. He was hurting everyone in his life. His father, so unaware of who his son was, would undoubtedly cast him out if he were to ever find out the truth. He would see his family ripped apart again at Syed's hands. His wife, so innocent in all of this, would be shunned, cast out, heartbroken. His mother, the one person he did not want to see. He dreaded to think of what she would say to him, face to face, alone for the first time since he admitted who he was, who he loved. She would never forgive him, he knew that, but her reaction when he got home scared him. And lastly Christian, the one person he never wanted to hurt was hurting the most, more than he himself. The only person who loved him for who he was, accepted him for who he was. The most important person in his entire life was breaking before his eyes and there was nothing he could do about it any more because he was the reason he was breaking. He was the reason his heart was shattered.

The drive home was quicker than Syed expected. He hadn't noticed the cars that passed him as he glanced absent-mindedly out of the car window, he hadn't noticed the conversation that flowed from the front seats, he blocked out everything, his mind filled with dread. as they pulled into Turpin Road, He hadn't noticed the people waving as the car slowly crawled it's way along. But he did notice the man standing in the door way. The tall muscular man, leaning back against the wall, another man pressed lightly against his body, whispering into his ear. And he noticed him catch his eye.

_Syed: Stop the car!_

_Masood: What?_

Syed tried the door handle but it wouldn't open. Bloody child locks he thought. He unwound the window and opened the door from the outside, his eyes never leaving the horrifying scene before him. He heard Amira call after him as he jumped from the slow moving vehicle, heard his father protest, but their words didn't register as he almost ran over towards him. Them.

Christian whispered into the stranger's ear and pulled his hands from his pockets. He was ready for this. For 2 weeks he had been coaching himself, perfecting the look he now wore on his face.

Syed had no idea what he would say to him. What could he say to him? Sorry? It was laughable. He approached them, his heart hammering in his chest, his stomach churning from the sight of him with another, the mental images of what they had been doing in his bed. Their bed. The bed Syed so often fell asleep in. The bed he dragged Christian into to show him how he loved him. He felt sick at the thought of another in that bed.f

_Syed: I'm back._

Christian stared at him, no emotion on his face or his voice. It was as though he was talking to a stranger.

_Christian: Enjoy yourselves?_

That was it? That was all he had to say to him. He expected some kind of temper, some kind of anger. But this? It felt like he was ignoring everything that had happened between them.

_Christian: Sorry, how rude of me. Andy, this is..._

_Syed: Is that it? Is that all you've got to say to me?_

He was too afraid to blink. He could feel the tears well up inside his eyes. He knew the second he closed them they'd flow.

_Christian: What do you want me to say Syed?_

_Syed? Syed?! When had he gone back to calling him Syed?_

Andy looked between both men.

_Andy: Syed?_

He turned to face Christian, an awkward look on his face.

_Andy: Look, babe, I'll leave you to it. I'll call you later._

Syed reacted before he thought. As he saw Andy lean in to kiss Christian's cheek he reached out with both hands and pushed him away from him, seeing him almost fall into the door behind him.

_Christian: What the hell is the matter with you?!_

Seeing him pull Andy away from the door by his hands Syed felt a fire burn inside of him. He had been jealous when he had seen Christian with James, but that was nothing compared to this. He didn't want this man anywhere near him. He didn't want him talking to him, touching him, kissing him.

_Andy: I'm fine, honest. Call me later OK?_

_Christian: Of course._

Syed stared straight ahead as his competitor brushed past him. Only he wasn't his competitor he realised. Christian wasn't his any more, he could see who he wanted. But that didn't make it hurt less.

_Syed: That was quick._

_Christian: Excuse me?_

_Syed: Bet you didn't even wait until I was on the plane did you? Probably had them lined up around the corner, a different one every night._

_Christian: And what's it got to do with you?_

He turned to open the door but Syed grabbed his hand and spun him back around.

_Syed: How could you? You said you loved me._

_Christian: Don't you dare. Don't you dare make this out to be my fault. What do you want me to do? Mope around for months on end while you play happy families? It's not my style._

_Syed: How could you get over me so quickly?  
_

_Christian: Me? No Syed, you beat me to that. You got over me so quickly you married a woman. Go home to your Wife, there's nothing here for you anymore.  
_

Syed's face fell as the door closed behind him. He was suddenly aware of the people in the car looking at him, waiting for his explanation._  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Heart fallen, he automatically placed one foot in front of the other and walked back towards the car. There was nothing there for him any more? Just like that? Everything he felt for him, gone, just like that?

_Amira: Syed? What was that about?  
_

Her voice broke the trance in his mind.

_Syed: Nothing.  
_

_Amira: But…  
_

Syed was so used to lying by now it just spilled from his mouth

_Syed: I recognised him, that bloke. He's Christian's ex.  
_

_Amira. So?  
_

_Syed: So he hurt him when they were together. I wanted to know what he was playing at, getting back with him.  
_

_Amira: And what's Christian's love life got to do with you?_

Syed's heart sank.

_Syed: Nothing. I'm just looking out for him. He's a… friend.  
_

Friend? He doubted he was even that any more. He saw his father and Amira glance at each other, puzzled looks on their faces.

_Syed: Are we going home? I'm tired.  
_

He stared back out of the window, at the door of the flat and remembered each and every time he had walked through there to see him waiting for him. The biggest smile spreading across his face as soon as he saw him. He had to get away from it.

The car pulled around the corner and Syed saw the café and turned away, closing his eyes tightly, hoping that the darkness inside his eyelids would somehow replace the image of the morning of his wedding. Where he had held his hand over the table, begged him not to go through with it. Rose from his chair to kiss him. He closed his eyes tighter and wiped the tears that fell.

Inside Christian was backed up against the door. He had forgotten. How could he have forgotten? As soon as he saw him it was as though he was looking at him for the first time again. He'd forgotten how beautiful his eyes were, the shape of his lips, the way they quivered when he spoke. He'd forgotten that he'd cut his hair. And he'd forgotten how his heart stopped for him. He'd used all his energy this past fortnight trying to focus on everything but how he felt for him that he hadn't stopped and listened to what his heart was saying. But he was listening now. Listening to its thumping rhythm against his ribs, hurting him as a punishment for the way he refused to let it feel what it wanted to, what it needed to. His heart wasn't his any more, it was still Syed's. How could he let himself forget that?

The past 2 weeks had passed in a blur for Christian. His days passed so quickly with the routine he had mastered quickly. It was as though he was on auto-pilot. Work was a no go area so he helped out in the Vic with Roxy, the café with Bianca, the chippy with Jane. Anywhere he could with anyone who was available. He woke up, showered quickly and was out of the flat within 30 minutes of his eyes first opening. As soon as he left his flat he would call Jane or Roxy, just to stop his mind thinking. He'd walk into the Vic, pulled pints, chatted away until closing time. His exhaustion began to show and he barely ate, which suited him. He found the pains in his stomach sometimes took over the pain in his heart when someone mentioned his name. No matter how hard he tried, he simply couldn't get away from his name. People asked if he heard from the happy couple. He was such good 'friends' with Syed after all. Roxy barraged him with questions of this no-name man that had clearly broken his heart. And Jane. Jane was worried out of her mind for him. She saw her little brother fall apart and there was nothing she could do about it. She knew the gallant face he wore was a sham, a happy mask protecting the true identity of his face. But she couldn't sympathise with him either. She knew what it was like to be in Amira's shoes. To have him try and steal her husband. So he avoided her conversations whenever possible.

But the nights were the worse. The loneliness that faced him when he closed his door behind him. The emptiness of his flat that he'd never noticed before because he hadn't needed to. He always had Syed there, in spirit if not in body. Every day he would call over staying for just minutes sometimes. But it was enough. To have him come to him, have him want to see him, that's what got Christian through the nights that he couldn't stay. But now? Now his movements echoed between the 4 walls. The walls Syed always felt safe in, his haven. Every noise he made rang in his ears. The place was just to quiet. For the first 3 nights after the wedding Christian slept on his sofa. He couldn't face lying in his bed alone. He couldn't face turning over to see the empty space beside him, knowing that Syed wasn't alone in his. After the 3rd restless sleep he'd decided enough was enough. He had to get over him. The only way he knew how.

He didn't ask Roxy to go with him, he didn't plan on staying there very long. Just long enough to find what he was looking for. Sex. A meaningless one night stand. It had worked in the past and he was damn sure he was going to make it work now. He even managed to convince himself that he missed his old life, the life he had before Syed came along. Man after man in his bed, none of them staying longer than he wanted them to. His address book on his mobile full to the brim, knowing each name on there would go running if he called. He heard his heart protest as he made his plans but ignored. He was getting good at that now.

He walked around the familiar club, waiting for someone to catch his eye but it was a wasted night. He had never been fussy. A cute smile and a pert arse was all he was ever used to look for. But he found flaws with every man that eyed him up that night. He was too tall, too short, he didn't like his eyes, he seemed to eager. Again he heard his heart screaming to him 'There's nothing wrong with any of them except for 1 thing. They're not him'. Sighing from his wasted night he he returned home alone. But he went back every night, each time coming home alone, sleeping alone.

And then he met Andy. He was the bar man in the club and he'd made the first move, spoke to him as he sat nursing drink after drink at the bar. He remembered the conversation.

_Andy: Broken heart?_

Christian answered him without looking up from the bottom of his glass.

_Christian: That obvious is it?  
_

_Andy: Well, good looking guy, alone, necking the vodka as though th country's about to run out of the stuff. It's not too hard to miss.  
_

He passed Christian a glass of water and smiled at him.

_Andy: On me.  
_

Christian laughed

_Christian: Wow, you really know how to impress a guy don't you?!_

He looked up and saw a handsome man smile back at him. A year ago he would have had him in his bed within the hour but now? He just didn't want to.

_Andy: Want to talk about it?_

Christian laughed and shook his head.

_Christian: It's a mind field, trust me!_

_Andy: The offer's there if you change your mind._

He pushed the water towards Christian's hands.

_Andy: Drink it, it'll help in the morning._

He watched as he walked away, his eyes falling to his arse and he laughed to himself. Nothing. He felt absolutely nothing. What the hell was wrong with him? He got up and walked away before his heart could answer him.

He stood in the door way waiting for the rain to ease before he started to make his way home. The last thing he needed now was to be wrapped up in bed all day with a cold. Then his mind really would go into overdrive. Just the thought of thinking of Syed made him weak. Every time he entered his head he couldn't stop himself picturing them together, on their wedding night.

The sound of a car horn broke his thoughts before he could get any further. He looked over and saw the bar man leaning over the passenger seat of his car, the window rolled down.

_Andy: Drive you home?  
_

Christian didn't know what to do. He'd waitied for this night after night, for some random stranger to show the slightest interest. But now it came down to it he wasn't sure.

_Christian: Um, look... I'm flattered but...  
_

_Andy: All I'm offering you is a lift home! It's late, the taxi queue is probably a mile long by now, it's raining...  
_

Christian smiled as he ran across the pavement and into the warm car, feeling the heat fill him up inside.

_Andy: Don't worry, I wont try anything!_

_Christian: Sure?_

_Andy: I'm not stupid. You're not over him, whoever he is. And im not about to be some kind of rebound fling! I'll wait!  
_

_Christian: You'll wait?!  
_

_Andy: Yeah. What? You think someone as good looking as you walks into that club every night?! Trust me, you're a sight for sore eyes!_

His cockiness made Christian laugh. It reminded him a little of Syed as well. He shook his head, as if it would throw his face from his mind

_Andy: You'll have to tell me where to go, I'm not the best at directions.  
_

Having a normal conversation was fantastic. They talked of nothing in particular, just random pointless talk, none of it containing Syed. Christian smiled for the first time in over a week.

_Christian: Just pull in over here thanks.  
_

Andy stopped the car just outside the door to his flat, the engine still running showed Christian that he meant what he'd said earlier. He wouldn't try anything.

_Christian: Thanks for the lift.  
_

_Andy: You're welcome. Listen, here's my number. I can just be a friend of you want. Or you can throw it in the bin as soon as you get in. it's your choice.  
_

Christian took the piece of paper and pocketed it. He could really do with a friend right now.

_Christian: Thanks.  
_

Andy smiled at him, a friendly smile, an almost sympathetic smile.

_Andy: So, will you use it?_

Christian looked down to his lap.

_Christian: I don't think I'd be very good company at the moment._

_Andy: Hey, you're not the first to have a broken heart and I seriously doubt you'll be the last. Just call me, if you want to. I'm a good listener._

Christian smiled and opened the car door. Just before he closed it he turned around and bent down.

_Christian: You working tomorrow night?_

_Andy: Yeah. Start at 10._

_Christian: See you then._

He stayed on the side of the road as he watched him drive off, seeing his smile in his rear view mirror. Just before he turned to walk into his flat he spoke aloud to himself.

_Christian: Right Christian. Time to move on._


	3. Chapter 3

He gazed at the familiar house and felt a pang of regret in his heart. This was to be his prison. In here he would have to play happy families, the loving husband, the obedient son. The man he wasn't. But he knew it was his own fault. He knew now that he should have taken one of the many chances Christian had given him. Even early on in their relationship he'd tried to tell him, warn him even, that he'd never be happy unless he could be himself. And now, just 2 weeks after getting married, he realised that he was right. He'd never be happy, never. His suffering would only deepen with time until, what? he couldn't take it any more? He'd crack and finally admit who he really was? Or he'd start affair after affair with any random man that took his eye? He didn't want either. All he wanted was sat in the flat around the corner, just a few feet away, but so far out of reach.

Amira was the first out of the car and ran lovingly into her new mother-in-law's outstretched arms. Syed couldn't hear their words, he hadn't moved from the back seat of the car. But he looked at his mother through the window. This was the moment he had been dreading. After the wedding she refused to speak to him, muttering only the words 'after you come home.' Now he was home and she hadn't met his eyes once.

_Masood: You getting out?_

Syed hadn't noticed his father open the door for him, only that his mother finally looked at him. She smiled as she ran up to him and smothered him in her embrace.

_Zainab: Oh my boy! I've missed you._

Syed held her but didn't hug her back, his arms simply rested around her waist. His emotions were shot to pieces.

_Syed: Mum..._

She reached up and whispered in his ear.

_Zainab: Later._

Pulling back slightly she held his face in her hands, her face unreadable.

_Zainab: We'll talk later._

Syed could feel his emotions rise up inside him again, threatening to spill over, burst from his eyes at any second.

_Zainab: So, how was it? Did you enjoy? How was the weather?_

_Amira: Slow down Auntie! Let's get in the house!_

She slid her arm around Syed's waist and beamed her big smile. Zainab looked into her son's face but he couldn't meet her eyes.

_Zainab: Tamwar should be back soon, then you can tell us all about it, together._

_Syed: Actually, I'm going to go for a lie down._

_Amira: You OK babe?_

_Syed: Yeah. Jet lag._

She reached up and kissed him on the cheek, not feeling him winch slightly from her touch. He walked up the stairs and opened his bedroom door and saw Shabnam's double bed where his single bed used to be. Of course, it was their bedroom now.

He stood in the door way, feeling the weight in his hunched shoulders. What had he done? What the hell had he done?  
Zainab: Syed?

He didn't turn to look at her, he didn't answer her, he just stood staring at the bed.

_Zainab: Syed, look at me._

_Syed: I'm tired ma._

_Zainab: Please Syed._

He turned around not knowing what to expect, what her face would show. Usually he could read his mother, know what she was thinking or feeling just by looking at her face. But downstairs her face was a blank. He had no idea what was going through her mind.

_Zainab: You made the right choice._

She stroked his cheek and gave him a sympathetic smile.

_Syed: Mum..._

_Zainab: Shh... Get some sleep. We'll talk later._

She closed the door behind her but Syed didn't move. Had he just dreamt that? He expected screaming, shouting, total denial from her. But sympathy, understanding even? That's what it felt like.

He sat down on the bed, his face in his hands, and allowed himself to cry. It physically hurt him, picturing Christian with someone else. He felt sick thinking of him in bed with another, naked with another, someone else's hands pleasuring him, someone else's lips kissing him. As much as it hurt he just couldn't stop thinking it. It was like a silent movie playing in his head. He could see him undressing him, touching his body, cupping him, stroking him, making love to him.

Syed got up off the bed and opened the window. He felt dizzy, the room was spinning around him and yet he still couldn't stop himself thinking. He gulped in the freezing cold air and let his body shiver.

He sat back down on the bed and buried his head in the pillow. The tears came again but with them came the anguished cries of a heartbroken man. He bit his pillow to muffle the sounds that were escaping him.

He loved him. He missed him. He should have chosen him.

When his eyes re-opened it was dark and the space in the bed next to him was empty. He turned to look at the clock. 3:26 am. He'd been asleep for almost 12 hours. 12 hours of troubled dreams, painful images and one beautiful recollection of what it felt like to be with him. His mind had been so drained of thoughts of Christian and Andy together that it had subconsciously driven forward one of their many nights that Syed had laid in his arms. He'd re-lived every touch, every kiss, every thrust into him and woken up, his cock hard and throbbing, desperate for relief.

He rolled onto his back and starred at the dark ceiling above him trying to fill his head with any thought apart from him, anything that would reduce his stiffness. But it was useless. He finally gave in and began stroking his hard cock, wrapping his hand around it and violently tugging, desperate to relieve himself. Closing his eyes he let his mind wander back to their first night together, the first time they'd kissed. How they hadn't even made it up the stairs of Christian's flat before Syed had succumbed to him. He knew then that he was different. The way he held him made him feel like he was the only person in the world.

He remembered how addictive Christian tasted, how it felt to have him in his mouth, feeling himself gagging as he pushed his cock deeper down his throat. And he remembered how much he enjoyed being pinned up against the wall as he drove himself deeper inside of him, both screaming each others name as they orgasmed together. Syed could still hear himself begging him to fuck him harder, faster, deeper. He could never get enough of him once he was inside him.

Syed felt his orgasm rise inside him and bit his lip to silence his pleasure. His hand moved faster with each second, gripping the bed sheets as he finally exploded onto his chest, a smile rising on his face, the beautiful face of Christian in his mind.

Slowly he crept down the stairs. He was wide awake and knew that laying in bed was useless. He opened the kitchen door and turned on the light, almost jumping out of his skin when he saw the figure sat at the table.

_Syed: Mum? You made me jump! What are you doing down here?  
_

_Zainab: The baby's keeping me up. You know I swear it's going to be nocturnal. I don't get a peep from it in the day. Then, as soon as I go to bed, it starts behaving like David Beckham. Kicking like crazy._

Syed half smiled, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable to be in his mother's company.

_Syed: I'll leave you too it.  
_

Zainab reached out and took her son's hand.

_Zainab: Sit down Syed, I haven't even spoken to you yet. Not properly._

Syed avoided her eyes as he shifted himself into the chair next to her.

_Zainab: How was the honeymoon?_

_Syed: Fine._

_Zainab: Fine? It was your honeymoon! It should have been more than fine!_

Her laughter disappeared as soon as his eyes met hers. She'd seen him cry before, wiped his tears away so many times. But never had she seen them fall so quickly, so heavily. Never had she seen her baby hurt so much.

_Zainab: Syed..._

_Syed: Don't mum, OK. Just don't._

_Zainab: But..._

_Syed: Why didn't you tell me._

She looked up into his face.

_Zainab: Tell you what?  
_

There was genuine wonder in her voice.

_Syed: The least you could have done was tell me._

_Zainab: Syed, I don't know what you're..._

_Syed: He's found someone else._

Zainab stared at him in a stunned silence.

_Zainab: That's nothing to do with us, with you. You need to focus your attention on Amira now._

_Syed: It has everything to do with me._

_Zainab: No, it doesn't_

_Syed: Yes it does mum! Why didn't you tell me? I did what you asked me too didn't I? I married her, I kept the respect of the family. But you couldn't even tell me this?_

_Zainab: Syed..._

_Syed: You know how I feel about him! You know I..._

He stopped himself, her eyes issued a warning not to say the words.

_Zainab: No, you don't. You only think you do. Syed, you're my son, I know you._

_Syed: You know me? You don't know the first thing about me mum._

_Zainab: I know that you are a good boy who loves his family and that you would never choose to destroy so many lives for a fling._

_Syed: It's always about choice isn't it. Why can't I have both mum? Why can't I be happy?  
_

_Zainab: You will be, I promise. As soon as you get that man out of your life, you will be. I have no idea what he did to you, what he said to you to make you think that you're like him but you're not._

_Syed: He didn't do anything._

_Zainab: Syed..._

_Syed: He didn't. It was all me. It was always all me._

Zainab sat and stared at her son. She had hoped desperately that she wouldn't nee to have this conversation with him. That a few weeks away would clear his head. But she was wrong.

_Syed: Mum, I'm sorry, I really am. But it was me who started this not Christian. I was the one in control, I was the one who called all the shots._

_Zainab: Well he should have known better. He should have said no._

_Syed: If it wasn't him it would have been someone else._

Zainab's eyes widened in a mixture of horror and surprise.

_Syed: What? There have been other's mum. You think he was the first?  
_

_Zainab: He will be your last._

Syed looked at her. Her face was hard, stern.

_Syed: You did didn't you. You thought he was the first? That's why you convinced yourself that everything was his fault. You thought he turned me._

Zainab's face hadn't moved. She was still taking in everything she had heard.

_Syed: Well he wasn't mum. None of this is his fault, it's no one's fault._

His tears had stopped for now, but he had to get out, away from everything.

_Syed: I can't be here right now._

_Zainab: Where are you going?_

_Syed: For a walk._

_Zainab: A walk?_

She spat the words, making them sound like a dirty code.

_Syed: Yes, mum. A walk. Clear my head._

_Zainab: And he'll help you do that will he?_

Syed stopped and slowly turned around to face her.

_Syed: I'm not welcome there any more. He's made that perfectly clear._

_Zainab: Ha, like he wouldn't let you in._

_Syed: No, mum. He wouldn't.  
_

He turned and left the house before she had a chance to reply. He didn't feel the cold wind nipping his face, he rain lashing down on him. He didn't feel anything. He was empty.

He walked around the square for what felt like hours but when he checked his watch it had barely been half an hour. His feet ached, his legs stung, his heart stopped.

He was standing outside the alley, their alley. He closed his eyes and remembered how Christian had dragged him down there, kissed him, ran his hand over his crotch until Syed had begged him to fuck him. His thoughts ran to the mammoth session they had shared back in his flat afterwards. How Christian had taken him in every position possible, how he had begged Syed to play with himself while he fucked him, how he laid on the bed afterwards and smiled as Christian had licked his chest clean.

He sat on the swings and stared at the alley door. He needed to see him, speak to him. Some form of contact, even if it was just going to be Christian screaming and shouting at him. He needed something.

He took out his phone and opened a new test message. He knew he wouldn't read it until the morning, but he needed him to know.

_'I'm by our alley'_

He stared at it for a second before punching in Christian number and pressed send.

A few feet away Christian sat at his kitchen table and picked up his beeping phone. It was 4 in the morning, it could only be Andy. He picked it up he saw his name on the screen.

_1 new message_

_Syed._

He opened the message and couldn't stop himself smiling. Their alley.

Shivering on the swings Syed heard a beeping from his pocket. He was awake? He clumsily fumbled in his pocket until his phone was in his hand. He opened the message.

_'What are you hoping to find there?'_

Syed sent his reply.

_'You'_


	4. Chapter 4

He knew it would hurt, kill him inside almost, but he had to do this. The pain that would follow would be worth it in the long term and he'd deal with that then. Right now there was only one thing on his mind. He convinced himself that he was doing the right thing as he put on his coat, opened the door and walked across the square. He was doing the right thing.

Syed shifted nervously on the swing checking his mobile every 10 seconds. His battery was full and he had a signal. So why hadn't he heard back? He wasn't coming, that's why. He shook his head, refusing to believe it. He had to come. He just had to.

Christian turned the corner and saw him, standing there, a small nervous smile on his face.

Syed felt a sudden rush of adrenaline surge propel him to his feet the second he saw him.

Christian walked straight passed him without meeting his gaze once, his face serious.

Syed watched him as he opened the door to the alleyway, glancing over his shoulder as he stepped inside.

Christian met his eyes for the first time and smirked as he saw him follow him.

Syed almost ran after him, swinging the door open just as it shut behind him. He stepped into the darkness, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. He held his hand in front of him but couldn't see it in the total darkness, and he couldn't see Christian. And he couldn't hear him either. He couldn't hear his breathing or his footsteps.

_Syed: Christian?_

Silence. Syed took a step forward into the unknown, his hands gliding against the wall to keep himself on track.

_Syed: Christian, answer me._

But still nothing.

Syed kept walking slowly forward, feeling his way against the wall. His blood pumping so loudly around his body, it rang in his ears.

_Syed: Christian, where are yo..._

He stopped as his hand hit a muscular arm. He was suddenly aware of how aroused he was.

His hand lingered for a moment over his coat, feeling the rippled arms beneath. God he'd forgotten how much he loved his body. He ran his hand down him, flitting his fingers over the palm of his hand, seconds away from reaching up to find his face. But Christian was quicker.

Syed felt 2 large hands on his chest and push him backwards until he hit the wall behind him. He couldn't see him but he could feel him, pushing himself up against him, his hands moving up to his neck, his breath in his face, his groin pushed hard against his leg.

_Christian: What do you want?_

Syed reached up, took one of his hands in his and moved it downwards until it reached his groin, moaning his reply as Christian rubbed him through his trousers.

_Syed: You._

He heard Christian groan quietly seconds before he crushed his lips onto Christian's. The second they touched both men lost control, theirs hands moving in a blur as together they explored all the familiar spots, the places they knew so well.

Syed felt the electricity from his touch surge through his entire body. That indescribable feeling that only came from his touch took control of him, and he let it. He let himself go the second he felt his hand on his cock, felt it harden more than it already was from his warm hands. He couldn't resist teasing him.

_Syed: Can I tell you a secret?_

Syed's voice was dirty, filthy even so Christian agreed, knowing he was about to hear something that would almost make him come.

Syed slipped his hand inside Christian's trousers and stroked him over his boxers.

_Syed: I was thinking of you earlier, when I was lying in bed, all alone._

Christian groaned as his finger gently circled him over the cloth.

_Syed: I lay there and thought of the first time you fucked me. Do you remember?_

Christian nodded, the words he tried to speak stuck in his throat.

_Syed: I remembered how you stroked me, played with me, fucked me before we even got up the stairs._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Oh, I'm Sy again am I?!_

His voice was playful, joking.

_Christian: You'll always be Sy._

Syed smiled as he moved his hand inside Christian's boxers, circling the tip of his hard, wet cock.

_Syed: I fucked myself earlier._

Christian felt his knees weaken and groaned aloud.

_Christian: You know I love it when you do that._

_Syed: There I was, lying naked on my bed, my hand wrapped around my cock, tugging myself hard, my wrist hurting from moving to hard, too fast._

_Christian: Fuck Sy..._

_Syed: Whispering your name as I felt myself coming, gripping the sheets as I'm wishing it was you that was moving on top of me, you making me come, you whispering my name back at me._

Christian's hands moved from inside Syed's trousers, up his body and grabbed his neck, tilting his head to the side as he breathed heavily into his ear.

_Christian: Last one Sy,_

_Syed: Huh?_

He was in such a state of ecstasy that his words didn't register in his mind. All he heard was his voice.

_Christian: One last fuck._

_Syed: Just once?_

Christian groaned. Once was never enough.

_Christian: OK, one last night. Our last night together is tonight._

Syed pulled away. He couldn't see his face but he didn't need to. The tone of his voice said it all.

_Syed: Shut up and fuck me._

Christian pushed himself up against him. 2 weeks of waiting bulging in his trousers, digging itself into Syed's thigh.

_Christian: Come with me._

_Syed: Gladly._

Christian laughed at the double meaning and the smile in his voice as he said it.

They walked across the square, neither speaking, both barely breathing, their eyes fixed straight ahead on the same object. The flat door.

The second he saw the key in the lock Syed lost control and pushed Christian against the door, driving his tongue into his mouth.

_Christian: Sy, someone will see._

_Syed: I don't care. I cant wait anymore_

Christian reached backwards and turned the key in the lock pulling Syed inside with him. The second the door closed behind them Syed forcefully backed him against the door and began stripping him. His coat was pulled down and thrown backwards, his belt tugged from around his waist, his trousers falling to the floor the second they were undone. Christian tried to take control but Syed wouldn't let him. He'd never seen him so fuelled by lust before.

_Christian: Sy, upstairs._

_Syed: No, I can't wait for you any longer._

_Christian: it's only a few steps._

_Syed: fine. We'll meet half way._

He ripped Christian's shirt open, his buttons spilling onto the floor and ran his cold hands over his chest, feeling his skin react to his icy touch. His hands ran down his chest and tucked the tips of his fingers in between the waist band of his boxers and his skin. Pulling him away from the door, his tongue still probing his mouth, he turned him around and forcefully pushed him down until he was sat on the stairs.

_Christian: halfway?_

He asked playfully.

_Syed: shut up and fuck me_

He stood in front of him and began removing his jumper, pulling it slowly over his head until his bare chest was just inches away from Christian's face. He took a step forward but Christian leaned backwards on the stairs.

_Christian: don't stop. It's just starting to get interesting._

Syed's face was serious, determined. He'd missed him

His eyes never left Christian's as his hands undid his belt

_Christian: slowly._

He slowly kept his focus, revelling in the fact that Christian couldn't take his eyes away from his hands slowly unbuttoning his jeans. He took another small step forward until his almost exposed groin was closer to him. Slowly he pulled his jeans down, smiling when Christian saw him bulge through his boxers. He subtly stepped out of his trousers and kicked them behind him as he put the tips of his thumbs inside his boxers, about to lower them.

_Christian: wait._

He stood up and walked around him, his hand gliding over his chest, down his side and up his back. Syed shuddered at his soft touch.

_Christian: I want to know if you'll do as you're told?_

Syed nodded, his breath escaping him through his mouth in short raspy pants.

_Christian: Drop them._

Syed began to lower the last piece of clothing on his body, feeling them as they fell down his legs and onto the floor. Christian smiled.

_Christian: Don't move._

His head was on his shoulder, whispering in his ear.

_Christian: You move and you'll get nothing. Understand?_

Again, Syed nodded as Christian grabbed his hand and placed it on his own cock, wrapping his fingers around it.

_Christian: Fuck yourself. Slowly._

Syed groaned as he slowly moved his hand up and down himself.

_Christian: Slower._

Syed's hand slowed a little,

_Christian: Slower._

His hand barely moved. This was torture. He could feel his cock twitch in his own hand, begging to be stroked, to be fucked.

_Christian: Better_

Syed felt him move away from behind him, a single finger running down the middle of his back. His finger traced his inner thigh, slowly moving downwards. He never heard him shuffling in the pocket of his trousers, only the sound of him unrolling the rubber onto himself as he kissed the inside of Syed's thigh, his breath slowly heightening his pleasure.

_Christian: Let's see if I remember._

He traced his tongue up the back of Syed's knee, smiling as Syed groaned and fell forward.

_Christian: I thought I told you not to move?_

Christian stood up and ran his finger upwards between Syed's cheeks, pushing his shoulder back down as he tried to get up.

_Christian: No, no, no. That's exactly how I want you._

He brushed his tip against Syed's opening, leaving it linger as he saw Syed dig his fingernails into the carpet. His groin moved backwards, trying to push himself onto him.

Christian: In a rush are we? I thought I'd tease you a little first.

_Syed: Don't. Please, fuck me._

_Christian: Seeing as you asked nicely._

He gripped Syed's sides with both his hands and slowly pushed himself in, feeling that idyllic bliss take over him. Syed let out a roaring sigh of relief as he finally felt him inside of him again.

_Syed: Please, go hard._

Christian mouth curled into a dirty smile as he realised he hadn't changed. He still liked it rough.

_Christian: How hard?_

_Syed: Fuck Christian, as hard as you can go._

_Christian: You asked for it._

He drove himself into him, feeling his pelvis slam Syed's arse, feeling his insides react to him. He'd never last long if he carried on like this but he didn't care. He pushed Syed's lower back down slightly, angling him so he could fuck him deeper still, standing on his tip toes to reach as far in as he could.

Syed screamed out in a mixture of pleasure and pain. This was what he wanted. He was what he wanted.

_Syed: Harder. Please go harder._

With his hands on the step in front of him, Syed used every ounce of strength in his body to push himself backwards onto him, he wanted him inside him, deeper than he had ever been before. He felt his palms burn from the weight of his body and Christian's thrusts but he didn't care.

He felt himself stretch, adjusting to Christian's girth, feeling nothing but pure joy. His entire body cried out it's approval of finally being back here, back with him. Syed groaned and pushed his arse up further as his hands began to stroke his sides, his nails leaving faint red marks as he scraped him on their way back down.

_Syed: Fuck I've missed you!_

Christian pulled out of him, spun him around as he pulled him to stand up and kissed him hard. He'd longed to hear those words for so long and now he'd finally spoken them.

_Christian: I've missed you too. So much._

He pushed him back against the wall, hooked one of his legs up in his arms and pushed himself back into him, hard.

_Syed: Fuck Christian!_

Syed took his face in his hands and kissed him slowly, softly. With love.

_Syed: Please, don't ever stop. I want you in me forever. I need you in me forever. This feeling, I can't live without it._

Syed's words softened as his orgasmed peaked, tightening around him.

_Christian: Come for me Sy. Show me you still want me._

Syed wrapped his arms around his neck as he began to scream his name.

_Christian: Louder Sy, scream louder._

_Syed: Fuck babe, I'm coming._

_Christian: I can feel it._

_Syed: Come with me. Please come with me._

_Christian: I'm ready, i'm waiting for you._

Syed felt himself tighten, his insides screamed from the elation that took control of him. He bit down on Christian's shoulder as he screamed louder than he ever had, as he came harder than he ever had, as he felt himself tighten more than he had ever done.

He screamed as he felt Christian push up him, the last few thrusts catching his breath in his throat, gasping from his relief.

_Christian: Sy, I_

Syed kissed him before he could say anything. He wasn't ready for this to end yet. He wasn't ready to say goodbye.

_Syed: I love you._

He saw the pain in his face as he said it, spoke the words he knew he had no right to say to him.

_Syed: I'm sorry but I do. Nothing's changed. How I feel about you, it's still the same. More actually._

Syed laughed.

_Syed: I actually love you more! Every second of every day, I love you more._

Christian fought back his tears.

_Christian: Show me._


	5. Chapter 5

_Syed: Show you?_

His mouth curled up into a dirty smile. His mind danced from the thoughts of what he was going to do to him. The thought of every single thrust into him sent a new surge of adrenaline through his body.

_Christian: Yeah. Show me.  
_

_Syed: I'll do more than show you!_

Syed reached his hand down, ran it down over Christian's cock, over his balls and down the inside of his leg.

Christian closed his eyes as he revelled in his touch, tilting his head backwards slightly as he stroked him, tracing his finger down the inside of his thigh.

_Syed: Later._

Christian's eyes snapped open and stared at the wall in front of him. He looked down to see Syed gathering his clothes in his arms, tugging on his boxers.

_Christian: Sy, you promised._

His voice was almost a sigh. He'd hoped he wouldn't be like this. He'd been serious when he'd told him that it was the last time.

_Syed: I know.  
_

_Christian: Tonight was going to be our last night. I can't carry on like this.  
_

_Syed: I know._

He was confused. Syed was smiling at him? Why was he smiling?

_Christian: So?…_

Syed reached up and kissed him gently on the lips.

_Syed: So nothing. You said tonight was going to be our last night and I agreed didn't I?  
_

_Christian: So what's with the 'later' then?  
_

_Syed: You need to be more specific._

_Christian: Specific? Sy, What are you on about?  
_

The smile was still there. What was going on?

_Syed: I've found a loop-hole.  
_

_Christian: A loop-hole?  
_

_Syed: Yeah. You said tonight was our last night.  
_

_Christian: Yeah?_

_Syed: Tonight?_

_Christian: Sy...  
_

Syed smiled and stroked his cheek.

_Syed: It's only 5 in the morning, our last _**night **_hasn't actually happened yet has it?  
_

Christian opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. He was at a loss for words. He looked at Syed's face. He was wearing the same smirk he always did when he got one over on him. That same irresistible smirk.

_Christian: Sy,  
_

_Syed: What?! Look, I'm sticking to what you said aren't I?!_

Christian laughed and pulled him back into his arms, tightening his grip slightly.

_Christian: You are a very naughty boy Syed Masood._

_Syed: Am I? And what are you going to do about it then?_

Christian leaned in and kissed him.

_Christian: I'm going to let you fuck me._

Syed groaned.

_Syed: Finally! I thought you were going to actually let me leave then! Get the hell up those stairs now._


	6. Chapter 6

_Christian: Touch me._

He was lying on the bed, his eyes still closed from his promise to Syed minutes ago. He could feel him near, feel the heat from his svelte body, almost feel his breath awakening his skin. He knew he was there, close to him, ready to pounce. But he kept him waiting.

_Syed: where?_

Christian laughed.

_Christian: where do you think?!_

Syed looked down at him, taking in every inch of his muscular frame and laughed as Christian twitched his cock.

_Syed: Christian!_

_Christian: What? You asked didn't you?!_

Syed smiled. He'd relaxed so much since downstairs, since he'd told him he'd be back tonight. He was back to being him, laughing, joking, filthy as hell! Everything Syed fell in love with was now back and he'd never felt happier.

He leaned over him and slowly crawled up his body, licking every inch of him on the way up smiling as he felt his skin tingle against his tongue. He loved the feel of his skin against his lips, the way his tongue easily glided up his smooth chest.

Christian felt his entire body shudder from his touch. His lips slowly traced their way up his body, his tongue sending his impatient cock into a frenzy as he licked his chest.

_Syed: We don't have much time_

For the first time Christian didn't mind. He didn't care that it would be quick or rushed. He knew he'd be back later. He smiled as his naivety from this morning vanished. He should have known Syed would find a way out of it, found some way to have the last word as always. And he was so glad he had.

_Christian: You'd better get started then._

Christian spread his legs, almost willing Syed to fuck him straight away, feeling his anticipation heighten from knowing he was just seconds away from feeling him inside him again for the first time in months.

_Christian: I hope you haven't lost your touch._

_Syed: My touch?_

_Christian: No one's ever made me come as quick as you do._

Syed smiled. He was ready to go, his throbbing cock desperate to release its excitement into the condom he had slipped on without Christian noticing. He'd almost asked him if he could go bare again. He'd never felt anything like it before but decided to wait.

_Syed: Well, let's see shall we?_

He pushed himself gently into him catching Christian by surprise. Both men shuddered in unison, both surprised by how much they had forgotten, how the feeling each felt was so much better than they remembered. And what they remembered was breathtaking.

Syed fucked him slowly, pushed his cock deep into him, felt him tighten around him. He never wanted it to stop. His hand made its way down from his face and found his cock, hard and wet. He moved his hand up and down it quickly, its speed the complete opposite to how he fucked him.

Christian moaned as his hand moved quicker with each stroke. The contrast in speed as he was double fucked was sensational. He could hear himself call his name, begging him not to stop but he couldn't register his mouth saying the words. All he could think of was the way his orgasm was rising through him, his entire body screaming at it to subside, to make this last that little bit longer.

Syed reached up and kissed him, too afraid to speak. Everything he wanted to say would only make it worse, tear the pieces of their hearts that little bit more. His heart hadn't been whole since his wedding day. The moment his mother had dealt that life shattering blow he'd felt it crumble.

_Christian: Sy?_

_Syed: Mmm?_

He was in such an idyllic state of bliss his words had failed him. Every inch of him was gladly losing itself to Christian, to the way his hands ran up Syed's back, his fingers circling him on the way back down. The way he moved himself into him, his groin desperately trying to win its battle against Syed's weight on it so he could fuck him quicker.

_Christian: Don't stop._

He'd given in. He could feel his cock refusing to adhere to the silent warning his mind was giving it and he didn't care. This was what he'd been waiting for.

_Syed: I don't plan to._

He said, not adding the 'ever' his mind was thinking at the end. His left arm was aching from his weight but he hardly noticed. All he could feel was Christian's cock exploding in his hand, seeing his face as he screamed his name from his satisfaction. His chest rose and fell with his long deep breaths as he continued to whisper his name.

_Syed: You OK?_

He had slowed down, almost stopping, as his hand continued to gently stroke Christian's now half limp cock. He had never seen it completely soft.

_Christian: Fuck, I love it when you do that!_

_Syed: That was quick!_

_Christian: Mmm, I know. I'm not sorry tho!_

He smiled as he could still feel the last few tingles shoot through his body, his orgasm refusing to die down completely.

Syed laughed at him and moved his face down to kiss his neck, Christian's fine chest hairs ticking him slightly under his chin.

_Christian: Sy!_

_Syed: What?_

Christian pushed him away from him and looked him in the eyes. As he ran a single finger up his chest Syed realised. Christian showed him his finger, covered in his come, and was about to lick it when Syed grabbed his hand, placed it in his mouth and sucked it, moaning as he tasted him again.

_Syed: God, you still taste good._

Christian continued to feed him bit by bit as his hips moved slowly into him, gently picking up the pace with each thrust. He could see in his eyes that he was holding back, that he was desperate to come so he let himself go.

Syed felt him tighten around him, squeezing him tightly and threw his head down onto his chest, his hips moving rapidly, almost mimicking the quick beat of his heart.

_Syed: I can't wait anymore_

_Christian: Then don't_

He reached down and slapped Syed's arse so hard he saw his head swing backwards as he cried out.

_Syed: Do it again!_

Christian laughed as he saw the look on his face and did as he asked.

_Christian: Come on Sy, fuck me. I can see you're ready to come, I just need to feel you._

Again he slapped his pert arse, feeling Syed edge that little bit closer to his climax.

_Christian: I'm ready for you. I'm ready to come. I'm ready to squeeze you._

_Syed: Oh, fuck!_

Christian felt him drive into him harder and couldn't resist screaming his name.

_Christian: Harder Sy, you know I like it rough._

_Syed: You asked for it._

He withdrew himself and turned Christian over, pulling him up onto his hands and knees. Before Christian could say anything he heard Syed rip off the condom.

_Syed: You want it rough? Then rough is what you're going to get._

He drove himself into him so hard that Christian lost all control in his legs. He collapsed underneath him, bringing Syed down with him.

Syed: Back up, you're not getting out of it that easily.

His cock still moving in him, he pulled Christian back up held onto his hips.

_Syed: Still want it rough?_

He was shaking and could barely breathe but Christian nodded.

_Christian: Yeah._

Syed traced his hands down his back, digging his nails in as he moved in him quicker than he had ever done before. The feeling was out of this world, knowing that he was actually inside him like this, feeling every inch of him on his bare cock. He loved it.

_Christian: Sy, I can't hold on much longer._

Syed could feel him almost suffocating his cock and knew he'd never last.

_Syed: Yeah, well I want to try something first._

He withdrew himself completely and pushed 3 of his finger up where his cock had just left.

_Christian: Sy?!_

_Syed: Come for me._

He moved himself into him quickly, feeling him push his finger together as he sat there and stroked his own cock.

_Syed: Come for me Christian._

As if on cue he felt his insides contrast as his orgasm gripped his fingers, pulling them deeper inside him, his stifled screams into the pillow over took any words that tried to escape his mouth.

Syed withdrew his fingers and pushed his cock back in, surprised at just how tight he now was. He had barely managed the second thrust when he felt himself explode inside him, his entire body straining to keep up with his intense orgasm. His vision blurred slightly as he realised that this was the best he had ever had, the best he ever would have.

Too afraid to remove himself from him, too afraid to admit that it was over, Syed leaned forward and kissed Christian's back, breathing in his intoxicating scent as he did so.

_Christian: You OK?_

_Syed: I can't see!_

Christian laughed and fell down on the bed, Syed falling with him.

_Christian: You can't see?!_

_Syed: Everything's kind of... blurry!_

_Christian: I do have that effect on people!_

Syed playfully dug his hand into his ribs and moved off him, letting him turn over underneath him.

_Christian: Do that again and I just might not let you in tonight._

His face was joking, his voice had laughter in it. Syed knew he wasn't serious but he couldn't help his face falling.

_Syed: Please. Don't say that._

Christian saw the disappointment in his eyes the most. His big chocolate eyes that he found the most irresistible thing on his entire body.

_Christian: You'd better kiss me to say sorry then hadn't you?_

Syed smiled.

* * *

As he walked down the stairs, Christian following on behind him, he sighed. Only once more would he come through this door. After that, well, he didn't even want to think about it.

_Christian: What time will you be back?_

_Syed: About 7? Is that OK?_

_Christian: Perfect. Do me one thing before you come tho. Have a bath._

_Syed: A bath?_

_Christian: Yeah, a bath. Lock the door and take your phone with you. There's something I want you to try._

Syed's lips curled as he realised what he was going to teach him.


	7. Chapter 7

As he made the short journey home he couldn't stop smiling. People stopped him and asked how his honeymoon was, how was Amira, how was married life? Every question they asked should have brought him crashing back down to reality but nothing could erase what had just happened from his mind, his face was tattooed on the inside of his eyelids, smiling back at him every time be blinked.

And he couldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen later. In just a few short hours he would be back in his arms, back to being Syed, the real Syed. Tonight was going about so much more than sex, it was about them being together, spending those last few precious hours together as a couple, a gay couple. Syed had no qualms about saying it anymore. He knew what he was, and he was finally comfortable in admitting it. He was gay and in love with a man. Not just any man, Christian.

He opened his front door quietly, hoping everyone was still asleep, gently twisting the latch as it closed so it didn't click and echo around the house.

_Amira: There you are! Where have you been?_

She ran up to him and held him tightly.

_Amira: I've been worried._

Syed held her back, her hair swinging in his face.

_Syed: Sorry, I just went out for a walk._

_Amira: Why was your mobile switched off? I've been ringing you for about half an hour._

Syed reached inside his pocket and turned his phone back on.

_Syed: Sorry. I must have knocked it off._

He released himself from her arms and took off his coat, walking towards the kitchen. When he opened the door he saw his mother still sat at the table, looking as though she hadn't moved since he'd left her there hours ago.

_Amira: He's finally come home Auntie. Your mother's been going out of her mind Syed. She said you left hours ago._

He looked at the back of his mother's head. He didn't need her to turn to face him, he knew from her rigid frame that she knew where he'd been.

_Syed: And I've said I'm sorry. I didn't realise the time._

_Amira: Right, well I'm going to get changed. You promised to take me shopping this morning. Remember?_

_Syed: Of course babe._

He smiled and kissed her cheek, she forgave him instantly. As soon as she left the kitchen he felt the atmosphere change. He could feel his mother's eyes burning into his back as he filled the kettle.

_Zainab: Please tell me you weren't with him._

Syed said nothing. He couldn't lie to her. She was the only one who could see through him.

_Zainab: Syed. Tell me you weren't with him._

He had to think fast, find a way to make her hear what she wanted to without actually lying to her face.

_Zainab: Syed!_

_Syed: Would you believe me mum?_

_Zainab: Yes!_

_Syed: No, you wouldn't. No matter what I'd say you wouldn't believe me. If I said I wasn't with him you'd call me a liar, if I said I was you'd refuse to believe it. So I can't win can I? Nothing I say anymore makes any difference. You can barely look at me without disgust in your eyes!_

He turned back around unable to see her heart break through her eyes for a moment longer than he had to, his heavy breathing was the only sound in the room.

He heard the chair scrape on the floor and saw her standing at his side.

_Zainab: I want you to promise me that you won't see him again._

_Syed: Mum..._

_Zainab: Promise me Syed. Promise me that you'll stay away from him. That you'll never have anything to do with him again._

He stared into his mother's eyes, feeling a sudden rush of courage.

_Syed: And if I don't?_

He walked away from her and into the hall way, knowing the conversation would have to stop, and up the stairs.

* * *

As he entered the bedroom Amira was already dressed and was brushing her hair.

_Amira: Is your mum OK now?_

_Syed: I think so?_

_Amira: She's been in a foul mood all morning. She almost snapped my head off when I said I'd slept in your sister's room!_

_Syed: Why did you sleep in there?_

_Amira: When I came up to bed last night you were sprawled out in the middle of the bed, completely out of it! You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you._

Her smiled lit up her face as she trotted over to him.

_Syed: Sorry. Must have been more tired than I thought._

_Amira: You can make it up to me tonight!_

She ran her hands around his waist until they rested on his cheeks. Playfully, she squeezed them.

_Syed: You're the boss._

She was making her way towards the door, happily smiling, when Syed saw his chance. Without thinking he spoke.

_Syed: Have you been to see your dad yet?_

_Amira: Ugh, no. Why?_

_Syed: Why don't you go and see him tonight?_

_Amira: Tonight? You're eager!_

_Syed: Don't you think you should see him on your own first, you know, test the water for me!_

He flashed her his irresistible smile, the one no one could defy.

_Amira: What are you going to do?_

_Syed: I think I should go and see Christian. Clear the air._

_Amira: Aw babe, that's such a good idea. It's about time you two made up. Do you think you should call him first tho? Just in case his boyfriend's there? Three's company you know!_

Syed felt a false smile stretch onto his face. Andy. He'd forgotten all about him.

_Syed: Yeah yeah, I'll um... I'll speak to him later. Just do me a favour, don't mention this to my mum._

Amira eyed him suspiciously, her smile fading slightly.

_Amira: Why?_

_Syed: They argued when we were away and you know what mum's like!_

_Amira: They argued? How do you know that?_

Shit!

_Syed: I saw Lucy when I was out walking. She had a bit of a go. When I asked her what she was on about she told me._

_Amira: Well. Did she say what about?_

_Syed: I didn't ask babe._

_Amira: OK, well we'll just tell her we're both going to see my dad. That way everyone's happy!_

* * *

Christian ran from the bathroom as soon as he heard it. Where the hell was his phone? He could hear it's shrill ring but couldn't see it anywhere.

_Christian: Hang on, hang on! Damn it!_

The ringing had stopped. Once he eventually found it under the bed he looked heartbroken at the screen.

1 missed call.

Andy.

He sighed as he found his name in his phone book and pressed dial. He answered after just 2 rings.

_Andy: I didn't wake you did I?_

_Christian: No, I was just in the shower. You OK?_

_Andy: Me? I'm fine. How about you? How did it go._

Christian smiled.

_Christian: He found a loop-hole!_

_Andy: Sorry What?_

_Christian: Syed. He found a loop-hole. He's coming back tonight._

He heard Andy sigh at the other end of the line and braced himself for the 'you have to stop this' talk.

_Andy: I thought you said it was going to be your last time?_

_Christian: Our last night. I said our last night._

_Andy: Same thing. Why did you let him talk you around? Christian, you're just making this harder for yourself._

_Christian: Calm down! He's clever, Syed!_

_Andy: Meaning?_

_Christian: Meaning that seeing as we didn't actually start anything until the early hours of this morning, out last night together hasn't actually happened yet. Like I said, loop-hole!_

_Andy: Christian, this isn't some legal contract you're trying to get out of, this is your heart your playing about with!_

_Christian: Oh, look, please don't start OK. After tonight that's it, done, finished._

He stopped talking. The realisation of his words had just slapped him in the face. That would be it. It really would be finished.

_Andy: I can't stop you doing what you want to, I'm just worried about you, that's all. Look, tell you what. I'm working tonight. If, after he's gone and you feel low, give me a call and I'll come over._

_Christian: Thanks but um... I'll be OK._

Over? No more Syed?

_Andy: Just think about it OK? I'm here if you need me._

_Christian: Thanks._

It's not you I need he thought.

_Andy: Speak to you later OK?_

_Christian: Yeah. Oh and And?_

_Andy: Yeah?_

_Christian: Thanks. For not shouting too much!_

_Andy: Don't worry, i'm waiting to see you face-to-face._

Thankfully he laughed.

Christian hung up the phone, the frightful thought still in his mind.

No more Syed.

* * *

As they walked back in the house his mother was still wearing the same displeased look on her face that she'd been wearing since early that morning. Syed couldn't look at her. She smiled as she nuzzled into his neck, totally oblivious to his entire body turning rigid from the thought.

_Amira: Babe? Are you coming with me? To Chelsea's?_

_Syed: Actually I was going to have a bath._

_Amira: Mmmm, want some company?_

_Syed: No, you promised Chelsea you'd go see her._

_Amira: OK. I'll just go and get changed._

She kissed his cheek as she ran up the stairs, not noticing that his phone was out of his pocket and in his hand before she reached the top.

* * *

Christian picked up his beeping phone and smiled as he read his message.

Give me 10 minutes x

* * *

He turned the key to look the bathroom door, his heart hammering in his chest, his phone ready and waiting in his hand.

_Syed: Come on Christian_

He whispered as he lay back in the tub. He was already hard and sore. It had only been a few hours but his cock was so desperate for more it was almost throbbing. His phone vibrated in his hand and he opened the message.

Ready?

Shakily he replied.

Waiting.

10 seconds later his phone rang, Christian's name flashing on the screen.


	8. Chapter 8

Syed answered the phone quickly, he couldn't stand the waiting any more. He had an idea what was going to happen, what Christian was going to do, but he needed to know.

_Syed: Hi._

His breath echoed down the phone.

_Christian: I hope you're ready for this?_

_Syed: For what?_

_Christian: For the next hour, you're my personal sex toy._

Syed laughed

_Syed: Oh, am I now?_

_Christian: Yeah, deal with it. Now, lets see how many time I can make you come shall we?_

Syed smiled at the thought.

_Syed: And what exactly are you going to do to me?_

_Christian: I'm going to fuck you as you fuck yourself. Close your eyes._

Syed smiled again as his eye lids slowly closed.

_Christian: Picture yourself in my flat, lying on our bed, your body wet from the shower._

Syed's cock hardened still and he moved his hand down towards it. The sound of the water sloshing as he moved gave him away.

_Christian: I didn't tell you to touch yourself yet did I?_

_Syed: But..._

_Christian: No but's. That bit comes later._

Syed groaned quietly. This was going to be fun.

_Christian: You know, I can see you there, on the bed, lying on your stomach, your perfect arse staring up at me, begging my cock to enter it.  
_

_Syed: Please.  
_

His cock was positively bursting to be touched.

_Christian: Please what?  
_

_Syed: Please, let me fuck myself.  
_

_Christian: On one condition.  
_

Syed's eyes were shut tightly from the anticipation.

_Syed: What?  
_

_Christian: You tell me how it feels. How it feels to stroke yourself when you're thinking of me.  
_

_Syed: I will, I promise I will.  
_

Christian smiled on the other end of the phone. He lay back on the bed, his naked body tingling. He hadn't done this in a long time and he'd forgotten how much he enjoyed it.

_Christian: Reach down, slowly, and gently wrap your hand around my cock_

_Syed: Your cock?  
_

_Christian: That's right. Until this is over, that's my cock. My cock you'll be touching, my cock you'll be feeling and my cock you'll fucking until it comes._

Syed groaned again. He had no control over his thoughts, he could only picture Christian, naked.

_Christian: Now fuck me, slowly._

Syed's hand gently moved up and down as he allowed the images Christian was describing fill his head.

_Christian: Sy?_

_Syed: Mmm?_

_Christian: I'm brushing my lips across the back of your neck. Can you feel it? My warm breath right between your shoulder blades, as I start lightly kissing down your spine._

Syed groaned loudly completely forgetting his surroundings.

_Christian: Shh, shh, shh. Don't get too excited. Keep your voice low and your hand firm. I want you too fuck yourself slowly. You know I love it when you do that._

Syed's hand slowed as his mind almost exploded from his thoughts

_Christian: Can you feel me? Tracing that sexy little mole on your left hip with my fingernail, my tongue probing your mouth._

Syed's mind was re-enacting every word he heard in his head. He _could _feel him tracing it, feel him kissing him, feel his tongue in his mouth.

_Syed: Fuck me._

_Christian: I will, I'll fuck you hard don't you worry about that. But not yet. I want some fun first._

It was as though he was there, in his flat, on his bed. He still kept him waiting even though Syed knew he could fuck himself quicker, Christian was still in control. And Syed loved it.

_Syed: Don't stop._

_Christian: My hand's running up your back, making you shudder as I grab your hair and pull you close to me, kissing the back of your neck, rubbing my hands all over your body. Running my lips down your neck as I turn you over. I can feel your cock against my leg as I rub my tongue over your nipples, nibbling them. My soft lips slowly sucking them and then biting them hard."_

Syed's breath was quick, a small moan escaping his lips every few seconds as he imagined him on top of him, doing every single thing he was describing.

_Christian: I can feel you growing as I press my body against yours. Feel you hardening, digging into my side._

_Syed: I'm always hard around you._

_Christian: Are you hard now?_

_Syed: Mmm hmm._

_Christian: How hard?_

_Syed: Very._

_Christian: Very? Is that the best you can do? Tell me how hard, how it feels while I rub between your legs, sliding my finger inside of you, feeling you tighten around it._

Syed could feel his hand slowly pick up speed, his entire body jerking from its relief.

_Syed: __Try three finger and then we're talking._

_Christian: Tell me then._

_Syed: I can't._

_Christian: Why not?_

_Syed: I'm embarrassed._

Christian smiled.

_Christian: And that's what turns me on. Please Sy, tell me._

His voice was so soft he spoke in a deep hushed breath, the sound that always made Syed tremble.

_Christian: Just tell me what you picture yourself doing to me, how you're fucking me._

_Syed: I'm leaning over you, your cock in my wet mouth..._

_Christian: __The heat from your breath on my cock always makes me want you more._

_Syed: How about my tongue?_

_Christian: I love the things you do with your tongue._

_Syed: Even when it's barely touching you, skimming over you, making you jerk up towards my mouth, trying to get my mouth to fuck you._

Christian smiled.

_Christian: You're good at this._

_Syed: Am I?_

_Christian: Yeah. Use your mouth on me._

_Syed: You'd like that wouldn't you? For me to suck you dry. Squeeze every last drop from you, feel it running down inside me as I swallow._

Christian's hand picked up the pace, stroking his own cock quickly as he remembered what it was like to be in his mouth.

_Christian: I love it when you suck me like that_

_Syed: But you're not going to get that. I want you to come all over my face._

_Christian: Fuck Sy!_

_Syed: What's your hand doing?  
_

_Christian: The same as what yours is doing I hope._

Syed smiled, picturing him lying there, doing exactly what he was doing but the image of his face in his head. He never knew it could be such a turn on.

_Christian: I want you to kiss me, I want to feel those sweet lips all over me as you slowly slide yourself inside me._

_Syed: I love the feeling of being inside you._

_Christian: I want you to fuck me, ride me so hard that I scream your name._

_Syed: Hard enough for it to hurt?_

_Christian: You think it hurts? That's how I like it._

_Syed could feel his orgasm peaking._

_Syed: I'm not going to last much longer._

_Christian: Want to come?_

_Syed: Yes and no!_

_Christian: If you were here, I'd slap you on the arse and beg you to push yourself in deeper._

Syed could feel it rising inside him, the intensity was memorising.

_Christian: Are you going to come for me Sy?_

_Syed: Yeah, I'm going to come for you._

Christian had waited to say this, knowing it would send him over the edge.

_Christian: I love it when you push your cock so far into me_

Christian inhaled deeply

_Christian: I feel it touching my walls inside_

He inhaled deeply again

_Christian: warm_

And again

_Christian: wet_

And again

_Christian: moist_

And one last time

_Christian: tight._

Syed called out instinctively, biting his lip almost immediately to silence himself as he felt his cock exploding.

Seconds later he heard Christian call his name, knowing that he was coming as well.

_Syed: Don't stop, keep moving your hand._

_Christian: Fuck! Sy!_

_Syed: Say my name_

Christian's hand listened to what he had said and kept moving faster over his now empty cock but keeping his orgasm going those few seconds longer.

_Christian: I want you Sy, I want you here._

Syed smiled.

_Syed: I'll be there in an hour._


	9. Chapter 9

Christian leaned against his kitchen units and looked at the clock. 7.27. 3 minutes and he'd be here. He'd be here for the last time. He jumped as his mobile beeped.

_'meet me outside'_

He opened the door and looked out into the empty street. Then he saw him, running across to him from the doorway opposite, a bag in his hand. Christian still couldn't believe how even after all this time, one blast of his scent filled his nostrils and took over his entire body.

_Syed: Get your coat.  
_

_Christian: What?  
_

_Syed: Get your coat._

_Christian: Pulled have I?!_

_Syed: Very funny. You're going for a walk.  
_

_Christian: A walk?  
_

He looked at him confused.

_Syed: Please. I want to do something for you but I need you out of the flat for a bit.  
_

_Christian: Sy...  
_

_Syed: Please. Just give me half an hour.  
_

He handed him his coat from the hook behind him, his hand slowly stroking his face as he reached up, and opened the door. Christian sighed as he stepped out into the cold air.

_Christian: Where am I supposed to go.  
_

_Syed: That's up to you, just don't go to far. You could walk around the square a bit, let my mum see you. She's been watching me like a hawk.  
_

_Christian: What did you tell her? About where you were going.  
_

_Syed: She thinks I'm with Amira. She's gone to visit her dad.  
_

_Christian: Sy,  
_

Syed reached up and kissed him

_Syed: 30 minutes. I'll text you when I'm done_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

He sat on the bench in the gardens, the cold air nipping his face sharply. He resisted the urge to look over at the Masood's house. He could see the curtain twitch every so often and knew that the face he would see if he turned in that direction would enrage him.

* * *

Inside her home, Zainab peered out the window. How could he sit there, outside her house after everything he'd done? He must have seen him leave earlier. Well he was in for a shock if he was waiting for him to come back. Amira'd called and said they would be staying out late. Her father was taking them out for a meal, celebrate the wedding and their homecoming.

He'd be in for a long wait.

* * *

Inside the flat Syed rushed around, trying to make his plan come together in time, when he heard his mobile ringing in his pocket. He smiled as he realised how impatient Christian was but it wasn't him calling.

_Syed: Hi babe._

_Amira: Hi, listen, my dad wants me to stay the night, catch up._

Syed almost laughed from his luck.

_Syed: Right, OK babe. I'll just stay at Christian's, sleep on the sofa._

_Amira: You don't mind do you?_

_Syed: Of course not! Just let me know when you're on your way home in the morning. And don't forget to sing my praises!_

_Amira: I will! Night babe._

_Syed: Yeah, night._

_Amira: Love you._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

Syed stood in the door way and looked across the room. Perfect. He took out his mobile and sent him the message he'd been waiting to send.

_I'm ready for you._

His heart hammered in his chest. He had never felt so nervous before, not even that beautiful day that all this had started. That day when he'd first kissed him, first slept with him. His nerves back then were nothing compared to now, to tonight. And Syed knew why. Tonight wasn't about sex, it wasn't about their last time. Tonight was about about being together, just the two of them. It was about how he was desperate to show him he wished he could have chosen him, spent the rest of his life with him. Tonight was about love, and Syed was going to show him just how much he loved him.

Christian walked into a room he barely recognised. The walls danced from candle light, the floor and furniture scattered with rose petals. His furniture pushed back as far as it would go against the walls. On the floor lay a blanket, a bottle of champagne and 2 glasses. And there was Syed. Standing by the bed, afraid to see what Christian's reaction was going to be.

_Syed: Well?  
_

His smile was uneasy. He didn't like it.

Christian couldn't take it any more. He turned and walked out the door and sat on the top step, his head in his hands, seeing his tears fall onto the floor.

Syed stood in the doorway.

_Syed: Christian…  
_

_Christian: I can't. I can't do this. I want you to go.  
_

Syed sat down next to him and took his hand away from his face, turning it to face him.

_Syed: Look me in the eye and say it. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want this, you don't want me, and I'll go. I'll leave you alone. But not until you tell me.  
_

_Christian: Sy  
_

_Syed: I can't leave here until you say it.  
_

_Christian: I just did.  
_

_Syed: To me, not the floor. Tell me to go.  
_

Christian searched his eyes.

_Christian: Stay._

Syed moved his head forward slowly and tenderly kissed him felling his lips tremble as he kissed him back. He hated this, hated knowing how much he was hurting.

_Syed: I'm sorry. I just wanted you to remember it._

_Christian: Oh, Sy. That's just it. I don't want to have to be able to remember it. I want it to be an every day thing, where we get up, go to work, come home and it's just us. Here. Together._

Syed looked away in the uneasy way he always did.

_Syed: Yeah well, you can still have that can't you. Just not with me._

_Christian: Then I don't want it._

Syed half laughed.

_Syed: Don't let Andy hear you say that._

_Christian: Andy?_

Syed looked straight ahead. Even though he could only see the corner of his eyes Christian could see the hate and jealousy oozing from them.

_Christian: Hey, look at me._

He reached up to turn his head to face him but Syed looked the other way.

_Syed: I mean, I can't blame you can I? I can't just expect you to sit here and stay single for the rest of your life._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: I've got no right to expect you to... to..._

_Christian: To what?_

Syed looked down at the floor, his tears streaming down his cheeks.

_Christian: I am single. Andy's just a friend._

Syed scoffed. A friend?

_Christian: He is._

Syed turned to look at him, his eyes could never lie.

_Christian: He's just a friend._

_Syed: Does he know that?_

His voice was bitter, angry. He still saw him with someone else. Maybe not Andy but there would be someone else, and soon.

_Christian: I went to this bar a few nights after you mar..._

He couldn't say it, he couldn't say the word. Syed looked away.

_Christian: After you left. He was the bar man. He gave me a line, I knocked him back and he gave me a lift home._

_Syed: And that's it?_

_Christian: Yes Sy, that's it. We talked, that's all. He could see I was upset and we just talked. He's been through it himself and he knows how it feels._

_Syed: He's been through this?_

_Christian: Heartbreak._

_Syed: Oh._

_Christian: He's a friend Sy that's all. I promise._

_Syed: But there'll be someone else wont there. You'll find someone else._

_Christian: How can I even think of that when you're here? With me?_

Syed could feel his tears roll down his cheeks.

_Syed: I couldn't stand it. When I saw you with him all I could think of was you 2, together. And I couldn't stand it. I could actually see him, in here, kissing you, touching you..._

Christian's arm made its way around his shoulder and pulled him in to him. Syed grabbed onto his coat and held him tightly, too afraid to let him go.

_Syed: I felt sick. I actually felt sick._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: How do you do it? How do you get through it? Knowing where I am every night? Who i'm with?_

Christian sighed deeply.

_Christian: I try not to think about it. The more I try not to think about it, the more I can see you, with her._

_Syed: I'm sorry._

_Christian: What for? You had to do it didn't you? You had to marry her._

His words were lies but he couldn't bear seeing him like this.

_Syed: I begged her, my mum. I begged her to delay it, to give me time to think, sort myself out. But she wouldn't let me. She made me do it._

Christian pulled away from him and gazed into his eyes.

_Christian: What?_

He'd wanted to delay it?

_Syed: I told her. I told her everything. How I was gay, how I loved you._

Christian couldn't believe what he was hearing. His insides were a mixture of emotions. Pure elation from the fact that his feelings for him were so strong he had finally confessed them to his mother, that he'd actually admitted that he loved him to her. But these were being over clouded from the anger he felt for Zainab. How could she do it? How could she make him go through with it, knowing how he felt, who he was? How cold was that woman?

_Syed: I love you. I've loved you for so long that I can hardly remember what it feels like not to be in love with you. And I don't want to stop. I can't stop loving you Christian. Because if I do, what do I have? What's the point of anything?_

Christian couldn't find any words that would ease his pain, or his own.

_Christian: Sy, your life isn't with me._

_Syed: I know but..._

_Christian: Just listen OK, please._

Syed's teary eyes stared deeply into his, the dark watery pools that had never looked at another the way he looked at him.

_Christian: You have to move on. You have to forget about me. You know you'll never forgive yourself if you don't. You're sensitive and you'll never live with the guilt of what you'll be doing to her. You know you wont._

Syed looked away and laughed. He hated irony.

_Syed: You have no idea do you?_

_Christian: About what?_

_Syed: Guilt. You want to know why I married her? Why I didn't just walk out of there seconds after i'd told my mother? Why I let her push me into this? I've accepted who I am, that i'll be judged. That's not why I did it._

Christian shook his head

_Syed: I did it because of you. I knew that, when people found out about us, they'd blame you. And that's the guilt I could never live with. We could have moved anywhere, anywhere in the world and never seen anyone we knew again, but it would still be there, in the back of my head. Knowing that my parents, your family, everyone we know, would think that it was all your fault._

He was speechless. What a bloody fool!

_Christian: Sy! You idiot! Do you honestly think I care what people say, what people think? I've had them judging me for years and i've never paid any attention to them! What made you think i'd start now?!_

_Syed: I would. I'd pay attention, i'd listen to what they were saying. And I know i'd never cope with it. It would eat me up inside, knowing that they think that of you. I'd break down. You'd blame yourself, then i'd blame myself. It'd be a vicious circle. We wouldn't last a month.  
_

Christian understood. He finally understood.

_Syed: I'd rather suffer as I am than have you suffer for the rest of your life. You'll move on, find someone else and be happy. And in some weird kind of way I want that._

Christian pulled him into him, held him tightly and tried to fight back hi tears.

_Christian: Syed, you're a bloody fool do you know that? A bloody fool._

Syed wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. He loved him, he loved him so much. He pulled away from him and steadied his voice.

_Syed: Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I should go._

As he went to rise from the step Christian's hand fell onto his knee.

_Christian: Please, stay. I want to remember tonight._

Their lips met as they silently told each other that tonight was about more than just sex. Tonight was about love.


	10. Chapter 10

_Syed: So? Do you? Like it?_

Both were stood in the door way, peering into the candle lit flat. Christian couldn't believe that he'd done this for him. There were candles covering every surface of the room, the shadows from their flames danced on the walls and ceiling. Red, pink and white rose petals had been scattered over the floor and bed, their sweet aroma filling the room. On the blanket that lay on the floor was a single red rose. He felt the lump rise in his throat as James Morrison softly sang from his CD player. Everything was perfect.

_Christian: It's perfect, beautiful. Like you._

He moved closer to him pulling him backwards into a hug, his chest warming from the heat from Syed's back as he ran his hand around his waist, inside his t-shirt, so he could feel his soft skin. He could feel his stomach tense from his touch and Christian couldn't resist tracing the delicate lines of his toned muscles.

_Christian: I thought you didn't drink?_

His eyes fell on the bottle of champagne that sat in a bucket of ice. He saw Syed's cheeks rise from his smile.

_Syed: It's non-alcoholic. I didn't want anything to affect your um... performance._

He couldn't see his face but Christian knew what look was on Syed's face right now. He didn't need to see him to know what was running through his mind. Because the same thing was running through his.

Christian reached down and breathed in his ear, his tongue gently licked his lobed just the way he liked it. He smiled as he saw Syed's neck bulged, his breath catching in his throat.

_Christian: Good. Nothing's going to stop me tonight._

Syed gently leaned his head backwards, his ear closer to Christian's lips hoping he'd take the hint. And he had. The second his lips brushed his lobe again Syed reached up and pulled his neck closer to him still.

_Christian: You have no idea how much I want you right now._

His hand was still tracing his bare stomach, circling his navel as he playfully nibbed his ear lobe, his breath sending shivers down his body.

_Christian: I want to feel your skin on mine, your flesh burning against mine._

Syed groaned as he felt his soft hand glide up his chest, his fingers gently flicking his nipple as he continued to pull him backwards, closer to him still.

Christian's other hand left his neck and ran down his spine. As Syed shivered from the touch he ran hos finger back up and around to his side. He lifted both Syed's arms up and slide his t-shirt over his head. Even the sight of his naked back made his cock throb. Made it jerk in his trousers.

_Christian: You're beautiful. Every single inch of you._

He lowered his head and kissed the bottom of his neck, flicking his tongue on his skin with every moan that escaped Syed's lips.

_Christian: You bewitch me Sy._

_Syed: You say that like it's a bad thing._

Christian laughed, his breath trickled down Syed's back.

_Christian: Nothing about you can ever be described as bad._

Syed smiled.

_Syed: Wanna bet?_

He spun around to face him, shocked at how his perfect features were accentuated by the candle light. His glowing skin was slightly over shadowed by his glistening, alluring eyes. Eyes that invited Syed in, eyes that enticed him beyond his imagination. And his lips, his lips appeared fuller, wetter and definitely more kissable.

As he stood there drinking in the sight of him, Christian had never felt more aware of his body's needs. How it longed to be pressed up against him, to hold him tightly in his arms again. The effect Syed had on him still confounded him. It confused him to the point where he simply lost control of all his thoughts and his mind filled with the image of him. Perfect Syed.

Syed reached up and felt his entire body relax the second their lips met. His tongue licked Christian's lips, hoping they would part soon, and slid his tongue inside as soon as he was granted entrance.

Christian pressed his lips against Syed's, surrendering to the hunger. His fingers gently traced their way down Syed's chest, resting just above the waist band of his jeans. Playfully he let them linger along his waist, feeling Syed's hips start to rotate from his impatience.

_Syed: You're not stopping there are you?_

He pulled away and looked up to see his green eyes peering into his soul.

_Syed: Please. Don't stop._

Taking the initiative Syed reached up inside Christian's coat, feeling the material from his shirt on his hands, and slid his jacket over his shoulders, smiling as he heard it fall to the floor.

_Syed: I want to look at you._

His fingers easily undid the buttons on his shirt, the palms of his hands running over his nipples, feeling them harden from his touch, his face moving closer to his bare chest. He licked his nipples and blew gently on them.

Christian moaned loudly from the icy sensation sweeping through him as his tongue made its way down his body, his lips opened widely as his kisses soaked his stomach, shuddering slightly as his stubble tickled him.

Before he realised it Christian felt him tug on his trousers, slowly lowering them down his taut legs.

_Syed: No underwear again?_

_Christian: Thought it might slow things down._

_Syed: I like your thinking._

Christian looked down to answer but was caught unaware by what he saw. Syed, on his knees, half clothed, not even thinking of his own needs, his hands on Christian's bare hips. He was holding Christian in place as he slowly and carefully caressed the erect cock held between his smooth hands.

_Christian: Don't be so gentle._

_Syed: Why not? You in a rush?_

Christian groaned from his feather like touch. He was desperate to feel his mouth on him, feel him soak the entire length of him.

Syed tugged at Christian's foreskin with his teeth and smiled as he felt his body shudder from that one touch. Gently, he blew into his slit, wanting to hear him hiss and see him writhe even more. He resisted taking him into his mouth for as long as he could, knowing that prolonging him like this, feeling him throb in his hands the way he did, would make him scream louder when he finally let him enter his mouth.

_Syed: Fuck yourself._

_Christian: What?_

_Syed: I want to see you make yourself come for me. I want you to stand in front of me and fuck your hand as I watch you, wait for you to come on me._

Christian groaned loudly as he moved his hand onto his cock. Coming on Syed's face was one of his fantasies, he longed to do it.

As he saw his hand move towards his hard cock Syed couldn't resist planting a gentle kiss on him. His reaction was just as he expected. He'd tried to push himself into his mouth, desperate to fuck it but Syed pulled back.

_Syed: Fuck yourself, not my mouth._

His hand moved slowly, small traces of liquid slowly oozing from his cock. Syed leaned forwards and licked him, tasting the beginning of their long night together.

_Syed: Faster._

His hand moved up and down his length quickly.

_Syed: Look at me._

He wanted to see him, see when he should pounce, see his face as he was seconds away.

_Syed: Come for me Christian. Come on, fuck yourself harder. You always say you love it when I do it but you have no idea what it does to me, watching you, hearing you moan as you think of me. Don't close your eyes. I want to see them widen, see them almost explode seconds before you do. You have no idea how much that turns me on._

It was all Christian needed to hear. Feeling it rise inside him he called Syed's name.

_Christian: I'm coming Sy, I'm coming!_

_Syed: I know you are._

His mouth curled up into his dirty smile as he suddenly pushed his hand away from his cock and wrapped his mouth over his entire length, sucking it so hard and so expertly that Christian couldn't hold back. He cried out as he came, shooting load after load down his hungry throat, panting as he continued to thrust himself into his mouth.

Christian had expected him to swallow, expected him to gulp down his come, to feel his cock hit the roof of his mouth as he did so. But he didn't. Instead Syed let his come sit on his tongue, tasting him for that little while longer.

As Christian went to pull away he was pulled back into his mouth, Syed sucking him hard as he continued to slide his mouth up and down him. Christian had never had this before. He'd never felt his own cock being bathed in its own come before. And he loved it!

The feeling was sublime. Almost too good. He could feel himself being brought back to the brink already, knowing that his own come was helping Syed's mouth moisten him, harden him, fuck him.

He didn't want to cum again this soon so he pulled out, grabbed Syed's hands from his sides and pulled him to his feet. As they kissed tenderly, Christian tasting himself for the first time in so long, loving the taste of himself on Syed's tongue, he reached down and undid Syed's trousers.

_Christian: Get on that fucking bed. Now!_


	11. Chapter 11

_Syed: And if I don't? What are you going to do?_

Christian pulled him into his body, their naked chests burning as they crashed into each other. His finger gently traced the small of Syed's back to see him melt before his eyes from his soft touch.

_Christian: Turn around._

Syed didn't move. His face wore that smug grin of his, the one that always appeared when he thought he had control. His big eyes danced in the candlelight as he watched Christian's chest rising quickly. He was still panting from his orgasm, still feeling the electricity surging through his body.

_Christian: I said, turn around._

His hands found Syed's lean shoulders and spun him around. As soon as his back was facing him he dropped his hands and held Syed's hands behind him. He ran his free hand through his hair, pulling it so his head tilted to the side, exposing his neck. His heavy breath danced over Syed's skin seconds before he crashed his lips down onto him. Unable to control his need to taste him Syed tried to loosen his grasp from behind his back, moaning loudly from the persuasive contact. But all that did was make Christian tighten his grip of him as he gently licked his way up from his shoulder stopping just short of his ear.

_Christian: You wouldn't listen, so now you have to be punished._

Syed couldn't believe how titillating he found the thought. Christian, bent over him, punishing him? His cock sprung up higher inside his trousers, tightened to the point of pain. He loved the idea.

_Syed: I..._

_Christian: Shut up. You don't get to say anything. You're mine now. And I'm going to make you beg._

Syed swallowed hard. His voice was deep, low and incredibly lustful as it sizzled through his ear.

_Christian: I'm going to tease you so much that you're going to be begging me to fuck you._

_Syed: You're not going to fuck me?!_

_Christian: No, I'm not going to fuck you Sy. I'm going to play with you, play with your cock until you can't take anymore..._

His hand traced his over his stomach, making light work of his belt and buttons on his jeans. His hand diving inside his tight boxers to find him hard and ready for him, almost begging him to grasp him firmly. His lips gently brushed his neck, leaving traces of his tongue as he swept it over him.

Syed craned his head back to allow him greater access to his overly-sensitive neck. Willing him to kiss it, bite it, whispering his name as he felt him feasting on his flesh, his teeth sinking in deeply and biting so hard that he felt his blood rise to the surface between his teeth.

Christian couldn't resist the taste of him in his mouth and bit him hard, so hard that he could taste rusty traces of blood through his skin. But he didn't stop and Syed never asked him to. Instead he lost himself as his moans of pleasure spurred him on, wordlessly begging him to go harder.

Syed groaned as he felt his hand leave his cock, smiling as he tugged his trousers and boxers down, and sighed as he felt it him grip him once again. He revelled in the way Christian's fingers slowly dance along his length as his palm slowly stroked him.

_Christian: Someone's needy._

Syed wanted him so badly that he could hardly think, breathe or do anything but feel the irresistible need that he sparked in him. He was in his own personal haven each time he was around this man.

Christian had him exactly where he wanted him. He was so engulfed in his touch that he knew he would do anything he asked him to. This was going to be fun.

He let go of Syed's hands, stepped backwards away from him and gently pushed him forward.

_Christian: Move._

Syed followed his word and took a small step forward, his cock throbbing. It missed his hands wrapped around it.

_Christian: Keep moving._

He gently prodded his back, edging him that little bit closer to the edge of the room, to the sofa but he couldn't resist teasing him in the way.

Syed's body froze the second he felt his hand run down in-between his cheeks, his finger inches away from his opening. His entire body tensed from the feeling, blood pumping through his cock just from his touch.

_Christian: Now, get down on your knees_

The voice in his ear was dominant, controlling even, and Syed loved it. He loved feeling so powerless to him.

Syed opened his eyes as he knelt down in front of the sofa, his hands resting in front of him. He could feel him behind him, feel the heat from their bodies bouncing back and forth. Christian bent down behind him and glided his hand over his arse, up his back and around to his chest.

_Christian: Tell me you want me._

Syed couldn't speak. Christian's hand had made its way down. Syed's cock was being fucked so quickly his breath was catching in his throat.

_Christian: Tell me you want me right now._

He could feel Christian's finger circling his opening, teasingly showing him he was just inches away from him. His lips on his back as he gently rubbed him with one hand and massaged his cock with the other. It almost sent Syed over the edge, he could feel himself about to come, feel his cock pulsating in Christian's hand.

_Christian: Tell me you want me to fuck you… Say it Syed, say it._

_Syed: I'm going to come._

Christian dropped his hand from his cock, releasing him instantly.

_Christian: Not yet you're not._

His warm hands moved over his body and gripped his cheeks, squeezing them hard before easing them slowly apart, a warm breath of air blowing between them causing Syed to twitch in anticipation. His loud groans caused Christian to smile wickedly as he moved his mouth towards him.

_Christian: Shall I stop?_

Syed called out as his breath swept over him, shaking his head quickly, impatiently.

He gasped loudly as he felt the hot wetness of Christian's tongue run along the groove between his buttocks, pausing when it reached the centre and pushing ever so slightly into him.

_Syed: Oh fuck,_

_Christian: All in good time._

Christian smiled as he continued to flick his tongue into him, feeling him buck from the mixture of pleasure and pain. His hand made its way in between Syed's legs and gently stroked his cock, feeling his wetness as he reached his tip. He was desperate to come already.

Syed couldn't take it any more and reached down to his own cock. Pushing Christian's hand away he began to fiercely tug on his own erection, rapidly moving his hand as he felt Christian back away from him.

_Syed: Hey, I was enjoying that!_

Playfully Christian slapped his arse as he rose to his feet.

_Christian: You move and you'll pay. Understand?_

Syed closed his eyes and nodded and he heard his footsteps move away. Seconds later he was back, stroking his skin, kissing his cheeks.

_Christian: Keep your eyes closed._

There was total silence for a split second before Syed heard it, the sound of a cap being flipped from a bottle and a second after that he shuddered as he felt the cool oily liquid hit his skin.

_Christian: Tell me you want me_

_Syed: I want you._

_Christian: Say it again._

_Syed: I want you, I need you._

Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes as he felt Christian's finger pushing slowly inside of him, his body opening and stretching, already wanting more.

He felt another dribble of oil run down between his cheeks and then felt himself being stretched further as a second finger was pushed in alongside the first, twisting and turning inside him, making him moan with the intensity of the feeling.

_Christian: Do you want more Sy?_

_Syed: Please_

_Christian: Can you take more?_

Without waiting for his reply a third finger was plunged into him causing his moans to get louder as he slammed his fingers deep into him before pulling them slowly out and then driving them back inside hard, making him grunt with each inward thrust.

Christian couldn't help but reach down and start fucking his own cock as he watched himself fucking him so hard with his hand. He knew that Syed was almost ready to come, his voice echoed around the room with each thrust.

_Christian: Sy? Look between your legs._

Syed looked down and saw Christian's hand moving slowly up his own cock, seeing his wet tip oozing slightly as he fucked his arse.

_Syed: I want to come._

_Christian: How do you ask?_

_Syed: Please. Please let me come._

Christian drove his fingers harder into him each thrust quicker than the last as he spread Syed;s legs apart, turned himself over and lay underneath him.

_Christian: Come in my mouth._

With his arse tightening beyond belief he felt his cock ready and lowered it into Christian's mouth, shooting his come into his mouth as he thrust himself into his mouth, feeling him gag with each lunge into him.

Syed screamed loudly as his relief left him, screamed his name as he felt Christian's mouth squeeze him as he swallowed every last drop of him.

_Syed: Fuck babe!_

His cock was still in his mouth and he realised that he was now the one in control. Smiling at this twist he spoke slowly and quietly.

_Syed: Now, are you going to do what I tell you to?_


	12. Chapter 12

Syed could feel him softening his mouth, his warm tongue slowly twisted itself around him.

_Syed: Are you?_

Christian's eyes smiled his answer and Syed removed himself from his mouth, moved his body downwards and leaned over him, his hands on either side of Christian's face.

_Syed: Good._

Their passion ignited intensely as their lips met, a deep growl rumbling in Christian's throat as Syed pressed his body against his, pinning him down on the floor so that he could barely breathe. But Christian always found it hard to breathe around Syed, found it impossible to quell the breathlessness that came just from the sight of him.

Breaking away from their sweet kiss, Syed lowered his mouth down Christian's neck, feasting on the sweetness of his flesh, his teeth sinking in deeply and biting him hard. Christian moaned from the pain and pleasure, his arms reaching up Syed's back until he reached his head, slowly pushing it downwards, encouraging s to bite him harder.

_Christian : Harder Sy, harder._

Syed nipped his neck, each pinch of his teeth harder than the last, each mouthful of his skin sending his cock into a frenzy as he felt it harden against Christian's stomach, digging into him. Syed's hips had a mind of its own as he felt himself gently rubbing himself up against him, feeling his cock rub against his hard stomach, Christian's cock on his leg.

_Christian: Fuck Sy, fuck I love you._

Syed smiled.

_Syed: I love how my name sounds coming from your lips._

Christian wrapped his arms around him and held him close, the tightness and warmth of his body surrounding him overwhelmed Syed and his breath escaped him in long, loud gasps.

_Syed: I love the way your skin dances to my touch, the way it glides so easily beneath my fingers._

He softly ran the tops of his fingers over the grove in Christian's neck, seeing his entire body shudder and a tiny ounce of wetness hit his leg. He couldn't help but laugh, smugly.

_Syed: And what may I ask was that?_

Christian smiled, genuine surprise on his face.

_Christian: I have no idea. Try it again._

Syed let his finger glide over the same spot while his eyes never left Christian's face. Again, every inch of him responded and groaned as Syed laughed.

_Christian: That's a new one._

_Syed: Really?_

_Christian: Really. It's never been like that there before._

_Syed: So that one's mine?_

Christian laughed.

_Christian: All yours._

Syed bowed his head down and gently flicked him there with his tongue, smiling as Christian tried to arch his back but simply hitting Syed's body as he tried to do so.

_Syed: I'm saving that one for later._

Before Christian could say anything Syed's face was next to his ear.

_Syed: Tell me what you want. Tell me exactly what you want._

_Christian: I want you to fuck me Sy, I want you to fuck me right now._

_Syed: So you want a fuck. Anyone can give you that. Tell me what you want me to do._

Christian gulped hard.

_Christian: I want you in me. I need you to please me in the way that only you can, the way no one else has ever come close to doing. I need to feel myself come on your cock._

With a sudden burst of energy, Syed pulled him from the floor, took his hand in his and pulled him backwards. His eyes never leaving Christian's, he gently lowered him down until he was lying on his back on the blanket.

_Syed: Close your eyes._

Syed bent over and kissed both of his shut lids.

_Syed: Keep them closed for me._

His lips planted their love for him on the tip of his nose before moving down to his lips.

_Syed: And tell me you love me._

_Christian: I love you._

It was said in a whisper. The soft murmuring was all he needed to hear.

As he reached over and picked up the rose he gently kissed Christian's cheek and uttered his reply in his softest voice.

_Syed: I love you more._

He brought the rose up and gently ran the bud over Christian's nose, Christian gasping from it's sensual touch, it's smell.

_Syed: I love you more with every second that passes._

He lowered the sweet flower to his lips, circling their fullness.

_Syed: I love you like I never dreamt possible._

The bud ran down his neck, Christian arching his head backwards from the exhilaration the soft petals brought to his body.

_Syed: Every thought I have is of you._

He traced it around his nipple, the thorn playfully grazing his skin. Christian groaned from the stirring he felt inside of him.

_Syed: I miss you when you're not near me._

Lower down his stomach he moved it slowly

_Syed: I miss your smile_

The softness tickled Christian's rib cage as he glided it upwards and back down in long, soft flowing motions.

_Syed: I miss your voice,_

He felt it glide up his side,

_Syed: I miss your eyes._

Christian groaned from the stirring he felt inside of him.

_Syed: I miss your kiss._

He basked in the sensual arousal that was coursing through his veins.

_Syed: You're always in my head, in my heart._

Christian moaned quietly, the velvety feeling hardening his cock, Syed's words filling his heart with desire.

_Syed: I can't breathe without you._

He circled the soft petals around his navel,

_Syed: I can't live without you,_

He moved the flower towards his cock, letting it dance the way up his length

_Syed: I love you. More than anything._

He brushed the bloom up to his tip, feeling him grind his hips, the veins in his neck threatening to burst soon if he didn't feel his relief.

_Syed: What do you want me to do to you?_

_Christian: Make love to me._

Syed smiled.

_Syed: That's all I've ever wanted you to say to me._

Lightly he kissed his lips as his hand reached over, Christian's arm stopping him.

_Christian: I want you to make love to me. You._

Syed kissed him again. The box of condoms wouldn't be opened tonight after all. Christian reached backwards and found what he was looking for, placing it in Syed's outstretched hand.

He flicked the cap and drenched his cock in the cold liquid, rubbing it into his hands and fingers.

He reached backwards and gently circled Christian's opening, slowly pushing his oily finger inside him and gasping as he snugly moved inside of him. His fleshy inside contracting with his every movement almost willing him deeper inside him.

Christian was in awe of what he was feeling. His entire body had shut down from every notion, every thought apart from Syed. Nothing else mattered to him, only that they were here, together.

_Christian: Syed please…Please I can't wait any more, I need you… right now…_

Syed lowered himself down, the head of his cock brushing up and down between his buttocks, pausing at his entrance before moving past.

_Christian: Syed…please… please…_

_Syed: God I love it when you beg me for it._

Syed growled, his breath hot on his neck as he pushed the just head of his cock into him, pausing before wrapping his hand around Christian's cock.

_Syed: You really want me to?_

_Christian: Yes…God please yes…_

_Syed: Like this?_

With one hard thrust the length of Syed's cock was inside him, making him cry out with the sudden rush of pleasure and pain, the intense sensation only he could bring to him swweping through his entire body.

_Syed: I'd almost forgotten how good this feels._

Christian called out and pulled his mouth on to his as Syed began to rock back and forth, slowly at first, making Christian's legs shake as his cock slid in and out of him, every inch seemed to hit a new spot of pleasure for both men. Christian felt his orgasm peak within seconds, pulling Syed's lips deeper onto his as he felt his come hit his chest in long sharp spurts.

_Christian: I love you._

Syed froze for a moment, as he suddenly realised the intensity of the moment. His cock buried deep inside the man he loved more than anyone he had ever or would ever love again, his body trembled from the climax that was already only a moment away.

_Christian: Come inside me… I want you Sy._

His voice was the most erotic thing Syed had ever heard. How could he resist him?

Syed began to thrust back and forth, slowly at first, savouring every inch of his tight flesh but he needed more, he was desperate to do what Christian was begging him to do with every breath that escaped his lips.

Crying out Christian's name, Syed slammed his cock hard and fast into him, groaning with delight as his arse gripped his cock perfectly making him come so quickly that his head spun and he collapsed on to his chest, holding onto him tightly as he bucked his hips over and over, pouring out his desire into his welcoming body calling his name in the voice that Christian found irresistible.

He lay on him, panting heavily as Christian gently stroked his hair and caressed his back.

_Christian: You OK?_

His soft voice lulled Syed back into the haven he had just started to leave.

_Syed: Yeah._

He was afraid to ask, afraid of the answer but Christian couldn't hold it back.

_Christian: Did you mean it? What you said?_

Syed lifted his head and moved up his body until they were face to face. His eyes glistened from the tears he was trying so hard to fight back. It was almost over. The most beautiful and meaningful thing that had ever happened to him in his life was almost over.

_Syed: Every word._


	13. Chapter 13

Every word.

It echoed through Christian's ears, pumped the blood through his beating heart. Every single word. He reached up and stroked Syed's face, his soft cheek burning from his touch. He could feel the emotion in him, his pure love for this man pulse its way through his skin.

Syed stared down at him. He knew he wanted to say it back. Tell him he felt the same. But he knew it would hurt to much.

_Syed: Can I... Can I just lay with you? Just for a bit?_

Christian smiled as he reached up to kiss him gently, lovingly, in a way he had never kissed anyone before.

_Christian: You never have to ask me that._

Syed smiled, pain emitting from his entire face, and slid off to lie beside him. He closed his eyes as the real world threatened to let itself back into his head. He didn't want to think of it, of anyone or anything apart from Christian. How good it felt to lie next to him, to have their bodies fit so perfectly together. How his skin awoke from its contact with Christian's, tightening in its frenzy to feel him closer still. And how his heart stopped the second he was apart from him. Yes it kept beating, but as soon as Syed left him his heart drained of all its feelings, all its spirit, and became an empty drum, beating hollowly in his chest.

They lay there for what felt like hours, both comfortable in the silence that hung in the air. Neither needing to speak, to make awkward conversation. As long as they were together, they felt euphoric. Syed smiled as he felt Christian's chest rise and fall heavily as he drifted in and out of a light sleep, his hand tracing his back, his neck, his arm as he woke realising that he didn't want to waste a second of their time together.

Christian cursed himself for feeling so comfortable with him, so relaxed. His heavy eye lids won their battle for sleep several times only for Christian to force them open again after only minutes. He heavily breathed in his intoxicating scent, feeling his insides awaken instantly. It was almost over and he couldn't bear it. He had almost slipped from his grasp for the last time.

The tears took hold of him before he had any chance to stop them. He tried his hardest to steady his chest as it shook from his sobs, tried not to show him that he couldn't take it anymore, but failed. Syed wrapped his hand around his waist and hugged him tightly.

_Syed: Shh,_

Christian threw his eyes wide open, hoping that that would stop them falling, stop them running down the side of his face.

_Christian: I'm sorry._

_Syed: Don't be. Please, don't ever say you're sorry that you love me._

Christian wiped his eyes and steadied his breath, his entire body threatening to shut down on him, cursing him to feel this heartbreak all over again.

_Christian: It's harder this time. Harder to say goodbye._

_Syed: I know._

Syed circled the tips of his fingers in Christian's chest hair while Christian curled Syed's luscious locks around his fingers. Neither needed to say anything.

With his face pressed against Christian's chest Syed let the tears fall. Small drops of his pain dripped from the bridge of his nose onto Christian's skin every few seconds, but Christian didn't say anything. All he did was hold him.

_Syed: Tell me what it would be like. If it was just you and me._

His shaky voice sent a lump up the inside of Christian's throat. He was hurting as well. His baby was hurting, but he wouldn't let him do anything about it, he wouldn't let him make it all go away.

_Syed: Do you ever think about it? What it would be like?_

_Christian: Of course I do._

More than you could ever imagine.

_Syed: And am I constantly tied to the bed?!_

Christian laughed, glad at the light relief.

_Christian: No. As much as the thought appeals to me, we would actually have a normal life._

Syed sniggered.

_Syed: Normal?_

_Christian: Yeah, normal. And we wouldn't be stuck living in this poky little flat for a start._

Christian felt his stubble gently graze his skin as Syed smiled.

_Syed: I have some good memories in this flat._

_Christian: We'll keep it as a holiday home then._

_Syed: So, where would we live?_

_Christian: Scotland._

_Syed: Scotland?!_

_Christian: Yeah. We'd find a cottage in a little village set against the most beautiful scenery, green grass in the summer, white snow in the winter. Open fires, old oak flooring, maybe even a king size bed of you're lucky!_

Syed closed his eyes and pictured himself inside Christian's thoughts.

_Christian: Every day we'd get up, go to work, come home and spend the evening together. Normal life. Just with a bit of perfection thrown in to it._

_Syed: Oh, please, not a cat?_

Christian laughed.

_Christian: No_

_Syed: Dog?_

_Christian: You._

Syed wrapped his arm around him tighter.

_Christian: The weekends would be different. We'd lay in..._

_Syed: I'd bring you breakfast in bed_

_Christian: Then shout at me for dropping crumbs._

_Syed: There'd be no crumbs. We'd never get around to eating anything._

_Christian: And we'd just laze around, maybe venture out for a walk. But we'd always be together._

Syed smiled as he envisioned them strolling along a country lane, hand in hand. Happy.

_Christian: The neighbours would invite us down the pub on Saturday nights. We'd play some stupid pub quiz, I'd overdo it slightly on the wine, you'd have to help me home and do your best not to laugh at me as I tell you, in that irresistible voice of mine, all the things I want to do to you!_

Syed laughed, knowing exactly how seductive he found Christian when he was a little drunk

_Syed: Sounds nice._

_Christian: You haven't heard the best bit yet._

_Syed: And what's that then?_

_Christian: No one would care. About us, no one would care about who we are or what we do. No one would gawp at us or whisper snide little comments when they think we can't hear then. They'd accept us, like they would every other couple out there, not judge us. They'd be happy for us, jealous even, of what we have. We could walk down the road hand in hand, I could kiss you goodbye in the morning in the middle of the street and we could smile Sy, really smile. I could tell you every second of every day how much I love you and no one but you would take any notice of me._

Syed's tears flowed from his eyes. It was too good to be true. That life he'd just described, that perfect life, Syed knew he'd never live it. He'd never get the chance.

_Syed: I love you._

His whispering voice echoed around the flat, bouncing off the walls and into Christian's ears. He loved him. But it wasn't enough.

_Christian: Sy? What'll happen now? Tomorrow and the day after and the day after? Do we go back to how we were before this started? Because I don't think I can ignore you completely. I..._

Syed lifted his head and stared at him, seeing Christian's mouth fall open.

His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his face streaked with old and new tears. Christian couldn't believe the sight before him. He was broken. Completely broken.

_Syed: Please. I can't think of it, not yet. I can't think of living a day without you in it. It's killing me._

His voice broke as he spoke those last words, deep pools of tears streaming from his eyes.

_Christian: Hey, Sy? Listen to me. You'll never have to live without me OK. I will always be here for you. Always._

Syed sighed.

_Syed: Just not the way I want you to be._

Christian couldn't answer him. Not the way he wanted him to be.

_Christian: Kiss me Sy. Make all this go away._

He bent over him and felt his heart leap as their lips locked together. For one last time they would be happy.


	14. Chapter 14

Syed's hands ran over his body, his chest, his arms, his face. He was desperate to touch every bit of him, taste every morsel of him before this was over.

His body effortlessly made its way on top of Christian's, fitting into his grooves like a missing jigsaw piece. How could this be wrong? How could he end it, never come back? How could he stay away from him, his lips, his touch?

Syed knew that the sex wasn't that important to him, it was simply an added bonus of being with him. If he had to, he'd never sleep with him again, never feel him inside of him, just as long as he could be with him, lay next to him night after night. Argue about what to watch on TV or who's turn it was to do the washing up. He'd wanted a normal life so badly and convinced himself that he'd finally found it that he failed to notice that marrying Amira was the final nail in the coffin at never having it. Because Syed finally realised that, to him, a normal life was with Christian.

Christian shifted his weight and rolled him and Syed over, running his hands through his hair as his body rested on his. He had never been so hungry for anyone before. He couldn't stand the thoughts that danced in his mind, the thoughts that hours from now he would be alone again and he would be back by her side. Back to wearing the mask he had so desperately tried to get him to break.

He dropped his mouth to Syed's ear, breathing heavily as he began to rub his cock against Syed's, feeling his body writhe under his.

_Christian: I'm going to make this one last._

Syed gulped loudly as a tiny moan escaped his mouth. This was it. The last time.

Christian slid down his body, his tongue soaking his chest on the way down stopping at the head of his cock, watching it dance in anticipation then licking his way back up to his nipples. Without warning he engulfed his entire mouth over it, biting him tenderly before quickly sweeping his tongue over it. The harder he bit the more Syed moaned and pushed his cock harder into Christian's side. Christian switched his attention from one nipple to the other and back again, the force of his bite increasing with each exchange until Syed felt certain he would break my skin with his teeth, almost crying out from the pain that he found so addictive.

Christian smiled as he heard him, felt him wriggle beneath him. No one had ever responded to him the way Syed did. No one's body had ever felt so good underneath him, tasted so delectable against his lips. And no one had ever fucked him so well. Even during their first time together, Syed had made Christian feel things that he'd never experienced before. He found that no matter where Syed's lips were, he responded to them, begged them to explore elsewhere to see if they had the same effect. And they did, they always did. Christian had never believed in soul mates until now.

Syed grinned as he he felt Christian's hand ebb it's way down his chest, his wrist deliberately brushing his cock as he tried to side-step it on the way down to his leg. He jerked from the touch and felt himself inadvertently rub himself against his body, feeling a slight relief.

Christian let his fingers walk their way up his leg, playfully slowing them down the higher he got.

Syed's hips were now crushing his cock into him and he could feel his hardness. He could feel the gentle wetness ooze from his tip as it pushed its way upwards against his stomach, quivering against the muscled ripples of his torso.

He pulled his body away from Syed's and wrapped his fingers around his length, squeezed it hard as he pulled his hand upwards, making him gasp and moan in equal measure.

Christian's fingers circled the base of his cock and slowly ran the length of it to the very tip, his eyes fixed on his action while his mouth never left Syed's now throbbing nipple. His tongue flicked it's way down his body at an equal pace to his hand, Syed helpless to both.

Syed let out a gasp of relief as he felt his tongue circle and swept into his hood, bringing the sensation that was coursing through his veins to a heightened state. He called his name with each turn of his tongue, begging him to devour him.

_Christian: Patience Sy. I told you, this one's going to last._

Christian's lowered his mouth over Syed's cock but refused to wrap his lips around him. Instead he moved his open mouth up and down, letting his warm breath engulf his cock, the tip slightly hitting the back of his throat as Syed thrust himself into his mouth only for his hips to be slammed back to the floor by Christian's hands.

_Syed: Please... Do... something!_

Christian laughed and teasingly rested his tongue against his length, feeling it twitch as he dragged his tongue up.

_Christian: Like that?_

Syed was panting, on the verge of begging him. This was torture.

_Syed: More._

Feeling Christian's body move up his he was too afraid to open his eyes, knowing that they'd give him away, that they'd give away just how much he needed to feel him inside him.

_Christian: Look at me Sy._

Reluctantly, Syed opened his eyes and saw Christian staring down at him, biting his lower lip slightly in the most provocative way. Knowing that nothing but pure filth was going through his mind, Syed lost control and moaned simply from the sight of him causing Christian to laugh.

_Christian: And I wasn't even touching you then._

He bent down and kissed his lips, Syed wrapping his arms tightly around his neck, pulling his lips deeper onto his. Their tongues spoke to each other as the wrapped themselves around each others, flicked each other, stroked each others before Christian pulled away.

_Christian: Close your eyes._

Syed didn't need telling twice and shut them firmly, his face frowning as he heard a pop from above him.

_Christian: Thirsty?_

Before he could answer Syed felt the cold bubbly liquid hit his stomach, hearing it fizz as it soaked him and ran down his sides.

_Christian: I am._

His warm tongue licked it's way up Syed's stomach, popping the cold bubbles as his tongue hit them. Syed's arousal was at boiling point as the mixture of warmth and cold over took his body.

Christian took a large gulp from the bottle and drowned Syed's nipples in the popping liquid. His back arched as he felt his skin tighten as Christian slushed the liquid aver him, finally swallowing as he sucked his nipple deeper into his mouth.

Syed wasn't aware that his fingers were digging into his back or that his entire body was rigid beyond belief. Only that he could feel his orgasm surge through his body, waiting patiently in his cock, ready to explode.

_Syed: Touch me, i'm going to come._

Christian pulled away from him, smiling as he spoke.

_Christian: Do it yourself._

The words had barely left his mouth before Syed's hand was there. All it took for him to scream his name as his orgasm finally released itself was one short tug. Never had it been so quick, so powerful, so intense. He felt it hit his chest as his back arched so much it completely left the floor. He was still calling his name as Christian's tongue licked him clean of both liquids, hearing him moan as he swallowed.

When he felt himself totally empty, his breath struggling to leave his lungs, Syed fell back down to the floor, breathless beyond belief.

_Christian: Perfect taste combination._


	15. Chapter 15

_Syed: You're filthy, d'you know that?_

Christian smiled at the wicked grin that was painted on Syed's face and the way his eyes flashed their approval, almost willing him to share the experience in his own mouth. Christian lowered his head and, in between kissing his neck, he flicked his tongue over his soft skin. With his entire body responding to his lips, Syed swallowed hard and allowed himself to feel his breath, his touch, every inch of him warm his soul.

_Christian: I'll stop then shall I?_

_Syed: You just try it._

He moved his lips back up towards his face, resting them again on Syed's lips, feeling the electricity again at the first touch, shivering as he felt his soft hands slide down his chest.

_Christian: And where are those going?!_

_Syed: To get you ready._

_Christian: Ready for what?_

As if he needed to ask.

_Syed: For me._

Christian smiled as he reached down and stopped him from moving any lower. He knew that the second he reached his groin he wouldn't be able to hold himself back. A single touch from Syed's hand on his cock sent all rationality from his mind. He had no control over himself once he stroked him, grasped him, stimulated him in a way he'd only ever dreamt about.

_Christian: I'm always ready for you. Always._

He slowly pulled himself up, his strong yet gentle hands pulling Syed with him until they both stood pressed against each other. Their naked bodies refused to be parted from each others for a second longer than necessary. It was as though an invisible magnetic pull held them together.

Slowly, he guided him backwards, his fingers tracing his cheeks as his eyes tried their best to devour every fragment of his flawless face.

Syed's mind raced against time. He couldn't bear to think it any more. To know that it was almost over. The only thing in his life that had made him feel alive, made him realise that he could be who he really was, was slowly being ripped away from him for a second time and he couldn't stand it. He wanted to stay here, close the door to the world and live in this haven for eternity with no one but Christian for companionship.

_Christian: Sy?_

He gazed at him worriedly as he saw his watery eyes drop to the floor.

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Please don't. Don't mention it, don't even think it. Just..._

_Christian: What?_

_Syed: Let me be yours, just for a bit longer._

Walking backwards, Christian led him towards the bed, their eyes locked together. Pulling him closer to him as he felt Syed gently brush his hand over his hard cock.

_Christian: Sit down._

It was barely a whisper. If Syed hadn't have felt his lips move against his wouldn't have known he'd spoken to him. His hands ran through his hair, his fingers dancing gently on his neck as they made their way down towards his chest.

_Christian: Sit down._

Syed was so lost in his touch that he didn't realise that he was still standing. His legs shook from his gentle touch.

Christian placed one of his hands behind Syed's back and gently lowered him backwards onto the bed. He closed his eyes again and buried himself in Syed's lips, savouring his taste, knowing he'd never experience his sweet addictive flavour again.

Syed closed his eyes and lost himself to the serenity of Christian's, kiss. Every second with him was blissful. Just being in the same room as him made Syed's heart skip a beat, just like it always had. Time hadn't dwindled the effect he had on him and he knew it never would. Because he'd never let it. No one had ever had this effect on him before. No one had made him feel so wanted when they were alone together, so safe, so at ease.

Slowly he felt him move downwards, his stomach gently rubbing Syed's cock as he moved. He sighed as he felt his hot breath hit him, engulf his entire cock.

Christian opened his mouth as wide as it would go and slowly lowered it over his cock without closing it. He knew the sensation this would give him, to feel nothing but his breath envelope him. Instantly he felt Syed's cock responding, hitting the roof of his mouth as his impatience took over. Christian withdrew, grabbed Syed's hands and pulled him until he was sitting upright.

_Christian: Watch me._

He smiled as he heard his groan of approval escape his lips and kept his eyes fixed to his until he had to pull them away.

Syed had never felt so oversexed in his life. Seeing him take him into his mouth, the way his eyes screwed up as he struggled to consume his entire length, the way his cheeks pulled in as he sucked him. He'd never seen anything so arousing in all his life.

_Syed: Faster._

He groaned at the mixture of emotions in his body. The tightness of Christian's mouth on his cock combined with the sight of his head moving unbelievably fast was so glorious that he hoped he would never stop.

Slowly his hand traced in-between Syed's cheeks, dragging it upwards and stopped as soon as he shuddered.

_Christian: I forgot you liked that stroked._

He smiled as he gently stroked his perineum, pushed his finger slightly as he massaged his fleshy mound, pausing only to hear him beg to continue.

_Syed: Don't stop, please don't stop._

He groaned as he felt his mouth leave his cock but gasped seconds later as he felt his tongue soak his perineum, his teeth gently nibble him and his mouth suck on it, gently pulling it deep in him.

When he felt he couldn't take anymore, couldn't wait another second to be inside him, Christian pulled away, instantly missing the closeness of his body.

_Christian: Don't move._

_Syed: Where are you going?_

Christian smiled as he walked backwards, not wanting to miss a seconds opportunity to look at him.

_Syed: Don't._

_Christian: Don't what._

Syed rose from the bed and took 2 steps forward until their chests were touching.

_Syed: I want to know what it feels like.  
_

_Christian: Sy…  
_

_Syed: Please. I'll never know otherwise will I?  
_

_Christian: You sure?  
_

Syed smiled as he nodded his head.

_Christian: OK. But we do it my way. OK?  
_

_Syed: Your way?  
_

Syed's smile turned cheeky

_Christian: Yeah. My way._

He rolled the condom down him and smiled as Syed went to stop him.

_Christian: I need you... adjusted first!_

Christian growled in a voice so heavy with lust that Syed could almost hear it dripping from his lips.

_Christian: Now, turn around and get on your knees.  
_

Syed spun around dropped to his knees in an instant, groaning as Christian grabbed his hair pulling his head back, whispering in his ear

_Christian: I'm gonna fuck you so hard._

Syed gulped back his frustration. He'd heard enough, now all he needed was to feel him inside.

_Christian: Now bend over the bed._

Syed let him push him down, let him drag his fingers over his back as he opened his legs, ready to feel him inside of him. He took a deep breath as he felt Christian behind me, his legs in between his, teasing him as he brushed his cock against his opening . He thrust himself backwards as Christian pushed his cock down between his cheeks, sliding it along the groove, causing him to shudder with anticipation as he waited patiently for that moment when everything else in the world dissolved.

Christian gasped the second he entered him as Syed pushed himself backwards. He didn't expect the sudden rush that surged through him, the unbelievable tightening that was gripping his cock.

Gripping onto his hips Christian's slowly moved his hips in a rhythm that Syed followed with his voice. With each inwards thrust Christian heard him moan in pleasure, each outward pull causing him to gasp in delight.

_Syed: Harder. Please go harder._

He didn't need asking twice. Christian moaned as he began to pound his deliciously tight arse as hard and fast as he could, praying that his orgasm would fade away. Christian began moving quicker inside him, running his hand over Syed's back and pulling him backwards, into him by his shoulder.

_Christian: Do you want me to make you come?_

_Syed: Yes,_

_Christian: Really?_

_Syed: Yes, Yes!_

Syed couldn't take it any more. His entire body was in shock from what Christian was doing and he knew it. He was just millimetres away from it every time he thrust into him and he knew it.

_Christian: So, you want me to go in deeper? Harder?_

_Syed: Deeper. Please, just..._

Christian thrust himself into him as deep as he could go, feeling Syed scream in ecstasy the second his cock probed it. But instead of withdrawing and probing it again he stayed deep inside him, spiralling his hips and simply manoeuvred himself inside of him, almost stroking his insides as he felt his cock being squeezed.

He bent over him and kissed his soft back, still shaking from his pleasure.

_Christian: Sy?_

_Syed: Hmm.._

He could barely speak, barely breathe.

_Christian: I want to come._

Syed reacted immediately. He leaned forward slowly as he felt him slide out of him. He reached leaned back and felt Christian nibble his neck as his hand gently unrolled the condom from his cock.

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Fuck me._


	16. Chapter 16

_Christian: If it gets too much, just tell me to stop._

Syed was lying on the bed without a nervous feeling in his body.

_Syed: I will. But it might help if you actually got started!_

_Christian: Sy, this is going to be different to the other times. You'll never have felt anything like it before. I'm starting to think it's a bad idea._

_Syed: Why?_

_Christian: The second you feel me inside you like that, I don't know how explain what happens, your entire body it just..._

_Syed: Just what?_

_Christian: Doesn't want to let go._

Syed sighed and ran his hand across his cheek.

_Syed: It already feels like that. Kiss me._

Christian reached down to his lips as he felt Syed's legs widen still. Before he knew it his hand was wrapped around his cock and was guiding him towards his opening.

_Syed: Be gentle._

His wicked smile suggested otherwise.

Christian eased himself in slowly, capturing Syed's lips against his to silence his cries.

_Christian: Tell me to stop._

Syed was panting heavily, his voice breaking as he begged him.

_Syed: Don't, don't you dare._

Slowly he pushed himself a little further in, seeing a small smile starting to show on Syed's face.

_Christian: Breathe through the pain Sy, and love the pleasure.  
_

_Syed: Trust me, I am **loving **the pleasure._

His lips found Syed's once more as he furthered himself inside him, his entire body screaming out to him to never let this end. It had bee so long since he'd had anyone this way but he'd never had it like this before. Every part of him breathed Syed as he felt himself inside of him.

When Syed broke away from Christian's lips and gasped an almost whispered 'More', Christian was happy to oblige, quickening his pace slightly, feeling Syed groan below him as he experienced the most extreme pleasure imaginable.

Syed's hands fell to Christian's hips, trying his best to coax them to go quicker, harder, anything. As long as he could feel the next level of this intensity he didn't care how it happened.

_Christian: Patience Sy, or it'll al be over too soon._

Syed reached up and pulled his face down, his lips planting the gentlest of kisses on his.

_Syed: Deeper._

Christian smiled as he pushed himself in, slowly as he went until he was totally consumed by him. Syed's groans echoed around the room, his obvious approval ringing in Christian's ears.

_Christian: I take it you don't want me to stop then?_

_Syed: Never._

_Christian: That's just part 1. Ready for part 2?_

_Syed: Part 2?_

His whispery voice was so alluring and Christian couldn't contain the moan that escaped his lips.

_Christian: This is Part 2._

Syed gasped in amazement at the new sensation gushing through him as he felt him withdrawing.

_Christian: Nice?_

_Syed: Just do it again!_

He couldn't believe how different the sensation was! His entire being responded in a way that was alien to him, inflammations he'd never imagined possible surged through him so vividly that he knew he must be in paradise.

He ravished Christian's mouth as he felt him slid in and out of him, holding his hips as he felt the the full extent of his naked cock. He was so tight he could feel every vein on his cock with every move he made.

_Christian: Is it hurting?_

_Syed: Yeah. Don't stop._

Christian continued as he was. Slow, long strides, every one causing Syed to shudder while he waited patiently for him to tell him to pick up the pace. But he didn't mind waiting. He'd have stayed like this for an eternity if he had to.

_Syed: Go a little faster._

_Christian: You sure?_

He sounded doubtful.

_Syed: Don't you want to?_

Christian smiled.

_Christian: Told you you'd like it._

Christian picked up his pace a little. Impossible as it seemed, his pleasure heightened. He was so consumed by his emotions that he dropped his head and buried it into Syed's neck, gently nuzzling his soft skin. He groaned as he felt his orgasm rising inside of him, feeling the final throws of his life with Syed rearing it's ugly head.

_Christian: I love you._

Syed fought back his tears. This was it. It was almost over. He knew from the tone, the words he spoke to him, that this was the last time he'd feel him inside him. The last time he would ever pleasure him beyond his dreams. The last time he would ever let himself be alone with the man he loved.

_Syed: I'm so glad I found you._

Christian couldn't help himself. His tears flowed from his closed lids and dropped heavily onto Syed's shoulders. Feeling the wetness and knowing he was feeling the same, Syed couldn't hold back any longer. He picked Christian's face up until it was level with his own, moving slightly as his hips continued the perfect ending to their perfect evening.

_Syed: I love you. So much._

Before he could speak, before he could utter one word that would break Syed's already shattered heart, Christian kissed him more sensually and with more meaning than he had ever done before. He placed his entire heart into his kiss, his entire soul, offering them to Syed through his lips, giving them to him for eternity, hoping he'd one day find a way to return them in the same way.

Christian could feel it rising inside him, seconds away from exploding. As he pushed into him with a force that made Syed cry out he gripped Syed's shoulders, his hold tightening as he came with such force his body tensed to the point of pain.

_Syed: Don't stop._

With the few remaining thrusts his body found the energy to carry on, to pleasure him one last time. Deeper inside him he pushed himself until he felt him tighten around him, his cries louder than ever before as he felt himself come in the best possible way.

They lay silently in each other's arms for hours that felt like seconds. Neither spoke, neither moved. But both silently wept, too afraid to show the other just how much he was hurting. How impossible he found the task that was approaching. The final goodbye had happened before but this time it was different. This time it really was final.

As the sun shone in through the small window Syed held him tighter, a silent begging on his part to let him go.

_Syed: Do you mind if I have a shower?_

His stubble gentle grazed Christian's chest as he spoke, catching his breath as he realised all the tiny things he would miss about him as well. He was so focused on never having him lay beside him again, have him hold him in his warm embrace that it was the little things he would miss the most.

_Christian: Of course._

Syed pulled himself away from him, feeling his body try and fight its way back into the arms of the only person it wanted to be next to. The only person it wanted touching him, kissing him. Loving him. He turned around and saw his face as he lay there, desperately trying to avoid his eyes.

_Syed: Christian, I..._

_Christian: Please Sy, please don't. I can't take anymore._

His eyes swam in the watery pools that appeared from nowhere, his face crumbled from the pain, and his voice? It shook beyond Syed's imagination. He was hurting all over again.

Syed bent down and kissed his lips gently.

_Syed: I wont be long._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

As he heard the bathroom door close behind him Christian rolled over and buried his head into his pillow, sobbing so loudly that he knew his muffled cries could be heard. But he couldn't stop them, instead he let them fill the room, his tears soaking the pillow beneath him until they finally lulled him into an uneasy sleep, his dreams troubled by the real events that were about to take place. Life without Syed.

* * *

The door closed behind him seconds before he was so overcome that he dropped to his knees, his anguish escaping him properly for the first time. He knew he could hear him but he was inconsolable. Nothing he could say or do would stop the pain in him. His tear strewn face fell into his hands like a dead weight, his heavy tears weighing him down. The minutes that passed as sat there, hunched into a ball felt like hours. His head drummed from the pain his grief had brought, his eyes drained, his heart not only broken, but disappeared. He'd left his heart with the man that lay just a few feet away from him, nothing but a closed door separating them. Hoping he'd hold onto it forever.

* * *

Feeling anything but fresh for his shower, Syed stood and looked blankly at the door, too afraid to open it. What would he say to him? 'Thanks, see you around?'. Nothing could make this situation any easier, but then again, nothing could make it any harder either. Biting his lip he turned the handle and prepared himself for whatever would happen next.

* * *

He stood in awe of him, his eyes closed. His cheeks were still wet, still speckled with his tears like small rivers flowing down his perfect face. But even in his sleep Syed could see the pain on his face, almost see his heart breaking as he slept. He bent over and wiped a tear that was falling from his dreams and gently kissed his lips for the final time, his hand leaving his final token to him under his pillow. He turned around and dressed silently, praying his sobs wouldn't wake him. That he would sleep through the sound of his tears.

He turned for one last look. One last look at his soul mate and crumbled again. He couldn't do this. He couldn't leave him like this. He grabbed Christian's phone from the table and quietly walked back into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He held his breath as he began scrolling through the phone book, stopping almost immediately as he found the name he was looking for under 'A'.  
This was going to be hard.


	17. Chapter 17

His hand shook as he pressed the dial button, hoping it wouldn't ring for too long. He wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. He held his breath as he heard it connect and ring just once before the voice on the other end spoke.

_Andy: He's gone then?_

_Syed: Andy? It's Syed._

He braced himself for the verbal backlash he knew he deserved from him but instead found nothing but an awkward silence.

_Andy: Oh. Where's Christian?_

_Syed: He's asleep. I know I have no right to ask you this but I need a favour._

_Andy: Want me to stand in front of you so you can aim for my face this time?_

_Syed: Look I'm sorry about that OK, I just reacted._

_Andy: Whatever. What do you want Syed?_

_Syed: Could you come over?_

_Andy: To Christian's?_

_Syed: Yeah. He's fallen asleep. I don't want him waking up alone._

This was his worst nightmare. Asking another man to comfort him, to hold him as he cried the tears that fell because of him. He exhaled heavily as soon as he felt his bottom lip quiver.

Andy dropped his defensive attitude. Syed's voice was breaking as he spoke, he could almost hear the tears falling.

_Andy: So it's over then?_

Syed nodded, realising that Andy couldn't see him, couldn't see him nod his life away.

_Syed: Yeah. It's ove.._

He couldn't finish the word.

_Andy: Give me 10 minutes. I'm on my way._

* * *

The sound of tyres grinding to a halt outside brought Syed out of his sluggish slumber. He had been sat on the stairs both waiting for him and hoping he'd never turn up. He couldn't stay in the flat listening to him sobbing in his sleep. Seeing the tears fall down his face as he dreamed the same dream Syed knew he'd have every night for the rest of his life. So he'd closed the door behind him for the last time, one last glance over his shoulder as he heard him call to him from his dream.

_Christian: Sy?_

Knowing he wouldn't hear him, that his voice would simply echo around the room didn't stop him. He had to tell him somehow.

_Syed: I should have chosen you._

* * *

He walked down the stairs and opened the door to let him in not meeting his eyes once. Judgement was one emotion he could live without at the moment.

_Andy: Hi_

What else could he say to him? He didn't know anything about him apart from what Christian had told him and he was obviously biased. But one look at his face said it all, told Andy that he was going through the same pain as Christian, the same heartache.

_Andy: Syed, listen..._

_Syed: Just stay with him. Please._

He couldn't go through all this again, couldn't even bring himself to say his name.

_Andy: I will. I promise._

* * *

He ran from his home, ran from him, tears clouding his line of sight as he tore away from the hold he had on him. He didn't care about the concerned looks he was getting, the puzzled looks his neighbours gave him as they saw his face streaked with tears. Everything seemed so normal. People were walking passed, totally oblivious to what had just happened. What had just ended. Syed almost felt cheated that no one knew. But then, that was his choice from the start. He ran in the house, ignoring his father's greeting from the kitchen, his mother's questions as he shot past her on the stairs, taking them 2 at a time and ran into the bathroom. He had barely locked the door before he fell over the toilet, gagging numerous times and feeling his stomach rising to his throat as the bile tried to escape his body.

His stomach and throat burning from the emptiness that was desperate to escape, he leaned back against the bathroom door, his arms wrapped around his knees as he sobbed out my soul once more.  
The echoes of footsteps on the stairs were a background noise to him as he cried so hard he could feel it rising from his stomach again.

A gentle knock silenced him.

_Zainab: Syed? Syed are you OK?_

Syed wiped his eyes as he tried to steady his voice.

_Syed: I'm fine mum, just... give me a minute._

_Zainab: Open the door._

_Syed: I'm fine mum, just leave it_

_Zainab: Syed. Open the door._

Her tone with him hadn't changed since the wedding. The bitterness was still there, the resentment. The disappointment. He got up and unlocked the door, unsure of what lie he would spin her this time.

_Zainab: Syed? What's happened? What's wrong?_

_Syed: Nothing mum. Please can you just give me a few minutes?_

_Zainab: Where's Amira?_

_Syed: I don't know_

_Zainab: You haven't argued have you?_

_Syed: No mum I..._

_Zainab: You have haven't you?_

_Syed: How can we have argued? I haven't seen her since last night._

_Zainab: But you stayed in her fathe..._

_Syed: She did._

He cut in. No more lies he told himself. She knew who he was, there was no point in lying anymore.

_Syed: I stayed somewhere else._

Zainab took a step back, her face turning from puzzled to anger as she realised what he was telling her.

_Zainab: No Syed. tell me you didn't. Tell me you haven't been with that man._

Syed remained silent. He could feel his anger towards her growing as her voice changed when she spoke of him

_Zainab: How could you Syed? How could you?_

Syed: Do you have any idea what I've just done for you? For this family? I have just said goodbye to the only perso... man that I have ever loved in my life. I am at my lowest mum. Nothing you can say to me will make me feel guilty about what I've done. Nothing. so please, shout all you want to because I promise you now, none of it will make any difference.

Zainab stared at him

_Zainab: I've already told you Syed, these feelings you think you have for him, they will pass. You have a beautiful wife and a wonderful life ahead of you._

_Syed: What's the point of a beautiful wife when I'm not attracted to her? When I shudder as she touches me mum? You think all that will pass?_

_Zainab: you have to let it Syed. You have to._

_Syed: I don't want to mum. I don't want to live without him. Cant you at least try and understand what I'm going through? I love him mum! I need him!_

Zainab held him in her arms properly for the first time since he'd told her. Held him as he sobbed his heart out.

_Zainab: Syed, you are my son and I am proud of you, of everything that you have done. I'm proud of the man you've become._

Her words rang in his ears and he pulled away from her sharply.

_Syed: The man I've become?! You have no idea who I am mum! The real me, the one you don't know, has been hiding behind this non stop lie just to keep a smile on your face! You haven't got the faintest idea who I really am._

_Zainab: and I suppose he does, does he?_

_Syed: Yes, he does. And he's the only one that wants the real me._


	18. Chapter 18

Slowly he started to wake, the scent of him filled him. He loved waking up next to him. He stretched out his arm, ready to feel his body move backwards towards him, the way it always did, but felt nothing. He wasn't there. And what's more, the empty space next to him was cold, as if it hadn't been slept on. He didn't understand. He could smell him close to him, but where was he?

Slowly he opened his eyes, the bright sunlight glaring onto his face.

_Christian: Sy?_

Andy shot up from the sofa as soon as he heard his groggy voice and was at his side in an instant.

_Andy: Morning. How are you feeling?_

It took Christian a few seconds to focus on who was sat in front of him. Who it was that was talking to him.

_Christian: Andy?_

_Andy: Hey._

_Christian: What are you doing here? How did you get in? Where's S..._

_Andy: He's gone._

He saw his face drop the second the word left his mouth.

_Christian: Gone?_

_Andy: He called me earlier. Asked to to come over, to stay with you until you woke up._

_Christian: What? I don't get it? He's gone?_

_Andy: I don't think he could face saying goodbye to you._

They sat in an awkward silence for what felt like hours.

_Christian: Look, And. Don't take this the wrong way OK but I kind of need my space today._

_Andy: Sure. Call me if you need anything OK?_

Christian nodded, a false smile on his face. No one could bring him what he needed.

* * *

As soon as the door closed behind him Andy heard him break his heart. He'd heard heartbreak before, but never like this. This was physically hurting him.

* * *

He barely made it to the kitchen sink in time. He retched until his empty stomach couldn't take any more. There was nothing in him to bring up and the griping feeling just added to the pain.

He swilled his mouth with the icy water running from the tap and reluctantly looked outside. He almost felt cheated at how unaware people were to what had just happened, what had just ended. He almost felt cheated of his grief.

And then he saw him, walking along the square as if he hadn't a care in the world. Syed walked, his back to Christian's flat, along the road. His hands in his pockets and his head bowed slightly. Try as he might Christian could take his eyes from him. It seemed like weeks had passed since he'd last been here.

* * *

He walked along the road, the pull of turning around almost getting the better of him. Just to see his empty window would be better than nothing. But he had to stay strong.

_Amira: Hey babe! Sorry I'm late. Have you been waiting long?_

She kissed his cheek as she greeted him.

_Syed: Just got here._

_Amira: Right, I'll fill you in on what me and my dad got up to, just in case your mother asks._

_Syed: Actually, I've already been home. She knows I wasn't with you._

They turned and made their way back to the house. Syed knew she was talking, he could hear her voice but made no sense of what she was saying. His eyes had betrayed him. He saw him standing in his window.

* * *

Slowly he backed away from the window. It was a sight he would have to get used to sooner or later. But not yet. Not today.

He climbed back into bed and breathed in deeply. He could still smell him on his pillow. His scent refreshed so many memories that Christian couldn't bear it any longer. He started stripping the bed of the bed clothes, anything to get him out of his head.

And then he saw it. A white envelope with his name scrawled in Syed's handwriting.

He sat and stared at it, not daring to open it, not daring to touch it. Did he want to know what was inside? Wouldn't it just make things worse?

He picked it up and placed it in his drawer, pulling it straight back out and ripping it open. Even the sight of his handwriting made him gasp.

Unprepared for what he was about to read, Christian took a deep breath, wiped his eyes and began reading the only materialistic thing of Syed's he owned.

* * *

Christian.

Where do I even begin? Before I started writing this, my head was filled with everything I've ever wanted to tell you, everything I want you to know. But now? Now it just doesn't seem enough. How can I put into words what I feel for you? I can't can I? There are no words. I could write that I love you but I'd be lying. Love doesn't even scratch the surface of what I feel. I could tell you that I'll miss you but what would be the point of that when it doesn't even explain the emptiness I feel. I can't even begin to tell you how hard I'll cry, knowing I'll never touch you again. Feel your soft skin against mine, your tender lips crushing mine in the passionate way you kiss me. And I'll never hear your heart beating as I lay on you, it's rhythm rapidly increasing as I run my hand over your chest, making me smile when I realise I have the same effect on you that you have on me.

The thing is, I never thought I could feel like this. I never even knew that 'this' existed. I almost wish it didn't. I almost wish that love was it for me, that it would be strongest I could feel, the most I could hurt. Almost. Because if one good thing has come out of this, from the pain of dying inside, is that I got to meet you. I got to share my life with you for such a short space of time. But those few stolen moments are everything to me. They'll be what will get me through each day. They're what make it all worth it. And I wouldn't change that for anything. I'd do it all again, just to have you smile at me the way only you do, feel it warm me inside. To see your eyes dance when they see me, making me feel like the only person they want to look at. To know that you love me makes it all worth it. Everything I've gone through. The hurt, the heartbreak, everything was worth it, just to have one touch from you.

My mind will hold on to my memories and I'll treasure them until the day I die. Because those can never be taken away from me. No one can touch them or stop me re-living them. They're mine and they're full of you. Those are only memories I ever want. My perfect you. No one can ever change what happened between us, no one can take that away from me either. They can never touch our time together, never damage it in my mind. That is why I'm happy I found you. Because all I have to do is close my eyes and I'm back there with you, back to where I belong.

Please, don't ever stop being you. Don't stop being the man I will love for eternity. Time makes love endless and my love for you is no different. It will continue long after our time is up. It will carry on in through the air, searching for you for an eternity, never giving up until it finds you again, finds your soul. I'll never fall in love again, I'll never let myself. Because there's no one on this earth apart from you that I want to love, no one else I can give my heart to because you have it, and you always will. I knew all I ever needed to know about how you felt for me from the way you kissed me every time we were alone. Falling in love with you was so easy that I didn't even realise I had until I was too far in. And how did I show you? I did nothing but treat you badly, said the most hurtful things to you, but I did all that for a reason. I couldn't stand you falling for me. Because I knew this could never end the way you, the way I wanted it to. Please believe me when I say that I never meant to brake your heart.

All I've ever wanted to be is the real me. You helped me to do that. You helped me to realise that I can be me, that I wouldn't always be judged. You never did, ever. Despite everything I put you through you were always there for me when I crashed down. You taught me so much and I never even thanked you. You taught me to speak the words that I never thought I could, helped me feel things I never let myself feel before. I was too afraid of what it would mean if I did. But not anymore. I know now who I am and that's all down to you. You made me the happiest man on earth, and I can never thank you enough for that. You showed me what it was like to be loved back by the only person that mattered.

I'm yours Christian, I always have been and I always will be. What you do to me takes my breath away. You'd touch my face and I'd feel everything else just wash away. You embraced my soul and warmed my heart, making me feel alive with every breath I took and bit by bit you gave me everything I've ever dreamed of and more. You gave me a reason to live, a reason to smile as I woke each morning. Whenever I was with you I would just forget the world, forget any one and anything else existed. Because no one is as important as you. All I've ever wanted was to able to walk down the street and call you mine. To tell you every day for an eternity that I love you. Those few short months with you made my life worthwhile. You saved me from drowning. You saved me without realising it. You saved me from myself.

And now it's gone. Over. But there's one thing I want you to do for me. One thing I need you to do for me. I want you to stop loving me. I want you to move on and be happy. No one deserves it more than you do. You can't deny someone else the love you've given me. You need to feel that again but with someone who deserves it, someone who can love you back the way I do, but make you happy as well. I need you to move on Christian. I need to see you happy again. Because if you are, then I can finally sleep at night.

I'll fight my tears everyday knowing that I've lost the closest thing to heaven I've ever felt, or ever will feel again.

I love you

Sy

x

* * *

It dropped from his fingers and silently fell on to the bed as his tears fell.


	19. Chapter 19

The next few days passed in a blur for Christian. He barely ate, hardly slept and didn't even see the point of dressing most mornings. He ignored the knocks on his door, the ringing of his phone. He shut himself away from life because he had nothing to live for anymore.

* * *

Syed had taken to wondering aimlessly around the square on a daily basis, hoping for a slight glimpse of him. Anything, just to see how he was, to see he was OK. But so far he had been disappointed. He hadn't seen him, hadn't heard anyone speak of him. It felt like he was the only one who had noticed that he wasn't around. And the world seemed like a much darker place for it.

* * *

After 7 days of loneliness, the constant ringing of his phone and the sound of pounding on his front door, Christian gave in and arranged to meet Roxy. He hadn't spoken to another human being since Andy had left that morning and it felt quite strange to have a conversation again. But you could hardly call it a conversation when she did most of the talking. Screaming down the phone about how worried she'd been, how Amy was missing him, how Jane was beside herself.

_Roxy: And another thing. Why didn't you tell me you were seeing someone?_

_Christian: What?_

_Roxy: I finally managed to get it out of Jane, why you were hiding yourself away. Is it the same one as before?_

Christian sighed. At least she hadn't told her who he was.

_Christian: Yeah. No offence Rox, but i'm not really in the mood._

_Roxy: OK. 11:30 in the café. Don't be late. I might even let you buy me chocolate cake!_

Christian laughed for what felt like the first time in months.

_Christian: See you in a bit._

* * *

He jumped out of the shower and stared at his stubbly reflection in the mirror. He couldn't really be bothered to shave and, let's face it he thought, there's no one to look good for any more. He pulled on his jeans and tight black top, the one Syed always liked him in, and walked out of the flat for the first time since he'd said goodbye to him.

* * *

He'd tried to slip out of the unit undetected, desperate for some time alone. Working and living with Amira was starting to put a strain on him. No one should be with someone 24 hours a day. Well, almost no one.

But she'd seen him slip away and came running after him.

_Amira: Hey! And where do you think you're going?_

_Syed: Just needed some air._

Couldn't she leave him alone? Just for 5 minutes?

_Amira: I'll keep you company._

So he had been forced to walk around the square, listen to all her theories on why no one had seen Christian for a while, why he'd quit at the unit.

_Amira: I mean, I know your mum can be hard work sometimes but, it was his job. Syed? Syed?_

_Syed: Sorry._

Her words stuck in his head. He was desperate to know why he'd left. What his mother had said to him. But he knew he'd never find out, especially from her.

_Amira: Are you OK babe. You seem a bit off lately._

_Syed: I'm fine. Honest._

_Amira: Coffee?_

_Syed: Sure._

* * *

_Roxy: I know! I know! I'm late!_

_Christian: I ate your cake._

_Roxy: Thanks!_

He smiled at her as he pushed the plate with a huge piece of cake in front of her.

_Roxy: Aw, you do love me!_

Their laughter filled the café, Amy giggling along from her buggy. This felt so normal, so refreshing. He'd forgotten how much he loved Roxy, how her company could make him smile.

_Roxy: So, come on then. Spill._

_Christian: Rox..._

_Roxy: Listen to me yeah babe. You need to talk about this. Get it all out in the open._

_Christian: Not now Rox OK. Just leave it._

_Amira: 2 coffee's please Bianca._

Christian froze in his seat as soon as he heard her voice. Please don't let him be with her.

_Amira: CHRISTIAN!!!_

She swooped down on him, throwing her arms around his neck, almost making him gag. He could smell Syed on her.

_Amira: Where have you been? We've been trying to call you!_

Without asking, she threw herself down onto the seat next to Roxy, Syed stood rooted to the spot as he gazed at the back of his head. He'd been wanting to see him for so long but now he had he couldn't take it. Seeing him sitting here, going on with everyday life, just like he had. It just didn't seem right.

_Amira: Are you sitting down babe?_

Having no choice but to fill the only empty seat at the table, Syed sat down next to Christian, his eyes staring straight ahead.

_Amira: So? Where have you been? We've been so worried about you. Haven't we babe?_

_Syed: Yeah. We have._

He slowly turned his face towards him, their eyes finally locking together for the first time since their hearts broke.

_Christian: Just needed some me time. You know, feel sorry for myself and that._

He was speaking to him and him alone. Syed knew that.

_Amira: Well you should have called me. Or at least answered when I called you! I could have come over, cheered you up._

Christian shifted uneasily in his seat, his hand brushing Syed's knee as he did so. Both men froze from the contact, their entire bodies stiffened.

_Syed: I better get back to work._

He rose from his chair and was out of the door before anyone could say anything. Seconds later Christian's mobile rang on the table. As he picked it up the screen flashed his name.

Andy.

Perfect timing as usual

_C__hristian: Sorry, I'd better take this outside._

He closed the door behind him and answered his phone.

_Christian: Hi_

_Andy: Hey, so, are you back in the real world yet?_

Christian laughed slightly as his eyes trawled the square for Syed.

_Christian: Only just._

Where had he gone? He turned his head both ways, hoping to see him.

_Andy: Good, that means you can come out tonight._

_Christian: I'm not really in the mood._

He started to walk towards the unit, the only place he could think of that he would go.

_Andy: I'm not taking no for an answer. Bring Roxy is it? I'll slip you free drinks!!_

And then he saw him, walking away from the square.

_Christian: I'll think about it. Look I'll ring you later OK._

He hung up before Andy could answer and ran after him. He had to do this sooner or later.

_Christian: Syed! Sy!_

He knew he could hear him but he carried on walking, stopping only when Christian ran in front of him. They could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

_Syed: Hi._

_Christian: How are you?_

Syed shrugged his shoulders.

_Syed: You look good._

_Christian: I look scruffy._

_Syed: I like it._

I've always liked that look, he thought. There was something about Christian when he was unshaven.

His voice was gentle and reminded Christian of the time in the office when Syed had thought all his troubles were over because he had paid Lucy.

_Christian: You OK?_

_Syed: Yeah, i'm fine. Look, I've got to go. I..._

He began to walk away stopping only when Christian reached out for his arm.

_Christian: Sy, we have to talk about this._

_Syed: What's there to talk about? You get to carry on with the rest of your life._

_Christian: Don't make this out to be my fault Sy._

_Syed: I'm not. You know I'm not. Sorry, that came out wrong  
_

His eyes started to fill with his tears. He thought he could do this, thought he could be strong enough to move on. But he wasn't. He needed him.

Christian saw his face and knew he couldn't cope with him like this. If he started to cry then he knew he'd follow him.

_Christian: Look, I'll see you around yeah?_

Christian gave him a comforting smile and turned to walk away.

_Syed: Did you read it? The letter?_

_Christian: Yeah, I read it._

Syed half smiled at him. He knew. He knew it all now.

_Syed: That's all I wanted to know._

Christian looked at him, confused by his face. He could always read Syed like a book, know exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling. But not today. Not now.

_Christian: See you around Sy._

_Syed: Yeah._

He watched him as he walked away from him, desperate to call him back but knowing no good would come of it. He had to let him get on with the rest of his life.

_Syed: Maybe._

* * *

_Roxy: Who was that?_

_Christian: Andy. Wanted to know if we wanted to go out tonight?_

_Amira: Just what you need to get over him, whoever he is._

_Christian: Sorry?_

_Amira: Roxy told me you'd been dumped. Why didn't you say something? I didn't even know you were seeing someone._

_Christian: I have not been dumped. It just... ended._

_Amira: Still, a night out might cheer you up a bit. Help you to move on!_

Move on? How the hell could he move on?

_Christian: Yeah, maybe._

_Roxy: She's got a point babe, it might be fun._

He eyed her suspiciously.

_Roxy: Oh, come on!! We haven't been out together for ages!! Please._

_Christian: Fine! But we'll only stay for a few._

_Roxy: Yeah, that's always the plan!_

_Christian: And what about Amy?_

_Roxy: That's what Jack's for!_

_Amira: Fancy some extra company?_

_Christian: What? You?_

_Amira: Yeah, and Syed. We haven't had a night out in ages!_

_Christian: I'm not sure it's really your scene. Gay bar and all that!_

_Amira: Well we're hardly going out on the pull are we?! Please?_

_Christian: Sure. Why not._

Amira: Yay!

* * *

_Roxy: OK, why didn't you want her to come tonight?_

_Christian: I just don't think it's their scene._

_Roxy: Christian?_

_Christian: What?_

_Roxy: What's going on?_

_Christian: Nothing, I'm just not in the mood to be around couple's that's all. Especially, all loved up-newly married couples._

_Roxy: No danger there then._

_Christian: Meaning._

_Roxy: Nothing._

_Christian: Rox?_

_Roxy: Urgh, right fine. But you didn't hear it from me OK?_

Christian nodded his head.

_Roxy: Things aren't going that well between them. In the bedroom department._

He felt ashamed as he felt his heart smile.

_Christian: And she just told you all this? You hardly know her!_

_Roxy: Yeah, well, while you've been crying your life away for the past week, we've kind of, bonded over you. She kept asking me if I'd heard from you, I'd ask her the same and we just sort of, clicked._

Christian eyed her suspiciously.

_Christian: Liar. You and Amira would never 'click'._

_Roxy: OK, fine. But the girl just wont leave me alone!! I mean everywhere I turn there she is. Since when did I become Walford's answer to Dear Deirdre?_

_Christian: Why? What she been saying?_

_Roxy: She's worried. About Syed._

_Christian: What's wrong with him?_

_Roxy: Nothing, nothing. He's just not that..._

_Christian: Not that... what?_

_Roxy: Into it._

_Christian: He's not sleeping with her?_

_Roxy: Not since they came back from honeymoon anyway. Keeps making up excuses you know. He's tired, he'll follow her up in a bit but ends up falling asleep in front of the TV. Even his parents have noticed._

Great Christian thought. Just what he needs. Zainab blaming him for this as well.

_Christian: Has she tried talking to him about it?_

_Roxy: I told her to but she keeps putting it down to nerves. She's really worried tho babe. She's tried everything. Underwear, candles, oils, the lot. Nothing seems to work. It's like he's just not interested._

Christian looked down. He knew this would happen, but not this quickly.

_Christian: Poor Syed._

He'd said it without realising.

_Roxy: Poor Amira!_

_Christian: Yeah._

_Roxy: So, anyway, what time are we heading out?_

_Christian: Not sure yet. Said I'd ring him back later._

_Roxy: You really like him don't you?_

_Christian: Who?_

_Roxy: Andy!_

_Christian: Don't start Rox!_

_Roxy: What? I'm just saying!_

_Christian: Yes, he's nice. But i'm not interested._

_Roxy: Fine! Just don't tell him that yet tho! Might get a few free drinks out of him!_


	20. Chapter 20

_Syed: I just don't see why we have to go!_

As soon as she'd told him that they were going out tonight Syed fell into a foul mood, feeling it deepen as she told him who they were going out with.

_Amira: Because it'll be fun! And it might help you relax a bit as well._

_Syed: Meaning?_

She slid over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He tensed at her touch, cursing himself for being like this. He had no right to treat her like this, no right to alienate her the way he was. But he couldn't help himself. He just couldn't love her the way she wanted him to.

_Amira: Syed, I know OK._

_Syed: Know what?_

_Amira: I know your nervous about sleeping with me. But I am too! I mean, we're both in the same place aren't we? We just have to teach each other, help each other... explore._

Her hand slid down his chest and over his groin. Nothing. He felt nothing.

_Syed: We're going to be late._

* * *

He slid into the back seat of the car next to Christian, his entire body screaming at him to reach out and touch him. To feel him once more.

_Amira: Sorry about this, I just get travel sick if I sit in the back._

_Christian: Don't worry about it._

Every corner they took sent Syed sliding into him, his leg crushed against his, their arms touching through their jackets. He could almost hear his heart's beats echo in the car.

Roxy was to busy talking to her sister on her phone to notice the tension between them. The way their eyes glanced everywhere but at each other.

Syed could feel him so close to him, feel the heat from his body warm him through his clothes. He heard his laboured breathing as he struggled to do the same thing he was. Stay away from him.

* * *

Christian held his breath for the entire journey. Every time he saw a corner approaching he knew he'd feel him against him. And he wanted to. Because despite the brave face he was putting on in front of Syed, he still wanted him. He missed him badly, missed his touch, his voice, his heart. He didn't just miss the sex, the way his naked body felt against his, he missed Syed. The man he had fallen so deeply for. He was a different person now. and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't look at him, couldn't risk just one glance at him, because he knew he wouldn't be able to hold himself back. Not looking the way he did tonight.

_Christian: You look good._

Syed jumped at the sound of his voice. He'd been so deep in concentration, so focused on thinking of anything but the man sat next to him that he had blocked out everything surrounding him.

_Syed: Thanks._

_Christian: I always liked you in that shirt._

Syed glanced down at his blue check shirt. The one he had worn so many times before. The one he had thought Christian would see that he hadn't made an effort tonight and had just thrown on the first thing he'd grabbed.

_Syed: Thanks. I see you kept to the scruffy look!_

Christian laughed. Even in the darkness of the back seat of the car he could see his face light up. And Syed's face lit up with him.

* * *

_Andy: Hey! You made it!_

He walked out from behind the bar and hugged Christian as soon as he saw him. Syed felt his guts churning as he watched their arms wrap around each other, the tightness of their embrace was too much to bear and his insides almost screaming at him to pull them apart.

_Christian: Roxy, this is Andy. Andy, brace yourself, this, is Roxy!_

_Roxy: Oi!_

She pushed him jokingly, laughing and eyeing him her approval. Christian knew the look that was in her eye. He'd seen it so many times before. She thought he was mad to turn down someone this good looking.

_Roxy: Nice to meet you Andy. Christian's told me almost nothing about you!_

_Andy: Likewise!_

His smile dropped as he moved in to hug her, unable to believe who was standing behind them. He turned to Christian who avoided his gaze and back to Syed.

_Andy: Nice to see you again Syed._

Syed nodded his thanks at not making a scene.

_Syed: Yeah. You too._

_Andy: And this must be your wife...?_

_Amira: Amira._

_Andy: Amira. Wow, Christian said you were stunning, and he wasn't wrong was he?!_

Christian laughed at him. He really could charm anyone and he had the proof standing in front of him. She knew he was gay, knew he was interested in Christian, but Amira still blushed at his comment.

Andy held out both his arms as he flashed both women his killer smile.

_Andy: Follow me ladies, I've got the best seats in the house waiting just for you._

They took an arm each and let him lead the way, Christian and Syed following behind them.

_Syed: Got a way with the ladies hasn't he?!_

_Christian: Yeah! Bit of a charmer._

_Syed: Christian...._

_Amira: You coming babe?_

They both sighed at the interruption.

_Syed: I need to talk to you._

_Christian: I read everything I needed to hear from you in your letter Sy. Don't spoil it for me._

* * *

Every time they ordered a drink, Andy silently slipped a double into Christian and Roxy's glass, winking at him as he did so.

_Christian: Are you trying to get me drunk?_

_Andy: I've been trying to do that since I first met you!_

_Christian: Don't start. I may be drunk but I know a line when I hear one._

He grabbed the tray of glasses and made his way back to the table. Truth was he was still sober. He'd barely touched a drop all night. Not when Syed was here, staring at him the way he was, biting his lip the way he always did when he was nervous. To much drink and Christian knew he would go one of 2 ways. He'd start sobbing as he would force himself to watch Amira drape herself over him, kiss him, smile at him as he spoke to her. Doing everything he should be doing. Or he'd get cocky and try to get him alone. Back him into a corner, knowing he'd talk his way around him eventually. He could even hear the conversation in his head. 'Just one kiss'. As if he would leave it there. He closed his eyes and put the images to his words. One kiss, leading two, leading into 'let's get out of here', slipping out unnoticed. He could feel him pressed up against him as he saw himself pulling him into the nearest alleyway he could find, his hands travelling down his front, unbuckling his belt as his soft plump lips crashed against his...

_Roxy: Drink up!!!! It's my round._

He almost screamed as she interrupted him, his hands shaking, his cock hard in his trousers. He grabbed the glass and downed it in one. That was one drink he needed.

_Roxy: Syed? Amira? Drink?_

_Amira: No, we're fine thanks. I'll give you a hand tho._

Christian looked over at him as both girls finally left them alone together. Syed slid into the chair next to him.

_Syed: You might want to sit there for a while._

_Christian: Sorry?_

Syed smiled as he nodded down towards Christian's groin as he saw the bulge in his trousers.

_Christian: Shit!_

He shifted uncomfortably in the seat, trying his best to disguise it and laughing as Syed smiled at him.

* * *

_Christian: Trust Roxy!_

_Amira: Sorry?_

Christian laughed as he watched his friend subtly flirt her way into another drink.

_Christian: Only Roxy could come to a gay club and find the only straight man here!_

_Amira: Um, excuse me?!_

She smiled as she nudged Christian's side.

_Amira: What about Syed?!_

Christian was glad he was only tipsy. A few more drinks inside him and the stifled 'yeah, right' laugh that was desperate to escape would have.

_Christian: He's married. He doesn't count._

She smiled at him as she turned to Syed.

_Amira: Good. Because he's all mine._

He smiled falsely at her as she leaned in to him, his eyes never leaving Christian's as she kissed his lips.

* * *

_Syed: I'm going to head home babe._

_Amira: Already? It's still early._

_Syed: I know, but some of us have work in the morning!_

_Amira: Let me get my coat._

_Syed: You stay. There's no point you leaving as well is there?_

_Amira: You sure you don't mind._

_Syed: Of course not._

He leaned over and kissed her, his first real kiss with her all night. He was just thankful Christian wasn't there to see it.

_Amira: OK. I'll see you in the morning yeah?_

Syed nodded and smiled at her as she trotted back onto the dance floor with Roxy.

_Andy: All alone?_

_Syed: Yeah._

_Andy: Where's your wife?_

Syed ignored his tone. He was better than that, better than reacting to him. He pointed to Amira dancing.

_Andy: And your boyfriend? Oh, sorry, you haven't got one of them anymore have you?_

* * *

Syed grabbed his coat, glanced back at the table and made his way towards the door.

_Christian: Where are you going?_

_Syed: Home. Got work in the morning._

_Christian: Amira?_

Syed nodded to the dance floor.

_Syed: Bonding with her new best friend. Think you might have some competition there!_

_Christian: What, again?_

He said it before he realised it.

_Christian: Sy, i'm sorry. Slip of the tongue._

_Syed: It's OK._

The stood there and stared at each other, Christian's lips parting slightly as if he wanted to say something but just couldn't bring himself to do it.

_Syed: See you._

He turned and walked up the stairs and out the door, the cold air slapping his face, waking him to what hadn't happened tonight.

* * *

Christian sat back down, confused but happy. At least they'd been civil to each other, flirty even. Maybe that's how it was going to be from now on. Deny what they really want but still showed each other they cared. He grabbed his glass, at least now he could relax, get a little drunk without worrying about saying something to him.

_Christian: Oh, Sy!_

He picked Syed's mobile up from the table and ran out after him, Andy stopping him before he reached the exit.

_Andy: Leave him go._

_Christian: What? No, he left his phone._

He showed him his mobile as proof that he wasn't making some last ditch attempt to win him back.

_Andy: So? Give it to Amira, she can take it for him._

_Christian: If i'm not back in 5 minutes you can come looking for me! Trust me OK, I'm just going to give him mobile then I'll be straight back._

_Andy: OK. But i'm timing you!_

Christian laughed as he ran out the door, hoping to catch him before he got a taxi.

* * *

Syed leaned back against the wall, his heart hammering in his chest. He'd done it. He'd survived his first proper evening with Christian without letting him see him falling apart. He almost felt proud of himself.

_Christian: Sy!_

He turned his head to see him running towards him. Oh God, not now. Please.

_Christian: You forgot your phone._

_Syed: Thanks._

He reached out to take it, brushing his hand as he did so. He felt the fire inside him burning in an instant. Every part of him screamed from his touch. His breath caught in his chest as he let the intensity of Christian's touch take it's hold on him once more.

_Christian: Sy?_

_Syed: Why are you being like this?_

_Christian: Like what?_

_Syed: This. Nice, kind, understanding?_

Christian laughed.

_Christian: How am I supposed to be?!_

_Syed: How you used to be with me. Just after all this started. You were always winding me up all the time. Annoying the hell out of me!_

_Christian: And you want that?_

_Syed: I do actually. At least then I could hate you._

Syed smiled as the silence hung in the air.

_Syed: See, if I hate you I wouldn't have to think of you. I wouldn't have to see your face as I drift off to sleep. You wouldn't be in my dreams every single night._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Don't. Please don't call me that!_

_Christian: Why?_

_Syed: Because every time you do I go back there. Back to being with you. Back to you touching me, holding me. Kissing me._

Syed took a small step towards him, his lips parted and full of anticipation. When Christian didn't move away from him he took another step forwards, their bodies barely separated by the air surrounding them.

_Syed: Do you remember? What it feels like?_

His slowly moved up Christian's chest, they're eyes locked together.

_Syed: Laying there with me. Holding me next to you._

_Christian: Stop it._

His eyes shut tightly as he felt him move his face to his, feeling his cheek brush against his stubbly face as he whispered in his ear.

_Syed: Do you remember what I taste like?_

Christian moaned as he felt his lips gently close on his cheek, his soft kisses tracing their way down until they finally found his lips again.

Christian tried his hardest to fight back, to push him away but it was useless. The rationality of his mind could never win against the yearning in his heart. But it had to this time. As lost as he was in Syed's kiss he just couldn't ignore the voice in his head telling him that his heart just couldn't take anymore. But still his lips responded, his tongue lost itself as it explored his mouth again, revelling in the fact that his mouth was just as warm, just as soft as it always had been. But this was wrong. This was all wrong.

_Christian: Fuck Sy!! What the hell do you think you're playing at?!_

He pulled away and saw the desperation in Syed's face not to be rejected.

_Christian: I can't do this. Not again.  
_

_Syed: Wait! Please._

But he couldn't wait. He turned and walked away from him, straight past Andy standing by the door, a look of thunder on his face.

_Andy: He got a bit more than his phone back._

_Christian: Drop it._

Andy took a step towards Syed, lighting a cigarette as he made his way over to him, looking behind him to make sure that Christian was back inside and out of ear-shot.

_Andy: Well, you just can't help yourself can you?_

_Syed: Back off OK. This has got nothing to do with you OK. What happens between me and him is none of your business._

Andy laughed at him, his voice turning sinister as he spoke.

_Andy: Yeah? Well you've just pushed him further away from you so I'm making it my business. You see, all I wanted you to do was to stay away from him. Then, slowly I'd help him get over you, nurse hi broken heart and then before you know it, I'd be in his bed, him being so grateful to me that I helped him through his 'struggle'._

His voice was so patronising, antagonising Syed with every word.

_Andy: But now? Now you've just pushed him further into my arms! Big mistake Syed. Big mistake._

He threw his cigarette on the floor and smiled at him,

_Syed: Stay away from him._

_Andy: Or what?_


	21. Chapter 21

_Amira: Syed? Syed, are you awake?  
_

He lay as still as he could as he felt her slide next to him in the bed, her hand making its way up his back, inside his t-shirt. He'd never worn clothes to bed until a month ago.

_Amira: Syed?_

Her hand moved down and around his side. She gently began to stroke him through his trousers her softness barely felt on his limp cock. He faked a moan and shuffled further onto his side, hoping she would take the hint and leave him alone.

_Amira: Night babe_

He heard the sadness in her sigh as she lay down next to him, defeated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
After what felt like the longest 30 minutes of his life, Syed could hear her heavy breathing and knew that she fast asleep. He crept out of the bed as quietly as he could, grabbed his clothes and made his way down the stairs. As soon as he closed the kitchen door behind him he dressed as quickly as he could and slipped out the door into the freezing night, seeing Christian's light in his flat as he looked through the bushes.

He couldn't help but smile a little.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_Andy: I'm proud of you you know. Pushing him away like that.  
_

_Christian : Are you?  
_

Christian's mind wasn't in the same place as his body. Physically he was in his flat with Andy, topping up on the vodka. But mentally, emotionally even, he was outside the club again, Syed's lips on his and what it had meant. Why did he kiss him? Why now? And why was he stupid enough to do it where anyone could see them?

_Andy: Of course I am. You did the right thing._

His voice brought Christian's thoughts crashing back into the room, back into reality._  
_

_Christian: Did I?_

His voice was distant, doubtful. At the time, pushing him away seemed like the only plausible thing to do. But now? Now he was starting to regret it. What would have happened if he'd have pulled him closer to him instead? Kissed him back so passionately that they'd both have gasped for more? Would he have been back here with him instead of Andy?

_Andy: Do you really want to fall back into the same pattern as before? I mean, can you really see yourself coping with being second best again? Always looking over your shoulder, never spending any proper time with him?  
_

_Christian : It'd be better than nothing.  
_

_Andy: Don't be so ridiculous!! How can that be better than nothing?!_

_Christian: Because I'd still have him!_

_Andy: No, you wouldn't! He still wouldn't be yours. You go back like that and you'll still be second best. As long as you fall over yourself for him him the way you do, as long as you play by his rules and do whatever he says he's never going to choose you is he? He'll never put you first! So what? You go back to him, seeing him only when he could sneak out at night. Arrange sordid secret meetings every now and then and have him call all the shots? That's not a relationship Christian, that's an affair! And you're better than that. You're worth so much more.  
_

Christian sighed. He was right, he knew he was. But it didn't make it hurt any less. His head hung low and he brought his hands up, just to hold its dead weight.

_Andy: And what happens when she gets pregnant? Would you keep on seeing him? Its bad enough hurting Amira, but a child? You'd never be able to live with yourself, and then you'll just be back where you are now, going through it all over again. I'm just trying to save you the heartache again._

_Christian: I know._

Andy moved to sit in front of him on the floor, his hands resting on Christian's knees.

_Andy: Christian, I know this is hard but you will get over it, you'll get over him. You'll find someone and you will be happy. But how long that takes is up to you. The longer you think of him the longer it'll take and the longer it'll hurt. There's no easy way out of this, but there is a way. You just have to find it._

_Christian: Meaning?_

_Andy: Go out, have fun, do whatever it takes to get him out of your head._

_Christian: In other words, go out, go on the pull and sleep with the first guy I see?._

Andy reached up and took Christian's head from his hands and stared into his eyes, his voice turned to a soft whisper.

_Andy: Who says you need to go out to do that?  
_

Christian saw him move towards him, his lips parting as his eyes closed, shocked that he wasn't even thinking of moving away from him, telling him to stop. Maybe he was right. Maybe that was the only way to get over him. It had worked so many times in the past. And here was someone who wanted him. Someone who he could walk down the street with, hold hands with, introduce him as his boyfriend.

There would be no secrets with Andy, no hiding. Just a normal relationship. But was that what he really wanted?

Before he could decide whether or not to move into him, to kiss him, the buzzer went, making him jump and Andy sigh.

_Andy: Who's outside at this time of night?_

Christian smiled, trying to hide his indecision

_Andy: Stay there._

He smiled at Christian, oblivious to the conflict going on in his head and walked over to pick up the phone.

_Andy: Hello?_

* * *

Outside, Syed opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again as he realised that wasn't Christian's voice.

_Andy:Hello?_

**He **was there? Alone with him?

_Syed: Where's Christian?_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_Andy: He's a bit… busy at the moment Syed. Call back in the morning._

Christian shot to his feet as soon as he heard his name, almost running over to grab the phone from Andy's hand but he put the phone back on it's receiver before Christian got there and turned back around to face him, his hand reaching Christian's before he could pick the phone back up.

_Andy: He'll only hurt you again.  
_

_Christian: What did you tell him that for? Now he'll think…  
_

_Andy: What? What will he think? That you're moving on. That you're getting over him? Good. Let him think it Christian because that's what you need to do.  
_

He reached over to touch his cheek but Christian moved away from him angrily.

_Christian: It's too soon Andy. It's only been a week!  
_

_Andy: It's been longer than that! 1 week since you last slept with him yeah. But how long since he got married? How long since he actually ended it? It's been longer than you think. You just wont let him go.  
_

_Christian: And you think sex is the answer is it?  
_

_Andy: No._

His smile turned naughty.

_Andy: I am... Let me show you what it's like to have someone love you back, love you totally. I can do that, you know I can.  
_

His hand moved to Christian's face but this time he didn't move away. He let him touch him, let him gently brush his fingers over his stubble.

_Andy: Let me be here for you. Let me make it all just go away.  
_

He tried to forget him, tried not to picture him outside his door. Tried to focus on the man in front of him, how his touch should warm him. But he couldn't. All he could think of how there was no spark between them. There was no instant burning inside of him like when Syed touched him. Andy was just another random man in his head.

_Andy: You know I'm right.  
_

His face moved into him again, the same look on his face, eyes closed, parted lips. Christian's head was swimming with so many thoughts, so many undecided decisions that he simply reacted out of instinct as as lips met his.

* * *

Syed was still outside, still staring at the door before him. The door to the only place in the world that he could be himself and never feel guilty for it. Never feel that he was being judged for his thoughts.

So many images were going through his head that they just became a blur. But one seemed to stand out more than the others. Christian and Andy. Together. In his bed.

* * *

Christian responded to his kiss gently and closed his eyes. His lips gently pushed against Andy's, his tongue reluctant to leave his own mouth.

He felt Andy's hand travel slowly up his chest, the slight tugging of his shirt as he began to undo his buttons and the roughness of his hands as they travelled over his bare chest.

Christian could hear he heart screaming at him to stop him, he could almost feel it cry as he realised he was betraying it by letting someone other than Syed touch him. But his mind was telling him that what Andy had said made sense. Syed would never choose him. He'd never have him.

He pulled away from him as Syed's face flashed in his mind, almost looking at him guiltily.

_Christian: I'm sorry.  
_

_Andy: Don't be._

Andy moved into him again, his smile so wide that he was finally getting what he wanted, what he'd waited for.

* * *

Syed rang the buzzer again. He had no idea what he was going to say to him. What could he say to him? He'd told him to get on with his life, to be happy. But Andy wasn't the one to do that.

* * *

Christian pulled away from him as he heard it ring again, glad of the interruption, of the thought of Syed outside.

_Andy: Can't he get the message?!_

He picked up the receiver again.

_Andy: Yes?  
_

_Syed: I want to see him.  
_

_Andy: Like I said, we're busy.  
_

He deliberately emphasied the 'we' just to give him a clearer picture.

_Syed: I'm not leaving until I've spoken to him.  
_

_Andy: You'll be in for a long wait then._

He slammed the receiver back down and turned back to him.

_Andy: Now, where were we?  
_

Christian never got to answer, instead he jumped from the pounding coming from downstairs.

_Christian: He's going to break the door down!  
_

Andy went to open the door, his face like thunder as he realised his carefully structured plan was unravelling quickly, but Christian stopped him.

_Christian: Leave him! Leave him to me.  
_

He opened the door and ran down the stairs, his heart hammering in his chest as he could hear Syed calling his name, almost begging him to answer him.

When he opened the door he stood there, shocked. Syed's face was full of sorrow, desperation even, and his eyes red and sodden.

_Christian: Sy?  
_

_Syed: I'm sorry OK. I'm sorry for what I did earlier. But he isn't the answer. He's... he's..._

_Christian: What?_

_Syed: He's not right for you!!!_

His voice broke as his tears continued to trickle down his face.

_Christian: What are you doing here?  
_

_Syed: I don't know!_

Christian saw the full extent of what being away from him was doing to Syed. For the first time since they'd parted he looked at him properly and saw a man he barely recognised. His eyes were heavy and dark from his obvious lack of sleep, his face showed signs of suffering, pain even, but it was his tiny frame that shocked him. In the space of a week Syed had lost so much weight that his clothes hung on him.

_Syed: Please Christian, I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do! I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop wanting you, needing you! I miss you. I can't...  
_

_Christian: Hey. Its OK Syed, clam down.  
_

He stepped out of the door way and held out his arms, feeling the instant glow inside him as he fell into him, wrapping his arms around his waist and holding him tightly. Christian felt his entire body glow from the closeness, the intimacy he missed so much. He buried his face in his hair as he kissed the top of his head, feeling Syed's tears soak his chest.

_Syed: I'm sorry.  
_

_Christian: Stop saying that. Its OK  
_

_Syed: How is it OK? I can't live without you. I need you._

Christian smiled at his words, quickly feeling guilty for doing so. Syed was hurting, badly. He had no right to feel happy that he still wanted him because he was the one that he was hurting over. It was his fault he was in this state.

_Andy: You coming back up babe?  
_

Syed went to pull away from him at the sound of his voice but Christian held him closer to him. He didn't care what he'd say to him, how he'd react. He needed to be with Syed.

_Christian: I think you should go.  
_

_Andy: What?  
_

_Christian: Please. I'll call you in the morning._

Andy stared at him, his face both angry and disappointed. He looked at Syed as he buried his face in his chest and smiled vindictively.

_Andy: Sure. We can pick up where we left off tomorrow._

He leant over and kissed Christian's cheek before turning to walk away.

_Syed: Sorry I spoilt your evening._

Christian laughed.

_Christian: Don't be. You just saved me from making a big mistake! Come on. I'll make you a coffee._


	22. Chapter 22

_Christian: Here. Drink this_

_Syed: Thanks._

He took the mug from Christian and tried not to watch him as he sat down beside him on the sofa.

He'd missed this. Being in his flat, sitting with him. It was so natural to him, so perfect. He'd pictured himself living here with him so many times. Being so normal and having such a blissful mundane life with him that he even started to belive it could happen. Everything he'd ever wanted was here in ths room. The only man he'd ever love in the only surroundings he'd ever felt comfortabe in.

_Syed: I'm sorry about downstairs, I don't know what came over me._

_Christian: I do. You were...  
_

_Syed: I'll just drink this then i'll go. I've spoilt your evening enough already._

He interrupted him before he could finish. Yes he was jealous, yes he knew Christian knew that.

_Christian: I've already told you. You didn't spoil it._

Syed sniggered as turned his head, his eyes lingering over Christian' open shirt.

_Syed: So you like him then._

Christian saw his eyes fix themselves on his chest, forgetting that his shirt was half open. He reached down and started to button his shirt as he spoke.

_Christian: Andy? He's OK._

_Syed: So, you and him... you're..._

He couldn't say it. He could barely even think of the word, let alone the image that accompanied it.

_Christian: We're friends Sy. Just friends._

_Syed: Do you usually undress yourself in front of your friends?_

_Christian: Don't be like this._

_Syed: Like what? I only asked a question._

_Christian: Like this! You're hostile, you're aggressive, you're..._

He stopped himself before he said jealous.

_Christian: I'm only doing what you said in your letter._

_Syed: Great. Now you start listening to me?!_

_Syed smiled as he took a mouthful of coffee. It burned his throat as he swallowed but he was used to pain by now._

_Syed: Did you like it? What I wrote?_

He'd been longing to ask him what he thought of it since he first saw him this morning. He wanted to know if it hurt him. If it made him happy. If it gave him some sort of closure.

_Christian: Well I read it. Then I cried. Then I read it again and cried again. Then I folded it up and cried as I thought about it, about what you'd said. And then I smiled and decided I never wanted to be parted from it._

Christian pulled out his wallet and opened it. Folded inside was his note.

_Christian: I pull it out every now and then. I don't always read it, I just like seeing your hand-writing. It's like looking at a part of you._

Christian laughed

_Christian: Makes me sound pathetic doesn't it?!_

The silence hung in the air as Christian waited for his answer. When he didn't get one he turned to face Syed. He was shaking his head, subtle tears forming in his eyes

_Syed: No. It doesn't._

Their eyes locked together in a dangerous way. The way they always did when the passion stirred inside of them, their hearts pounding so hard inside their chests that it felt like they were trying to escape from their bodies, desperate to join each other, to be finally be together.

But neither pulled away.

_Syed: Will you hold me?_

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Please?_

Christian looked at his face. He was so lost, so alone and he couldn't stand it. Syed's face had broken Christian's heart so many times when his need to be with him was over shadowed by his guilt for the feeling he had for him. It was always etched with his personal struggle to be who he wanted to be, who he needed to be. But his face right now was the worst of all. He could see it in his eyes, how he was desperate to be held by him again. To be told that everything would work itself out somehow.

But Christian couldn't give him any empty promises because he just couldn't see a way out of this for Syed. He'd made his choice, now they both had to live with it.

_Syed: Please. You're the only one that can make this go away._

His eyes filled with his tears. Syed was surprised that he had any left to shed. His eyes had constantly flowed every night until Syed was entirely spent, stopping only when the pounding in his head took over and led him into a restless sleep.

_Christian: Oh, come 'ere_

He pulled him into him and sighed the way he always did when he was in his arms.

_Christian: What are we going to do, eh?_

_Syed: I hoped you'd have the answer._

He wrapped his arms around him, his hands gripping his shirt as he basked in his touch. He could feel the familiarity of his skin through his clothes, tracing the tiny mole he had in the middle of his back with his finger.

Christian: Me? I'm as lost as you are babe.

Syed smiled as he called him that. It had been a long time since he'd heard that word come from Christian's mouth. Too long.

_Christian: You know sometimes I wish you'd never done it._

_Syed: Done what?_

_Christian: Kissed me. That first time after Bushra's party._

_Syed: I think you'll find that it was you that kissed me!_

_Christian: Syed?!_

He laughed as he said his name.

_Syed: Yeah OK. I started this. But you still kissed me back._

_Christian: Of course I did! Have you seen yourself?! You'd have to be mad to turn you down!_

Without thinking, without waiting for his brain to scream the warning to him, Syed pulled away from his chest slightly and looked up at him.

_Syed: Would you now?_

Christian was caught unaware by him. The beauty of his face expelled any memories of his own pain, his own heartache. Everything that had happened over the past weeks just vanished. His mind was cleared, his heart mended, his soul rejoined Syed's as he looked into his eyes. He wa back there. Back to that first night that they kissed and explored each other's bodies. Finding that they both knew exactly where to touch, where to kiss, where to probe.

_Christian: I...  
_

_Syed: Do you remember what i asked you to do? In my letter?  
_

Christian sighed as his intoxicating aroma filled him.

_Syed: Did you do it?_

_Christian: Do what?_

_Syed: Have you stopped loving me?_

_Christian: Sy…_

_Syed: Have you?_

Christian shook his head gently.

_Christian: How could I ever stop? There's no space in my heart where I don't want to love you Sy. You're it for me. You're as good as it gets._

_Syed: Are you going to tell me to go?_

Christian look down at his lips as he absent-mindedly licked them, soaking their plumpness as he felt the pull of his own draw him towads them.

_Christian: No._

Syed held his gaze, felt Christian's hands slowly fall from his waist onto his arse cheeks.

_Syed: Ask me to stay?_

Christian smiled.

_Christian: No, I'm not asking you to stay. I'm telling you._

His lips moved to Syed's slowly, barely touching them as he spoke.

_Christian: You're not going anywhere._


	23. Chapter 23

_Syed: Are you sure?_

His voice broke as the softness of Christian's tongue flicked it's way along the base of his neck, his lips gently closing on him when his mouth called for him to taste his skin entirely.

_Christian: You want me to stop?_

Syed smiled as his tongue protruded from his mouth slightly.

_Syed: Don't you know me at all by now?!_

_Christian: Let's see shall we?_

Syed felt his mouth move up his neck with every word.

_Christian: Let's..._

His lips moved higher,

_Christian: see..._

His hands ran through his hair,

Christian: if...

He tilted his head to the side

_Christian: I..._

He nibbled his ear lobe

_Christian: remember._

He flicked his tongue against Syed's weak spot before engulfing his mouth over it. The double sensation sent Syed over the edge and caused him to call out his name as he pushed his head deeper on to his skin, his knees loosing all feeling as they buckled under him.

Christian laughed.

_Christian: Looks like I know you pretty well Sy._

_Syed: Yeah? Prove it._

He grabbed Christian's hand and thrust it onto his crotch, his stiffness intensifying from his touch.

_Syed: Fuck me._

_Christian: No._

Syed pulled away from him as soon as his words registered in his mind.

_Syed: What?_

He smiled uncertainly at him, confused by the seriousness in his voice. He had to be joking!

_Christian: You heard me._

_Syed: But...?_

Christian laughed at him quietly as he placed his finger over his lips to hush him. He looked as though he was about to burst into tears at any second.

_Christian: I'm not going to fuck you Sy._

_Syed: So this is it?!_

_Christian: 'This' hasn't even begun yet. I want to play with you, make you feel things you've never thought were possible, and I wont even be touching you... Some of the time anyway._

Syed smiled, his disappointment vanishing almost instantly.

_Christian: What? You think I have to fuck you to get what I want? You've got a lot to learn Sy. I can make you come without even touching you._

_Syed: You're all talk!_

_Christian: No babe. I'm all mouth._

Syed smiled as Christian's lips found his again, his tongue probing his mouth, showing him just how incomprehensible his life had been without him these past weeks. And Syed knew that feeling well. complex

Suddenly, the void in his life was finally being filled again and he could almost feel the torment of staying away from Christian leave his body. This was right, this was what he wanted. This was where he belonged.

Christian felt the glow return to his heart, felt it beat at the increased rhythm only Syed's could bring to it. He was back with him, back in his arms, back in his life and there was nothing he wanted to do to stop him.

Syed felt Christian's hand slowly running down his neck and down his chest, opening each button on his shirt as he moved downwards. His warm hands burned against his skin, stinging him as they travelled over him, sweeping his nipples as they hardened from his touch. It was the sweetest feeling Syed had ever experienced.

Christian gently moved his face down Syed's neck, feeling his stubble gently scratch his skin.

_Christian: Does it hurt?_

He circled his chin on the base of Syed's neck to show him what he meant?

_Syed: No, it feels good. Really good._

Christian gently brushed his cheek along Syed's neck, gently kissing where he scratched him seconds earlier.

Syed groaned as he felt the roughness followed by the smooth. Pain followed by pleasure, it was his favourite kind. He adored Christian when he looked like this. There was something about his rugged appearance that drove Syed wild inside.

_Syed: You know, it's a good look for you._

_Christian: I forgot you liked it._

Christian kissed and licked his way over Syed's shoulders as he slowly slipped his shirt from them, exposing the petite but muscled part that Christian favoured. He found the tightness when he touched them erotic, sensual. He'd never been attracted to big brawny men, preferring Syed's build. It was the dominance inside of him that showed he could call the shots. But he was different. Syed was different. When he was with him he dropped the act and became himself, at one with Syed's mind body and soul. They moved together equally, sharing the control, the pace, the unity.

His body wasn't as petite as people thought. Under his clothes was the idealistic frame Christian had loved since he'd first seen it. His arms were tones, his stomach showed the signs of slight rippling muscles, accentuated when tensed. His legs were as close to perfection as anyone's could get. His calves were hard, his thighs subtle and soft. Christian smiled as he realised there was no finer sight in the word than this man's naked body.

His hands moved behind him as he traced the tips of his fingers down Syed's back, his skin reacting from his touch while his mouth kissed every inch of his shoulders, slowly moving down his arms.

Syed closed his eyes and smiled as he felt the blood charge around inside of him. He'd dreamt of this, prayed it would happen again, and now it was. Now he was back in the serenity of Christian's touch and he never wanted to be parted from it.

Christian moved his lips towards his nipple, gently flicking the rigid teat with his tongue as he heard Syed groan. He was going to enjoy this.

Syed ran his hands up Christian's back and over his neck, feeling the soft hair on his neck tickle his fingers.

_Christian: You're delicious, do you know that?_

Syed smiled, he knew where this was going.

_Syed: Am I?_

_Christian: Yeah. I could eat you._

_Syed: Don't let me stop you!_

Christian's laughed as he moved his hands lower, undoing Syed's jeans and pulling them down quickly. He moved his hands along his pelvis, surprised by what was next to his skin.

_Christian: And since when did you stop wearing underwear._

_Syed: Thought I'd take a leaf out of your book, stop the restriction that happens when you're around._

_Christian: Really?_

His hands traced Syed's stomach, his wrist barely brushing against Syed's cock as he stroked his skin. He laughed as he could feel him already wet, waiting for him to taste him. He knelt down on the floor, his head aligned with Syed's crotch twitching as he gently exhaled on it.

_Christian: Like I said, I'm hardly going to touch you. There anyway._

He licked the tip of Syed's cock and felt him shudder from the unexpected tinge that was shooting inside him.

_Christian: Move to the bed._

Syed opened his eyes to see his face inches away from his, his lips parted and wet, teasingly calling him towards him.

_Syed: How are you doing this?_

_Christian: Doing what?_

_Syed: This. Making me want you this much._

_Christian: Like I said, you've got a lot to learn. Bed. Now._

Syed walked backwards until he felt the back of his legs hit the bed. Slowly he sat down and shuffled himself until he was in the middle, leaning backwards as his eyes never left Christian's.

_Christian: Lie back and open your legs._

He did as he was told, excitement and anxiety surging through him.

_Syed: Come on then, teach me._

Christian straddled Syed's hips and kissed his chin.

_Christian: You need to do what I say._

_Syed: OK._

It was barely audible but Christian caught it, just.

_Christian: I need you to keep your eyes closed, listen to my voice and imagine that what I'm telling you is actually happening._

Syed nodded, his breathing escaping him in heavy pants. Feeling Christian so close but not touching him was unbearable but strangely intensified the hardness of his cock.

Christian leaned over him and began whispering in his ear. His breath hitting his skin and travelling down his neck.

_Christian: Do you remember our first time? Our first fuck?_

Syed groaned as the memory came flooding to the front of his mind.

_Christian: Do you remember how it felt to kiss me? The way my mouth responded to yours?_

_Syed: Yeah._

_Christian: So do I. I can remember your tongue and the way it wrapped itself around mine as I finally got to taste you. Finally got to feel just how warm your mouth was, how wet it was. How addictive your lips were._

Syed was back there, reliving their very first kiss. His mind led him back to how his nerves vanished the second Christian had responded to him. How he'd forgotten his surroundings and focused entirely on wanting so much more from him.

_Christian: Do you remember what we did when we came back here? The was you pinned me against the wall and drove your self into my mouth? How you felt my cock push into your side, calling you to touch it._

Syed could almost feel it in his side as he spoke. He remembered smiling as he pushed himself harder onto him, just to feel him harden even more. And now he was the one who was hardening. As he did what Christian had asked him to, as he let his mind take him back there, he could feel what he felt that night, the uncontrollable urge he had in him to touch him.

_Christian: You told me to fuck your mouth didn't you? You stayed there, on your knees as I did what I wanted to you. I remember how it felt to hit the back of your throat, how your mouth closed on me as I made you gag._

Christian slowly moved down his chest, careful that no part of him but his breath touched Syed. His body responded to the warm breeze that collided with his skin.

_Christian: And I remember how I screamed your name as you swallowed me, licked me clean afterwards, keeping me in your mouth until you kissed me._

Syed wriggled on the bed as he felt the titillating pulsations in his cock take control.

_Syed: Don't stop._

_Christian: But the best part? The one thing I remember more than anything is what it felt like the first time I pushed into you. I loved how you groaned as I squeezed into you, feeling you push yourself backwards onto my cock as I slid in. You wanted me badly, do you remember?_

Syed lifted his hand up to his cock, unable to control it's internal begging to be satisfied, but Christian grabbed his hand and placed it back where it was.

_Christian: That first time was amazing, you squeezed me so tight as you came, squeezed me until I filled you._

Christian gently kissed Syed's stomach, just to remind him of where he was.

_Syed: Please..._

_Christian: Think back Sy, think back to when my mouth was on your cock, my tongue licking you as my teeth playfully bit gently at just the right moments, in just the right places. I took every single inch of you in my mouth, grabbing your sides, moving you back and forth with thrust._

Syed could actually feel it. He remembered looking down and seeing Christian's mouth wrapped around his cock as he sucked him.

_Christian: You were still hard after you'd come, still oozing your flavour as I licked you._

_Syed: Please..._

He could feel the orgasm rise inside of him, oblivious to just how Christian was able to do this to him. But his mind stayed locked in that night. Locked at the image of what he knew happened next.

_Christian: I wanted you to keep it slow, to make this last forever. But you had other ideas didn't you? You wanted to pound me, you wanted to come again. You fucked me so hard I screamed, I've never had it so good._

_Syed: I want to come._

_Christian: And you will. Trust me._

Christian moved lower down until his breath was on his cock, his hard, wet cock. He wanted to lick his tip, wanted to taste just the smallest drop of him. But he stopped himself.

_Christian: Do you remember what it felt like? The first time you cock moved in me? How you shuddered, gasped. How you felt me tighten around you as you fucked me, made me come on you._

Syed's cock was sore, the blood pounding so much it felt close to explosion.

_Syed: Please, I need to come._

His hand made its way up again but Christian was too quick.

_Christian: Come for me then, come for me as you remember what I feel like, how you fit so perfectly inside me._

Syed moaned as his orgasm rose inside him, feeling as though it hit a brick wall at the end.

_Christian: Come for me Sy._

He screamed as he felt it leave him and hit the back of Christian's throat. His mouth slid down his cock just once before he experienced the most intense orgasm ever.

_Syed: Fuck!_

Seconds later and he was still coming, still pushing himself into Christian's mouth as the combination of the thoughts in his mind and the feel of his tongue lick his cock sent him into overdrive. His back arched as he felt it slowing down, opening his lungs to let in the air they had been denied for too long.

Finally, Christian released him from his mouth, dragging his tongue upwards as he pulled away.

_Christian: Sy?_

_Syed: Hmm?_

_Christian: Sy, look at me. Open your eyes._

He was smiling down at him as he saw him in the flesh again.

_Syed: I love you._


	24. Chapter 24

They lay side by side on the bed, their bodies coiled together in unison. Christian's bare chest was the resting place for the face of the only man he had ever loved. A face so picturesque that he didn't believe it could be real or that it could want him. He never tired of looking at him, absorbing his features as often as he could and storing them away in his mind so he could see him when he wasn't there with him. He was the only thing that mattered. The only one that deserved happiness.

Syed lay next to him, half his naked body on fire as it rested against Christian's skin, the other half cold and feeling cheated out of the contact the rest of him had with him. He absent-mindedly stroked the hairs just below Christian's stomach, his fingers going slightly lower inside his open jeans with each minute that ticked by. He wanted to stop time. Stop it so he could stay like this forever, safe in his arms. There was no malice here, none of the bitterness and awkwardness that his mother showed him at home. Here he was himself, he was who he wanted to be. No pretence, no false smiles. Just him, being who he was. Being Syed. Being gay.

They lay there in each other's arms, protected from everything and everyone outside those 4 walls. Safe, together and, more importantly, in love.

_Syed: How did we end up back here?_

_Christian: Not complaining are you?  
_

_Syed: What do you think?!  
_

Christian smiled as he pulled him closer into his arms, breathing in heavily as he allowed him to fill him. He was in love, it was as simple as that. How he could have fooled himself into thinking he could stay away from him was laughable. It wasn't even an option, it never was. But now the real turmoil started. What would happen next?

Syed sighed as lifted his head to rest on his chest. Gazing into his gleaming eyes he saw his heart burn for him, saw it beat for him and him alone. He had no right to feel this happy, to feel so loved by Christian. He was hurting him with every second that passed. Every breath he took broke his heart that little bit more.

_Syed: What are we going to do?  
_

_Christian: I've no idea Sy_

_Syed: Do we try again? To stay away from each other._

Christian's brow furrowed.

_Christian: Is that what you want?  
_

_Syed: No! Of course not. I can't stay away from you. I just can't.  
_

Christian kissed the top of his head as it rested back on his chest.

_Syed: I don't want to._

_Christian: I know. We just go back to how we were then.  
_

_Syed: But…  
_

_Christian: That's all you can offer me.  
_

_Syed: I can't do that to you again. I can't ask you to.  
_

_Christian: You're not. This time it's on my terms._

_Syed: But.._

_Christian: We don't have a choice Sy. It's either that or nothing. And I can't cope with nothing. I need you.  
_

Syed reached up and kissed him, a lump rising in his throat. So this was it. He went back to living his double life again. Sneaking around behind everyone's back just to feel a little bit of happiness every now and the? That wasn't a life, it was a prison sentence.

_Christian: Shouldn't you be heading back?  
_

_Syed: You trying to get rid of me?  
_

He pulled him closer to him as he rolled him onto his back and lay on top of him, his weight held by his own arms.

_Christian: No.  
_

_Syed: What time is it?  
_

_Christian: Just past 4.  
_

_Syed: Plenty of time then.  
_

Syed moved his hands down and began tugging at his jeans, sliding them over his hips as his cock slammed into his stomach the second it was released from his trousers.

_Christian: Got something in mind have you?  
_

Syed lifted his feet up and slid his jeans down his legs, his feet tickling slightly from the fine hairs on his legs. His hands traced their way up his bare back until they found their resting place on his face.

_Syed: What do you think?  
_

He pulled him down towards him and rolled him over onto his back, straddling him perfectly. His lips crushed to his, passionately kissing him as he reached over to the drawer beside the bed. Grinding himself down on him, just to make sure he was hard, that he was ready for him, he slid Christian's cock in between his cheeks as he moved his hips backwards. As soon as his hands reached him he unrolled it onto him, teasing his mouth with his tongue while his fingers traced his shaft.

_Syed: I want you in me._

His whisper sent a shiver surging through Christian's body. The sound of his voice, the touch of his breath on his skin, the images his words placed in his mind. Everything suddenly glittered in his eyes.

Reaching backwards Syed positioned him by his entrance and smiled through their kiss as he gently pushed himself onto him, wincing slightly while Christian sighed his approval.

That first plunge into him forced Syed's lips to part as the full extent of Christian touched every inch of him, filling him more than ever before. He was tighter than he ever remembered being, mix that with Christian's ever growing hardness and Syed felt the biggest rush of pleasure he had ever experienced. He could feel every contour of Christian's cock as he lowered himself deeper onto it, feel where his tip stretched him as he deepened inside him. How his veins pulsated as his pleasure heightened from being within him again.

Using the disadvantage of his height, his mouth moved to his chest, warming his nipples as he soaked them and hardened them with his tongue. He slowly climbed up his cock reaching his tip before the soft feeling of him entering him again washed over him as he lowered himself back onto it.

It was still there for Christian. That glorious first time feeling still amazed him as he entered him. They had made love many times, each occasion different to the last, each experience found new places to explore. New feelings to overcome. And always the orgasms intensified. Christian had never had sex like it before. Never had the knowledge that he wouldn't get bored of him, fall into a routine. It was all new to him because love was new to him. He knew Syed's body better than he knew his own. Could trace it with his fingers and know where each contour was, each bridge. But he was still in awe at how it could make him feel so new to it. The habit of familiarity had always taken it's toll on Christian, one of the main reasons his relationships never lasted. But Syed was different. He wanted this familiarity more than anything.

Excitement took over his body as he felt compelled to explore him again, flow over his skin as he moved perfectly above him. It was more than just familiarity. It was compatibility.

He felt himself fall again. Not that he had ever stopped, but he had tried so hard to fight what he was feeling inside him that he'd convinced himself that he was over the worst. Now all his hard work was coming undone as Syed pleasured him beyond anything his dreams could have thought up. The feeling of being inside of him was astonishing. There were no words to describe how he felt around him, how the simple mention of his name spoken from his lips started something deep inside him, fuelled him to carry on. His life would be empty without him in it, however small a part he played in it. He realised now that he had no choice. He would have to live with being second best. Because being second best was better than being nothing at all.

He relished in Syed's tightness, grinned as his lips moved over his chest, his mouth already missing the taste of him. But he resisted his urge to pull his lips back on to his, leaving him drench his chest in his non-verbal love instead. He gently moved his hips in a perfect rhythm with Syed's, intensifying the sensual reaction his cock was experiencing as Syed kept the pace as slow as he could.

Syed groaned as Christian's hips began moving with his, pushing himself deeper into him. He ran his hand down his side and slid it underneath his arse, pulling him up slightly, his own way of telling him to fuck him as he fucked him back. The feeling of loss surged through him as he pulled his hips upwards, Christian's moving downwards, his cock barely in him any longer was quickly replaced as he slid slowly back down, consuming every inch of him as he felt him entirely.

His arms pulled Syed's body closer to him, his hand moving down and wrapping itself around Syed's hard cock, the tip drenched in his own satisfaction. He moved slowly, the same pace as his hips, not wanting Syed to miss a second of the overwhelming intimacy he was feeling.

Syed muttered his name as he felt his fingers enfold him, the palm of his hand enveloped his shaft. He thrust himself down on him harder as he exhaled warmly on his chest.

_Christian: Sy?  
_

He reached down and cupped his chin and gently pulled his face back up to his. As his eyes readjusted to the perfect sight before him he felt the endorphins in him peak, his need for this man greater than ever.

_Christian: I missed you up here.  
_

Syed smiled, his lips gently pressed against Christian's as his hand stroked his cheek. He circled the tip of his nose against Christian's, their foreheads together as Christian continued to show him his love in the most intimate and heartfelt way possible.

_Syed: You have no idea how much I adore you.  
_

He had never felt so united with someone before. Syed's unearthly pull fused his soul with his own, held them together as one. He had never realised how empty he was until he had soared into his life, spiralling his existence around Christian's heart.

Syed let the moment control him, let all his thoughts spill out of his mouth into Christian's ear in a whisper.

_Syed: I could hold you forever. Keep you here and never let you go. I have no idea what I've done to deserve you, deserve your love but I'm glad I did it._

Christian ran his hands through his hair as his heavenly words echoed in his ear. His body shook as Syed's hips slowly rose and fell on him, engulfing him as he felt the most beautiful feeling and heard the most precious words. His emotions were overflowing from the combination.

_Syed: You're amazing. You're everything I've ever wanted. I feel like you were made just for me._

_Christian: I was._

Syed kissed him again. Slowly, warmly, letting his desire flow into his open mouth.

_Syed: I want you. Only you._

_Christian: I'm all yours._

Syed changed the direction of his hips. As he moved upwards he moved forwards. When he drove downwards he moved backwards as well. He knew this move sent Christian wild, knew he found it impossible to tell him to stop. He also knew how quick it made him come.

_Christian: I don't want this to be over Sy. It feels to good._

_Syed: It's not. I'm just teasing you. I know when you're about to come. I can read your face, see you tense. I can even feel it inside of me. You feel like you're about to burst._

_Christian: I..._

_Syed: So that's why I'll stop. Just as I see you look into my eyes, see you feed from me, I'll stop. I wont move an inch, just kiss you, taste you until I know you've calmed down. Know that you're ready to start again._

_Christian: You are such a tease._

He smiled as his eyes closed, glad that this wasn't over yet. His cock began to tense and his smile grew. He was right. Syed was right. He could feel himself thicken inside of him, his body tensing as the feeling began inside of him, and his eyes, without thinking, his eyes opened and found his.

Syed stopped moving.

_Syed: See. I know you too well._

His smile stayed on his face as he reached in to kiss him, his hands on his cheeks to pull him closer into him. It felt so right to be here with him. Not just the sex, but the companionship. He loved how they were together, loved how they could sit for hours, not speak a word but so many things would get said. They didn't need the awkwardness of forced conversation. They knew each other's thoughts and that was all they needed.

Syed began to slowly creep back up his cock.

_Syed: Ready to start again._

_Christian: You really need to ask?_

_Syed: How's this?_

He clenched himself around his cock as he pulled himself away.

_Christian: Nice._

_Syed: Nice? Is that it? How about now?_

Slowly he slid back down him.

_Christian: It's OK!_

Syed laughed as he smiled up at him.

_Syed: OK? We'll have to think of something then wont we?_

_Christian: Oh yeah, what have you got in mind?_

He kissed his lips as he pulled himself up, letting Christian fall out of him.

_Syed: Let's see shall we?_

He reached behind him and unrolled the condom from him, checking to see how moist his shaft was.

_Syed: Let's see if this makes it any better._

Their mouths collided as he pushed himself down onto him, feeling him naked inside of him for the first time in to long. Syed could hardly move from the rush inside of him, lowered his face onto the grove between Christian's neck and shoulder and gently bit him.

_Syed: Fuck me._

_Christian: I thought you'd never ask!_

He slapped his hands onto Syed's arse and held him steady.

_Christian: Don't move. Just kiss me._

He lifted his hips up and slithered inside of him slowly, feeling his fleshy insides on his naked cock.

_Christian: I love you Sy. More than you know._

Syed pulled his face closer to him, his lips deeper onto his as he lost control of his tongue in his mouth. Slowly it licked his, caressed his, became one with his.

_Syed: Don't ever stop._

He groaned as he felt him slip inside him, his cock refusing to speed up. He was desperate to be fucked hard, fast. But he knew better. He knew he'd come and it would all be over.

_Christian: Sit up._

Syed pulled away from him and looked into his eyes.

_Christian: Sit up._

Syed did as he said, his eyes silently closing as he continued to move inside of him.

_Christian: Show me what you do when you're alone._

Syed smiled at him. He loved it when he was dirty.

_Christian: Show me what you do when it just you, thinking of me and you can't control it anymore._

His hand moved over Syed's cock, stroking it gently as he spoke.

_Syed: And if I don't?_

_Christian: That's not even an option._

Gladly moving his hand to his cock he kept his eyes locked on Christian's, his hand slowly bringing the sensation to it peak.

Christian sat up and leant back on his hands, his hips gently moving quicker underneath Syed. He smiled at the sight before him. Syed, naked and fucking himself as he tried to resist the urge to move on top of him.

_Cristian: Now I can read your face. I know you won't be long when your lips start to move apart and you start moving with me. You moan louder than normal Sy and your breath comes out so heavy. You're not far off now are you? Your hand's getting tighter, I can see it._

Syed found it impossible to talk. Christian started licking his lips as he spoke, dropped his voice to the husky tone he knew Syed loved and started moving quicker beneath him.

_Christian: I know when you're going to come because that's when I come._

_Syed: Now. I'm going to come now._

_Christian: No you're not. You're not doing anything until I tell you to._

_Syed: But..._

_Christian: Sy, you are not going to come yet._

His smile was pure sex, his voice pure filth and Syed found it impossible to listen to him, but somehow he did. He slowed his hand and focused on Christian. Feeling him push deeper inside of him as he showed the early signs of the end.

_Christian: It's my turn first._

He drove himself deep into him, harder than before. Syed smiled a grimace as the sudden change inside him mixed his pleasure and pain together. The addictive pain that only Christian made him feel and he never wanted that to change.

_Christian: Fuck Sy! I love fucking you like this._

He held his hips steady as he continued to fuck him, drive himself so deep into him that he could see Syed's eyes bulge with every thrust.

_Christian: Call my name._

_Syed: Come for me Christian. Come for me now._

Christian's last few thrusts left him in a scream, his voice breaking as it got louder. He felt himself shoot inside of him, his eyes closing as his pleasure left him.

_Syed: Look at me._

Christian fixed his eyes on his, his hips still moving slightly as his orgasm refused to die down inside of him.

_Syed: My turn?_

Christian nodded, unable to speak as Syed's hand moved quickly on his own cock, his hips moving as he continued to fuck Christian.

_Christian: In my mouth._

Syed's hand moved desperately, his insides calling at him to release the indescribable feeling he had been holding back. When he could feel it seconds away he lifted himself up and Christian sat up in front of him, driving his mouth over his cock.

Syed began to scream as he came. Holding Christian's head steady he fucked his mouth hard, feeling his tip hit the back of his throat seconds before one big push finished him off. He felt him swallow him, felt his tongue lick him clean as he kept pushing himself in and out of his mouth, calling his name.

As Christian pulled himself away Syed looked down on him. He had no words for what he felt for him.

_Christian: Sy? You OK._

He smiled down at him as he answered the easiest question anyone had ever asked him.

_Syed: I'm more than OK. I'm with you._


	25. Chapter 25

He closed the door quietly behind him, sighing as he took off his jacket and made his way towards the stairs. He had no right to feel this happy, no right to do this to him again. But he couldn't help it, his entire body had ached for him when they had been apart and now he finally had him back in his arms. Felt the warmness of his touch again, the sweetness of his kiss. He was his more than just his lover. He was his safe haven, his best friend and his soul mate. He was the missing link in Syed's life.

His guilt always seemed to vanish as soon as he touched him and he had no idea if Christian knew of the invisible power he had over him. Everything in his life seemed less catastrophic when he was with him. He was the only reason that his life seemed bearable. He wondered if he knew how just one touch from him, one kiss, one smile even, and he could make everything alright again. Syed had no idea how he did it but Christian always made everything better. His life had seemed in tatters so many times, he'd been on the brink of self destruction. But he always pulled him back and helped him through. He owed him so much.

He made his way up the stairs, images of the past few hours running in his mind, reminding him of the blissfulness that was back in his life.

_Zainab: Syed?_

Syed jumped as he heard her voice travel from the sitting room and spun around.

_Syed: Mum! What are you doing up?_

_Zainab: Waiting for you. I think it's time we talked about this don't you?_

_Syed: We have talked about it mum. You don't want to listen to what I've got to say._

He turned to walk up the stairs. He hadn't slept, hadn't eaten and he really wasn't in the mood to hear his mother shout at him anymore.

_Zainab: Please Syed._

_Syed: Not now mum._

_Zainab: Yes, now._

Zainab took a deep breath as she composed herself, her voice calm when she spoke.

_Zainab: Please Syed. Talk to me._

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He walked in and closed the door behind him prepared for almost anything. The shouting, the disappointment, the disgust. Everything he knew she was desperate to say to him. But the one thing he wasn't prepared for, the one thing he never thought she'd do was the one thing that happened. She walked towards him and wrapped her arms around him, holding him so tightly that Syed thought he could feel some sort of acceptance in her embrace, some sort of OK-ness.

His tears fell from his as he held her back, realising that this was the first time she had touched him since his wedding. The first time she had shown any form of love towards him and he'd missed it.

_Zainab. Shh shh shh.  
_

She stroked his hair as his cries turned to sobs, turning his head into her shoulder to silence them slightly. His entire body shook as his heartache poured from him.

_Zainab: Why are you doing this to yourself Syed?  
_

_Syed: I can't help it mum.  
_

He pulled away from her and saw her eyes fill with tears.

_Zainab. You are my son and I will always love you. You maybe a grown man but you'll always be my baby. But I need you to make this with Amira work.  
_

_Syed: But...  
_

_Zainab: Listen to me Syed. Please. You have no idea what will happen if you carry on like this.  
_

_Syed: And you have no idea what it'll be like if I stop. I love him mum. Can't you understand that?  
_

_Zainab: No. I'm sorry but I can't.  
_

_Syed: I can't stay away from him mum. There's like this invisible force pulling me towards him and no matter how hard I try I'm still drawn to him. I wish you could see what I'm like when I'm with him. _

_I'm the real me when he's around. _

Zainab closed her eyes as his words rung true. All those shifts in the unit, the times she had seen them together, he had always been smiling. Always.

_Zainab: Tell me then.  
_

_Syed: Tell you what?  
_

_Zainab: How you feel. Tell me how he makes you feel inside. Tell me about the real Syed  
_

_Syed: You really want to know.  
_

_Zainab. Of course I do. You're 24 years old and you've just told me I don't know you!  
_

_Syed: I don't even know where to begin mum.  
_

Without leaving him go she sat down on the sofa and hugged him, his head resting against her chest as she pulled him closer into her.

_Zainab: When did it start?  
_

_Syed: It never started. It was always there. I can't remember the first time I realised. All I know is that I've always been like this. I've always known, it was just a case of admitting it to myself.  
_

_Zainab: And Christian, he isn't the first?  
_

Syed shook his head._  
_

_Syed: No, he isn't the first. But he's the only one that's ever meant anything. He's the only one I've ever had feelings for._

_Zainab: But you've said yourself Syed that Amira is attractive.  
_

_Syed: Of course she is. She's beautiful mum anyone can see that. But just because I think she's attractive doesn't mean I'm attracted to her.  
_

_Zainab: And Christian? When did you know you were attracted to him.  
_

_Syed: The first time I saw him. He walked in the unit and he just blew me away. It was just physical but yeah, I was attracted to him straight away. As we got closer, became friends, we just clicked. We bounced off each other and we got on so well mum. I fought it for months and I was winning! I was pushing him to the back of my mind thinking he didn't feel the same, didn't find me attractive. But every now and then he'd say something or do something and I'd think that maybe he did.  
_

_Zainab: Of course he did! You're handsome.  
_

_Syed: And you're biased mum!  
_

_Zainab: It's true. Even as a baby yours was the most beautiful face I had ever seen. I knew then that you'd break so many hearts. I remember saying to your father that no one could have a face as perfect as yours and not leave a trail of broken hearts behind them. And I was right wasn't I?_

_Syed: I don't know about that mum._

Zainab chuckled as she held him closer in her arms.

_Zainab: Really?! Oh, Syed. I've seen so many girls fall for you, so many hearts break because of that face of yours._

_Syed: I'm getting a taste of my own medicine now though aren't I?_

There was a comfortable silence between them as they sat there, both afraid of the words the other dared not say. But they needed to be said.

_Zainab: Tell me what happened after Bushra's party._

_Syed: What?_

_Zainab: That's when it all started isn't it?  
_

_Syed: How do you know that?_

_Zainab: Christian told me. You know, I was sitting here earlier thinking about where you were and everything he said to me was running through my mind, and I realised that all I know about you is what he's told me. I've never heard anything from you except that you... How you feel about him._

_Syed: Mum... I can't... I mean...  
_

_Zainab: I'm calm Syed, and I'm ready to listen to you. I can't promise that I'll understand, but I'm ready to try._

_Syed: We argued after what you told him at the party. He wanted my opinion and I couldn't tell him, I was too afraid to show him who I was. So I covered myself and said some pretty nasty things to him and I felt awful for it. You should have seen his face mum, hearing those things from me. He looked so... disappointed, as if I'd betrayed him somehow. So I went looking for him. I couldn't cope with it, him thinking that's how I felt, that it was what I thought of him. I had to put it right but more than anything I had to see him. I found him in the unit and tried to pass over the things I'd said, tried to... I don't really know what I was trying to do mum because he was there and that's all that was going through my head. He was there with me, shouting at me, angry with me but I didn't care. He was there. I should have walked out, let him calm down a bit, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave him. My body just wouldn't let me walk away. He kept on and on at me. Asking me what I thought, what my opinion of him was and I felt myself falling. When he touched my arm and looked into my eyes, I couldn't think, I couldn't speak to answer him. So I showed him. I kissed him mum. He kissed me back then pulled away from me.  
_

_Zainab: He pulled away?  
_

Syed smiled at the shock in her voice._  
_

_Syed: Yeah. He just stood there and looked at me, completely in shock. Before he had a chance to say anything I grabbed him and kissed him again. I just melted in his arms mum. It felt so right._

_Zainab: Didn't he pull away again?_

He shook his head.

_Syed: No. He wanted it as much as me. I could tell.  
_

_Zainab: Then what.  
_

_Syed: I'd rather not give you the details mum.  
_

_Zainab: At the unit?!  
_

_Syed: No! No we went back to his flat._

_Zainab: But that's just sex Syed._

_Syed: In the beginning it was. But it's more than that now mum. So much more. All I've ever wanted to be is the real me mum and he's the only one who's let me be him. He helped me to realise that I can be who I really am and someone will accept me and love me back. That's all I've ever wanted. I've put him through so much and he's always been there for me, he's never let me down. I was too afraid to admit to myself who I was before I met him. But not anymore. I know now who I am and that's all down to him. He takes my breath away. Whenever he'd smile at me I'd feel everything else just wash away. He makes me feel alive. Whenever I'm with him I just forget the world, forget any one and anything else existed. I can't exist without him mum, I'm a part of him and he's a part of me._

Zainab sighed heavily and Syed could hear her heart hammering against her chest.

_Zainab: Then make your decision.  
_

_Syed: What?_

_Zainab: You have to choose Syed. You can't carry on like this. You have to choose between them be. But before you do think of what will happen if you leave her. She will be cast out, her life almost over._

_Syed: Her life is already over if I stay with her mum. Stuck in a marriage where her husband doesn't love her, the thought of her lying naked next to me, it turns me mum. I can't do that to her. Isn't it better if she gets out now?  
_

_Zainab: And what about Christian?  
_

_Syed: What about him?  
_

_Zainab: Think of what will happen to him when this gets out? Do you honestly think that the two of you will be able to lead a normal life? Everyone will blame him Syed and after they've finished with you they'll come after him.  
_

_Syed: Come after me? Mum, what are you talking about?  
_

_Zainab: I know what your life will be like if you choose him.  
_

_Syed: I don't understand.  
_

_Zainab: Please Syed, just trust me.  
_

_Syed: No, what did you mean mum?  
_

_Zainab: Please Syed  
_

_Syed: Tell me!  
_

_Zainab: I was punished for loving your father!_

Syed stared at her in disbelief.

_Syed: Mum what are you talking about? I don't..._

_Zainab: I was already married when I met him Syed and I was punished for loving him.  
_


	26. Chapter 26

_Syed: What did you say?_

Syed had finally broken the stunned silence that hung in the air.

_Zainab: Please Syed._

Syed: No, mum you can't just ...

Zainab: Syed please. Don't.

Syed: You can't just say something like that to me and not expect me to...

Zainab sat in silence, blocking out everything he was saying, trying her hardest to block out the images that came flooding back to her mind.

_Syed: Mum! Stop ignoring me! Tell me what happ..._

Zainab. Syed!  
  
Her voice was shrill as it stop him

_Zainab: It was a long time ago. A very long time ago. Please, I'm asking you to leave it._

Syed sat next to her, his wide eyes never leaving her face. She couldn't bear to look at him.

_Syed: How can I? You can't tell me something like that and not expect me to ask you about it._

Zainab: I know what it's like Syed, I know what you're going through.

Syed. Really?!

Zainab: Yes, really.

Syed: You what this feels like do you? You know how much I'm hurting? How I know I shouldn't feel like this but there's nothing I can do about it? How I should stay away from the only person I've ever loved? You know all that do you? You know but you'll still let me go through with this? You'll let me be miserable?! Let me hurt?! What's wrong with you mum? I'm yours son! I'm your own flesh and blood! But you still want me to suffer?!

Zainab: It's the better option, believe me.

Syed: You're not making any sense mum!

_Zainab: We could loose everything Syed! Can't you see that!_

Syed: I already have lost everything mum! If I can't be with him then I have nothing. He's everything to me mum! Everything.

_Zainab: Well he can't be. This has to stop Syed, it has to!_

_Syed: Stop changing the subject!_

_Zainab: I'm not!_

_Syed: Why won't you tell me what happened to you?!_

Zainab: Syed...

Syed: Tell me!!!

Zainab: I was burnt!

Syed stared at his mother while she sobbed.

_Zainab: I was burnt for loving him._

* * *

Zainab looked at him before dropping her eyes again. Syed could see the pain in her face and linked his hands with hers. He had gone too far as he realised that he had no idea who his mother really was. Her life before he was born was a complete mystery to him.

_Syed: Please mum. Talk to me._

His soft voice calmed the atmosphere instantly while Zainab spoke through struggled words.

_Zainab: I... can't._

Her entire body shook as she closed her eyes, her tears flowing quickly. Syed pulled her into him and felt her body break in his arms. Suddenly he realised that she did understand. He could feel her justification for everything she'd said and done at the wedding in his arms, as though it was emitting from her.

_Syed: Why didn't you tell me before?_

_Zainab: What? And have you realise what sort of woman your mother really is? I brought shame to everyone Syed, everyone. I'm tainted._

_Syed: You're still my mother._

Zainab looked up at him, surprise in her eyes and held him tightly, her relief that he wasn't rejecting her apparent.

_Zainab: You're a good boy Syed._

_Syed: Mum, I love you. You're the reason I'm here. How could I ever think badly of you?_

_Zainab: You could never think badly of anyone Syed. It's not in your nature._

_Syed: So tell me mum. Please._

Zainab took a deep breath and began. Her voice trembling from a mixture of fear and anxiety.

_Zainab: I knew the moment I saw your father for the first time that I had found him. The One! Love at first sight he called it._

She chuckled softly to herself.

_Zainab: He still does. I tried Syed, I tried so hard to stay away from him but nothing I did worked. Everywhere I went he was there and I'd fall for him all over again. Every single time. Then he noticed me and that was it. I knew then that I would never forget the way his eyes smiled at mine the first time they met and I was his from that moment on. Nothing in the world could stop the way I felt about him._

Syed could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke but said nothing.

_Zainab: Do you want to know what his first words to me were? "Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again?" I laughed so much! And the smile never left my face, not until I walked away from him. I had never seen such a beautiful man before. His eyes called at me every time we met, begged me to look into them. As much as I tried to resist I couldn't. For months we fought against each other, against what we felt, what we knew was right. But we couldn't stop it. Life threw us together so many times that we couldn't stay away from each other no matter how hard we tried._

Syed held her tighter, pulling her gently into his arms. Reassurance that he was there for her.

_Zainab: We began an affair. The moment his hand touched me I knew I was in love. Your father was risking everything for me, just as much as I was risking for him. He begged me to leave my husband, that we could just run away together. He swore he'd protect me and I knew he would. I never doubted a word he said._

Zainab stopped talking.

_Syed: Mum? What happened._

_Zainab: Inzamam found us together._

Her voice turned bitter at the mention of his name. And Syed finally understood why she avoided his uncle whenever she could.

_Zainab: He told us to stop, that his family's name would be destroyed. And we tried Syed, we really tried. But it didn't last. I couldn't not be with him. I was never unfaithful to my husband Syed, never. But just to be in another man's company was enough for punishment. When we couldn't take anymore, when we just couldn't keep away from each other Inzamam told everyone. And that was the end of it. I was locked away, forced to stop seeing him. I cried so much Syed. My heart broke just from thinking of him._

_Syed: Shh._

_Zainab: For weeks I was locked away, no one would talk to me, they couldn't even stand to look at me. My husband's family tried their best to keep it quiet, what I had done, but it wasn't long before the rumours started. Before I knew it I was divorced and thrown out onto the street. I had nothing apart from the clothes on my back._

Her sobs grew louder as her body continued to shake in his arms

_Syed: Shh._

_Zainab: I had no one Syed. No one. I didn't know where to go, what to do. I was suddenly lost, and all these beady eyes were staring at me, judging me. It was unbearable Syed._

_Syed: Where did you go?_

_Zainab: I wandered around for hours my head was full but I couldn't think. And then I heard him calling my name._

_Syed: Dad?_

Zainab smiled.

_Zainab: One of his work colleagues had passed me wondering around and told him. As soon as I saw him my knees gave way. He came running up to me and held me. In the middle of the street where everyone could see. He didn't care what they said, what they thought. He only cared about me._

Her voice turned into a hushed whisper.

_Zainab: He asked me to marry him. That he never wanted to lose me again. So I said yes. It was the only answer my heart would let me speak. But it was hard Syed, so hard. His family disowned him, refused to speak to us. It was so hard for your father and I tried to leave him, for his sake. But I could see it in his eyes when he said he loved me and that as long as he had me he didn't need anyone else._

* * *

_Zainab: Three months later I had a visit from my ex-husband. He wanted to know if the rumours were true. I refused to let him in but he saw my wedding ring. I'll never forget the look on his face. I should have taken it as a warning. He locked me in the house. Blocked the doors, waited until he saw me climb upstairs and he set it alight. By he time I realised what was happening, it was too late. There was no way out. I had brought shame on the family by leaving him son for another man Syed. He hated me so much he wanted rid of me, for good._

Syed: How did you get out?

Zainab: Your father turned up but he couldn't come near, the flames were to high and the smoke was so thick he couldn't see inside. But I could hear was him outside, screaming my name. His voice Syed, it was blood curdling, he was in pain.

She stopped talking and Syed turned to look at her. Her tears were thick as they rolled down her cheeks

_Syed: Shh. It's OK mum. It's over now._

_Zainab: Over? It's never over Syed! Every time I close my eyes I'm there all over again. I hear your father screaming at me to get out. Begging me not to leave him._

Syed's eyes filled as he held her tighter.

_Syed: But you got out mum. You didn't leave him._

Zainab: I would have. I stood in the middle of the burning house thinking how I deserved it. How I deserved to die for what I did. There was no way in for your father and I watched him through the window as he fell apart. And then I felt something. Something so wonderful it saved my life.

Syed: What?

Zainab: You.

Syed: Me?

Zainab: I was pregnant with you Syed and I felt you move around inside of me. I closed my eyes and I thought of you and what it would mean if I never brought you into the world. What it would do to your father if he never got the chance to meet you. After that I found the strength That's when I realised I couldn't deny you your life. Couldn't deny your father the child he was so happy about and loved so much already. You saved my life that day Syed and now I can finally say thank you.

Syed: Oh mum.

Zainab: Without you I wouldn't be here. I know I'm hard on you Syed, too hard most of the time and I'm so sorry for that. I've put you on such a high pedestal that the only way for you was down.

Syed: It's OK mum.

He kissed the top of her head, neither hearing the front door closing quietly from the hall way.

_Zainab: So. Now you know. Now you know what you could face if you leave her. What we all could face._

Syed sighed heavily.

_Zainab: I know you love him Syed and I've started to accept that. But could you put him through it? Could you put Christian through all this, maybe even worse. I sometimes wish I'd never met your father. Everything we went through together was as close to hell as anyone could get. But I was so lucky Syed. He could have left me so many times but he didn't, he stayed with me. Fought with me every step of the way and he never ever stopped loving me._

Masood: And nothings changed


	27. Chapter 27

_Syed: Dad?_

_Zainab: Mas?_

Both spoke at the same time as they jumped up from the chair. Both their faces wore the same expression. Panic, terror, fear.

_Syed: How long have you been there?_

Masood never took his eyes from his wife's face. His face was unreadable and Syed started to worry. He had no idea how long he had been there, what he had heard. Syed searched his mind for the last things Zainab had said but couldn't remember. His mind wouldn't let him think anything apart from 'Does he know?'

_Syed: Dad?_

_Masood: I need to speak to your mother Syed._

_Syed: But..._

_Masood: Alone._

Syed turned to look at his mother.

_Zainab: It's OK Syed._

He walked over to her and kissed her on the cheek as she smiled back at him.

_Syed: Will you be OK?_

_Zainab: Syed, it's your father. I'll be fine._

As he walked past his father he searched his face, his eyes, his entire body language for some sort of indication of how much he had heard but found nothing. He was still looking at Zainab, his soft face still, a small yet sympathetic smile beginning to form. He closed the door behind him and exhaled heavily, barely able to make out the whispers from the other side.

_Masood: You told him?_

_Zainab: I had to._

_Masood: Come here._

Syed could hear his mother's sobs as he opened the front door.

_Zainab: Mas, what did you hear?_

_Masood: Enough._

* * *

Syed walked around aimlessly as dawn broke over the square. As desperate as he was to know just how much his father had heard his mind told him to put off going home for as long as possible. His father was so difficult to read. At least with his mother he knew what sort of reaction he would get and he was right. But his father was so unpredictable, he never knew what he would say next or how he would say it. He was used to the gentle Masood, the one who agreed with Zainab just to keep the peace, live a quiet life. But he remembered what Tamwar had told him on his wedding day. About how his father had thrown his own brother from the house and told him to stay away. Tamwar had described a look in his father that Syed had seen before and the memory always frightened him. He remembered what he was like when he found out about the money, how he threw him from his home and told him to never return. The hatred in his eyes, the anger in his voice, everything about his father frightened him that day and it still did now.

Syed walked to the park and sat on the swing, remembering the conversation he had there with his father. So much had happened since then it felt like a lifetime ago. He was a different person now. He had been through so much since that day. Accepted who he was, fallen in love, broken hearts and married Amira. So much had happened but as Syed sat there and looked back over the last few months they seemed to pass in a blur, as if someone else had been living his life.

He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, how long he had starred empty eyed at the ground while his mind wandered between Christian and what his mother had just told him. Now he realised why she had done it and he didn't blame her. Because if he had left her to be with Christian his mother would fear for his life, would be waiting until it happened all over again. He could never let her go through that again. Every.

_Masood: Is that taken?_

Syed looked up startled and saw his father point to the swing beside him. He hadn't seen him coming, hadn;t heard his footsteps on the gravel as he walked towards him. This was it, he thought. This was when he would find out everything he needed to know about his father.

_Syed: No._

Masood sat beside him and gently pushed the ground with his feet, the chain squeaking as he rocked back and forth.

_Masood: You know, your mother never wanted to keep it from you. She just thought you might look at her differently. See her how everyone else used to see her._

Syed opened his mouth to speak but Masood cut in.

_Masood: I told her she was silly, that you'd never think badly of her._

He turned to face Syed and saw a small thank you in his smile.

_Syed: Is she OK_

_Masood: Oh she's fine. You know your mother Syed, nothing keeps her down for long._

They both sat there in silence, both gentle rocking back and forth as the sun rose behind them. Syed was too afraid to ask him what he had heard, what his mother had told him after he'd left.

_Syed: Dad..._

_Masood: You know, I'm glad she told you. That's it's all out in the open. Now you know why she is like she is, why she puts up these barriers all the time. And why she did what she did._

Syed stared at him, not really sure what he meant, wishing he would face him so he could see his eyes, see how they would look at him.

_Masood: Do you love him?_

Syed's head dropped. He knew. He had heard everything Syed had hoped his fatehr would never hear. But the frightening thing about it was that Masood was calm. Syed was hoping for him to shout, scream, anything but this. Because raised voices he could deal with. He could shout back, say whatever he wanted and blame his words on the argument afterwards. But to speak calmly meant he had to be honest. To himself and to his father.

_Masood: Syed?_

_Syed: I'm sorry dad. I'm so sorry. I've tried to change who I am, I really have but I can't help it._

_Masood: I didn't ask that. I asked if you love him._

Syed nodded.

_Masood: Say it._

_Syed: What?_

_Masood: Say it Syed. I need to hear you say it._

_Syed: I love him. I love him so much dad._

Syed's voice spoke before his mind could register what he was saying and he couldn't stop himself.

_Syed: He makes me feel so alive dad. The best thing about me is him. I can't breathe without him and he's in here, all the time. _

Syed pointed to his head.

_Syed: I miss him dad, even when he's stood right next to me I miss him. And I've hurt him so much. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too._

_Masood: So you love him then!_

Masood laughed as he looked at his son.

_Syed: Yeah dad, I love him._

_Masood: I thought you might._

_Syed: What?!_

_Masood: Oh come on Syed, I'm not blind. I've seen the way he looks at you. At first I thought it was one sided, I mean I would wouldn't I?! But then the more time together the more I picked up on things._

_Syed: Like what?!_

His voice was high. He always thought they'd been careful when they were in public together.

_Masood: Just little things. The way you smiled when you saw him, the way your eyes never left him when he was around. And trying to get rid of everyone but him out of the unit was a bit of a giveaway Syed!_

Syed stared at him in disbelief.

_Syed: Why didn't you say anything?!_

_Masood: Because I wasn't sure Syed. I couldn't just come up to you and ask you could I?! Besides, you were marrying Amira, I thought I'd got it wrong._

_Syed: Bet you wish you had!_

Masood's smile dropped as Syed spoke.

_Masood: No Syed, no. If he makes you happy then I'm happy. You only get 1 chance at happiness in your life. If you love him like you say you do then no one else will ever match up to him. They'll always be second best and no one is happy with second best._

_Syed: But...  
_

_Masood: I should never have perused your mother Syed, everything in me told me to leave her alone. Everything but my heart. I fought it but I never listened to my head. I knew that no one would ever make me as happy as she could and I was right. I would have moved on and loved someone else, but never as much as I love her. I don't regret what I did Syed, not for a second. She's given me so much happiness I could burst and I'd rather die than be without her.  
_

_Syed: What are you trying to say dad?_

_Masood: That your head isn't the only thing you should listen too. It isn't the only thing that speaks to you and it isn't always right. No one can make this choice for you Syed, no one. Not even Christian. But once you make it you have to stick with it. If you choose to stay with Amira then you have to cut him out of your life completely. It's not fair on you and it's certainly not fair on him.  
_

_Syed: And if I choose him I'll loose everything.  
_

_Masood: No you won't.  
_

_Syed: I will. Mum's already...  
_

_Masood: Your mother will calm down and she'll realise that you have to be who you really are. I'm not saying it'll be instant and it won't be easy but trust me. Your mother loves you, she can't be without you.  
_

_Syed: And everyone else?  
_

_Masood: They're not the ones living your life, you are.  
_

Syed sighed.

_Masood: You say you love him?  
_

Syed looked at his father and saw such a difference between this revelation and the one he had with his mother. The anger was still there, the disappointment, but he hid it. For Syed's sake he hid it. Syed nodded._  
_

_Masood: Then you have to make your choice. If you can live with never seeing him again then follow your head. Stay with Amira and try to make it work.  
_

_Syed: And if I can't?  
_

Masood shrugged his shoulders.

_Masood: You know the answer. What ever you decide Syed hearts will be broken. It's just a case of who's. Yours and Christian's or Amira's and your mother's.  
_

_Syed: Thanks dad!  
_

Masood smiled a little.

_Masood: Sorry but you need all the facts before you can decide this. This is life changing, for everyone involved. Christian especially.  
_

_Syed: How do you mean.  
_

_Masood: You're not the only one could loose in this Syed, he could loose everything. His family could desert him, his friends. He could be forced out of him home, leave the life he's built here behind him. And he could end up resenting you for it.  
_

_Syed: OK dad, I get it. You think I should stay with Amira.  
_

_Masood: No Syed. No. I think you should do what **you **__want. I'm just telling you what it'll be like for him. I've been him remember. I'm your mothers Christian so to speak. She was married and then I came along and destroyed that. Me and him, we're not that different really. I like Christian, I really do. But would he stay with you when things got tough? When the threats start, and they might. Or would he cut and run?  
_

_Syed: What should I do dad? I don't know what to do. Please help me.  
_

Syed dropped his head to hide his tears.

_Masood: Syed look at me.  
_

Syed sobbed harder as Masood reached over to turn his head to face him.

_Masood: Look at me. I can't tell you what to do Syed. I'm sorry. I wish I could but I can't. But I can help you. Whatever you choose. I'll be here for you.  
_

_Syed: If I stay with Amira I can't watch him dad. I can't watch as he gets on with his life, gets over me. I can't see him happy with someone else. It'll kill me.  
_

_Masood: I know son. I know  
_

_Syed: But if I do choose him what then? You and mum get persecuted, deal with the shame, my shame. I can't do that to you. Not again.  
_

_Masood: We've been through worse.  
_

_Syed: Sometimes I wish mum never got back in touch. I wouldn't be putting you through all this would I.  
_

_Masood: No. But I'm glad she did. I've gotten to know you Syed and I'm proud of you, of the man you've become. I really am. If she hadn't have got in touch I wouldn't have had that. And you would never have met Christian. Love with an unhappy ending is better than never falling in love Syed. If your mother left me tomorrow, if she hurt me in the most unimaginable way possible, hurt me to the point where I hated her, I'd still be glad I met her because she is my soul mate. She's the one for me and I will never be sorry that I met her, that I fell for her or anything that we've been through. She was and still is worth everything life has thrown at us and more. She's stubborn, awkward, a right pain in the... But the Zee I know, the one only I see, that's the real Zainab. And she will get over this Syed. When I don't know. But she will._

_Syed: You know, I never thought you'd react like this. What with the money thing and everything._

_Masood: That was your fault Syed. You stole that. This, well it's love isn't it. Nothing can be blamed on the heart. It does what it wants, feels what it wants. That's no one's fault.  
_

_Syed: Thanks dad. I have to go._

_Masood: Have I helped?_

_Syed: Yeah, yeah you have._

_Masood: And have you made a decission?_

_Syed nodded._

_Syed: I made it before you came.  
_

Masood smiled and Syed was glad that he didn't ask him what he was going to do. There was only person he needed to tell that to.

_Masood: Where are you going?  
_

_Syed: I need to see Christian.  
_


	28. Chapter 28

**This chapter is dedicated to ****ChryedLover (CC!) ****and Prickles. Thanks for keeping me sane ladies and letting me moan so much to you!! xx (p.s. extra thanks to ****ChryedLover ****for helping me decide on the ending! You're the only person who knows where I'm taking this!!)  
**

* * *

Smiling as he opened the door, Christian tried not to show just how pleased he was to see him again, knowing that he couldn't keep away from him mere hours after leaving.

_Christian: That was quick!_

He stood against his open door wearing nothing but a pair of jeans and the biggest smile Syed had ever seen on his perfect face.

_Syed: Sorry?  
_

Christian's intoxicating scent lingered as he walked past him into the flat, inhaling deeply as he allowed it to fill him. Before he could say anything he so desperately needed to he felt Christian spin him around and crush his lips onto his. Instantly Syed melted at his touch. His body ignored its cry for sleep and responded to him thirstily. His fatigue forgotten, Syed's heart begged his mind to let him enjoy this glorious moment. Begged it to loose himself in his kiss. He could feel his blood surge through his body, through his veins into his groin, his erection already pulsating in his trousers.

_Christian: I know you said you'd be back as soon as you could Sy but it's only been a few hours.  
_

Reluctantly leaving his lips, Christian's mouth gently moved and kissed along Syed's cheek as he spoke, whispering in his ear as his soft lips brushed against his ear.

_Christian: I need some rest.  
_

Syed groaned through his closed eyes as images of what he wanted to do to him flashed through his mind. His self control was practically non-existent around Christian now.

_Christian: But I'm glad you came back. I missed you.  
_

Christian smiled as Syed's breath became heavy and his pulse in his neck bulged against his cheek. His hand had founds it's way to the small of Syed's back and his finger tip gently traced small circles on his soft skin.

_Christian: I missed your body.  
_

His hand rose higher inside his shirt, Syed's back arching slightly towards him, pushing their chests together, their hips.

_Christian: I missed your lips._

Gently his tongue traced Syed's mouth, his taste instantly hardening him.

_Syed: I'm not here for that.  
_

His voice was barely audible as his eyes remained shut.

_Christian: Shame._

He crushed his groin into Syed's smiling as he felt how hard he was already.

_Syed: We need to talk.  
_

_Christian: Talk then.  
_

Christian's lips brushed against his cheeks and over his ear lobe.

_Christian: I'm listening.  
_

He smiled as he felt Syed shudder again as his breath warmed him.

_Syed: Christian..._

Christian's lips moved over his neck, his warm kisses sent shooting sensations through Syed's entire body, his mind trying it's best to remind him why he was here.

_Syed: I need to talk to you…  
_

He felt Christian's lips skim the nape of his neck as his hands ran through his hair.

_Christian: So talk.  
_

_Syed: I can't. Not when you're doing that.  
_

_Christian: Stop me then. If you really want to.  
_

His tongue flicked against Syed's neck and he groaned loudly. He had to stop this now or he'd never get the words out. As soon as he opened his mouth to speak Christian kissed him passionately, his tongue gently flicking against Syed's as he became lost in the moment.

_Christian: Still want to talk?  
_

_Syed: Yeah  
_

Christian smiled at his unconvincing voice.

_Christian: About...?  
_

_Syed: About my dad.  
_

Christian pulled away from him, a puzzled look on his face.

_Christian: Well the killed the mood.  
_

Syed smiled.

_Syed: He knows._

* * *

Christian took a step back, his smile fading as his mind raced. He knows?

_Syed: Christian?_

His blank face worried Syed a little. He'd smiled when he'd told as reassurance that Masood wasn't about to explode.

_Christian: That's it then. It's over isn't? Us? That's why you're here.  
_

_Syed: It's OK. He's OK.  
_

_Christian: OK?  
_

His voice was louder than he had meant it to but the shock hadn't worn off yet.

_Syed: Yeah._

_Christian: How can he be OK? I mean..._

He was speechless. Masood was OK? How could he be OK?

_Syed: He overheard me and my mother. Said he'd wondered for a while. Apparently we weren't as careful as we thought we were._

Christian furrowed his brow in confusion.

_Syed: He noticed things. The looks, how close we'd become._

_Christian: So why didn't he say anything._

_Syed: Because he wasn't sure._

_Christian: And he's OK?_

Syed laughed at his disbelieving voice.

_Syed: I know. Bit of a shock for me as well._

Christian didn't want to ask the next question but he had to, he had to know.

_Christian: Sy, what does it mean? For us?_

_Syed: He told me I had to make a choice. That I couldn't keep going like this. It was either you or Amira.  
_

_Christian: And?  
_

Christian held his breath as he waited for his answer. Prayed that the word he'd always wanted Syed to say to him were about to leave his lips.

_Syed: And I choose you. I'll always choose you Christian because of this._

Syed took his hand and placed it on his heart, his eyes still locked with Christian's.

_Syed: It won't stop. It won't let me stop loving you.  
_

Christian smiled and moved in to him, ready to kiss him like he'd never kissed anyone before in his life. He had chosen him! Finally he was going to be happy with the only person he had ever loved.

_Syed: Wait.  
_

He reached out and stopped him from holding him.

_Syed: Just because I choose you it doesn't mean I can be with you.  
_

Christian's face dropped, he could feel the happiness that was inside of him drop to the pit of his stomach.

_Christian: What?!_

_Syed: I love you Christian. I love you so much but we cant be together. For your sake.  
_

_Christian: My sake?  
_

_Syed: Your life if we're together, it'll be impossible for you. You have no idea what could happen.  
_

_Christian: Please_

He couldn't stop the tears, he could hear his heart pounding inside of his chest and heard the words repeating in his head. He couldn't be with him.

_Christian: You're not making any sense. You're telling me that your parents know and they're giving you the chance to be with me and you're turning it down?  
_

_Syed: I know it makes no sense  
_

_Christian: Damn right it doesn't.  
_

Syed walked up to him and took his face him his hands

_Syed: Please Christian.  
_

_Christian: Why Sy? Why wont you let yourself be with me.  
_

_Syed: Its not that easy. There are things you don't know, things you don't understand.  
_

_Christian: So tell me. Please.  
_

_Syed: I can't. I'm really sorry but I can't.  
_

Christian sighed.

_Syed: I love you. I love you more than anything in this world.  
_

_Christian: So be with me.  
_

The echoing words from Syed's wedding day hung in the air.

_Syed: Your the only person I love and it scares me that one day I might stop. I don't want to stop loving you Christian. You're the only one that matters. But you're the only one that I can't make happy. No matter what I decide, you'll never be happy._

_Christian: How can you say that?_

_Syed: Because I don't know what will happen. What people will do.  
_

Christian laughed a little. That's what he was worried about?

_Christian: I don't care Sy! As long as I have you I don't care what happens. I'm safe with you.  
_

Syed tried so hard to find the words to make him understand. He couldn't betray his parents trust. Telling him what they had had been hard. He couldn't let them down now. Nor could he let them go through it all again.

_Christian: We could move away. Somewhere where no one knows us.  
_

_Syed: I can't live my life like that. Looking over my shoulder all the time worrying about you. Worrying if you were OK, If you were going to come home.  
_

_Christian: Sy you're not making any sense. You think I'd leave you?!  
_

_Syed: No. No of course not.  
_

_Christian: Well what then.  
_

_Syed: Do you have any idea what could happen? What my family would be put through? What you would be put through?!  
_

_Christian: No. I don't.  
_

_Syed: Exactly. You have no idea what it would be like. You think we'd be able to just walk around the square hand in hand and no one would care?  
_

_Christian: No one would care Sy. OK they'll probably talk about us for a few days but they'd move onto something else.  
_

_Syed: Not everyone would.  
_

_Christian: You don't know that._

_Syed: You don't know what would happen! What could happen to Amira? I do care about her you know.  
_

_Christian: Urgh. Stop making excuses Sy!  
_

_Syed: I'm not! And what about Amiras father? You think he's going to let us get away with this? He's a proud man Christian, he's not going to stand back while I destroy his daughters life! This is more than just me coming out. It's so much more.  
_

_Christian: He'll get over it Sy, just like Amira would.  
_

_Syed: No. They won't.  
_

_Christian: Stop being so negative.  
_

_Syed: I'm being realistic! She'd be banished from the community. Her reputation, her entire life will be ripped to pieces. Her and her father will be cast out just like my parents will be. They'll be punished for raising their child to be gay, she'll be punished for being such a bad wife that her husband turned gay and you...  
_

Syed stopped mid sentence.

_Christian: Oh me? Remembered I'm in this as well do you?_

_Syed: Stop it._

_Christian: Well what about me Sy? Everything has revolved around you Sy, everything. And I'm sick of it. We've kept quiet because **you **wanted to. We only see each other when **you **say so. We split up when it gets to much for **you **and get back together when **your **jealousy takes over. Well what about **me **Sy? What about **my **jealousy? What's it going to be like for **me **after you, once again, walk away from me? I'll tell you shall I? Do you have any idea how much it rips me apart inside every time I have to watch you walk out that door? Knowing that you're going back to her? Every time I pass you on the street and I can't walk up to you and kiss you, touch you. I can't even speak to you any more!  
_

_Syed: All of that's changed. My parents know now.  
_

_Christian: So? If anything it's made it worse! How can I stop you on the street without them seeing us? The first thing they'll think is that I'm trying to lure you back here! It hurts Sy, it hurts that I can't be me when I'm around you. I sit here at night and I try everything I can think of to get the image of you two in bed together out of my head but nothing works. Every time I close my eyes I see you.  
_

Tears started streaming down his cheeks.

_Syed: You think it's been easy for me? To make this decision?  
_

_Christian: You think you're the only one that's had to make decisions? Well what about me? What about my choices? I've had to lie to everyone I know, everyone I love while I stand back and let you break me piece by piece. Every time you come back I have a choice to say no, to stop you tearing apart the parts of me that have begun to heal but I don't. I make the choice Sy! I take the risk, hoping that one day you'll heal me instead. But you? You just take the easy option!  
_

_Syed: Easy? Easy?! You think its easy for me to do this do you? To know that I can finally be the person I am with the only man I've ever wanted to be with? You think it's been easy for me to watch you as you fall apart, knowing it's me that's doing it to you?  
_

Christian walked up to him and pulled him into him, their foreheads touched as their eyes closed in unison.

_Christian: You could have stopped it. You could stop it now.  
_

_Syed: I can't!  
_

Christian backed away in anger, his body shaking from the rage that was building up inside of him.

_Christian: You won't Sy! For once in your life stop trying to please other people!! Just do what you want to, what your heart tells you to. Listen to it Sy, listen to yourself._

Syed held his breath as his heart begging him to listen to him. Begging him to be selfish and think of no one but him and Christian. But his head wouldn't let him.

_Syed: I'm sorry. I don't blame you for hating me._

_Christian: I don't hate you Sy, I love you. Not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you._

Christian could barely see his eyes through his tears. He knew Syed and he knew something was still stopping him.

_Christian: Please Sy. Do you want me to beg?_

_Syed: No! No of course not!_

_Christian: Then tell me what I can do to change your mind._

Syed could barely look at him. The desperation in his eyes and voice was heartbreaking. He needed him.

_Syed: I'm sorry but I can't._

His voice broke as he spoke and his words ended in a whisper.

_Syed: I know you don't understand this..._

_Christian: So tell me. Help me understand._

_Syed: ...but I have to do this Christian. I'll never forgive myself otherwise._

Syed closed his eyes as the images of his mother, trapped, flashed through his mind. Images of what might happen to her again, and, worse still, images of what might happen to Christian.

_Christian: Why wont you just tell me why you're doing this Sy?_

_Syed: The less you know, the better._

_Christian: Meaning?_

_Syed: Meaning that if I told you, you'd find some way to convince me that none of it would matter. And I'm scared of that._

_Christian: What wouldn't matter?_

Syed felt his tongue loosen already and his words started spilling from his mouth before he could stop them.

_Syed: That what could happen to you wouldn't matter._

_Christian: Me? What's going to happen to me?_

_Syed: That's just it. I have no idea._

_Christian: But..._

_Syed: They'd blame you. Everyone would blame you._

_Christian: I don't care what people around here think Sy, you know me. They can say what they like!_

_Syed: I'm not on about them._

Christian looked at him puzzled and then sympathetically as realisation set in.

_Christian: The Mosque._

Syed nodded.

_Syed: You'd be blamed. For everything. For turning me. For tempting me to the point where I couldn't say no. For brainwashing me or whatever else they can think of.  
_

_Christian: That's it? Sy, That's nothing compared to some of the things I've been called. I don t listen any more, I don't pay attention.  
_

Syed couldn't look at him.

_Christian: That's not it is it? What aren't you telling me?  
_

_Syed: I have to go.  
_

_Christian: Syed answer me!  
_

_Syed: They could hurt you!  
_

Christian looked at the tears in his eyes and knew that hurt wasn't the word he was thinking.

_Christian: We could just leave. No one need know. We could just leave tonight and never come back here. Change our names, change everything so no one could find us._

_Syed: And you'd do that would you? You cut everyone out of your life? Your parents? Roxy? Amy? Even Jane?_

_Christian: Yes. You're all I want. All I need._

_Syed: I can't do it to you. I can't rip apart everything in your life just for me. I love you too much to let that happen.  
_

_Christian: But it's my life Sy, it's my choice.  
_

_Syed: And I can't stand back and let you destroy it. I'm not worth it.  
_

_Christian: Not worth it?! Sy! How can you say you're not worth it? After everything I've been through, everything we've been through. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to admit that I'd fallen for you? How long it took me to admit it to myself?  
_

_Syed: Christian…  
_

_Christian: Watching you as you planned your wedding, knowing that you'd never be mine? If you weren't worth it then why the hell did I go through all that? Why am I going through all of this right now? Do you have any idea what you mean to me? I would die for you!  
_

_Syed: Exactly! I cant do this to you Christian! Please try and understand that it's because of how I feel about you that I can't be with you.  
_

_Christian: You're not making any sense! You have the chance to be with me but you wont, you say you want to be with me but you can't and all because you love me?!  
_

_Syed: Please Christian..._

He moved to him and tried to touch his face but Christian battered his hand away._  
_

_Christian: Don't. Don't you dare Sy. You come in here and get my hopes up and just crush them again. I'm sick of it Sy! You can't expect me to listen to all that and just let you walk away! Who the hell do you think you are?  
_

Syed stared at him. He was hurt, more hurt than he had ever been. He could see his anger in his face, his entire body stiffened from his aggravation.

_Christian: Get out.  
_

_Syed: What?  
_

_Christian: Get the hell out of my flat Sy. And don't you dare come back.  
_

_Syed: But…  
_

_Christian: GET OUT!_


	29. Chapter 29

**The majority of this chapter was written by ChryedLover (or CC!) who helped me overcome a huge mental block for this fic!!! So thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! This one's yours!!!  
**

* * *

Slamming the door shut behind him he walked into the cold night air without noticing the bitterness of the wind as it stung his face. Christian's last words to him played over and over in his mind. 'Get out, and don't you dare come back.' And he'd meant it. The anger in his face was something Syed had never seen before. It was more than just disappointment, more than resentment. It was pure hatred in his eyes when he'd told him. The deepest kind of hate there was.

Syed made his away across the Square not caring who saw his tears as he re-lived the moment Christian's face fell, the moment he'd pulled back the happiness he'd just given him. That was the moment he saw his heart break in his eyes and it was wrong, it was all wrong. It wasn't meant to be like this. He'd waited so long to hear those words, the words his father had spoken to him. He always thought that once they realised how he felt for him he would be able to live his life the way he wanted to. He'd be able to be with him. But instead he'd ruined everything. Again. And now here he was, walking aimlessly through the square when he should be with Christian, holding him in his arms.

He walked to the gardens and sat on the bench, unsurprised that he wasn't crying because he simply had no more tears left. It was over. All gone. Just like that. What was he going to do without Christian in his life? What kind of life would it be without him? He shuddered at the thought and rose from the seat. This was his choice and now he had to live with it. Even if he knew deep down it was the wrong one.

* * *

Masood quietly closed the front door behind him but it was no use, Zainab had heard him come in and rushed to meet him in the hallway.

_Zainab: Where have you been?_

_Masood: Where's Amira?_

He glanced up the stairs as though the sound of her name would entice her from the room.

_Zainab: She left for the unit about 10 minutes ago. Where have you been?  
_

_Masood: Out.  
_

_Zainab: I know you've been out Masood. Don't toy with me, tell me where you've been._

She looked at him in hope, here eyes searched his for the faintest glimmer that he had managed to talk their son around.

_Masood: I went to and find Syed.  
_

_Zainab: And?  
_

_Masood: And I found him.  
_

_Zainab: And?  
_

_Masood: And we talked._

He could see her frustration from his vague answers but he couldn't help it. He needed her to say the words herself, to face up to the fact that their son was gay.

_Zainab: You talked? About?_

_Masood: Everything._

_Zainab: Oh Masood will you stop being so stubborn and tell me! Tell me what you heard._

_Masood: Enough. Enough for me to know that I've been right about them for the past few months_.

Zainab opened her mouth but he cut across her.

_Masood: I gave him a choice.  
_

_Zainab: You gave him a choice? What kind of choice?_

He walked towards her and took her face lovingly in his hands and instantly felt her melt from his touch. He knew the effect he still had on her, even after all these years and he needed to use that to his advantage, to get her to talk about this calmly and rationally.

_Masood: Zee, please. This has been eating him up inside for so long. He had to decide for himself.  
_

_Zainab: You knew?_

Masood nodded gently

_Zainab: You knew and you never told me?! Why Mas? Why?  
_

_Masood: Because I wasn't sure and I needed to speak to Syed about it first. I needed to hear it from him.  
_

_Zainab: You should have come to me! You should have spoken to me!_

She dropped her eyes to avert his gaze.

_Masood: Why? I already know what you're going to say.  
_

_Zainab: How can you already know?  
_

_Masood: Zee..._

Zainab looked up and saw he was right, he always knew what she was thinking. Always.

_Masood: If we've been married for 20 years and if I don't know this much about you, then what does that say about me as your husband eh? I know that you would want Syed to stay with Amira, try and make his marriage work._

_Zainab: Is – is that what he told you?  
_

_Masood: No,_

_Zaninab: Then..._

Slowly, Syed closed the front door behind him.

_Masood: He told me about how much Christian means to him, how he feels for him. How much he loves him. He opened up to me and I let him. I let him tell me everything he's been desperate to tell me for so long. He loves him Zee, he really loves him._

Realisation dawned on Zainab's face as she looked towards her husband.

_Zainab: Masood, when you – when you say that you gave him a choice… please don't tell me you gave him the choice that I think you gave to him._

Masood looked at her knowingly. He didn't need to speak the words just as much as she didn't need to hear them. She knew.

_Zainab: No. Please Mas. Tell me you didn't.._.

Masood didn't speak as she batted his hands from her face and took a step back from him.

_Zainab: No! How could you?  
_

_Masood: He's our son, I had to do something!  
_

_Zainab: Why couldn't you leave well enough alone!  
_

_Masood: He's heartbroken Zee and he's hurting! It was physically hurting him and I couldn't force him back to Amira. He's a grown man, he can't hide behind us forever. He needs to start living his own life_.

Zainab's voice was deadly quiet as she spoke through gritted teeth.

_Zainab: Who did he choose?  
_

_Masood: Do you even need to ask?_

_Zainab: Tell me._

_Masood: Christian. He chose Christian._

_Zainab: NO!!!_

Her screams pierced the air as tears began running down her face. She clutched her stomach as she felt her heart plummet to it's bottom. She had just lost her son.

_Zainab: You do realise that you've just told him that it's OKAY to be gay! Mas, do you have any idea the amount of trouble you've caused? Do you know what its going to be like when the whole community finds out? The Mosque? And what about everyone back home in Pakistan? They're going say that it's our fault and that this is kismet and its coming back on us from all those years ago.  
_

_Masood: It won't be like that Zee! We can deal with all of them. We can deal with everything they throw at us.  
_

_Zainab: I wouldn't be so sure about that.  
_

_Masood: Sorry?  
_

_Zainab: What about Allah? Eh? What about our GOD? Being homosexual is AGAINST OUR RELIGION! It's against everything we have ever taught our children! It goes against EVERYTHING we believe and you, you think it's FINE?! How could you do this?_

Masood didn't answer instead sat down on the couch.

_Zainab: ANSWER ME!! MAS ANSWER ME!!!  
_

_Masood: I can't._

His voice was quiet and reserved.

_Zainab: Exactly YOU CAN'T! Because this is WRONG, IMMORAL and you've PUSHED our son into the devil's path! You've allowed him to sell his soul to the devil!  
_

_Masood: Stop it Zee, stop right there.  
_

_Zainab: Tell me I'm wrong then. Tell me I'm wrong Mas._

He didn't answer her.

_Zainab: You can't can you because you know I'm right and you know this better than anyone.  
_

_Masood: Syed is our son! We've lost him before and I saw the way it affected you! You think I didn't hear you, crying into your pillow every night? The way you put on that brave act day after day? I saw you Zee, I saw you wipe your eyes everytime someone mentioned his name. I saw you jump everytime the phone rang or there was a knock at the door, hope in your eyes. And I saw you crumble everytime you realised it wasn't him. I did what I did because I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOSE HIM AGAIN!  
_

_Zainab: Mas, I…  
_

_Masood: No Zee! I did this because of you! The first time he left home was because of me! I was the one who threw him out because he stole from us, his own flesh and blood. But this... This is love Zee and I can't throw him out again, not over something like LOVE. He's helpless to his feelings, helpless to himself._

Masood walked up to his wife.

_Masood: It killed me to do it last time but I had no choice. He disrespected us. His own parents.  
_

_Zainab: Yet you've allowed him to disrespect Allah.  
_

_Masood: Wouldn't you rather that we let him be happy and maybe this time we can keep him with us? Zee, Syed is gay..  
_

_Zainab: Can you please stop saying that disgusting word?  
_

_Masood: You need to accept it!  
_

_Zainab: I can't! How can I accept that he's..._

Zainab looked up at her husband, her face worried him slightly.

_Masood: Zee?_

_Zainab: You know, I can't understand how you're so understanding all of a sudden. I mean you've known for all of 2 minutes and yet …_

He sighed before he spoke.

_Masood: I've always known.  
_

_Zainab: What?  
_

_Masood: I've always known Syed is gay. Well, I guessed.  
_

_Zainab: I'm sorry Mas – but are you telling me that you've always thought our son was gay? And you never bothered to mention it to me?!  
_

_Masood: Oh and I can imagine how that conversation would have gone! Think back Zee, think back to when he was younger. The signs were all there. I'd always had my suspicions but then he always had so many girls after him so I found it hard to believe. But when I overheard you today everything slipped into place for me. It was like the final piece of jigsaw that I'd be waiting for.  
_

_Zainab: Meaning?  
_

_Masood: Haven't you seen him with Christian? Looking back at everytime they were together, it all fits. At Denise's wedding, they were standing too close, looking at each other for too long, smiling too much.  
_

_Zainab: Why didn't you say anything?  
_

_Masood: Would you have believed me?  
_

Zainab's voice was barely a whisper.

_Zainab: No.  
_

_Masood: Exactly. Zee please, please look at me. I know this is heartbreaking for you but it is for me as well. This is our son and I know he'll always be our baby in our eyes but he's a grown man 's nothing we can do but let him be who he is._

_Zainab: Is he going to come home? Because if he really has chosen him, then he won't be welcome in my house anymore.  
_

_Masood: How can you say that about your own son? Because if you throw him out again, he'll never come back home Zee. Never.  
_

_Zainab: What am I supposed to do Mas? Being a mother is the most rewarding yet most difficult job ever. I might be his mother but I'm also a slave to Allah. I don't want to have to choose between the child I bought into this world and the God who created me? How can I be forced to choose?  
_

_Masood: You don't have to choose. Syed knows the consequences and knows the way Islam works. If he still chooses Christian, then he's not going to do it a whim.  
_

_Zainab: He has chosen him though?  
_

_Masood: Yes.  
_

_Zainab: And you've told him that you approve?! Well, do you Mas? Is that what you're really saying?_

_Masood: I'm saying that he is my son and I will be there for him, whatever he decides._

_Zainab: And when people find out, what will you say to them Mas? Will you stand proudly and tell them how your son is living with another man, sleeping with another man?_

_Syed: He won't have to._

The room fell deathly silent as they both turned to face the fragile looking man that stood in the doorway.

Zainab: Syed?

_Syed: It's over. Me and Christian. It's over. I've chosen Amira.  
_

_Masood: But...you said you wanted to talk to Christian?  
_

_Syed: I did. I told him that it was over, that it should never have started in the first place and he should forget ridiculous fantasies of us being together.  
_

_Masood: You told me that you loved him.  
_

_Syed: Yeah well I love my family more.  
_

_Masood: And what about being gay?  
_

_Zainab: Mas, shut up!  
_

_Syed: Sorry?  
_

_Masood: You're still gay though_.

Syed sighed and turned to his mother as he avoided the question.

_Syed: I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.  
_

_Masood: So what? That's it? We just move on? Forget it ever happened?  
_

_Zainab: Why not?!  
_

_Syed: We can try can't we? Look, I'm so sorry for all the problems I've caused mum. I really am. I promise you that from now on...  
_

_Zainab: Shh, its fine Pappoo. Come here!_

As Syed embraced his mum he could feel his father's eyes burning in his back.

_Masood: How did he take it?  
_

_Syed: What do you mean?  
_

_Masood: How did he take it? How hurt is he?_

_Syed: He'll get over it._

_Masood: And you?_

_Syed: Me? I'm fine.  
_

_Masood: And is he going to tell anyone? About what happened?_

Syed shook his head.

_Syed: He's going to keep it between us._

Zainab pulled him closer into his arms. He could feel her relief in her arms, feel the weight of the world that had suddenly been lifted from her shoulders.

_Zainab: Now, you need to focus on Amira and the marriage and keep praying to God. You're father didn't know what he was talking about earlier but I am so proud of you for making the right choice _

_Syed. So proud  
_

_Masood: Looks like we had nothing to worry about after all.  
_

_Zainab: I know._

Her smile brightened the room instantly but Syed still avoided his father's eyes. He could feel them burning into him.

_Masood: I'd better get back to work._

_Zainab:Mas? I'm sorry. For everything. Everything I just said...  
_

_Masood: Its fine Zee. Me and you, we're a team.  
_

_Zainab: I know. Oh God, I feel like I'm going to cry now. Erm, tell you what I'll make you some Aloo Ghobi because that's your favourite Syed and we can all watch a movie tonight or something. Spend some time as a family, no?_

_Syed: Sounds good to me._

_Zainab: Mas?_

Masood smiled at his wife without looking at his son. Something just didn't sound right.

_Masood: Why not. I'll be home in time for dinner_.

Masood kissed Zainab just before he left the room, his eyes seeking Syed's but failing to meet them.

_Zainab: I've got to go to the Unit but I'll cook over there and bring it back. Are you going to OK?  
_

_Syed: I'm not diseased mum. I'll be fine. Where's Amira?_

_Zainab: She's at the unit._

_Syed: I'd better go and see her._

_Zainab: No. You need to go to bed. I mean look at you! You're worn out! I'll tell her you've not been feeling well. You've been working so hard lately Syed, you need to rest. But not too long alright, I want you awake for when Amira comes home.  
_

_Syed: Of course._

Syed followed his mum to the door, finally allowing his smile to drop as she walked in front of him. As she opened the door, she turned towards him and smiled at him again.

_Zainab: I'm so proud of you, do you know that?  
_

_Syed: I think I do.  
_

_Zainab: You're father was right to trust you. We've bought you up well regardless of everything._

She gently stoked his cheek as she spoke.

_Syed: Please mum, you're only going to start crying.  
_

_Zainab: Sorry, must be the hormones playing up again. Remember, give it time and it will all fade to nothing._

Zainab quickly kissed Syed's cheek before closing the door behind her not noticing the way his face changed at her words. As he walked towards the stairs he collapsed as soon as he took one step up them, the tears escaping him of their own accord. His heart was so consumed by sadness that he couldn't remember a single happy memory from his entire existence. Deep within himself, he knew that he had to continue living this lie. He'd been given his chance, his chance to be the man he truly was. The chance to be with his soul mate and he'd lost it and this time he knew it was forever.

The first thought that entered his mind was to leave. Running away seemed the only option for him because if he couldn't have Christian in his life then he no longer wanted his life. He could start afresh, somewhere no one knew him, knew nothing about him or what he had done. It would be better than being in a fake marriage. But then he'd heard the entire conversation with his parents. He'd heard about his mother's fear for him, his father's true thoughts on why he did what he did and he knew then that he couldn't leave them. They had done so much for him and he had put them through hell and back. He owed it to them more than anyone. No life without Christian was worth living, and now he knew that he had the chance to keep his family, he'd be mad to lose them as well. After all, it made no difference if he was in a flat in Shropshire or with his parents. He'd lost his true love and he would never get him back.


	30. Chapter 30

Syed's eyes flickered as his dream slowly dissolved into nothing. His mind tried desperately to hold on to his smiling face as it began to fade while the sounds around him grew louder. His eyes screwed shut tightly and his ears blocked out the sounds of the world around him but it was no use. Slowly, the glorious figure of the man he adored slipped away until he was gone. Again.

_Zainab: Syed? Time to wake up Pappoo. Dinners ready._

Syed opened his eyes slowly and saw his mother looking down at him in the darkness, the faint glow from the street light outside shone in her smiling eyes.

_Zainab: You've been restless._

Her hand gently brushed his hair from his eyes and she looked at him properly for the first time since the morning of his wedding. His beautiful, angelic face showed the lines of a man who had dealt with too much in a short space of time. His tired eyes bore dark circles, his skin seemed sallow and he was much thinner than she remembered him being. The stress of the past few months had taken it's toll on him and she never even noticed. How could she have not seen what this had been doing to him? Had being so determined to block out what he'd told her, what he'd done with that man meant that she'd blocked out her own son as well. She realised that although she'd seen looked at him for these past two months she'd never actually seen him. She'd missed the lonely, almost fragile being he'd become.

_Syed: Have I?_

He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, seeing his face again the instant his eyelids closed, feeling his heart spilt in two as two beautiful green eyes gazed back at him.

_Zainab: Mmm. And you were talking._

_Syed: Talking?_

Hoping his face was calm, quizzical even, Syed felt his broken heart hammering in his chest. His dream had been of Christian and nothing else. His sub-conscience had decided to replay every tender moment they had shared to him in his sleep. Every word, every touch, every kiss had been joyously re-lived as his slumber allowed him to forget his reality and the life that was patiently waiting for him when he awoke.

_Syed: What did I say?_

Zainab smiled as she took his hand in hers, his skin just as soft as when he was a baby.

_Zainab: Nothing really. It was all nonsense. You didn't make a lot of sense. Are you hungry?_

_Syed: Yeah, I am actually._

Syed felt the pains in his stomach and realised that he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten, not properly anyway. Food seemed so unimportant when everything else in his life was falling apart.

_Zainab: Well get dressed and come downstairs. I think I've made enough food to feed the square!_

She laughed at her own joke as she got up and made her way towards the door, resisting her urge to tell him once more of how proud she was of him.

_Syed: Mum?_

Zainab turned and smiled at him. His face spoke the words she didn't need to hear, didn't want to hear. As obvious as it was that he needed to say to her what he was really feeling she just couldn't bear to hear it, couldn't bear to hear him speak his name anymore.

_Zainab: Don't be long Pappoo. Your fathers famished! And Amira's been waiting for you to wake up. Honestly, that girl has no patience whatsoever!_

Syed smiled his understanding to her as she closed the door behind her. This is how it will be from now on he thought. It would never be mentioned again, never be thought of. Everything would be forgotten. Christian would be forgotten, erased from their minds, their lives. But never my heart Syed thought. There he would stay for an eternity.

* * *

Zainab leaned back against the closed door and held her breath to stop her emotions getting the better of her. She had sat on his bed for just a few minutes before he began his dreamy mumblings. At first she'd smiled at how she'd never noticed that he spoke in his sleep before and realised that so much had changed. He wasn't her baby anymore, he wasn't her little boy. He wouldn't come to her, crying when he fell from his bike and grazed his knee. He didn't need her to wipe his tears anymore. He was a man now and he'd made so many mistakes. So many feeble and illogical mistakes that, thankfully, had been cancelled out by his decisions. The right decisions she reminded herself. She knew what was best for him, what he really wanted and he would thank her one day. But when she began to reach out to gently wake him from his sleep she felt her stomach drop as he muttered his name. He spoke it with such sincere pain that Zainab felt a lump rise in her throat and, for a split second, she sympathised with him, felt her heart break along with his as she saw her eldest son in pain. More words followed, each pushing the knife deeper into her heart, almost mocking her as she watched him sleep. '_Please_' '_sorry_' '_have to_' and the worst of all '_it'll always be you_'.

Stepping away from the door she tried her hardest to push the mental image of her son crying into his pillow from her mind, erase the words she heard him sob distressingly as his tears fell from his dormant eyes. He had made his own choice and it was the right one. Now he just needed time. No matter what he had told her earlier, she knew the truth. She knew that, if the circumstances were different, her son would be with him now. His decision to stay true to his family and his faith was a difficult one, she knew that better than anyone. But he had chosen well. His tears would dry and his lips would silence, she was sure of that. But his heart was his broken and, although she refused to think it, Zainab knew that there was only one way to mend a broken heart.

* * *

**March**

**Syed**  
3 weeks had passed. 3 long unbearable weeks since he had last laid eyes on him, last heard his voice. There had been no contact between them whatsoever and apart from his hurried walk to and from work, Syed never left the house. He couldn't bare the thought of seeing him, not because he didn't want to. He wanted more than anything to see if he truly was as perfect as he remembered. He needed reassuring that he hadn't dreamt up this perfect being in his head. That the past 9 months had actually happened. To know that he existed in the world as well as in his dreams. But he knew that if he saw him again he'd crumble. One look from him was enough to melt his heart and he desperately needed to keep strong, for Christian's sake more than his own. It was because he was to afraid of what he would see that he avoided the world. That look Christian had given him just before he left his flat was imprinted in his mind. Every time he closed his eyes he saw him, saw the pain in his eyes, the anger in his face and the resentment that Syed had chosen him but, once again, left him as his heart broke in front of him. To see that look in the flesh again was too much.

**Christian**  
Empty. The only word he could think of to describe how he felt was empty. There was nothing anymore. No love, no happiness, no nothing. Just emptiness. Syed was gone and this time he wasn't coming back. His hollow heart beat alone in his chest knowing that it's owner would never let it beat for it's soul mate again. As soon as Syed had closed the door behind him Christian had made the split decision that he swore to himself that he'd keep. He would never again let him into his life, never let himself be so weak again. How could he put himself through this time and time again? He always knew in the bottom of his heart that there would never be a happy ending. There never had been for him so why should this time been any different? Never again would he let anyone in. From now on he'd close himself up, replace the wall around his heart that Syed had broken down. He was never letting anyone in again. Ever. The pain, this pain he was still feeling, it just wasn't worth it. Was it?

* * *

**April**

Christian closed the door behind him. Work was the last thing he needed but he needed to restore some kind of normality in his life. Syed haunted him every night in his restless sleep. His eyes would close and instantly his face appeared. His happy smiling face laying on his bed, his smile curled and his eyes dancing at him. Christian had barely slept for the first week and his face bore the signs of his insomnia. But nothing he did could move him from his mind. Every second that passed only intensified his need for him. He still missed him desperately and nothing anyone said could shake him from the physical mess he'd turned into. His body ached to be near him again. His mind begged him to find him, just to hear his voice and his heart? His heart didn't feel like his anymore. He would lay in bed at night as the darkness engulfed his body, swallowed him up and stole him away from the world as he lost himself to his memories. It was the only time he smiled these days. Those nights when he felt himself weaken and let his subconscious show him what was in his heart were all that kept him going. Knowing that Syed had loved him somehow gave him the strength to get through the following day.

He smiled as he made his way towards the Vic, the image of Syed standing in his kitchen all those months ago wearing nothing but his boxers and his hand running through his hair, trying his hardest to tame his wild locks. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice the person walking towards him until it was to late. She walked towards him, her eyes locked firmly on his. His entire body struggled against its need to collapse as the smug smile she was wearing said everything that needed to be said but he knew that wouldn't stop her verbally hurting him. He tried to avert her gaze but it was no use. She'd been waiting for this meeting for weeks.

_Zainab: Looks like you lost._

Her delight almost poured from her as she slowed her pace, just enough to see his face crumble. Christian knew he should walk away, ignore her, he was so much better than stooping to her level but he just couldn't help himself.

_Christian: How's Syed? Tell him I said hi won't you?._

He began to walk away but she grabbed his arm and held her grasp tighter than he'd expected.

_Zainab: I told you before. You come near him again and I'll rip you to pieces._

Christian slowly turned to face her, his eyes narrowing as he spoke through gritted teeth.

_Christian: There's just one problem though Zee. You seem to be forgetting that it's Syed that comes to me. Not the other way around._

_Zainab: You will stay away from him. He's made his choice Christian and you lost. Now get over it._

He looked at her in disbelief. What had he told her? And then it hit him. Syed had lied to her. He'd told her that he had decided to stay with Amira. Once again he'd lied to his mother. Told her what she wanted to hear just to keep her happy. Or had he lied to him?

_Christian: You've got nothing to worry about then have you?_

He shook his arm from her grasp and walked away, his bottom lip shook slightly but he refused to give in to his emotions. He didn't cry over Syed anymore

* * *

He was OK. Normal even. To look at him no one would ever think that he'd been dragged to the end of his emotional tether and back so many times. Syed stood out of sight in the square and watched him as he walked towards the Vic and felt his heart come alive again. It had stayed dormant inside him for so long that it simply beat from necessity these days. It kept it's slow rhythm steady but he missed the way it raced when he saw him, heard his rugged voice. Even the mention of his name was enough for it to pound so quickly inside inside him. But no one spoke his name anymore.

_Masood: Do you miss him?_

Syed jumped. He hadn't heard his father walk up behind him.

_Syed: Dad! You frightened me._

_Masood: Do you?_

Syed turned back and saw his mother walking towards Christian and he sighed as their faces fell in unison as she approached him.

_Syed: Why can't she just leave him alone dad?_

_Masood: Well that's your mother for you Syed. She thinks she knows what's best for everyone, you know that. You didn't answer my question._

Sighing heavily Syed turned to face his father.

_Syed: Does it matter? I'm moving on. And this isn't helping dad._

_Masood: What?_

_Syed: This. You. I see you looking at me as though your trying to read my mind. As though you're waiting for me to crack. How can I move on when you're always trying to..._

_Masood:. What? Talk about it? Maybe I'm just trying to help you Syed have you thought about that? You don't just fall out of love with someone. It doesn't just stop. You need some sort of closure._

_Syed: What I need is to stop being reminded of him. I'm fine dad I promise. I've dealt with it._

_Masood: OK, fine. I'll stop. I'll never ask you about him or anything to do with him. I'll never ask what happened or what you really told him because I know you Syed. You would have chosen him, I know you would have._

_Syed: Dad..._

_Masood: I'll never mention him again._

_Syed: Thank you._

Syed looked away as he left his father standing in the square.

_Masood: I'll ask Christian instead._


	31. Chapter 31

He kept his head low as he walked home. His confrontation with Zainab earlier had shaken him more than he'd expected. Her bitterness, her pure hatred of him hadn't faltered one bit. If anything it was stronger now than it had ever been. And all he had done was love her son. All he had tried to do was make him happy, love him so unconditionally that he would never have hurt him, would never leave him. Isn't that what every mother wanted for their child? For them to be happy? For them to find someone who felt the deepest kind of love for them? To respect them, treat them with kindness, be the only person that mattered to them? She knew how he felt for Syed, any fool who opened their eyes wide enough could see what he meant to him. Even Lucy, as immature and selfish as she was saw what he meant to him. She could see how Christian was struggling without him. How he cried himself into a state over him everyday because she was the only one who wouldn't leave him alone. Everyday she would call over or phone and despite his protests she never left him alone. Jane, Andy, even Roxy tried their hardest to coax him away from his flat but it was Lucy who knew that he needed to stay there, vent all his anger and hurt away from prying eyes. He'd never told her but he was so grateful. And he knew that she'd stay away from Syed. Seeing her uncle that first morning after he'd ended it had upset her but she swore to him that she wouldn't say a word to him or anyone and he believed her. And so far she had kept her promise.

He walked in to his flat and closed the door behind him, shedding his clothes instantly to rid himself of the smell of stale alcohol. He enjoyed working in the pub, enjoyed the banter and the way it took his mind off Syed every now and then. But the second he left he could smell the alcohol on him and he was taken back to his former life. The late nights in the dodgy clubs, the one night stands that had always seemed like a good idea at the time. He had changed so much since then and for the better. He'd grown up, grown to love. Looking back it seemed like he was looking in on someone else's life. He couldn't believe how incredibly stupid he had been. Thinking he actually enjoyed that life, that he enjoyed the mindless way he lived his life. How foolish was he? Everything that had happened to him before Syed had come along, every man he had ever convinced himself he felt something for, was nothing. He couldn't even remember the names of some if them. But Syed? Syed had changed all that. He'd broken down his barriers, pushed him until he felt what his heart had been begging him to feel all these years.

He laughed as he realised that the conversation in his head had, once again, turned to Syed. It always did these days. Even if he was just deciding what to have for his breakfast, Syed would somehow steal his thoughts.

Deciding against getting dressed he walked towards the bathroom. A shower always made him unwind. He had barely turned the door handle when his mobile rang from the other side of the room. Turning back to pick it up he sighed as Andy's name flashed on the screen.

_Christian: Hey. Listen can I ring you back. I'm just about to jump in the shower._

_Andy: No need. I'll be over in a bit._

_Christian: Uh, why?_

_Andy: To keep you company._

Christian sighed. The last thing he needed right now was to sit and make polite small talk.

_Christian: And, listen. I'm not really in the mood._

_Andy: Tough. Red or white?_

_Christian: Please? I just... I'm just tired. I'm going for an early night._

_Andy: The wine will help you nod off then won't it. Come on Christian, I feel like I haven't seen you for weeks. I know what you said, you're not interested. I get that, I really do. But we're still mates aren't we?_

_Christian: Of course we are._

His voice was unconvincing but he had to say it. It wasn't so much a question. More a statement he was making that needed a reply. Why couldn't he just get the message? He'd told him over and over that he wasn't interested but he just coming back for more as 'friends'. Christian had enough friends, the last thing he needed was another one.

_Andy: So? Red or white?_

Christian knew there was no point in arguing anymore, he'd only turn up on his doorstep anyway, no matter what he told him.

_Christian: Surprise me._

_Andy: See you in a bit._

He threw his phone on the chair a lot harder than he should have. Sometimes he wished he could just move away. Block out everyone and everything from his mind. Start a fresh. He'd thought he'd done that when he moved to Walford but the truth was he'd screwed up his life more since he'd been here than ever before. If he was to list every disaster that had happened to him since he'd moved to the square he knew it would be endless. And the top of that list would be falling for a closeted engaged, now married, Muslim.

* * *

He ran the water and closed his eyes as the drops slowly washed away everything from his mind. The droplets fell onto his back and slowly kneaded out his tension as they ran down his tense body. Bloody Zainab he thought. Bloody Syed. He hated the way he was feeling, it was all still so new to him and to think he had actually convinced himself that he had been in love before now was laughable. All those other times were nothing compared to this. Ashley, even David, nothing he felt for them came close to Syed. He had forgotten about them in weeks, days even. So why couldn't he be the same with Syed? Why, when he knew there could be no happy ending did he let himself fall for him so hard? He could have blocked his heart out, treated it as sex and nothing more. He'd done it so many times before, why should now be any different? Why should he be different? But he'd always known. Even from that first kiss he could feel himself falling for him. Thinking back as the water splashed over him, he tried to pin-point the exact moment that he'd realised. That pivotal moment when his subconscious realised that it wasn't just sex anymore. When did he realise that he needed him rather than wanted him? When did it hit him that he missed his company rather than just his body?

There was only one instance that sprung to mind, one occasion that stood out a mile now he thought about it. It was the day Syed had called him Superman, their first night together from dusk till dawn. Christian remembered feeling so fragile, so alone. But he had come to him, helped him. Rescued him. He'd saved him from wallowing in what had happened and showed him that he cared for him. That's when Christian fell for him. That's when he first fell in love.

The soap turned into a lather on his body as he remembered that night. They had sat and talked for hours about everything and nothing. Syed trying to steer the conversation away from what Christian had gone through but neither feeling the need to make conversation. Simply to be in each other's company seemed enough. The occasional silence wasn't awkward. Neither felt the need to fill it with pointless words or actions. They could look at each other in complete comfort as the subdued hush settled around them.

Instantly Christian's lust for him throbbed and stung as the hot water splashed on his cock, reminding him of his surroundings and his loneliness. As hard as he tried to rid his face from his mind it proved impossible. It had been so long since he'd slept with him, so long since he'd even pleasured himself that he dropped his hands and slowly stroked himself. The relief he felt was surreal. It was nothing compared to Syed, how it felt to be in him, to have him inside of him, but his arousal was welcomed. It had been to long.

His hand began its slow ascent up his cock as the loudest sigh of relief left him. He felt himself harden in his hand as his mind wandered back to that night. He remembered how happy he felt knowing what Syed was risking to stay with him that night. How he felt knowing he must have meant something to him.

His hand lightly moved up his firm shaft as his memory replayed every blissful second of that night. How Syed had spontaneously taken his hand and led him to the bed. How he slowly stripped him of his clothes, his hands running over his body as he did so. He remembered how his lips tasted on his. The sweetness of his kiss was always Christian's weakness. To feel his full lips brush against his had weakened him in a way no one else ever had. As his hand slowly moved up and down his shaft he felt his orgasm seeping from his tip already and slowed the pace. He remembered what it felt like to have his naked body pressed against his as their hips moved in unison together. He could feel the wetness of his mouth as he wrapped it around his cock, felt his tip crash into the back of his throat as he thrust his mouth over him, taking in as much as he possibly could. He remembered how it felt to have his wet mouth envelope his cock. How his tongue flicked against his opening, licked it's way up his shaft, swirled itself around the top.

His hand glided faster, his pace quickening with every second that passed while Syed filled his head. He felt his knees tremble and reached out to steady himself, his left hand pushing against the wall as his his right continued its frenzied tugging.

_Christian: Oh Sy!_

The speed of his hand quickened as he thought back to that glorious night. He remembered so much that his mind paced itself as it ran through every intricate detail. Every touch, every kiss, every breath they took was replayed in his mind. He looked on as his hands clutched Syed's hips, driving himself deeper into him with each thrust. That glorious sensation that ran through his body that only Syed could give him. He heard his voice calling his name, smiling from the way his name sounded on his lips. He was begging him to go harder, faster, deeper. He missed his voice so much.

_Christian: Not yet!_

The water dripping on his hands, moistening the feel as it slid over his cock made it all seem so real and he felt his orgasm shot through his body and begin it's up inside his cock. He tried to slow his hand down but it had a mind of it's own and wouldn't stop. It wouldn't listen to what his mind was telling him. This pleasure was to phenomenal to let go.

_Christian: Not yet. Please not yet._

His nails dug into the wall as his mind played back. He saw himself looking down on his own cock driving deep into him as Syed fucked himself. His hand moving as quickly as Christian's.

_Christian: Fuck!_

His head shot back as his cock burst while he screamed his name as loudly as he could. He felt it leave him as he continued to tug himself hard, almost screaming as he continued to come.

* * *

Slowly he slid down the wall, the water still pouring over him, and he smiled. He knew he shouldn't, that he should be angry with himself for thinking of him again, for doing that while he was thinking of him but he couldn't help it. Sex with Sy, even when it was just in his head, was the best he had ever had.

He stepped out of the shower and heard his doorbell ringing. Bloody hell Andy, he thought. He made his way to the door still dripping wet and lifted the receiver.

_Christian: Yeah?_

His voice was blasé. He really wasn't in the mood for any company and couldn't really be bothered to hide it.

_Masood: Christian? Can I come up_

_Christian: Mas? Um..._

_Masood: I think we need to talk, don't you._

He racked his brains for something to say, some words that would get rid of him. He hadn't spoken a word to Masood since he'd found out and he was hoping to keep it that way for a bit longer.

_Christian: I've...um...I've just come out of the shower. Could you come back later?_

_Masood: When you can pretend you're not in? Come on Christian, please. There are things I need to hear, things you need to hear. Please._

Without thinking of the repercussions Christian pushed the button that opened the door and walked back into the bathroom and wrapped himself in a towel. He heard the door close behind him and braced himself for whatever was about to happen.

_Christian: I'm just going to put some clothes on._

He didn't look at him as he made his way from the bathroom to the spare room, his clothes in his hands.

_Masood: What really happened?_

Christian stopped.

_Masood: I know he's lying to us. I know he chose you._

_Christian: Please Mas, just let me get dressed._


	32. Chapter 32

Taking a deep breath as he opened the door Christian walked out to find Masood sitting comfortably on his sofa watching TV. The slightly surreal sight puzzled him slightly. It was like he was looking at Syed 20 years from now. Or at least the Syed who would have been there if he had been true to himself.

He walked towards him, not really knowing what to do or say. His nerves frightened him. Masood knew everything but he seemed so calm, so nonchalant by the situation that Christian felt uneasy

_Christian: Tea?_

_Masood: Hmm? Oh no thanks._

He turned back around and studied the TV.

_Christian: Mas? What are you watching._

_Masood: Hmm? Oh sorry! Seahorses._

_Christian: Seahorses?_

_Masood: Yeah._

Christian looked at the TV and the nature program Masood was watching.

_Christian: Right._

_Masood: Did you know they find their mate and are never parted from them. Ever. They spend their entire lives together. Can you imagine that?!_

Oh no, he was going down that route was he? Christian didn't think he could stand a lecture, not now.

_Masood: I mean, I love Zee more than anything. But 24 hrs a day 7 days a week? That's a bit much don't you think?!_

_Christian: Zainab can't stand to be in the same country as me at the moment Mas. Somehow I doubt we'd last 24/7._

_Masood: That's not true. She's hurt._

_Christian: **She's** hurt?!_

It came out a little louder than it should have but he didn't apologise. He didn't feel he could. Everytime he spoke to anyone about Syed it was always someone else's feelings that took priority and he was sick of it.

_Christian: She should try being in my shoes._

_Masood: Maybe you should try being in hers._

Christian stared at him. Surely he knew what she had said to him, every vile word that had left her mouth? Did he honestly expect him to feel sorry for her?

_Masood: Suddenly she's realised that she has no idea who her son is. That the boy she brought into this world, loved, nurtured, he's been a lie. And he's been lying to her. She thought she knew him Christian. That she could tell when he was hiding his feelings if he was upset or angry. It's hit her hard and she feels like she's raised a total stranger. Please, just try and understand that._

Christian sighed as he sat down next to him.

_Christian: I do Mas it's just..._

He let his words linger. He didn't even know what he wanted to say anymore. All he knew was that he was tired of this. Every time he tried his hardest to rid Syed from his mind something came along and stirred up those feelings inside of him again. Sometimes it felt like his subconscious just wouldn't let him go.

_Masood: Will you do something for me?_

Christian turned his head.

_Masood: Will you tell me the truth._

_Christian: The truth?_

Masood nodded, a strange look of wonder in his face.

_Masood: I've known Syed for 25 years and I could never tell when the boy was lying. But after he left you that day I knew. I knew that every word that left from his mouth was a lie. Please Christian, I need to know what he said to you._

Christian suddenly realised how uncomfortable this conversation was making him feel. He liked Mas, saw him as a friend. But he knew that if he told him what Syed had said his anger would take over and the last thing he wanted was to stand in front of Masood and bad-mouth his son.

_Christian: Look Mas, shouldn't you have this conversation with him, not me._

_Masood: He wouldn't tell me. Besides, he goes into a protective bubble around me._

_Christian: I don't even know what he told you._

_Masood: That he chose Amira._

Christian laughed as he hung his head. He really was unbelievable. Why couldn't he, just for once, tell the bloody truth?!

_Christian: Then maybe he lied to me, not you._

_Masood: What did he tell you?_

Christian rose to his feet and walked away, holding his breath as he did so. Biting his tongue had never been a strong point of his and as he felt his anger towards Syed rise inside of him he tried his hardest not to speak his mind.

_Christian: You know what Mas, it doesn't matter anymore. He's not here and that's the only thing that keeps going through my head. I've lost him and I'll never get him back._

He paced the room hoping his steps would shy away the tears. Not now he thought, not in front of him. His entire body shook from a mixture of anger and heartache.

_Masood: Christian? Are you OK?_

_Christian: I'm fine._

_Masood: Look at me_

Christian ignored him and held his breath as he spoke.

_Christian: I'm fine._

_Masood: No you're not. I know you're not._

_Christian: Do you now?_

Why was he being like this to Masood? His anger for Syed was starting to spill out to everyone. But Masood?

_Masood: Yeah I do. Come on Christian. You've barely left your flat, you avoid me if you see me walking towards you. I've seen you do it, I've seen you hide. And I can see that you're trying to fight it now._

_Christian: Yeah well I don't need reminding of him OK_

_Masood: There's no need for this you know. This bravado. It's OK to hurt._

Christian could feel his words bubbling inside him. He didn't want his sympathy, his pity. He wanted his son.

_Masood: Talk to me. Please._

Without thinking, without even considering what was about to spill from his mouth, Christian turned around and spoke.

_Christian: I'm angry OK. I'm so angry at him Mas. He turns up here turns my life upside down and just drops me._

_Masood: He thinks he's doing what's best._

_Christian: And who the hell is he to decide what's best for me? This is my life Mas, mine. He has no right to try and control it!_

_Masood: Control it?_

_Christian: Yeah control it._

_Masood: What did he tell you? Please Christian, I need to understand this. I need to know what he said._

Christian sighed heavily.

_Christian: Why are you doing this Mas? Why are you here? Are you trying to stir all this up again? Or do you just want me to hurt, all over again?_

_Masood: Christian? Is that what you think of me?_

_Christian: No. No of course not. Sorry. It's just..._

_Masood: Please. Please help me understand my son._

He looked at him with such hope in his eyes that he couldn't say no and at that exact moment he realised that Syed had inherited his father's eyes.

_Christian: He told me… he told me that he chose me…_

There, he'd said it. But as he turned to see Masood's reaction he noticed the frown on his face.

_Masood: So you turned him down?_

_Christian: Me? No!_

_Masood: Then…?_

_Christian: Just because he chose me it didn't mean he could be with me. His words, not mine._

_Masood: I don't get it._

_Christian: Yeah well, join the club._

_Masood: And did he give you a reason?_

_Christian: He was scared._

He spoke so pathetically that he realised how bitter he was sounding.

_Masood: Scared? Of what?_

_Christian: Oh Mas, please! Just go will you. Go and ask him why he's done this. Go and ask him why he's destroyed every thing he touches._

_Masood: Tell me what he's afraid of!_

_Christian: What could happen to you_

_Masood: Me? What could happen to me?_

_Christian: Not just you. Zainab, Tam… and me._

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

_Masood: Christian I'm so sorry. This is all my fault_

_Christian: Your fault? How's it your fault?_

_Masood: I told him some things. Told him to follow his heart and not his head. I told him he had to choose._

_Christian: Yeah well he has._

_Masood: Do you love him?_

_Christian: Mas, please._

_Masood: Do you?_

_Christian: I'm not really comfortable talking to you about his._

He shifted slightly in front of him, averting his gaze but Masood wasn't going to let this go.

_Masood: Christian, do you love my son?_

Christian nodded.

_Masood: And it's love? Not lust? Not some fantasy that you're trying to live?_

Christian shook his head

_Christian: No! Its real Mas. This is it. He's it. I love him._

_Masood: Then fight for him!_

_Christian: What?_

_Masood: Fight for him Christian. I've seen what this is doing to him and it's killing him. He doesn't think it can get worse but it will won't it? It'll destroy him until there's nothing left. He can't see it and he wont see it until its to late._

_Christian: So what? I just beg him?_

_Masood: No. He's going to come crashing down, you know he will and it'll be soon. He's wasting away and his mind is going into overdrive. He needs you to be there for him when he burns out._

_Christian: You're asking to me wait for him? Ha! You can't be serious!_

_Masood: I know. Look, I have no right to ask you to do this Christian but isn't he worth it?_

_Christian: That's not the point Mas! What you're talking about, it could take him years! I've seen it happen. I've seen men crumble in weeks, others takes years! You don't know when, or even if that's going to happen to him and you're asking me to put my life on hold for him? Hoping he'll cave in one day?_

_Masood: I know he's regretting it Christian. I know he wants to be with you he's just so…_

_Christian: Stubborn? Selfish?_

_Masood: Selfish? You think he's selfish?! Syed may be many things but he is not selfish. How can making himself miserable, thinking of everyone but himself make him selfish? He thinks he's doing the right thing here, that making out that he's happy and married will somehow make everyone else's lives perfect for them._

_Christian: He's thinking of everyone but me!_

_Masood: He is thinking of you! He's like Zee, he thinks he knows what's best for everyone and doesn't stop to ask them what they want. He's doing what his head is telling him to Christian, his head, not his heart.  
_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

_Christian: You know I really didn't expect you to react like this._

_Masood: Really? What did you expect?_

_Christian: I don't know really. You're so calm about it m, aren't you angry? Upset? Ashamed?_

_Masood: Do you think I should be?_

Christian shrugged his shoulders.

_Masood: It's not a surprise to me you know. I guessed years ago and after seeing you 2 together, well it was only a matter of time really wasn't it?_

_Christian: I just… I can't get my head around this Mas. why are you here? What do you want?_

_Masood: I want you to help me understand him._

_Christian: Me?_

_Masood: You're the only one who knows him Christian, do you know how hard that is for me to admit to myself? I don't know my own son._

_Christian: And what makes you think I do?_

_Masood: Because he told me you do. You're the only one he's ever been honest with in his entire life. No one knows him like you do. You know what he's thinking, what he's going to say before he says it. You know him Christian because he's yours._

_Christian: Not anymore he's not._

_Masood: You know that's not true. Syed, he's a complicated person, a bit like his mother really._

Christian looked at him with a mocking frightened look on his face. Masood laughed.

_Masood: Yeah I know, scary thought I admit but he is. He thinks he knows what's best for everyone and he doesn't stop to think to ask them. He tries to better everyone's life even if that means he ignores his own. Syed's a giver, but sometimes he gives to much. He thinks he's doing what's best for everyone, you especially._

_Christian: Oh don't you start._

_Masood: Start what?_

_Christian: I've already had the 'I'm thinking of you' speech from him. I don't need to hear it again._

_Masood: It's true. He is thinking of you. I mean I know things are different over here and yours is an entirely different situation but he doesn't want to run the risk of the same thing happening to you. He cares to much to put you at risk like that._

Christian looked at him puzzled.

_Christian: What's that supposed to mean?_

_Masood: What happened with...._

He looked at him

_Masood: You don't know do you?_

_Christian: Know what?_

Masood laughed.

_Christian: I'm sorry? Have I missed a joke here or something._

_Masood: No, no. sorry. No of course not. I just… I thought he'd tell you._

_Christian: Tell me what?_

_Masood: It's all making sense now._

_Christian: Masood, will you tell me what's going on?_

_Masood: Zee was already married when I met her._

Christian looked at him.

_Masood: We fell in love, against all odds we fell in love. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was against us. She was a married woman, I should chose someone more suitable, so many people disapproved but I didn't care, she didn't care. We had each other and that's all that mattered. Her husband on the other hand, well, He didn't take to kindly to his wife falling for another man and divorced her. He actually did us a favour you know because we were married within weeks. We had our own house, our lives were with each other and I was so happy Christian, so happy._

_Christian: Why are you telling me this Mas?_

_Masood: Because it all went wrong._

Masood turned away from him and began pacing the room.

_Masood: I was in work one day and overheard how a fire had started in a house a few streets away. I didn't think anything of it but when I hear that there was a man stood outside it, screaming at the woman trapped inside something just clicked in my head. All I could think of was Zainab. What if it was her? What if my wife was trapped inside a burning house with no escape? So I ran home and I saw him, stood outside smiling. He was actually smiling at what he'd done._

Masood went quiet.

_Christian: And?_

_Masood: He told me I was welcome to her, that if he never saw her again he'd..._

Christian saw he was struggling to keep calm, keep his emotions under control.

_Masood: I'll spare you the rest._

_Christian: What happened? To Zee?_

_Masood: I couldn't see in the house, couldn't get near the doors, the windows. I was stuck outside, completely helpless while they burned._

_Christian: They?_

_Masood: She was pregnant with Syed._

Christian was silent. He had plenty to say but somehow felt the silence was what Masood wanted.

_Masood: I just stood there and watched as my life went up in flames. My heart was in that house and I could feel it smouldering. I tried Christian, I tried so hard but everytime I got close the flames would push me back._

Christian guided him back to the sofa and sat him down, wrapping his arm round him in comfort.

_Masood: I screamed and screamed her name but heard nothing back. She was gone, they were gone and I cracked. I wailed as I realised what I'd done. How it was all my fault. If I'd have just stayed away from her, hadn't perused her, had just given up then she would be alive. Her beautiful face would still be there. I blamed myself Christian because it was all my fault._

_Christian: What happened Mas? How did she get out?_

Masood turned to face him, his eyes full but he tried to hide it.

_Masood: Um… one of the neighbours he um… he saw her through a window, sitting on the stairs holding her stomach. He shouted that she was OK, that she was alive and I saw straight for the first time. There she was, crouched on the step, sobbing and rubbing her stomach. I jumped through the window, suddenly nothing could keep me out. I felt indestructible. As soon as she saw me she fell into me. She was so fragile, so breakable and I was the only one who could save her. She kept apologising over and over. She thought it was her fault, that our baby was dying, that it was all because of her._

Christian held him tighter as his tears began to fall.

_Masood: I picked her up, carried her to the window and lowered her down to the neighbours. Most of everything else is hazy but I'll never forget her as she sat there. She needed saving, not only from the house, but from herself. She bottled up inside of her for so long how she thought she destroyed my life that it was eating her up inside. You know for a few minutes I didn't care about the baby, only about her. How awful does that sound._

_Christian: It doesn't. It doesn't sound awful, not at all._

_Masood: She doesn't remember most of it, or at least she tells me she doesn't. But some nights I catch her looking at her scars in the mirror as she fights her tears and I wonder if she regrets it. If she regrets being with me._

_Christian: Mas..._

_Masood: That's why she puts Syed on such a high pedestal. He fought for himself before he was even born. Zee had inhaled so much smoke that the Dr's called him a miracle. He shouldn't been born let alone been born healthy. They prepared us for the worst. That there could be complications, that he wouldn't make it but he did. He fought before he took his first breath. He's her miracle._

_Christian: Masood I… I don't know what to say._

_Masood: There's nothing to say. I just don't know why he never told you. It would have made you understand why he did what he did._

_Christian: It doesn't matter. Here._

He handed Masood a tissue.

Masood laughed.

_Masood: Thanks. You know we're not that different, you and me._

_Christian: I think we're very different Mas!_

He gave him a knowing look.

_Masood: Apart from that. So many things that have happened remind me of what I went through. You and I, we both fell in love with the wrong person. Zainab was married, Syed was… struggling. Both should have been off limits but it didn't stop us did it? We still fell for them, we let ourselves for them._

_Christian: There's just 1 difference between you and me Mas. you got to keep who you fell in love with. Mine wont let me. Yes he loves me, yes he wants me Mas. But he'll never be with me because he'll never let himself. He's to busy worrying about everyone else to think about us. I don't care what happens, what people will say and do. I'd take on the world for him and if I died then I'd die happy._

Masood smiled

_Masood: Have you told him this?_

_Christian: Over and over. He won't listen to me. He never has and he never will._

_Masood: This… situation. It's difficult for him_

_Christian: Situation? That's a nice way to put it._

_Masood: Christian..._

_Christian: Sorry. It's just… why wont he listen to me Mas? I've told him everything he wants to hear but it's still not enough. What he told me, it's all lies. He said it to spare my feelings. I'm not stupid. I've known from day one that he'd never choose me and its my own fault for being stupid enough to think he would. I'm not enough for him because I can't give him what he wants. I can't give him the family he wants, needs even. I cant give him the respect from the mosque. I was just a dirty little secret that went to far._

He felt his tears run as everything he said rang true in his head.

_Masood: Are you OK?_

_Christian: No! No I'm not! How the hell could I have been so stupid?! I let myself fall for him knowing I'd get hurt!_

_Masood: That's love for you._

_Christian: You don't get it. He's the only person I've ever loved. Ever. I had this idyllic thing in my head that when I finally let myself fall in love it would be forever. There'd be none of this, none of the pain, the heartache. This constant empty feeling inside of me wouldn't be there Mas. and it's all because of him._

Masood walked forward and held him just as he reached breaking point.

_Masood: Was it worth it though? To feel what you feel? Knowing that he felt the same? Was it worth it Christian? Was he worth it?_

_Christian: Of course he was worth it. But I can't do this anymore Mas. It's killing me._

_Masood: So that's it? You're just giving up?_

Christian looked at him.

_Christian: I think I already have._


	33. Chapter 33

_Andy: Who was that?_

_Christian: Masood._

_Andy: Ah, the in-law._

He strolled past Christian and into the kitchen, laughing at his own insensitive joke.

_Christian: This isn't funny Andy!_

_Andy: Hey, hey. I'm sorry OK, I'm sorry._

Turning around and seeing his face made him weak at the knees. How could any man resist him? Andy had come to the conclusion a long time ago that Syed was nothing more than 'confused'. He wasn't gay, he didn't even want to be. But he enjoyed the sex. It wasn't a crime but to use Christian the way he did? He needed to pay. He walked over to Christian and tried to hold him in his arms, show the comfort his body was almost screaming for. He longed to tell him that it would be OK, that he would help make it all go away but he knew better. He also knew that no matter what he told him about Syed, Christian would shoot him down for it. He had tricked him so well that he genuinly believed that he loved him.

_Andy: I'm sorry._

Christian looked at him and smiled softly.

_Andy: What did he want?_

_Christian: Nothing, just... Look, I'm not going to be much company tonight. Why don't you just go?_

_Andy: And leave you like this? You're shaking._

He pulled him tighter into his embrace and felt the hardness of his muscles against him. how he longed to have him in that way. Feel his hands running over his body as he held him back. He would eventually, he knew he would. But Andy also knew he'd need to play the long game before he could call Christian his own.

_Christian: I'm fine._

_Andy: No, you're not. You need me here Christian, or at least you need someone with you. I don't want you to be alone, not when you're upset._

_Christian: Don't you trust me?_

Christian laughed a little just to lighten the mood a little. He was fed up of feeling so sombre all the time but things just kept getting worse. No matter how hard he tried people simply wouldn't let him forget about Syed. First Lucy, checking up on him daily, constantly reminding him of the reason he was in the mood he was in. Roxy, oblivious as she was, baraged him with questions. 'Who was he? why did you spilt up?'. Then Zainab, Masood calling over so unexpectedly earlier had dragged everything up again. Everything that had been said that day replayed itself over and over in his mind. And he was sick of it. And now Andy?

_Andy: Of course I do. But I'm worried about you and I can't stand to see you like this. Please Christian, you can't live like this anymore. Look at you, it's destroying you. You need to get over him._

_Christian: You think I don't know that? You think I like feeling like this?_

_Andy: Hey, hey, calm down. I'm just trying to help._

_Christian: I know. I'm sorry OK. It's just..._

Andy raised his hand gently stroked his cheek feeling an instant arousal in his groin. No one had ever had this affect on him and he had no plans on letting Christian go just yet. He may say he wasn;t interested in him but he'd change his mind. He knew he would

_Andy: I'm here OK. Everything's going to be OK now._

As though a light bulb had suddenly lit itself in his head, Christian realised what he needed to do. He would get through this because he had to, but he didn't need to be alone to do it.

_Andy: Christian?_

_Christian: Didn't you get red?_

_Andy: Sorry. I'll go get some._

_Christian: I'll go. I dread to think what cheep plonk you come back with!_

_Andy: Oi!_

_Christian: Back in a sec._

* * *

He actually smiled as he left the flat and and it widened as he realised that it wasn't a false one. He felt strangely happy knowing he was about to go through the heartbreak again. He was determined to get over Syed and the second he'd decided that he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He was optimistic now and he had the support he'd needed from the beginning. He closed the door behind him and walked straight into him without realising.

_Christian: Sorry!_

He smelt him before he saw him. That irreplaceable scent only Syed could carry off, only Syed possessed. That same smell that had aroused Christian more than anyone else ever had filled his entire body, pulsated through his veins and stopped his heart in an instant. He was trapped, physically unable to move away from him. Neither backed away from each other but neither spoke either. They stood in silence as their chests pressed against each other's, their hands skimmed each others, their breath gently breezing against each other's lips. This was the first time they'd seen each other since Syed had left that day.

_Syed: My fault._

He looked up at him, those bold brown eyes swallowing Christian up from just one glance. He had to get away from here, from him. He could feel himself weakening already.

_Christian: It's OK._

The silence between them was painful and the stare just heightened the intensity of the situation Neither caught the other's eye directly and neither really knew what to say as neither had anything to say. The words had already been spoken and stored away._  
_

_Syed: Christian..._

_Christian: Please. Don't Sy. Just… leave it yeah?_

Christian began to walk away, mustering the strength seemed impossible, as if an invisible force was trying to keep him rooted to the spot. But he broke through and started the hardest steps of his life. His mind flashed back to that day and how his face reacted to every word Syed had told him.

_Syed: I just want to know how you are._

Christian sighed deeply just before he turned around to face him. Even from a distance he took his breath away.

_Christian: I'm fine._

_Syed: Really?_

He sounded almost disappointed.

_Christian: No, not really Sy but what else can I be?_

_Syed: OK, don't shout at me._

Christian turned and walked away again. He couldn't do this. He couldn't have another argument with him. He just didn't have the strength anymore.

_Syed: Lucy's been worried about you._

Syed was desperate to keep him here, desperate to talk to him. It had been so long since he'd heard his voice speak to him that now he was here, in front of him, he'd have said anything to keep him close.

_Christian: I know._

_Syed: What did you say to her._

_Christian: Why?_

_Syed: She's been nice to me! I was expecting some sarcasm but she's actually quite sweet to me._

_Christian: I didn't tell her anything. Not about what you said… I just told her to back off, leave you alone._

_Syed: Thanks._

The tension that hung in the air was momentarily broken as Christian's phone began to ring. Perfect timing as always they both thought.

_Christian: Sorry._

Christian sighed as he saw Andy's name flash on the screen.

_Christian: Yeah?_

_Andy: Get a bottle opener_

_Christian: There's one in the drawer isn't there?_

_Andy: Yeah… I just broke it._

_Christian: Right! I'm on my way._

He saw Syed looking at him, desperate to ask but too afraid so he spared his feelings.

_Christian: Roxy_

Syed smiled a little, realising that even after everything he's put him through, Christian didn't want to hurt him.

_Syed: I could hear his voice. Andy?_

Christian nodded as he looked at the ground.

_Syed: You don't need to lie to me Christian. In a weird kind of way im glad you've moved on. I hope he makes you happy._

Syed smiled softly at him and started to walk away. He was over him already and that broke his heart. He knew he would find someone eventually, someone to be with, share his life with. But Andy? He was so wrong for him. He didn't deserve Christian, didn't deserve his smile, his laughter, his kisses.

_Christian: Sy, we're not… together. He's just a friend, I promise._

Syed smiled through struggled tears.

_Syed: You don't have to say that._

_Christian: Its true. Trust me, I'm off men for a bit!_

Syed felt awkward, uncomfortable. Being in Christian's company had been the only place he'd ever felt safe so why did he suddenly feel like this? He could feel every muscle in his body tense up, every hair on this body stood on end as he tried to shake away the nervousness he was feeling. It was Andy. Thinking of him anywhere near Christian after what he'd said to him made him feel sick.

_Christian: Why did you say it?_

_Syed: Say what?_

_Christian: Everything! Why couldn't you lie to me. Why did you have to tell me all that?_

_Syed: Because you deserved to hear it. And you're the only person I could never lie to._

_Christian: Sy I..._

What? What could he say to make this all go away?

_Christian: I'll see you later._

He walked away while he still could, while his heart was still getting over the shock of seeing him again and wasn't begging him to touch him again.

Syed followed him. He didn't know why or what he'd say or do when he caught up with him. He just knew he had to follow him.

_Syed: Christian..._

Christian stopped outside the unit but didn't turn around. Syed grabbed his arm and pulled him down the small alley.

_Syed: This isn't easy for me either you know._

_Christian: Please Sy, I know why you did it OK. I know and..._

_Syed: And?_

_Christian: And I'm letting you go._

_Syed: What do you mean?_

_Christian: Your dad came to see me earlier. He told me. Everything. Why didn't you just tell me yourself?_

_Syed: It wasn't my place to tell you. And I meant about letting me go?_

_Christian: I'm getting over you Sy. I'm making myself get over you._

_Syed: Just like that?_

_Christian: What choice do I have?! You're not mine and you never were!  
_

Syed reacted before his mind told him it was a bad idea. His anger took control and he pushed Christian back until he hit the wall, his shirt scrunched in his hands.

_Syed: How can you say that? How can you even think it? You know what you meant to me. What you still mean to me. If this was just about me I'd have left her in a heartbeat you know I would have. But it's not just me is it?_

Christian was shocked. He'd never seen him like this before. Angry, yeah, but this was more than anger.

_Christian: No, there's me as well but what I want doesn't even come into it does it?_

_Syed: No, not when I know what will happen to you if it did._

Christian pushed him backwards, changing the stance so he was now in control.

_Christian: Well guess what Sy, its not a problem anymore. I'm not your problem anymore._

_Syed: Yeah? Then how come you're still here? Go on, walk off, leave me here, ignore me. You can't can you. You can't and neither can I because I still want you Christian. You're in here all the time._

He pointed towards his head as he spoke through gritted teeth.

_Syed: I wake up and your face is the first thing I see before I open my eyes. I fall asleep with you in my head and every second in between is filled with you. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for being so bloody perfect that I fell for you. So you get over me. You go off and forget we ever happened. Forget every single second we spent together. Please, do it for me. Because I can't, I don't even want to. I don't want to stop feeling like this and as much as you annoy the hell out of me right now I still love yo…_

He didn't have a chance to finish it. Christian wrapped his lips around his in such passion that Syed moaned aloud. They gasped in unison as the passion overtook them and the fire inside each of them ignited again. No thoughts except each other ran through their minds as their hands ran through each other's hair, their bodies crushed together as their mouths explored each other's again. But something wasn't right. Something was screaming inside of Christian, slowly pushing it's way to the front of his head. He pulled away as reality finally hit him.

_Syed: No, no don't. Don't stop._

He reached up hoping against hope to taste him again but Christian stepped back.

_Christian: I have to go. I cant do this anymore Sy._

He let him go and, ignoring his protests, pleads almost, walked away. In just one kiss Syed had managed to make him fall in love with him all over again. How did he do it? and more importantly, why did Christian keep letting him? This was it he thought as he kept walking, kept blocking out his voice. This was the start, he was about to mend his heart.

_Syed: Christian! Christian please. I.... Christian!_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

_Christian: Andy?_

_Andy: Hmm?_

_Christian: Will you help me?_

_Andy: Help you?_

_Christian: Through this. Help me get over him. Please._

His face was pained and it was obvious that he was struggling with this. Struggling with a broken heart and what do do next.

_Andy: Do you even need to ask? I told you, im here for you, you know I am._

Christian moved up to him, cupped his chin and turned his head.

_Christian: No, I mean help me._

His lips parted as he moved in towards him, surprised that Andy pulled away.

_Andy: Christian, don't._

_Christian: I thought you wanted this._

_Andy: You know I do. But not like this. Its not fair on either of us. If you want this, you and me, to happen then it will. But not until you're over him Christian, I wont be second best._

_Christian: Sorry. I just…_

Andy stroked his cheek. He was desperate to smile, desperate to show his smugness. He knew he'd want him eventually and he was right. He didn't think it would be this quick but he was glad it was. Because the sooner Andy got rid of Syed, the sooner he'd have Christian all to himself.

_Andy: Hey. I know OK. Just trust me tho. I'll help you, I'll help you forget all about him. Just slowly yeah?_

He leaned in and kissed him softly.

_Andy: Besides, patience is a strong point of mine!_

Christian laughed.

_Andy: By the time I'm finished with you, you wont even remember his name._

He leaned in again and kissed him again not noticing Christian's face. Did he really want to forget all about Syed? Forget everything?


	34. Chapter 34

**Apologies in advance for the poor quality of this chapter! I seem to be having a bit of a mental block due to the Chryed black-hole!! I promise the next one will be better! (or at least I hope it will be!)**

* * *

Andy held his breath as he stood outside the doors to the Vic. His hands were shaking and he seemed to have lost all train of thought as he tried to replay the words back in his head. He know what he wanted to say to him and knew he had to word it carefully. One slip up and that would be it. He'd waited for days to ask him this and he'd been waiting until the right moment arrived, waiting until Christian was at his weakest. And after last night he knew he was ready to crumble. Amira's sudden appearance at his flat last night had broken Christian in half. Hearing her babble on about Syed and how perfect he was, how in love they were, how desperate for a baby they were, had shown in Christian's face as every thoughtless word spilled from her mouth. But he couldn't blame her. She was the innocent party in this. She was the oblivious wife that was guaranteed to get hurt. She just didn't know it yet.

Andy was just glad to be there for him when she finally left. He'd broken his heart the second the door closed behind her and was, once again, thrown back to the start. He'd slowly been getting over Syed, avoided him as best he could and spoke of him less and less. Slowly he was picking himself up, ready for Andy to make his move. And then came the bombshell that was Amira. Calling over only to boast really, she made some excuse about a romantic night in for her and Syed and wanted to borrow some DVD's. As hard as he tried to get her out the flat she just wouldn't leave. Her smile widened with every word she spoke and, if Andy didn't know any better, he could have sworn it was false, that every loved filled word was a lie.

After last night Andy knew Christian was now at his weakest. He was lonely, fragile and, perhaps more importantly for him, vulnerable beyond belief. He knew that whatever he told him now would be taken in by his head, not his heart. And that's what he wanted.

As ready as he'd ever be, he pulled open the door to the Vic and marched up to the bar, his eyes fixed steadily on the idyllic image stood in front of him

_Andy: Hey, have you got a minute?_

Andy felt the breath knocked from him the second his eyes found him. He was glorious. Even in the dim lights of the Vic Christian shone through, captured everyone's gaze and pulled them closer to him. He really wasn't supposed to have fallen for him like this. Andy had only ever opened his heart up once before and that had been a heartbreaking disaster from start to finish.

_Christian: Well I'm working. Can't it wait?_

_Andy: Roxy! You can spare him for a few minutes can't you?_

_Christian: Um... do you mind?_

Slightly taken aback by his attitude, Christian stared at him.

_Andy: No. I really need to talk to you._

Before he could protest Roxy wandered over, a large grin on her face. Christian could almost read her mind. She was so desperate for him and Andy to get together that she couldn't help herself.

_Roxy: Um yeah, of course._

_Andy: Thanks._

_Roxy: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!_

Andy smiled as he turned and walked out of the door, knowing he'd follow him and prepared himself for what he was about to say. He couldn't stop repeating his well-preparedvspeech in his mind until he could hardly keep the words in anymore.

* * *

Inside, Christian stared at the door, a little shocked and a little worried. He'd never seen him so edgy before.

_Roxy: Uh, what's that about?_

_Christian: I have no idea. I won't be long._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

As he closed the door behind him he saw Andy in the gardens across the square, waiting almost impatiently for him.

_Christian: What's going on? What's happened?_

_Andy: I'm moving._

_Christian: Moving?_

_Andy: Yeah, I'm going back home. To Surrey. Dad's built the business back up and wants me to go back there to work for him._

_Christian: Andy that's great I'm... I'm really pleased for you._

_Andy: Come with me._

_Christian: What?_

_Andy: Come with me to Surrey._

Christian laughed a little but stopped as soon as he saw Andy's face fall. He was serious?!

_Christian: You're not serious are you?_

_Andy: Why not?_

_Christian: I cant leave here._

_Andy: Why not? What's here for you anymore Christian? Seriously?_

Christian studied his face as he tried his best not to say his name.

_Christian: Well there's Jane, the kids_

_Andy: Jane has her own life and the kids are practically grown up. They'll be going to uni or moving away soon._

_Christian: There's the business._

Andy laughed at his feeble excuses.

_Andy: You're a silent partner. You don't get involved in it anymore so it doesn't matter where you're living does it?_

_Christian: What about Roxy? And Amy?_

_Andy: They're not your responsibility. Roxy will find someone eventually and settle down and Amy has both her parents living just a few feet away from each other. There's nothing stopping you except for you. You need to let go._

_Christian: What's that supposed to mean?_

_Andy: You know exactly what that means. Let him go Christian for God's sake. You're clinging on to some fantasy you've got that one day he's going to wake up and choose you. Well he's not and you know he's not. If he wanted you he'd be with you._

Christian stared at him totally shocked.

_Christian: That's harsh._

_Andy: Yeah well it's the truth._

His voice was resentful. Why, after everything Syed had done to him, everything he'd put him through had he refused to get over him. It was almost as if he enjoyed feeling the pain he seemed to be in.

_Christian: Yeah well I can't help how I feel OK. I never asked you to stick around, if you don't like me the way I am then go._

Christian turned to walk away. He didn't need to listen to this, couldn't listen to it if he was being honest to himself, but Andy grabbed his hand and pulled him backwards.

_Andy: You asked me to help you._

_Christian: Yeah, and you turned me down remember?_

_Andy: And you know why. I want you Christian, you know I do but I cant keep waiting for you._

_Christian: Then don't._

He walked away again, fury surging through him. Who the hell did he think he was? He had no idea what he was going through, how difficult this was for him. He was sick of repeating himself over and over but this wasn't as simple or straight forward as love! What he felt for Syed was so complex he couldn't even put it into words.

_Andy: Christian! Christian, look I'm sorry OK. Please._

He didn't want to argue with him, he was his only ally these days. He turned and walked back up to him.

_Christian: I can't help being like this Andy. You think I like it?_

_Andy: No, of course not._

_Christian: Because its ripping me apart. I see him and I break inside all over again. I'm never going to get over him, ever. So if you're waiting for some kind of miracle where I wake up one _morning _and I am, then you'll be waiting a long time._

_Andy: Please Christian. I'm sorry OK. I just…_

He reached out and took both his hands in his.

_Andy: Just... think about it. It can be a fresh start for you. Away from the memories, away from everything that reminds you of him._

_Christian: And you think that'll work do you? That if I cant see him I'll forget about him and I'll just jump straight into bed with you?_

_Andy: Now who's being harsh?_

_Christian: I'm sorry Andy. I can't leave here_

_Andy: But you can leave me?_

Christian sighed

_Christian: Andy…_

_Andy: Look I know there's no us, not really. But I want there to be._

_Christian: So stay. Stay here and we'll just…_

_Andy: What? Wait for you to get over him? It's never going to happen is it? You don't even want to. I can see it in your face whenever I bring him up. You want to stay like this._

_Christian: I wouldn't go that far._

_Andy: Wouldn't you? You're not helping yourself Christian. You wont let yourself forget him because you don't want to. I can't stay around and watch you waste away while you cling onto some sort of false hope he's given you. I can't stand to see you crumble like this. Every day you just fall backwards and I can't stand it anymore. If you want me to stay I'll stay. But you have to move on. If you can't do that then come with me and I can help you._

Christian sighed heavily. He just didn't get it.

_Andy: If you come with me Christian you can finally stop feeling like this. You can let him go and you'll slowly get over this. And I'll be there for you. I'll help you in any way I can but you need to let him go._

_Christian: It's not that simple Andy. You know it's not._

_Andy: Christian, I've fallen for you. I really have. I know you don't feel the same but…_

_Christian: But?_

_Andy: But I want you to give yourself the chance to. If things don't work out then at least you can say that you've tried. You can look at yourself in the mirror and you can say that you gave it your best shot._

_Christian: Andy I…_

_Andy: Just… think about it? Please? Don't shoot me down before you've thought about it._

_Christian: OK. When do you leave?_

_Andy: In 3 weeks. June 19th_

_Christian: June 19th?_

Of all dates to be reminded of did it have to be this one?

_Andy: Please Christian, please think about it. I'm serious. I want you to come with me. Away from here you can get on with your life, and you've got no idea how big a part I want in your life._

_Christian: And…_

Christian was starting to feel uncomfortable.

_Andy: Sorry. I'm scaring you now!_

_Christian: Yeah, a little!_

His voice was jokey but he was serious. When had things started moving so quickly? Last night he was a friend and now he was talking about moving away together? Living together? Christian could hardly get his head around it.

_Andy: Sorry. I just…_

_Christian: What_

_Andy: Nothing_

_Christian: Come on, tell me_

_Andy: I want to give you everything you want, everything you deserve. I want to walk down the street with you, hold your hand, laugh with you, argue with you. I want a relationship Christian. I want everything that you want. I don't want someone to sleep with, I want a partner, a boyfriend. I want you._

Andy knew he'd just said all the right things. Christian looked at him as if he'd just heard everything he'd ever dreamt of hearing. Every word he'd heard had rung true in his head and he was thinking about it. Andy knew he was his now.

_Andy: Think about what you want. Then think about what you'll have if you stay here and what you'll have if you come with me._

He took a step towards him and placed both his hands on Christian's cheeks, pulling his face up so their eyes met.

_Andy: I can give you everything you want. Everything. You know I can. I can make you happy._

He took the opportunity to prey on Christian's weakness and pulled his face closer to his.

_Andy: I can make you so happy Christian. Just let me try._

He moved his lips up to his until they met. It was gentle, slow and quick. Anything more than that when he practically had him in the palm of his hand would have been stupid.

_Andy: Just think about it?_

_Christian: OK. I'll think about it._

Andy smiled as he realised he'd broken him. In just a few short minutes he'd managed to shoot down his feelings for Syed and make him consider leaving him.

_Christian: I've got to get back to work. I'll see you later?_

_Andy: Of course you will._

He brushed Christian's lips with his thumb as he tried to pull away from him. From the corner of his eyes he could see them and couldn't resist twisting the knife further. He reached up and kissed him gently again, feeling Christian's lips responding to his.

_Christian: See you later._

He turned around, not really sure of what had just happened there. Had Andy actually managed to convince him to leave Walford? Leave Syed? He took a step forward and felt his heart sink as he heard her voice.

_Amira: Get a room you 2!_

He turned his head and saw two stationary figures, one smiling and one on the brink of tears. Syed had seen them.


	35. Chapter 35

Slightly perplexed, Christian walked back into the Vic and straight into Roxy's barrage of questions. Suddenly he realised the seriousness of what had just happened. A man that, in all fairness, he thought of as a friend and nothing more, had just offered him a fresh start. A life without the daily heartache and pain. A life without the constant misery and fear. Fear of bumping into Syed. Fear of seeing what his life would have been like if he'd have chosen him. And, quite possibly the worst of all, fear of the day the news broke that their first child was expected. That would kill him. That would crush him beyond everything because no matter how much he loved Syed, that was the only thing he could never give him.

_Roxy: Christian!_

Her shrill voice broke his thoughts and brought him crashing back to reality. Leave? Could he really just leave? Just like that?

_Roxy: Everything OK?_

_Christian: Hmm? Yeah. Yeah everything's fine._

_Roxy: And Andy?_

_Christian: Yeah he's fine. He's um… he's moving._

_Roxy: Moving?_

_Christian: He's goi_

_ng back to Surrey_

Even now it didn't seem real. He's moving and he wants me to go with him.

_Roxy: Are you OK?_

Christian realised that the puzzled and slightly fearsome look on his face must have come across as sorrow

_Christian: Me? I'm fine._

_Roxy: Really?_

_Christian: Really._

_Roxy: Then what's with the face?_

_Christian: He's asked... He's asked me to go with him._

As soon as the words left his lips he knew he shouldn't have told her. Roxy's face lit up. She'd never believed him when he'd told her that he and Andy were friends and nothing more and now this seemed to solidify that thought in her head.

_Roxy: And?_

_Christian: And what Rox? I can't go can I?_

_Roxy: Upstairs._

_Christian: Wha…_

_Roxy: Now!_

* * *

_Roxy: Sit._

Christian, having no energy to argue with her, almost fell into the chair.

_Roxy: Right. Why not?_

_Christian: Rox…_

_Roxy: No, come on. Why not? He's giving you a new start babe._

_Christian: And I'm supposed to just up and leave am I? Just because it's offered doesn't mean I have to take it Rox._

_Roxy: And you'd rather stay around here would you? Rented flat, dead end job as a barman. No relationship, no stability._

_Christian: Are you trying to wind me up?_

_Roxy: I'm trying to get you to do what's right for you. Are you really going to let him just slip away from you? He's so good for you Christian, you know he is! He can make you happy, laugh, smile. He could be good for you if you'd just give him the chance_

_Christian: So what, I just sleep with him just in case he helps me get over …_

He'd almost said his name.

_Roxy: Away from here, away from everything you've gone through, it's what you need Christian. No memories, no reminders._

_Christian: Its not that easy._

_Roxy: Oh don't be so stupid, of course it is! What's here for you? What's actually stopping you from leaving?_

_Christian: You, Amy, Jane, the business. Do you want me to carry on?_

_Roxy: OK me, yeah I'll miss you but I have a phone Christian, and I know how to get on a train! Amy will love visiting you and getting spoiled rotten when she sees you. Plus she'll have her uncle Christian to run to when Mummy's driving her nuts! Jane has her own life with Ian and the kids. And when was the last time you actually stepped foot in Massala Queen?_

_Christian: I don't believe this! You're just like Andy! Neither of you have listened to me, neither have asked me if I want to go, just that I should. Maybe you all don't need me but what about me? What if I need you? What about what I want?!_

_Roxy: What do you want then?_

Syed he thought to himself. Still, after all this time all he wanted was Syed.

_Christian: I don't know._

_Roxy: Christian. Christian look at me. Why wont you let yourself be happy?_

_Christian: Its not that simple Rox. Andy, he's..._

_Roxy: He's what? He's young, stunning, he wants you. He could be just what you need._

_Christian: You make it sound so simple_

_Roxy: No Christian I don't. Its you that's turning it into something complicated. Don't you want to get over him? Don't you want your life back?_

_Christian: Of course I do but Andy…He's not what I want._

Her lips curled into the smallest and most sympathetic smile she had ever given him.

_Roxy: But maybe he's what you need._

He sighed heavily. She was right, he knew she was. He needed to get away from here, from him. It hurt to even think of him these days.

_Roxy: Christian just listen for a second, yeah. All you're doing here is wasting away over someone that isn't yours any more. I know you're still hurting over him OK but are you really going to let him stop you getting on with your life? You can't have a better tomorrow if you keep thinking of yesterday all the time._

Christian looked at her.

_Christian: That's a bit deep for you!_

She playfully hit his arm as she laughed.

_Roxy: I hate seeing you like this. Since Christmas you've become the whole other person and I don't even know you any more. I want the old Christian back. The happy, cheeky, I don't care what anyone says Christian. I miss him._

_Christian: He's still there Rox, he's just grown up._

_Roxy: OK. So be a grown up. Go home and think about what it is you want. Do you want to feel like this or do you want to smile every morning when you wake up? Make your decision Christian but make it for you. Don't do it because it's what Andy wants, or because it's what I think you should do. This is your life and you're the one that's going to have to live it. Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself. Yeah?_

Christian nodded.

_Christian: What about my shift?_

_Roxy: Sod your shift babe. I'll get someone in to cover._

* * *

He walked out of the door and into the sunshine. The difference in him was already apparent. If he was going to do this then it had to be for him and no one else. Not for Andy and not for Syed. But could he really see himself happy with Andy? Could he see himself wake up next to him every morning? Smile at him as he watched him get dressed the way he did with Syed? He liked him, but did he actually like him? A year ago he would have jumped at the chance. The old Christain would have already have slept with him countless times, dumped him and maybe even called him back when the nights got that little bit lonely again. But the new him was out in force now and Syed was the reason for it. He'd changed him so much, and all for the better. His life before was meaningless, nothing but an endless string of one night stands. His days were empty and his nights spent with an array of men, most of which he couldn't even remember the most basic details about them. Some had been the result of too much drink that if they walked past him in the street he wouldn't have recognised them.  
But he was different now, he knew that. His life seemed to have a purpose, a meaning. Not only had he loved but he had been loved in return and that truly was the most remarkable feeling in the world. To know that the person you care most about in the entire world feels the same way about you was always an alien concept to Christian, or at least to the old Christian. But now? Now it was the only feeling in the world he wanted. He wanted to be loved in the same way he loved. He wanted that insatiable feeling of being with someone. That knowing they were sat beside him but still felt as though he missed them. And he only wanted that with Syed No one else would ever come close and fooling himself into thinking they would just wasn't plausible. In time he hoped he'd change but not yet. It wasn't only Syed he was hanging on to, it wasn't even the love that he showed him. It was the fact that Christian had found someone that he cared so much about that he would willingly lay down his life for them. It was the butterfly feeling he got when he saw him and even though it hurt he wasn't ready to let that go just yet.


	36. Chapter 36

It seemed like hours ago that he'd made his decision. And yet he was still sat in the same spot on his sofa, still had the same thoughts swimming around and around in his head. The only difference was that now the night had cast it's shadow and the room was now in total darkness. The street lights outside shone dimly through his window but failed to illuminate the inside of Christian's flat, instead the beams seemed to know that their presence wasn't welcome and stayed in the confined area around Christian's window. His heart was dark and so was his mind. He had spent hours staring into the nothingness that was in front of him and had almost driven himself crazy thinking about his choice. He knew it was the right one but there was still that tiny part of him that wanted to break free. He'd had a 2-way conversation with himself in his own mind about why he needed to do what he was doing, as though he needed to justify it to himself to able to accept that he was doing what was best for him.

He wasn't ready to get over Syed, not completely anyway. Somehow, knowing that he was still in love with him, that he still felt the happiness and elation that being in love had brought to him was a comfort to him. And, despite the fact that the happiness was being overpowered by misery and total heartbreak, it was still there. He never believed that he could feel this way and, now that he did, he wasn't ready to let go of it just yet. He wanted to stay and get hurt every time he saw him, he wanted that pain because it reminded him that everything he'd gone through was worth it. Christian knew that, if he'd been given the chance again, to go through everything he had knowing how much it would hurt, he would have done it all over again without a second's thought because it was worth it. He was worth it.

Syed wasn't just anyone he was his soul mate. His lover and his best friend. He didn't want a life without him in it, no matter how small a role that would be. He'd settle for total ignorance from him, never speaking to him again if he could just stay close to him. Seeing him every so often was all he needed for that reminder that his heart was capable of love. This wasn't just about Syed, this was about Christian and how he'd done the seemingly impossible. He'd cared for someone so much that nothing but them mattered. He'd never thought that possible. He had managed to self destruct every relationship he had ever been in just so that he didn't get hurt. But he knew now that truth was that he just hurt himself worse in the long run. Syed had changed. He changed him for the better.

Life didn't seem so empty anymore, so rushed and chaotic. And for the first time Christian's realised that he didn't need the sex anymore, he hardly even missed it. Sex was so alien to him now and that was all because of Syed. He'd shown him what love does to you. That you can spend every waking second with that person but still want more. He'd shown him that, just by being in his presence, in his company, was more meaningful than any feeling sex could give him. And he'd shown him the difference between sex and lovemaking. Sex was nothing but a selfish and mindless act. A means for the individual to get as much personal satisfaction and release as they possibly could. It was an adventure for the body, the pleasing of his own lust and needs. But making love was a completely different experience. That came from the heart, from the very bottom of a person's soul. Christian had never felt the way he had when Syed had shared his bed and making love to him felt like every muscle, every thought, every intention worked as one to give everything he had and was to make Syed feel more complete then he ever believed possible. Their time together was the physical union of two souls who are in love with one another; a consummating testament to the intimacy, devotion, affection, and respect they feel for one another. And that's exactly how it felt with Syed.

He couldn't leave him, leave those memories behind because they were a part of him now. They had made him who he was and he liked being that person. He liked knowing that he could love, that he could share everything he'd kept locked up inside of him for so long. And he liked knowing that he was loved in return. He'd barricaded himself in his own private world for so long that he'd almost forgotten who he really was and what he really wanted. He ran on auto-pilot flitting from one day to the next and gave little thought to anyone but himself. But the closer he got to Syed the more he fell for him and the more he fell for him the quicker the wall crumbled until he'd left his heart wide open for the taking. He wanted Syed to love him almost as much as he loved Syed, he wanted him to feel what he was feeling, the same resplendent mixture of love and lust, the indescribable pounding his heart made when he was near him. He wanted Syed to share every part of his feelings for him and feel them himself.

This was who he was now and if he needed to stay close to Syed to remind himself of who he really was then that's what he'd have to do. Slowly he'd get over him, get to the stage where seeing his face wouldn't shatter his heart. But until that time he was happy to stay here, stay in his memories.

* * *

He stared at his mobile, Andy's name on the screen and pushed the 'Call' button. He answered it within 3 rings and Christian knew from the music in the background that he was in work.

_Andy: Hey! I wasn't expecting to hear from you! Listen, can I call you back when I'm on my break?_

_Christian: I can't come with you._

He'd blurted the words out before he could stop himself. He really didn't want to do this on the phone. He needed to explain to him, make him see things from his pont of view. But his mouth had let him down. Now all that hung between them was and awkward and expected silence.

_Christian: Andy?_

_Andy: Yeah, I heard you._

_Christian: Look, why..._

But he was wasting his breath. Andy had hung up the phone.

* * *

20 minutes later and Christian jumped at the sound of his front door being pounded. The echoing banging meant only one thing. Andy was outside. Jumping up from the chair he rushed out the door and down the stairs.

_Andy: Christian!!! Open this door!!_

His voice wasn't just loud, it was a deafening screech.

_Christian: OK! OK! I'm coming._

He swung open the door and saw the face of a man who was not only angry but the face of a man who was almost savage with rage. Andy was furious, that much was obvious, but the look on his face frightened Christian a little.

He barged passed him and began to walk up the stairs without saying a word to him, and into the flat. Christian followed him and closed the flat door behind him and turned to face him. He was pacing the room, his fists flexing open and closed and his entire body seemed stiff.

_Andy: This is because of him isn't it?_

_Christian: No. no its not. It's because of me._

_Andy: I don't believe you. Look me in the eyes and tell me that there's not a small, even tiny part of you that's saying no because of **him**._

He almost spat the words at him. Every pore in his body oozed his hatred for Syed.

_Christian: Andy, don't._

_Andy: You cant can you? You can't even be honest with me. After everything I've done for you, all the help I've given you, you can't tell me the truth._

_Christian: I don't want to argue with you._

_Andy: Well tough, because that's exactly what I want to do. I want to scream at you, shout at you, I want to..._

Andy took a deep breath as he held his tongue.

_Andy: I don't believe you. I don't believe me! How could I have been so fucking stupid?! You know I really thought you and me... I thought we had something._

_Christian: Andy..._

_Andy: But all you wanted was some idiot to come running when you wanted, hold your hand, tell you everything was going to be alright. And what did I do?! Exactly that! I was your lapdog Christian and you used me! Who the hell do you think you are?!_

_Christian: Andy, please. I'm sorry OK._

_Andy: Sorry?! What for? You're exactly like him aren't you?! You led me on, let me fall for you and you knew we'd never be together. You've done the same to me that he's done to you!_

Christian looked at his face. He was right.

_Andy: You hypocrite._

_Christian: I'm sorry OK. I really am. But this isn't about him, it's about me._

_Andy: Oh it's always been about you Christian. You know one day you're going to wake up and realise that you've wasted years of your life on him. You're just sitting around hoping that he'll give everything up for you. Well guess what, he's not going to. You know it, he knows it and the sooner you accept that the better._

Andy couldn't help but stare at his face. He really didn't see it did he?

_Andy: I can't take this anymore. Christian. I'll see you around._

Before he could stop him, before he could think of anything that would get him to stay and let him explain, Christian watched as he walked out the door, heard his heay feet on the stairs and felt his entire flat shake as he slammed the door shut behind him. He felt awful, and he knew it was because he was right. Everything He'd just told him was right. Christian knew there'd never be any future for him and Andy, not really, but he kept hanging on to him, kept pulling him back knowing that he'd always come to him. He knew Andy wanted him and he'd subconsciously used that to his advantage.

He couldn't let him leave thinking he'd used him.

* * *

_Christian: Andy… Andy!_

He ran down the stairs, out of the door and down the street after him. He couldn't leave it like this.

As soon as he heard his voice Andy had to resist the smile that was desperate to creep onto his face. He knew he'd follow him. He'd said everything he'd never wanted to hear and now he was at his lowest.

_Christian: Andy! Wait!_

The corners of his mouth curled slightly as he heard him. Trying not to show his smugness he faked his misery on his face and turned around to face him.

_Andy: Leave me alone. I'm nothing to you am I?_

_Christian: Of course you are! You know you are. It's just..._

_Andy: Save the theatricals will you! You used me Christian and you know you did. You know how I feel about you and you twisted it so you could get everything you wanted. Well it stops now OK. You and me, we're finished. Whatever weird friendship you thought up in your head is over._

_Christian: Don't say that._

_Andy: Do you have any idea what it's been like for me? Seeing the way you look at him, the way you smile without realising it when you say his name? Do you have idea idea what it was like to sit there and listen to you talking about sleeping with him?! It killed me to think of it, to think of the two of you in bed together when it should have been me there instead._

_Christian: I..._

_Andy: Just shut up! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of being second best! I've washed my hands of you Christian, of the both of you._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

Andy closed his car door behind him and smiled. He'd be back, he knew he would. And that's when the fun would really begin.


	37. Chapter 37

**May 28th**

_Christian: Andy, look I know I've hurt you but please, just call me back OK. Text me even. Just so I know you're OK._

* * *

**May 30th**

_Christian: Andy, I know you're abgry with me and I don't blame you. Please, I need to explain everything. I really can explain._

* * *

**June 4th**

_Christian: It's me. Again! Please And, I... I miss having you around. It's been weeks and I... Please, just let me know you're OK._

* * *

**June 8th**

_Christian: I'm getting worried now! I'm starting to think you're avoiding me! Please Andy, I'm sorry. I really am. Please call me, I miss you._

* * *

**June 13th (2:47pm)**

_Christian: This is the last time, I promise! Roxy's throwing me a birthday party in the Vic on Tuesday and I want you to come. Please, for me. I don't want the other night to be the way we leave things. I want to see you Andy, I miss you. Please just... I don't know... just call me back. I can't stand what I've done to you and I need to apologise. Not on the phone, in person. You've done so much for me these past few months and I've never once said thank you to you. Please Andy, just call me. Or come to the party at least? I want you there. It's at 7. Please come or I'll have to unleash Roxy on you and trust me, you don't want that!! I'll see you soon yeah?_

* * *

**June 13th (2:49pm)**

Andy lay in his bed as he listened to his messages and he couldn't help but smile. He knew it! He knew it would work. A few hurtful words, a few tears in his eyes and it all fell into place. Christian realised that he couldn't do this alone and he needed him. Andy knew that, when he left in a few days, he wouldn't be leaving alone. He'd have Christian with him.

He walked over to his wardrobe and opened the doors. Now, he thought to himself, do I go for smart or casual?

* * *

**June 13th (2:51pm)**

_Roxy: Well?_

_Christian: Answer phone._

She walked up beside him and linked her arm through his. She hated seeing him like this and, ever since last Christmas, she felt like she had no idea who her best friend was anymore.

_Roxy: He'll be here babe._

_Christian: I just feel so lousy Rox! I treated him like shit and I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to see me again._

_Roxy: Come on babe. He'll call you back._

_Christian: I doubt it._

_Roxy: He's not going to leave things like this is he?! He's just cooling off a bit, that's all._

_Christian: For 2 weeks?! Face it Rox, I've blown it._

_Roxy: I thought you weren't interested in him?_

_Christian: So just because I don't want to sleep with him I can't worry about him can I? I can't miss him?_

_Roxy: Alright! I only asked!_

_Christian: Sorry babe._

He was snapping more and more recently.

_Roxy: You couldn't get a crate from the cellar for me could you?_

_Christian: Yeah, course._

As soon as he was out of sight, Roxy grabbed his phone, scrolled through the phone book, typed Andy's number into her own phone and put it back before Christian walked back into the bar. She wasn't going to let this go. He needed cheering up and she was going to make sure that he was going to have a smile on his face before the week was over.

_Christian: Where do you want them?_

_Roxy: Just over there babe. Um, can you watch the bar for a minute? I've got to pop out._

_Christian: Yeah._

_Roxy: Thanks_

_Christian: Where are you going?_

_Roxy: I wont be long._

_

* * *

_Roxy walked around the corner and sat on the swings. Knowning she wouldn't be interrupted she took out her phone and found Andy's name. Hoping she wasn't making things worse she pressed call and waited._  
_

_Andy: Hello?_

_Roxy: Andy? Andy it's Roxy, don't hang up._

Andy smiled as soon as he heard her voice. He didn't expect to hear from her yet. Things were moving along quicker than he thought.

_Andy: I'm not going to hang up._

_Roxy: Thanks._

_Andy: What can I do for you? Or do I already know the answer?_

_Roxy: Are you really going to leave without seeing him again?_

_Andy: What's he told you?_

_Roxy: Nothing much. Just that he's treated you like shit and he misses you._

_Andy: Misses me? Yeah right!_

_Roxy: He does actually. I've lost count the amount of times he checks his phone to see of you've phoned him or text him. He's moving about the place like some little kid who's had all his sweets taken away from him. He's miserable Andy._

_Andy: Really?_

_Roxy: Really._

_Andy: He's been miserable for months Rox. This has nothing to do with me._

_Roxy: Of course it does! You're all he talks about._

Andy smiled on the other end of the phone. He was so predictable and now he had him exactly where he wanted him. He was thinking of him, not Syed. Him.

_Roxy: No offence but he talks about you that much that you're starting to get on my nerves!_

Andy laughed.

_Andy: Thanks!_

_Roxy: Please, he's missing you._

_Andy: I don't know Rox, he's hurt me._

_Roxy: I know that babe but... do you really want to leave things like this?_

Andy faked a sigh and tried to hide his smugness.

_Andy: What time's the party?_

Roxy smiled. She'd cracked him. All he needed was to hear that he'd been missed, to be shown that little glimmer of hope

_Roxy: 7._

_Andy: Fine, I'll be there. But don't tell him OK. I want to surprise him._


	38. Chapter 38

**Christian's Birthday**

**June 15th (6:49 pm)**

_Amira: Are you going to tell me what's wrong?_

Here we go again he thought. All he'd encountered from her lately was question after question, comment after comment. Worry followed by concern. He knew what he was doing to her and he felt the guilt every second of every day, but he still couldn't stop himself. The truth was that he'd reached the point where he could barely hold her hand anymore without feeling his insides churn.

Syed knew that he'd been distant with her lately, and he'd spent as much time avoiding her as he possibly could. His days were spent working from dawn till dusk at the unit, his nights spent walking the empty streets. He didn't mind where he went or who he saw. Anywhere was better than being at home and having to see her face breaking as he turned away from her.

_Syed: Nothing. I've told you. I'm fine._

_Amira: You're not babe. I hardly see you any more. You wander in from work as late as you possibly can and go straight to bed. You hardly say 2 words to me from one day to the next and when was the last time we...?_

He resisted the shudder that travelled through his body and turned to grab his jacket. Sex, it was always about the sex.

_Syed: It's just difficult. Being in the same house as my parents. I feel awkward, you know I do._

He'd been using this excuse for so long that he even started to believe it himself. Every time he felt her hand slide onto his chest and make it's way downwards he could feel himself stiffen, his blood freezing at the thought of having to be intimate with her and he hated doing it to her. And each time he reached for her hand to stop her he felt the wrongness that was his relief. He could still her her sigh as he told her.

_Syed: They'll hear._

_Amira: Were married. I think they know what were doing babe!_

Her smile was always the worst. The hopeful 'I'll talk you around' smile that showed how badly she wanted him as she nuzzled his neck, how she had pictured spending every night with him coiled around her. Instead the only part of her husband she saw in bed was his back, and lately that was covered in his t-shirt.

_Syed: Are you ready? We're going to be late._

_Amira: I don't see why you're so keen on going anyway. You hardly speak to him these days do you?_

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**June 15th (6:56 pm)**

As soon as they opened the doors to the Vic, Syed's eyes searched the room for him. He needed to see him, needed to be close to him, but he was nowhere to be seen.

_Amira: I'm going to find the birthday boy._

Syed smiled at her he walked up to the bar. It was strange how his mood had suddenly changed.

_Syed: 2 orange juices please Roxy_

He tried his best as he looked around not to seem to eager. He had to be here somewhere, breathing in the same air as him. He could almost taste him.

_Syed: Where's Christian?_

_Roxy: Oh, you know Christian. Fashionably late and all that! He won't be long._

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**June 15th (6:59 pm)**

He closed the flat door behind him and spun around on the spot as soon as he heard his voice.

_Andy: You could have made an effort!_

_Christian: Andy!_

_Andy: Hey._

He slowly walked towards him, feeling satisfied with himself that Christian's smile was one of relief and genuine happiness.

_Andy: Couldn't let you grow old without me could I?_

He was so glad to see him, so glad that he'd that he pulled him into a hug.

_Christian: Thank you. For coming._

_Andy: OK! Calm down, you're going to squeeze me to death!_

_Christian: Sorry. Andy, about..._

_Andy: Don't, please. We both said some things. Let's just leave it yeah?_

_Christian: But..._

_Andy: Please. It's your birthday and there's a pub over there with a whole load of booze with my name on it!_

Christian laughed. In the space of 30 seconds his mood had lifted entirely.

_Andy: Mine's a double tho,_

_Christian: Um... it's my birthday! Aren't you supposed to be buying me the drinks?!_

_Andy: I'm gatecrashing! This is now a birthday/leaving party!_

_Christian: You're back 5 minutes and you're already taking over!_

_Andy: Yup, what can I say?!_

* * *

**June 15th (7:13 pm)**

_Roxy: So that's it. I've no idea what it was about tho. I'm surprised he never told you to be honest. I thought you two were joined at the hip._

_Syed: Yeah, we've kind of... drifted apart lately._

So it wasn't because of him. Roxy had spent the last ten minutes filling him in on everything that had happened between Christian and Andy and, as glad as it made him that he was no longer around, sticking the knife in and twisting Christian's mind, he was sad because Christian was sad.

_Roxy: Finally!_

Syed swung around and smiled as he saw Christian walk in through the door. Closely followed by...

_Roxy: Andy!_

_Christian: Drop the act Rox, he told me you called him._

_Roxy: YEah well, someone had to put a smile on your face didn't they?!  
_

Syed's eyes dropped to their hands as Andy linked them together. His hand in Christian's? His blood boiled at the sight.

_Roxy: Where have you two been? We've been waiting for you!_

Andy opened his mouth to speak but stopped as soon as he saw Syed. This was to good an opportunity to pass up

_Andy: Sorry Rox, my fault. We've been getting re-acquainted._

Christian's laugh as he said it was the final nail in Syed's heart. He hadn't seen him as he walked in but Andy had. He'd seen his eyes focus on him as he delivered the blow. But he refused to break eye contact, refused to let him see him hurt.

_Andy: Haven't we babe?_

As soon as he turned to face him Syed almost ran into the toilets and felt the bile rise from his stomach. He couldn't shake the image of them together, naked, in bed, wrapped around each other's bodies.

_Andy: Aw, not feeling well?_

Syed spun around and saw his face. He knew exactly what he was doing and it was working. He was breaking Christian down and tearing Syed apart. He couldn't stand to see him, to see that face, those eyes.

_Syed: Get out._

Syed turned and lowered his head. Everything was such a mess and it was all his fault.

_Andy: You know, you should go home if you're not feeling up to it._

It wasn't what he said, it was the way he said them, the way everything spilled from his mouth like poison.

_Syed: Just get out! Get OUT!_

He felt him take a step forward, felt him lean over as he whispered in his ear.

_Andy: Told you I'd look after him for you didn't I? Told him I'd keep him nice and safe for you._

Acting before thinking, Syed grabbed him and pushed him back against the wall. He was angry, he was hurt but more than anything, his jealousy just wouldn't stop. As Andy's laughter echoed through his ears it did nothing to stop the burning feeling inside him threaten to scream through. Syed knew that this was what he wanted, that Andy had probably planned this all along and here he was, falling prey to his pathetic plan. But he couldn't help himself.

_Andy: Careful Syed, or I'll think you're coming onto me. Now that would be fun wouldn't it?_

_Syed: Leave me alone._

_Andy: And why would I want to do that? We've got so much catching up to do. Don't you want to know how he's spent his birthday?_

He bent forward and whispered in his ear.

_Andy: Insatiable isn't he?_

Syed slammed him back against the wall again, harder this time.

_Andy: Now, now Syed. You wanted him to get over you and now he has. All he needed was a one night with me and he's forgotten your name already._

_Syed: You haven't slept with him yet!_

_Andy: Really?! What do you think we've been doing all afternoon then? What do you think I gave him to unwrap for his birthday?_

Syed let him go and walked backwards The tears winning the battle and falling fast.

_Andy: Can't stand it can you. Thinking of him in bed with me. Touching me, holding me, kissing me. Fucking me._

_Syed: Stop it._

_Andy: Doing everything he did with you, only with me instead. Why do you think we were late?_

He walked towards Syed as he spoke.

_Andy: We lost track of time as we rolled around the room, fucked like mad for hours on end._

_Syed: Why are you doing this?_

His tears were coming thick and fast, his voice almost begging him to stop without saying the words.

_Andy: Because you did it to him. He had to picture you, lying there night after night with her. You led him on day after day. And her?! She actually gives him the details! Did you know that! He has to sit there and listen to her as she drones on about how amazing you are, how sex is everything she'd ever imagined and more!_

_Syed: I'm sorry._

_Andy: Don't be. You sent him straight into my arms. I should be thanking you really! He's all mine now, you wont even get a look in._

Syed turned away from him. He couldn't handle hearing the words even though he knew they were the truth.

_Andy: He's with me now Syed. He sleeps with me, kisses me._

He walked up behind him and whispered quietly in his ear.

_Andy: It's me that gets to taste his cock now._

He couldn't take any more he ran from the bathroom, out into the pub and straight into Christian, his chest stopping Syed with a force

_Christian: Sorry! Sy?_

Syed couldn't speak as their eyes met. All he could see was them, in bed together. He couldn't be here, he couldn't see them together. He had to get out.

_Christian: Sy?!_

_Andy: Drink babe?_

It clicked into place as soon as Christian saw him. Syed and Andy in the same room together, it all made sense now.

_Christian: What did you say to him?_

_Andy: Who?_

_Christian: Syed_

_Andy: Syed?_

_Christian: Andy! What did you say to him?_

_Andy: Nothing! Look he saw us together OK and he looked upset. I just went in to see if he was OK._

_Christian: And you didn't wind him up?_

_Andy: No!_

Christian stared at him

_Andy: OK, maybe a little! But who cares Christian! Let's just enjoy the party!_

_Christian: Oh Andy! You idiot!_

He turned and walked out of the Vic scouting the square for any sign of him.

_Christian: Where are you Sy?_

He pulled out his mobile and pushed the speed dial button, laughing as he realised he hadn't changed it. It rang twice and went to answer phone. He kept ringing and ringing, knowing he was just pressing the reject button on him. Finally he answered him.

_Syed: What?_

_Christian: Where are you?_

_Syed: Leave me alone._

_Christian: Where are you Sy?_

Syed sighed at his name for him. He'd missed hearing it, missed hearing his voice saying it.

_Syed: Please... just... go enjoy your party. I'm fine... I just needed some air_

_Christian: Sy, what did he..._

_Syed: Please!_

He couldn't think of him, he didn't want to think of him.

_Syed: Please just... just leave me alone Christian._

As soon as he heard his voice break, as he could almost hear the tears through the phone he realised that there was only one place Syed would go to. The same place he would go to.

_Christian: I'm coming to find you._


	39. Chapter 39

**Christian's Birthday**

**June 15th (7:46pm)**

He opened the door of the alley and saw him leaning back against the wall. Even in his shadowy form he managed to captivate Christian's entire soul. So many memories flooded back to him, so many hot, sweaty memories filled his head. He was aroused just thinking of them.

_Syed: How did you know where I was?_

_Christian: Where else would you go?_

He took a step towards him. It had been so long since they'd been alone like this. The tension was already euphoric between the two of them.

_Syed: I'm sorry._

_Christian: What for?_

His voice was gentle, almost soothing as he kept walking towards him. Syed couldn't stop thinking of the last time they were here, of what had happened. How their lips had merged together, their bodies pressed together.

_Syed: For being like this._

_Christian: Don't worry about it._

_Syed: It just hurt! Knowing that you and him..._

He couldn't say it. He felt sick just thinking of it.

_Christian: Sy..._

Syed laughed.

_Syed: I've missed being called that_

_Christian: Have you?_

Syed nodded slowly.

_Syed: Yeah. I've missed everything about you._

Christian could feel himself stiffen, feel his blood pump through his body. He was so close to him, so close.

_Syed: I'm glad you've moved on_

_Christian: Moved on?_

_Syed: Yeah, I hope you'll be happy together._

God! He could hear his own voice and he didn't like it. Sarcastic, patronising, bitter even.

_Christian: What did he tell you?_

_Syed: Nothing._

_Christian: Sy! What did he tell you?_

_Syed: Your boyfriend took great pleasure in rubbing my nose in it. Telling me what you and him have been doing all afternoon._

Christian felt his anger rise inside him. He'd hardly been back 5 minutes and already Andy was causing trouble.

_Christian: And what exactly had we been doing all afternoon._

Syed stared at the floor awkwardly.

_Christian: Sy, tell me_

_Syed: What do you think_

Christian laughed.

_Christian: I don't believe him! Do you really want to know what I've been doing all afternoon?_

_Syed: Not really I could do without the details to be honest._

_Christian: I was round at Jane's. Alone._

_Syed: You don't have to say that._

_Christian: It's true! Sy I haven't slept with Andy. I haven't slept with anyone since..._

Syed looked up at him they're eyes locked together for the first time in so long.

_Christian: Since you._

Syed was both shocked and speechless.

_Syed: Really?!_

He'd said it to get a reaction, and that's exactly what Syed had given him. He felt so stupid.

Laughing slightly Christian held his gaze. God those eyes still made him melt.

_Christian: Really. How could I have? All I can think of is you._

Without thinking of what would happen next, without thinking of the ramifications of his actions, Syed threw himself at him, his entire body crushed against Christian's his arms pulled his face down to meet his and his lips almost smothered Christian's. Their mouths opened and they finally tasted each other again, their tongues once again exploring the familiar surroundings.

Christian lost himself in him, his face melting from the touch of his hand and his cock hardening as their groins rubbed together. But this was wrong, this was very wrong. His mind told him to stop, begged him to listen. He would hurt if he carried on, his heart would heal only to be smashed to pieces again. Taking his own advice he pushed him away, his entire body begging him not to, to pull him back into him.

_Christian: Sy..._

Syed took another step towards him, his blood rushing through his veins, his lips still plump and wet from their kiss. Christian sighed heavily as he closed his eyes. He couldn't look at him. If he did he'd loose his battle, he could never say no to those eyes. And the fact that he didn't even want to wasn't helping.

_Syed: Tell me you haven't missed me._

He ran his hand up and down Christian's arm. Even through his layers of clothing he could feel him. Feel his electricity surge through his body.

_Syed: Tell me you haven't missed this._

Christian shuddered as he felt Syed's hand brush his fingers.

_Syed: Missed me touching you._

_Christian: You know I have._

Syed slowly reached up to kiss him again, turning Christian's face back towards him.

_Syed: Then why fight it? Why fight me?_

Christian almost laughed as his own words came back to haunt him. Could he really say no to him. Did he even want to.

_Syed: I still want you._

Christian heard his heart screaming with joy.

_Syed: Tell me to go._

Christian was glad his eyes were closed. He knew Syed had unbelievably aroused look on his face, that same look that made him weak at the knees. Christian felt his hand travel upwards until it brushed the skin on his neck and instantly felt his cock spring into action. Traitor.

_Syed: Tell me to go. Tell me to stop._

_Christian: I can't._

_Syed: Tell me to kiss you then._

Christian gulped heavily. This was hard, saying no to him was such an impossible concept that he couldn't hold off for much longer.

_Syed: Tell me to wrap my lips around yours. Tell me you don't want me and I'll go. Tell me you don't want to be in me again.  
_

That was it, that was the last straw and he couldn't take anymore. Christian's heart spoke his answer before his mind could decide.

_Christian: Fuck it!_

His hands shot to the side of Syed's face as he pushed him backwards until he hit the wall. His lips found his again finally. His entire body shook. He gasped so loudly that Syed smiled through his kiss. He had missed him badly.

_Syed: I've missed you._

_Christian: Yeah? Show me._

His mouth was speaking before his mind could register what he was saying. He always knew it would let him down.

Syed's tongue probed his mouth as he the urgency take hold. He reached down and loosened Christian's belt, fumbling his way inside his trousers.

_Syed: Since when did you start wearing underwear?_

Before he could answer Christian called out as he felt Syed's warm hand wrap itself around his already hard cock.

_Syed: Fuck me._

Not waiting to be told twice, Christian pushed Syed backwards until he hit the wall and with one swift movement of his hand he undid his trousers and was finally stoking his cock again, smiling as he felt it stiffen from his touch.

_Syed: God I've missed this._

Syed's impatience was wearing thin and he started to tug on Christian's cock quickly, hearing him gasp and moan from the pleasure he had missed.

_Syed: I want you... In me. I've missed how you feel inside me. I've missed how you make me scream your name, how you make me beg for more._

Christian pulled himself away from him. He was at a crossroads. Did he stay and loose himself in the beauty that was Syed's body? Or did he leave while he still had the chance? Before he could decide what do do Syed's grabbed his hand and pulled him further down the alley until hey hit the dead end at the bottom. Covered in the darkness Christian saw only his eyes staring back at him.

_Syed: Here?_

Christian nodded as Syed smiled.

_Christian: Here. Turn around._

Syed heard him rip open the wrapper, heard the rubber squelch as he slid it down his cock and prepared himself for the blissful feeling that he knew was coming. He felt Christian's grip tighten on his shoulder and held his breath as he felt him line himself up against his opening, placing both his hands on the wall in front of him in preparation.

_Syed: Fuck me_

Syed called out his name as he felt him the glorious feeling of him deep inside him once again. Turning his head sideways Christian wasted no time in kissing him to silence him as he drove himself deeper into him, each thrust harder than the last. This was what he had waited for, this was what he wanted. This made all the pain worthwhile. Every thrust inwards brought such ecstasy to both men, each withdrawal brought anticipation for the next lunge. And still their mouths remained together, their tongues coiling themselves around their each others as the intensity of the situation grew around them. Syed had forgotten how it felt to be screwed by him, how wide he stretched him as he drove himself in.

_Christian: Fuck!_

He could feel himself coming already, the tingling sensation spreading through his body as his cock prepared to shoot out his relief to finally be inside him again. He relished in the fact that he was inside him again and how he, and only he, could make him reach this point so quickly.

_Syed: What?_

_Christian: I'm going to come!_

_Syed: Get off me._

Christian stopped moving.

_Christian: What?_

_Syed: Get off me._

Christian released himself and took a step backwards, groaning as he saw Syed pleasuring himself intensely as he turned around. He loved it when he did that and he knew it.

_Syed: Get on your knees_

Christian dropped the second he spoke, his mouth instantly filled with him, tasting him again. He'd forgotten how big he was, how wide his cock stretched his mouth.

_Syed: Make me come._

He pushed Syed back against the wall and sucked him, his tongue lashing around his cock as it slid in and out of his mouth.

Syed groaned as he held Christian's head steady and began thrusting himself in his mouth. The warmth of Christian's mouth felt incredible as he drove himself in deeper. His orgasm already travelling up his body showed him that no matter how many times he fucked himself, nothing, no dream or fantasy could ever compare to him in the flesh. He felt himself coming, felt the his throat ready to burst from the screams he was trying so hard to keep back until he couldn't stop himself. His entire body shook as he felt it leave him, felt Christian gulp it down and suck him until he was empty.

He was exhausted, physically drained from his orgasm but the adrenaline pumped through him as he reminded himself of what was still to come.

_Syed: Your turn._

He smiled through his pants as Christian rose back to his feet, his lips full and plump. He turned around, reached back to grab Christian's cock and pulled him towards him.

Christian wasted no tome in driving himself back into him. His orgasm had died down but was already at it's peak again.

_Christian: Fuck I don't want to come Sy!_

_Syed: Come for me. Fuck me hard like you used to. Just the way I like it._

Christian groaned. He always knew what to say to him, knew what would send him over the edge.

_Syed: I still make myself come thinking of you._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: All alone, with nothing and no one but you in my head. You fucking me. Fuck!_

Christian drove himself so deep inside him that Syed was pushed up to his tip toes. He felt himself tighten around his cock

_Syed: Don't stop! Don't you dare stop Christian!_

He pushed against the wall as hard as he could, pushing his body backwards and tensing himself as much as he could. The tenser he was the more Christian hurt him. And he loved it.

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Fuck me, I'm going to come for you. Fuck me harder. Please!_

Christian felt him grip his cock, felt his entire body turn rigid as he screamed out his name. He reached around and covered Syed's mouth with his hand, stopping the noise that would bring attention to them and kept pounding him, hard.

_Christian: Fuck Sy! I'm coming, I'm coming!_

It left him in long, drawn out spurts, each one as intense as the last with no end in sight. Christian felt the veins in his neck threatening to explode as he kept his screams hidden. He needed to moan, to shout, he needed to let loose the pleasure he was still having, the orgasm that was still oozing from his cock.

_Syed: Fuck me! I've missed you!_

Christian couldn't speak, his entire body was still reliving it, still experiencing the titillating sensation only Syed had ever given him.

Both remained still, their bodies still joined and their lips panting in unison.

_Syed: I almost forgot. Happy birthday._


	40. Chapter 40

**Christian's Birthday**

**June 15th (8:49pm)**

Christian stood outside the Vic, the smile still etched on his face as the images and sensations of moments ago refused to leave him. He could still taste him on his lips, feel his fleshy insides as he tightened around his cock. He could still taste his come in his mouth. A sigh involuntarily escaped him as he re-lived every beautiful second of it. Remembering how it felt to be that close to him again made him realise that, once again, he had forgotten the hold Syed had over him sexually. It had never been so intense for him before, so meaningful, and every time was always better than the last. Every fuck was more passionate, more intense than the beauty of the one it preceded. He'd never find that again in anyone he met.

_Syed: I thought you were going in before me._

Even the sound of his voice as he walked up behind him sent vibrations through Christian's body. He could feel his ambience before he even spoke, he knew he was near. He turned and saw him looking up at him lustfully, his lips still full from the lingering kisses they shared as soon as they'd dressed themselves, and he couldn't draw his eyes away from them. They seemed fuller in the dim light of dusk.

_Syed: Shall I go first?_

Syed's playful eyes and teasing biting of his bottom lip made Christian stand to attention again.

_Christian: Sy, stop it._

_Syed: What?_

His smile echoed in his words. He loved teasing him like this. Both seemed to have forgotten the reality of the situation as they stood outside. They forgot about the wife waiting patiently inside, the marriage that had been doomed from the start but had to be lived in, the obliviousness of their friends. And they forgot about their mutual pain because everything seemed normal to them at that moment in time. There was no one around them, no one else existed in the tiny bubble they'd kept themselves in for the past hour. There was only them, together. And happy, something neither of them had been for a long time.

_Christian: You know what! Stop teasing me._

_Syed: I thought you liked it when I teased you._

His whispering voice sent thrills through Christian's body and made his heart thud. It felt so surreal to hear him speak like that, almost as if the past few months hadn't happened. It felt as though the pain, the heartbreak, everything they had put themselves through was all make believe. In the here and now both were comfortable, cheeky and hopeless for each other.

_Christian: You know I do._

But reality had a way of creeping back up on Christian when he least expected it and now was one of those times.

_Syed: So why the sad face?_

Christian sighed heavily as he thought of how he'd phrase his words, but the truth was, no matter how he said it, it all amounted to the same thing.

_Syed: Christian?_

_Christian: Because I know that as soon as we walk back through those doors this last hour will be as if it never existed._

Syed looked at the floor, crest fallen. He was right. As always, he was right.

_Christian: Everything we said, everything we did, it'll be pushed to the back of our minds and we'll try not to think of it, of each other. We'll go back to the way we were, laugh as if it had never happened and just carry on, the way we always do. Except I wont be able to, I know I wont, not this time._

Neither will I Syed thought.

_Christian: I know that the second my eyes close tonight I'll be back there, with you and everything else around me will disappear. It'll just be us again Sy, just you and me, just the way I want it to be. I'll put myself through every second of it as I try and fall asleep, just to feel close to you again. Just to remind myself that it really did happen, that it really can be that beautiful. And to torture myself again. As much as it hurts Sy I like re-living it. I like the reminder of what you mean to me, of what it feels like to be with you._

_Syed: Christian…_

_Christian: It's OK I'm OK_

Syed stood there in silence. There was so much he wanted to say but as his eyes fixed themselves on Christian's face as he looked away from him he knew this was his way of saying everything he'd ever wanted to say.

_Christian: The thing is Sy, I thought it would be different. I thought that when I found 'the One' it would mean more than a quick fumble in an alleyway or keeping one eye on the clock or locking the door in case we were interrupted by the wrong person. I thought I'd have it all. I always pictured the mundane life made un-ordinary because I'd found that the one person that would always make me smile, make me happy. You're that person Sy, no one else will ever do. You and me, it's never been real has it? It's never been everything because so much has stopped us. We've got the passion, the lust, the love even, but that's where it stops. We've never had the comfort of being us, together._

_Syed: Of course we have. When it's just you and me, nothing else exists._

Christian turned his head and saw his hopeful eyes glare back at him.

_Christian: You and me? That's just a fantasy Sy, a dream. It only exists behind closed doors. Even now I can't stand as close to you as I want to, just in case._

Syed searched his hollow eyes, hoping he'd give him something to say. He felt wretched for everything, for letting Christian fall for him, letting his world collapse around him when he knew he deserved better.

_Syed: I'm sorry. I really am._

Christian turned back to face the Vic.

_Christian: Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry about Sy, it's just the way it is._

_Syed: Christian I... You know I wanted things to be different don't you? You know how I feel about you._

Christian nodded slowly.

_Christian: Yeah. I know._

And he did. He knew that every ounce of love he harboured for Syed was returned to him. But it just wasn't enough anymore.

_Christian: I'll see you inside?_

Syed nodded. Why did it feel like he was loosing him all over again?

* * *

Walking back through the doors, back into a completely different ambience to the one he'd shared with Syed was, as he expected, surreal. It was if it had never happened.

_Roxy: There you are! We were going to send out a search party!_

_Christian: Sorry Rox._

_Roxy: Here. Down it._

She handed him a shot glass with, judging by the smell, Christian recognised as tequila.

_Christian: In a sec. Where's Andy?_

He searched the room for him and found him backed into a corner. Alone, his face blank of all expression but as soon as he saw Christian he smiled and made his way towards him.

_Christian: You got a minute?_

Andy set his drink down on the bar and looked at him.

_Andy: Sure. You found him then?_

_Christian: What?_

_Andy: Syed. Look, I'm sorry OK. I shouldn't have said what I did to him. It's just..._

_Christian: I'm coming with you._

Andy stared at him.

_Andy: Sorry... What?_

_Christian: You're right. There's nothing here for me anymore._

_Andy: Christian I... I don't know what to say._

_Christian: Do you still want me to come?_

_Andy: of course I do! You know I do. But are you sure about this?_

Christian nodded. He couldn't put himself through again. Syed was gone, he realised that now, and as much as he wanted him he had to let him go.

_Andy: You'd better start packing then!_


	41. Chapter 41

**June 18th (10:18pm)**

_Jane: How many more do you need?_

_Christian: Um..._

He looked around the half empty flat and tried to concentrate. It seemed empty already.

_Christian: About another 3 should do it._

_Jane: OK, well there's none at the café so I'll pop down the unit._

His head shot around a soon as she'd said the word. The unit? Syed?

_Jane: It's OK, he wont be there Christian. It's 10:30. He'll be at home._

_Christian: Yeah. Yeah, I know._

He turned back and carried on wrapping his possessions, his mind trying to push out the images of his birthday, that alleyway. Syed.

_Jane: Don't you think you're being unfair on him? Just leaving without saying a word?_

_Christian: It's better that way._

_Jane: For who? Him... or you?_

_Christian: Jane... just leave it._

_Jane: OK, I just think you'll regret it if you don't say goodbye to him._

* * *

**June 18th (10:36pm)**

_Jane: Oh! Hi Syed. I um... I didn't expect anyone to be here._

_Syed: Yeah, we've got a bit order coming up, I thought I'd get a head start._

Jane couldn't help but look at the clock. It was late, to late for him to be here.

_Jane: It's late Syed, shouldn't you be getting home?_

_Syed: I'm fine. What are you doing here anyway?_

_Jane: Oh... I... I just needed some boxes._

_Syed: Boxes? If there's any here they'll be out the back_

_Jane: Thanks_

She suddenly felt awkward, keeping this from him when she thought he deserved to know was difficult for her, but it wasn't her business.

_Jane: Got them! Right well I'll.. I'll see you tomorrow._

_Syed: Not moving are you?!_

Jane spun around on the spot, her face guilty.

_Jane: No! No, just um..._

She couldn't think of anything to say. Any excuse, reason, nothing. Her mind was blank.

_Syed: Jane?_

_Jane: I should get back_

_Syed: Jane, what's going on?_

_Jane: Nothing! Nothing._

Syed could see from her face that she was hiding something.

_Syed: Jane?_

_Jane: He didn't want you to know._

_Syed: Know what?_

_Jane: He's moving Syed. He's going to Surrey with Andy._

* * *

**June 18th (10:48pm)**

_Christian: Hello?_

_Syed: Open the door._

_Christian: Syed?_

_Syed: Open the door Christian!_

* * *

**June 18th (10:49pm)**

He barged into the flat and saw the half empty room. It was true.

_Syed: You're leaving?_

Christian turned away from him. Seeing his face was hard enough, but that voice, that pleading almost desperate voice was gut wrenching. He was hurting.

_Syed: You're leaving me?_

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: How can you leave me?_

_Christian: I'm not. I'm not leaving you I'm just..._

_Syed: Just what?_

Silence fell. What could he say? What could he possibly say to make this bearable?

_Syed: Please Christian. Please. I can't do this without you, you know I can't. I can't keep this up without you here._

_Christian: Sy... please._

_Syed: Please. You're the reason I wake up in the morning. Knowing you're here, knowing you're near me. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed every day. If you go… I can't do this without you._

Syed rushed up to him, his pleading face breaking the shards of Christian's already shattered heart.

_Syed: Please, don't leave me._

_Christian: That's not fair Sy. You can't ask me to stay, there's nothing left for me here anymore._

_Syed: I'm here._

_Christian: But you're not though are you? You're not here for me. I can't call you mine, I never have Sy._

_Syed: Please Christian. Stay._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: Please._

Christian studied his face as the pause droned on. He was desperate, he was frightened and, perhaps more importantly, he was serious. He needed him here to life his own life.

_Christian: I can't. I just can't._

_Syed: But..._

_Christian: Don't you know what you're asking me to do Sy? I'll have to sit back and watch as you and her grow old together. I'll have to stand and smile at her when she tells me she's carrying your child and I can't do that Sy. I can't watch you walk around with a tiny bundle in your arms, watch the pride that'll be on your face because I know I can never give you that, I can never give you what you really want._

_Syed: Christi..._

_Christian: I can't watch you be the father you're so desperate to be Sy because I want that too._

_Syed: You... You do?_

Christian laughed.

_Christian: Of course I do. But I've accepted that, to be who I am, who I really am, I can't have those things. I had a choice Sy, live a lie to get what you want or be who you are and hope someone comes along and offers you the equivalent. I chose to be me Sy, I chose to be who I am and I slowly accepted that I could never have everything. I compromised. I accepted the fact that the perfect family life will never be mine._

Syed stared at him. He'd never heard him speak like this before. Out-going, boisterous Christian wanted the calm, picturesque life?

_Syed: I never knew._

_Christian: You never asked. If I ever get this again, what we have..._

Christian stopped himself.

_Christian: _Had_... If i'm ever lucky enough to feel like this again then yeah, maybe I can have that life. But I'll have a man by my side Sy and the child won't be ours. It won't be our flesh and blood. I can handle that now Sy, I really can because I'll get that perfect life, just with a few compromises. But you, you're half way to getting yours Sy and you only have to make one compromise. Don't let me ruin it for you._

_Syed: I can't believe I didn't know._

_Christian: Know what?_

_Syed: That you wanted it as well. The life, the house, the kids..._

_Christian: The husband?_

Syed laughed a little.

_Christian: Maybe I'll never have it Sy but you still can. Right now, I don't want anyone but you and I can't see that changing. Maybe one day it will maybe it wont. But you... you can go on, forget about me, about us. Live your dream Sy, live it for both of us._

Syed's eyes filled with tears. He was letting him go.

_Syed: When are you leaving?_

_Christian: Tomorrow. 3 o'clock._

_Syed: That Soon?_

Christian nodded.

_Christian: Why wait?_

_Syed: Will I see you before you go?_

_Christian: That's up to you._

Syed turns to walk out of the flat but turns back around.

_Syed: For what it's worth... me and you? I don't regret a second of it._

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: I don't. If I hadn't have met you then I wouldn't be who I am now._

_Christian: And who are you?_

Syed smiled.

_Syed: Same person I've always been. I'm yours._

* * *

**June 18th (11:05pm)**

He closed the door behind him and let out a sigh. That would probably be the last time he saw him. The last time he'd look at his face, see his captivating eyes, his luscious lips. That was the last time he'd see the face of the owner of his heart.

_Andy: Well you just can't help yourself can you?_

The figure appeared from the shadows.


	42. Chapter 42 The Twist

**June 18th (11:06pm)**

Syed jumped as soon as he heard his gravelly voice.

_Andy: You know he's leaving but you just can't let him go can you? You can't stand the thought of him being happy. Especially when it's someone else making him happy._

Syed bit his tongue and began to walk away. He was to emotionally drained to listen to him and his snide and provoking jibes at him

_Andy: Not talking to me now are you? That's a shame. Don't I even get a goodbye?_

Syed placed one foot in front of the other and kept going.

_Andy: I'll look after him for you Syed. Don't you worry about that._

The images he never wanted to see swam through his mind. Christian and Andy, alone, together. He couldn't stand it. He spun around on the spot, knowing it was a mistake to stoop to his level but he couldn't stop himself.

_Syed: If you ever hurt him I'll…_

_Andy: What? What will you do Syed?_

_Syed: You hurt him and I'll hurt you._

_Andy: Looks like I've got some catching up to do then doesn't it?_

_Syed: What's that supposed to mean?_

Andy stared at him, his glare frightening Syed a little

_Syed: Just don't hurt him OK. He doesn't deserve it._

Andy laughed, a loud booming laugh that made Syed feel he was missing something.

_Andy: Noble to the end aren't you? What is it about him?_

_Syed: Sorry?_

_Andy: Christian? What's his pull? What is it about him that made you feel like this?_

Syed looked at him confused.

_Syed: I… I don't know what you mean._

_Andy: Why him? Why him above all the others?_

_Syed: Others?_

_Andy: He wasn't your first Syed was he. So why him?_

_Syed: I don't know. I… It's not really any of your business is it._

_Andy: True. But I want to know._

_Syed: I could ask you the same thing._

Andy laughed again.

_Andy: Yeah, yeah you could. But I have an answer ready. You see, when I saw him yeah, I found him attractive, I mean who wouldn't? I saw him sitting at the bar, face like a slapped arse and straight away I thought 'rebound shag'. I can spot them a mile away. Some bloke comes in, drowns his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle and I take them home with me if they're lucky._

Syed shifted uncomfortably on the spot. He didn't like hearing him speak about him like that.

_Andy: I tried my best with him that night as well. But he wouldn't budge._

_Syed: So why did you stick around?_

_Andy: I felt sorry for him. See what you did to him? You made him look pitiful. And I've been there Syed, I've been to that low place he was in._

Andy took a step towards him and Syed backed away until he was pressed up against the wall. There was something different about him tonight, something almost sinister.

_Andy: So I stuck around. I thought to myself 'I'll grind him down in a week. If not, I'll cut and run'. And then! Ha, then he spilled his heart to me. About how he'd fallen for someone, how he'd married his fiancée, blah blah blah. Classic closeted gay in my opinion. I made all the right faces, said all the right things but I'd had enough. I couldn't take the waiting anymore._

_Syed: So why didn't you leave?_

_Andy: Oh, I almost did. I was almost out the door when he told me._

_Syed: Told you what?_

_Andy: You're name._

Syed looked at him confused as he walked closer to him, his eyes burning as they stared intently at him.

_Andy: You really don't remember do you?_

His face suddenly changed and Andy was angry, his eyes were furious as he spoke through clenched teeth.

_Andy: How can you not remember me Syed?_

His hand reached up and stroked his face.

_Andy: I know I've changed a bit but so have you. And I remember you. I remember everything about that night._

Syed stared at him. Andy? ANDY?! Oh God! He'd slept with Andy?! Why couldn't he remember him?

_Andy: 3 years ago? The yacht club? Leeds? We chatted, flirted and then you..._

Syed's eyes widened as he remembered.

_Andy: You came back to mine didn't you?_

Andy? ANDY?!

Andy smiled as he saw the realisation settle in Syed's head

_Andy: Ah, so you do remember me._

_Syed: But… but you look so…_

_Andy: Different? Yeah._

He was thinner now than he had been then but more muscular. His entire body had taken a different shape. And his face? It was barely recognisable. Syed remembered his head being shaved back then but remembered little else. It had only been the second time he'd slept with anyone.

Andy leant forward and whispered in his ear.

_Andy: You and me... God! It was good wasn't it?!_

Syed gulped back heavily. His rough hands on his face made him uncomfortable, uneasy. He needed to get away from him.

_Andy: Don't you remember Syed? Don't you remember you and me? Naked? Sweaty?_

He leaned in and whispered in his ear.

_Andy: Fucking..._

As his hand moved down and cupped Syed's groin he pushed him away.

_Syed: Don't you touch me._

_Andy: That's not what you said last time._

Syed held his gaze. He was not going to let him intimidate him like this.

_Andy: Are you still quiet? Do you still like being told what to do?_

_Syed: Stop it._

_Andy: You liked it when I told you what to do didn't you? You loved it when I was in control._

He refused to answer him, refused to take the bait.

_Andy: You loved every single second of it._

_Syed: Stop it._

_Andy: Do you remember me? Do you remember me… and you… do you remember what we did? You think I stuck around for him?! It was you. I waited for you Syed._

Syed couldn't speak. His heart was hammering in his chest, his blood seared through his body. How could he have forgotten him? Not recognised him?

_Andy: I woke up that morning and you'd gone. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? How much it hurt me?_

_Syed: I'm sorry._

He didn't know what else he could say.

_Andy: Sorry? Sorry that I waited for you come back that day? Sorry that I went back to that club every night for months, hoping you'd walk back in the door, back into my life. Sorry that you made me feel things for you?_

Syed's eyes found his. He was angry.

_Syed: Andy, it was... It was just one night._

_Andy: One night? What difference does that make? One night was all it took Syed. Do you have any idea what you did to me in that one night? I've never had it like that before!_

_Syed: I'm sorry._

_Andy: Stop saying that. You sound like you regret it._

Syed stayed silent. He didn't know what to do.

_Andy: Looks like it turned out OK in the end._

_Syed: Meaning?_

_Andy: As soon as Christian said your name I couldn't wait to see you again. See your face as you realised it was _me _sleeping with him, _me _helping him get over you._

_Syed: But you didn't..._

_Andy: No we didn't. But I tried Syed. I tried so hard to get him into bed. But you didn't know that did you?_

Syed shook his head.

_Andy: I couldn't believe it when you didn't recognise me! I was almost offended! But I bit my tongue, decided to give you a taste of your own medicine_

_Syed: What do you…_

_Andy: You hurt me Syed. You hurt me so much and I still wasn't over it. I thought I was but I wanted you to feel it as well. I wanted you to want someone so much but know you could never have them again._

_Syed: Andy I…_

_Andy: I saw you worm your way back in with him, watched you as you let him fall for you all over again and I thought to myself, why him? Why was he so special? What did he have that I didn't? What did he have that you wanted so much?_

_Syed: Andy… please. Just… just let me…_

_Andy: What? Explain? Talk your way out of it? Save it._

_Syed: He'll never sleep with you you know. You're not what he wants._

_Andy: You think so? Really? This time tomorrow night we'll be far away from here, from you. All on our own in our place. You really think we're going to sleep in separate beds?!_

_Syed: You don't deserve him._

Andy laughed

_Andy: You know what?! You're right!_

_Syed: What?_

_Andy: You're right! I don't, do I?_

Syed looked at him confused. He just couldn't work this man out. He said one thing, thought another and did something completely different.

_Andy: So make sure I don't get him then._

_Syed: Wha..._

Andy pushed his body onto Syed's.

_Syed: Make sure I never get the chance to fuck him._

Syed closed his eyes. He didn't need to ask him what he meant, he already knew. But he told him anyway.

_Andy: Fuck me._

Syed didn't move.

_Andy: You and me Syed, for old time sake_

He felt his skin crawl as Andy slowly ran his fingers up his arm.

_Andy: Come back with me now... fuck me._

His palm stroked his cheek

_Andy: And I'll leave without him._

He ran his thumb over Syed's lips.

_Andy: I'd almost forgotten how soft these were._

Syed could feel his entire body tense from his touch.

_Andy: How glorious they felt wrapped around my cock._

Syed held his breath as his thumb gently traced the inside of his lips.

_Andy: You made me feel so special that night Syed, I want to feel that again._

He dropped his hands to Syed's neck and turned him to face him.

_Andy: Come home with me, spend the night, and it's the last you'll ever see of me._

Syed couldn't believe he was even considering it. Considering _him _again. But if it meant Christian was safe, if he was away from him it would be worth it. Wouldn't it?

_Andy: Just think about it Syed. One fuck, that's all it'll take to get rid of me. Just a few hours and then I'll be gone. Isn't it worth it? It's not much really, not when you think about it. A few hours with me in exchange for a lifetime with him at your beck and call._

_Syed: That's not what I want. I want him to be happy._

_Andy: Just not with me._

_Syed: No, not with you. You don't deserve him, you don't even want him!_

_Andy: I don't want him?! Are you mad? Have you _seen _him?! Of course I want him! I just want you more._

His hand made its way down towards Syed's groin again.

_Syed: I said...don't touch me._

_Andy: Come on Syed, just once more? For Christian._

Syed gulped as he moved in closer.

_Syed: And you'll stay away from him?_

He saw Andy smile as he realised he'd won and it turned his stomach.

_Andy: You have my word._

He leaned in, his lips parted ready but Syed couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it.

_Syed: _No_!_

He tried to push him away but Andy kept hold of his jacket and pulled himself back up to him.

_Andy: Come on Syed, think of what I'm offering here. One night with me in exchange for a lifetime of Christian, dangling on your string. You'll be the one picking up the pieces. This time tomorrow, he'll be all yours._

_Syed: You're sick! _Sick_! You stay away from him._

_Andy: Come on! Let me see if I can still make you scream!_

_Syed: Don't..._

_Andy: Let me try and make you come._

His hand brushed the inside of Syed's leg as he pressed his groin up against his.

_Andy: Let me come up you._

That was it, he'd gone to far. He pushed him away so hard that Andy fell over as he went backwards.

_Syed: Stay the _fuck _away from me. Last time was a mistake Andy, do you get that? A mistake. It never happened and I'll make damn sure it never will again! You were the biggest mistake I ever made!_

_Andy: Isn't it worth making again tho? For him? Come on Sy_

_Syed: _Don't_! Don't you dare call me that._

Andy smiled.

_Andy: That's right. He told me you like his pet name for you. One night, that's all I'm asking for. One long, hot, never-ending night. It'll be just like old times._

_Syed: Old times? How can it be when I can't even remember._

Andy looked at him.

_Syed: Yeah, that's right. You were so memorable Andy that I didn't even recognise you! I can't remember sleeping with you, that's how good you were, that's how much I enjoyed it!_

Andy jumped back onto his feet and slammed him back against the wall.

_Andy: Now, now Syed. Play nicely._

Syed turned to face him.

_Syed: I will never sleep with you. Ever._

Andy took a step back and smiled at him.

_Andy: Have it your way then. I'll just have to fuck him instead won't I? Every. Single. Night!_

_Syed: I mean it Andy. you stay away from him._

_Andy: Or what?_

_Syed: I'll tell him. Everything you've just told me, I'll tell him._

_Andy: Tell him then! Go on! Don't you get it Syed?! He's not going to believe you now is he?! Why do you think I left it so long before I told you?! I had to be sure he was mine. I had to wait until he'd chosen me over you. So you tell him, you tell him whatever you want. He won't believe you anymore and you know he wont. Why should he?_

_Syed: Why wouldn't he?_

_Andy: Because I'll bet you anything that you were up there just now begging him to stay. Begging him not to leave you. He'll think this is your sick way of getting him to stay. I've been here for months and you've never even mentioned it. Imagine what he'll think if, suddenly, just because he's leaving, you decide that you've slept with me?!_

Syed looked at him wide eyed. He was right. Christian would believe anything he said now, knowing that he didn't want him to leave. It didn't matter what he said to him, he wouldn't believe him. He was right! Fuck, he was right.

_Syed: Stay away from him._

Andy laughed.

_Andy: He's mine now Syed, all mine. And there's nothing you can do about it._


	43. Chapter 43

**June 19th (2:36am)**

He lay in bed beside her silent sleeping frame. So oblivious, so blissfully oblivious. He almost envied her. To be unknowing like her was something he wished he could be again. If only. He could forget everything, forget who he was, who he wanted, what he was about to lose. But he couldn't forget could he? Because if he forgot then he'd lose that feeling he had inside him. That feeling only Christian had ever stirred. That feeling that was beyond love. No matter what had happened he'd never felt so alive, so infused with emotion as he had been with Christian. Every inch of him fell for him, every bone in his body loved him. Every breath that escaped him was one more breath that said I love you.

And now he'd spoiled it. He'd already ruined his life but now he was about to shatter it completely, destroy that last ounce of trust he held and he didn't even know it yet.

Syed lay there wide awake, listening to the poisonous words as they swam around his head. Andy, sick, vile, disgusting Andy. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have not recognised him?! How the hell could he have blocked out that he had... He couldn't even think about it. Remembering that night made him sick, made his stomach twist inside of him.

But slowly it came back to him. Slowly every detail returned to him. He remembered why he had gone back with him, how Andy had convinced him that he was what he wanted, that he wanted him. How he followed him nervously up the stairs, let him touch him, hold him, kiss him.

Rubbing his eyes as though it would erase the memory, Syed threw back the duvet and sat up. He didn't even enjoy it. It was messy, rushed, a disaster as far as Syed was concerned. But it still happened and now it was coming back to haunt him, haunt Christian.

Christian.

It was bad enough what he was doing to him but for Andy to suddenly join in, turn it into a game? It was wrong. He had to warn him, tell him everything. And he had to make him see that he was telling the truth.

* * *

**June 19th (2:50 am)**

A strange yet familiar buzzing sound broke his dream and pulled him from his slumber. Turning in his confused dream-like state to stare at the clock Christian groaned aloud only to turn back over and try to return to his dream. But it wouldn't stop, the insistent droning noise he recognised as his front door continued its echoing through his flat. Climbing out of his bed, Christian stumbled his was over to the door sleepily.

_Christian: What?!_

_Syed: I need to talk to you._

As soon as he heard his voice he wished he'd stayed in bed. The last thing he needed now was another showdown with Syed.

_Christian: Sy! Do you know what time it is?_

_Syed: Please! It's important._

_Christian: Look, Sy. I'm going OK. I'm sorry but I am._

_Syed: It's about Andy_

Christian groaned, he really wasn't in the mood for this right now.

_Christian: Sy..._

_Syed: He's wrong for you! He doesn't deserve you! He..._

_Christian: Syed! Stop OK, just stop it._

_Syed: He'll hurt you! I know he will!_

_Christian: What? Just like you did?_

Silence fell between them.

_Syed: Can I come up? I don't want to talk about this on the street._

_Christian: Yeah? Well I don't want to talk about it at all._

_Syed: But..._

_Christian: Syed please!_

_Syed: There's things you don't know about him Christian! Things you need to know!_

_Christian: I'll find out by myself Sy!_

_Syed: It'll be to late by then! Please Christian, please just listen to me. If you need to leave then leave, but you have to leave alone! He's.... If you leave with him then it'll be the biggest mistake..._

_Christian: If he's a mistake then I'll find out the hard way won't I. I'm not your problem anymore Syed._

_Syed: No, you're not listening..._

_Christian: NO! You're not listening Syed! You have to let me go! You can't keep doing this to me! Whatever I decide from now on, I decide on my own. If it works out then great, if it doesn't then I'll pick myself up and get on with it, just like I've always done._

_Syed: But Andy..._

_Christian: Isn't important Syed! If he hurts me then he'll hurt me. There's nothing I can do about it!_

_Syed: Christian please, I need to tell you something._

_Christian: I've heard it already! You want me to stay and you know why I can't. Please just... just let me go Sy. Let me have my own life, my own choices. My own mistakes._

_Syed: Christian..._

_Christian: Please Sy, please. Just go._

_Syed: But..._

_Christian: GO!_

* * *

**June 19th (2:59am)**

_Masood: Where have you been._

_Syed: Dad? What are you doing up?_

_Masood: I could ask you the same thing._

Syed looked at his father forlorn. He didn't have the strength to lie anymore.

_Masood: I'm getting ready for work Syed. Just like I do every morning at this time._

_Syed: He's leaving._

Masood looked at him with a blank expression. There was no need to ask him who he was talking about. He already knew.

_Syed: Christian's leaving._

_Masood: You can't blame him Syed. It's not easy for him is it? Watching you and Amira._

_Syed: No dad you... you don't understand._

_Masood: Understand what?_

Syed sat down next to his father at the kitchen table and rested his tired head in his hands.

_Syed: It's such a mess dad. I've made such a mess of everything. Everything's falling apart and it's all my fault._

_Masood: How do you mean?_

Before he could stop himself Syed told his father everything. Everything Andy had said to him, what had happened between them in the past and what he was offering him now.

_Syed: I couldn't do it dad. Not even for Christian! What does that say about me?!_

_Masood: That you have more self respect than you give yourself credit for._

_Syed: What?!_

Masood studied his face.

_Masood: Do you want my opinion?_

Syed nodded.

_Masood: Ignore him._

_Syed: What?!_

_Masood: Andy. Ignore him. Christian isn't stupid Syed, he'll work out for himself the type of man he is._

_Syed: But... I need to tell him dad! He needs to know!_

_Masood: And you think he'll believe you? Come on Syed, he'll shoot you down before you even get a chance to explain._

_Syed: So what? I'm supposed to just let him leave with him?_

_Masood: No. Like I said, you ignore him. He isn't important in this Syed, he's just the stop gap. Christian knows that and he'll move on pretty soon. Trust me._

_Syed: Dad, you're not making any sense._

_Masood: OK. He's making do at the moment Syed. Christian knows he's lost you and he's just grabbing on to whoever's close. It just so happens to be him. He doesn't want him nor does he need him. He just thinks he does. If he just has someone there to talk to, be with, then he wont think about you so much. He's hurting Syed and his heart is telling him he has to stop. He's felt something for you that he never dreamt possible and he's frightened to be alone now. He needs someone with him just to stop himself falling for you all over again._

_Syed: So I let him get his heart broken all over again?!_

Masood laughed.

_Masood: I don't think you've got anything to worry about there! His heart hasn't mended from you yet, do you really think he'd let anyone else near it?! He's built a wall around himself and he's not letting anyone near him, not for a long time._

_Syed: But..._

_Masood: If you don't want him to go then stop him. But stop him because you want him to stay, not because you're trying to protect him. He's a grown man and he'll keep getting hurt Syed, just like the rest of us. You can't wrap him up forever unless you're the one that's there to make sure it never happens._

Syed stared at his father is awe.

_Masood: Ignore Andy, put him at the back of your head and forget he's even there. What he did to you is inexcusable Syed but he wants you to suffer from it. He wants you to think that if you did what he asked you to then Christian wouldn't be leaving._

_Syed: But he wouldn't tho, would he?_

_Masood: And you really believe him? You really believe that he'd have kept to his word?_

_Syed: Well... Yeah._

Masood smiled at him gently.

_Masood: And that's your problem Syed. Even when a person's shown you their worst, you still refuse to believe that they'll stoop that little bit lower. He wouldn't have stuck to his end Syed, he'd still be leaving with him today._

Syed suddenly felt foolish. He'd believed what he said, actually considered sleeping with him because he thought it would make everything that little bit more bearable for Christian. But hos father was right. Now that he'd heard it out loud he knew he was right.

_Masood: The truth will come out eventually and Christian probably won't even be with him when it does. If you're going to do this Syed you have to do it for you and him. No one else._

_Syed: Do what?_

_Masood: Stop him from leaving._

_Syed: Dad I..._

_Masood: If you do this Syed you'll lose so many things you've always wanted._

_Syed: I know dad. I just..._

_Masood: Just ask yourself one question Syed._

_Syed: Dad..._

_Masood: Just one question, one simple question with a one word answer._

Syed looked into his eyes.

_Masood: Can you live without him?_


	44. Chapter 44

**June 19th (9:28 am)**

_Amira: Morning._

As she sat down in front of her mother in-law at the kitchen table she couldn't suppress her yawn. Syed's constant tossing and turning in the early hours of this morning had awoken her every time he moved.

_Zainab: Morning Amira. Toast?_

_Amira: Just coffee for me please. I need something to keep me awake. I think Syed might be coming down with something._

_Zaianb: How do you mean?_

_Amira: He hardly slept last night, just kept tossing and turning. And I lost count of the amount of time I woke up and he wasn't there._

_Zainab: Wasn't there?_

_Amira: I think he knew he was waking me so cam down here._

Amira gave one long yawn as her coffee was placed in front of her.

_Amira: I think he's sad._

_Zainab: Sad?_

_Amira: Hmm. He just seems so... down at the moment.  
_

Zainab turned away from her. He'd be fine, she kept telling herself. He'll be fine.

_Zainab: So! What are your plans for today?_

_Amira: Nothing much really. I might pop over and see Chelsea actually. Do you need me in the unit today?_

_Zainab: No we, um... We should be OK today._

_Amira: Great! See you later._

But Zainab didn't answer her as she flitted out the front door. She was still convincing herself that she didn't need to worry about her son, that he'd get over this, over him.

* * *

**June 19th (9:45am)**

He stood against his window as the world outside rushed by. Everything seemed so normal, so nonchalant. His glazed eyes focused on nothing as his mind ran back through everything his father had told him. Every piece of advise he had ever heard from him swam through his mind, counter-balancing his mother's pleadings.

He was torn. Follow his head and his mother, or his heart and his father?

Nothing he had ever been through in his life had affected him like this. Nothing had constantly embedded itself in his mind, eaten away at his soul until he felt himself break. And yet he welcomed the feeling. He graced the presence of the broken feeling inside of him more as each second passed because that was the feeling he associated with Christian now. Gone were the days when a smile from him would warm him, all it did now was show him what he had lost. But it was better than nothing at all.

His eyes fell as his tears rolled from his eyes. How many more would he shed over him? It was his own doing and yet he couldn't stop.

A knock on the door awoke his mind but he ignored it.

_Zainab: Syed? Oh! You're awake._

His eyes shot open as he heard her voice. She couldn't see him like this, see him regretting what he'd done.

_Zainab: Syed?_

_Syed: Don't mum. Please… just don't OK._

_Zainab: What is it? What's wrong?_

Trying his best to steady his breath as he spoke failed miserably so he remained silent and still.

_Zainab: Syed?_

He gazed out the window again at the world below, almost feeling cheated that no one knew the pain he was going through.

_Zainab: Syed?_

_Syed: Mum! Please just… I need to be on my own._

Slowly he turned to face her, aware that his weeping eyes would betray him instantly. He was right. She held her arms out to him, ready to embrace him but oblivious to the reason why.

_Zainab: Oh Syed, what's happened? Is it Amira? Have you argued?_

She knew it was him, knew he was, once again, shedding tears over a man, but decided to play up to her ignorance.

Syed couldn't stifle his laugh. Amira. It was always about Amira with his mother.

_Syed: No mum, we haven't argued._

His hair falls down his face but is pushed back by her hands as she smiles at him.

_Zainab: Then what is it?_

Should he tell her the truth? Or lie? Again? Both will hurt her, one will crush her. But he had to tell her, he knew that. She had to know how he felt.

_Syed: He's leaving mum._

He kept her gaze as his tears began to flood his eyes.

_Syed: Christian's leaving._

_Zainab: Oh Syed!_

She pulled him into a tight hug and, as much as it hurt her to know what she did, what he was feeling now hurt her even more. He was her son, her flesh and blood and he was hurting.

He tried to keep his sobs inside him. She didn't want to hear them, he knew that. But there was something about her embrace that told him it was OK to feel like this.

He cried silently as his tears fell on her shoulder. Finally he felt as though she understood what he was going through.

_Zainab: Maybe its for the best Syed. maybe this is just what you need._

Then again, maybe not.

_Syed: What?_

_Zainab: If he's away from here, away from you, you can get on with your life._

_Syed: No mum… you don't understand. I..._

_Zainab: Shh. You can finally be who you want to be. Have everything you've ever wanted._

_Syed: But..._

_Zainab: Syed, listen to me. Everything you've dreamt of is so close now. You'll regret it if you throw everything away._

_Syed: Its not though mum. Everything I've ever wanted, what I've really wanted, is about to walk out of my life forever._

_Zainab: No Syed, what you want is a family. That's what you've always wanted isn't it?_

He nodded.

_Syed: But I've found something I want more mum. I've found him._

_Zainab: Syed…_

_Syed: No, please mum. Please listen to me. He's what I want. He's what I need._

_Zainab: He's not Papoo, you only think he is._

He flinched as she called him that. For years she had managed to pull his strings with the use of her pet name for him. But not anymore. He had to tell her the truth, tell her what she didn't want to hear.

_Syed: Nothing's changed mum. Nothing. How I feel about him it's... it's euphoric, it's idyllic. It's love._

There was something different about the way she looked at him. He couldn't place what the change was but something about her eyes calmed him.

_Zainab: I can't do this anymore Syed. I can't keep having this argument with you._

_Syed: We're not arguing mum._

_Zainab: You know how I feel._

Syed nodded.

_Zainab: You know what I want for you, what I think is best for you._

Again, he slowly nodded her head.

_Zainab: But you're the one who's got to live your life Syed. I can make all your choices but they wont make you happy will they?_

Syed slowly shook his head.

_Zainab: Whatever you decide, you must be sure Syed. If you chose him then that's your life now. But you must tell her. If you stay with Amira, then everything you feel for him has to be forgotten. You will never stray from the path, never so much as look at another ma..._

She struggled to say the word but as soon as she saw his face, the hopeful look in his eyes she finished it.

_Zainab: Man. Whichever you chose, you must chose for you._

_Syed: Help me mum. I... I'm in hell. It's him I want, I know that but..._

_Zainab: But?_

_Syed: But each time I decide I think about what could happen, what we'll lose. I cut and run mum. I stay with her because it's the safest option._

_Zainab: This is your life Syed, your choice. No one can decide this for you._

_Syed: But..._

_Zainab: No one._


	45. Chapter 45

**June 19th (9:56 am)**

She slammed the kitchen door behind her so hard the house rattled. Damn him! Damn Christian. Even now, now he was leaving, he had this hold over him. She'd hated saying those things to him but after seeing the change in him lately she knew she was fighting a loosing battle

_Masood: Zee? Everything OK?_

_Zainab: No. I need you to speak to Syed._

_Masood: Why?_

_Zainab: You know why._

Zainab stiffened as she thought of him.

_Zainab: About him._

_Masood: Christian?_

_Zainab: Please Mas, just talk to him._

_Masood: He's upset Zee, what do you expect?_

_Zainab: Masood!_

_Masood: Fine! For all the good it'll do._

He went to open the door but she stood in front of him.

_Zainab: And what do you mean by that?_

_Masood: He's beating himself up over this Zee._

_Zainab: It's not real Mas, it's just some… infatuation, a friendship that went wrong, to far._

Masood started to laugh, stopping only when he realised that she was serious.

_Zainab: What's so funny?_

_Masood: Do you know what your son was doing last night?_

Zainab shook her head and her body stiffened as she pictured them together.

_Masood: He was being blackmailed into sleeping with a man he can't stand just so Christian wouldn't get hurt._

_Zainab: What?!_

_Masood: Andy? Syed slept with him Zee, years ago and he told him that if he did it again he'd leave today without Christian._

Zainab stood there in a shocked silence.

_Masood: And Syed considered it. He considered doing that with a man that physically repulses him just for Christian. Just so that Christian wouldn't get hurt._

Her mouth wide open and her heart pounding from her anger, Zainab went to speak but had no words.

_Masood: I think this is more than a friendship gone to far. Don't you?_

* * *

**June 19th (10:04am)**

_Masood: Syed?_

_Syed: I just want to be left alone, is that too much to ask for in this house?!_

He went to storm from the room but his father grabbed him and pulled him into him, holding him tightly.

_Syed: I feel like I'm losing him all over again._

_Masood: Shh._

_Syed: I wish I'd never come here_

_Masood: You don't mean that_

_Syed: I do. At least then I'd never have met him, I'd never have hurt him and I'd never have put you and mum through all this._

_Masood: How many times Syed? Your mother and I have been through worse. I told you when you made your decision that you had to think of no one but yourself and you didn't listen did you? You thought of everyone else but you._

_Syed: What was I supposed to do Dad? What would you have done?!_

_Masood: Don't shout at me Syed, I'm on your side._

_Syed: Sorry._

_Masood: I would have done exactly the same thing I did with your mother. I'd have followed my heart. Maybe you should have done the same._

_Syed: It's to late now._

_Masood: Its never to late Syed._

* * *

**June 19th (10:45am)**

He still hadn't moved. He stood against the window as the nothingness that was to be his life from now on embraced him.

Amira, poor Amira. Why did she have to fall for him? Why couldn't she have found someone more deserving, someone who would give her what she needed and wanted. Someone straight.

_Amira: Syed? What are you doing?_

He looked out the window

_Amira: Syed?_

He closed his eyes to try and block her out. He had waited for her to come to him, waited and wondered at how he would tell her.

_Syed: I'm fine. Just…_

_Amira: Are you coming? To the Vic?_

_Syed: Why?_

_Amira: To say goodbye! To Christian! Why didn't you tell me he was leaving?_

_Syed: The Vic?_

_Amira: Roxy's throwing a last-minute-goodbye party for him and Andy._

_Syed: No, i'm not going._

Andy. God-damn Andy. He cast his mind back to the previous night and what he'd said, that he'd leave alone. But his father edged his way into his mind. Syed knew he was right, that he wouldn't have left alone but it still didn't make him feel any better.

_Amira: Why no.._

_Syed: No Amira! I don't want to be anywhere near them!_

_Amira: Ok._

An awkward silence filled the air.

_Amira: Syed, are you ok?_

_Syed: Im fine I just … need to be left alone._

* * *

**June 19th (10:45am)**

_Jane: Everything packed?_

_Christian: I think so. Are you sure you don't mind bringing all this down for me?_

_Jane: Of course not. Besides, it'll get me out of the cafe for a day._

Christian smiled at her.

_Jane: Now if I could only drive a removal's van I could get rid of Ian for the day as well!_

_Christian: You don't mean that!_

Jane laughed.

_Jane: Don't I?! You'll see. When you're all settled and the honeymoon period's over you'll be dying to get rid of him for an hour!_

* * *

**June 19th (10:56am)**

_Amira: Why won't you tell me what's wrong?_

Syed turned to face her, his eyes swimming with tears.

_Amira: Aw babe, I'll miss him as well. Come here._

She held out her arms to him and waited for him to come to her, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand her sympathy when he was pining for Christian.

_Amira: Syed?_

_Syed: Please, just leave me alone._

He turned back around and looked out the window. Somehow the emptiness of the square calmed him.

_Amira: At least come and say goodbye to him. He doesn't know when he'll be back._

_Syed: He wont be back._

_Amira: Sorry?_

_Syed: He wont be back. Ever._

Amira smiled.

_Amira: Of course he will! He's only moving to Surrey! He's hardly going halfway around the world!_

_Syed: He wont be back._

His voice was silent as the realisation hit him. He wasn't just leaving, he was disappearing.

_Amira: Syed, please. I don't like seeing you like this._

He held his breath as he prepared to turn and face her. This was it. This was finally the moment.

_Syed: Amira..._

_Amira: Why are you being like this? I'd have thought that you'd be happy for him. Finding someone he loves and wants to be with._

He spun around on the spot as soon as she uttered the word.

_Syed: He does not love him!_

His loud voice frightened even himself.

_Amira: OK, sorry._

She backed away from him slightly as the anger took over his entire face

_Amira: Shall I tell him you're busy then? But you're saying goodbye?_

_Syed: Tell him what you want._

_Amira: Why are you being like this?_

_Syed: Please..._

_Amira: No. I want to know what's going on Syed. You wont talk to me anyone, you hardly even look at me anymore. Tell me what's wrong._

_Syed: Amira…_

_Amira: Because something is..._

_Syed: Please…_

_Amira: You can't go from happy to this in the space of a few hours Syed!_

_Syed: Just drop it._

He could feel it bubbling up inside of him, every thought out word was swimming around inside his head, out of sequence and threatening to just burst from his mouth. He had to tell her and he had to tell her now.

_Syed: Amira I..._

_Amira: How selfish are you?_

_Syed: What?!_

_Amira: Why can't you be happy for him?_

_Syed: You think I'm selfish?!_

_Amira: I know you'll miss him, I'll miss him, everyone will miss him…_

Syed stared at her.

_Syed: Selfish?! Of all the things I am Amira I am NOT selfish._

_Amira: But you're letting him leave thinking you don't care!_

_Syed: Of course I care!_

_Amira: So show him._

_Syed: What?_

_Amira: Show him you care._

_Syed : Amira please..._

The double meaning in her words stung him.

_Amira: Grow up Syed. He's not yours. You don't own him. He has his own life, his own choices and he's made this one for himself._

Syed stared at her.

_Amira: What's he got to stay for around here?_

_Syed: I..._

_Amira: Nothing Syed! Nothing! Why can't you be happy for him?_

_Syed: Stop pushing me._

_Amira: Pushing you? How am I pushing you?_

_Syed: You just wont shut up will you!_

_Amira: Who do you think you are speaking to me like that?_

_Syed: Just… go. Please._

He couldn't do it, not now, not like this. He was to angry, to upset, to hurt. He turned away from her once more and the tears threatened to fall.

_Amira: Fine. I'll say goodbye to him, but if he asks me about you I wont lie for you Syed._

She turned to walk away.

_Amira: I thought I knew you but I don't. I have no idea who you are anymore._

_Syed: What's that supposed to mean?_

_Amira: I thought you were kind, compassionate. But you're not are you?_

Syed practically ignored her

_Amira: You don't deserve him._

Her words hit a nerve with him and he spun on the spot.

_Syed: I don't deserve him?_

_Amira: No. you don't_

_Syed: And you think I don't know that? You think I'm that clueless to know that I destroy everything I touch, everyone I get close to?_

_Amira: What's that supposed to mean?_

_Syed: Nothing._

_Amira: Syed, what…_

_Syed: Oh Amira please, just leave it. Leave me alone._

_Amira: Tell me!_

_Syed: He's leaving because of me!_

_Amira: What?_

Syed stared at her, her eyes wide in wonder and panic.

_Syed: Just go. Please._

_Amira: Tell me what you meant._

The silence was deafening

_Amira: Tell ME!_

_Syed: I'M GAY Amira!I'm gay.  
_


	46. Chapter 46

**June 19th (11:00am)**

_Amira: You… You're…?_

_Syed: I'm sorry._

_Amira: You're...? You can't be Syed!_

_Syed: I'm sorry Amira, I really am._

_Amira: But... but we've... we've slept together! How could you have..._

Amira gasped as the pieces slowly came together in her mind. Syed? Gay?... Christian!

_Amira: You and... you and him?_

Syed nodded slowly.

_Amira: You've been seeing him?! Behind my back?! While we've been..._

Silence.

_Syed: I love him._

_Amira: But… you love me._

_Syed: Not the way I should. Not the way you want me to._

_Amira: But…_

_Syed: Amira… I'm…_

_Amira: What?_

Amira sloped down onto the bed.

_Syed: I'm sorry._

_Amira: How long?_

_Syed: What?_

_Amira: You and him. How long?_

_Syed: Does it matter?_

_Amira: Does it?… Of course it matters Syed! Before we got married? Before we got engaged? When did it start?_

_Syed: A year ago._

_Amira: A year ao..?!_

Syed nodded as she stood up to face him. Without any warning she slapped his so hard his neck hurt from the force her hand turned it.

_Amira: How could you?_

_Syed: I…_

_Amira: How could you Syed?!_

_Syed: I don't know. It all just… happened._

_Amira: And that makes it OK does it?_

_Syed: No of course no..._

_Amira: Why didn't you end things with me? I mean, you proposed, you married me. You slept with me…_

Her eyes widened.

_Amira: Please tell me you weren't thinking of him._

Syed's eyes widened

_Amira: Tell me you didn't think of him when we..._

_Syed: No! No. I promise you._

_Amira: You promise? That means nothing anymore. Nothing Syed._

* * *

**June 19th (11:25 am)**

_Andy: Hello!!_

Christian spun around to see him standing in the door way.

_Christian: What are you doing here?_

_Andy: Thought I'd come and help... Then drag you over the Vic for a bit._

_Christian: I'm not really in the mood._

_Andy: Sorry babe, I'm under orders._

He walks over, takes his hands and tries to lead him outside.

_Christian: Orders?_

_Andy: Yup, Roxy's throwing you a 'can't believe you're leaving with such a handsome man' party._

He couldn't help but laugh at him.

_Christian: But I've still got so much to do here._

Smiling, Andy turned around and opened the door.

_Andy: Ta-Da!_

Jane, Ian and Peter were all stood in the doorway.

_Andy: The sooner we get it done the sooner we can leave._

* * *

**June 19th (11:36 am)**

_Syed: What do we do now?_

Amira wiped her eyes and steadied her breath as she rose from the bed.

_Amira: I'm packing my bags. You? You can do what you want._

Syed laughed

_Amira: Sorry, did I say something funny?_

_Syed: I haven't done what I wanted for so long, I've no idea where to even start._

Amira looked at him.

_Amira: What? You want my help now do you?_

_Syed: No. of course not._

_Amira: Good._

She walked towards the door.

_Amira: How long have you known Syed?_

_Syed: I... Why?_

_Amira: Because I want to know if it was me. Did I change you?_

_Syed: What?! No! No of course you didn't!_

_Amira: So how long?_

_Syed: I've always known, I just never admitted it to myself._

_Amira: And you and Christian? You love him?_

Syed nodded.

_Syed: I'm sorry Amira._

_Amira: Don't. Don't ever be sorry for falling in love._

* * *

**June 19th (Noon)**

_Christian: That's it! I'm packed._

_Andy: Good. My God you've got some crap! I mean, look at all these boxes! What's in them?_

_Christian: I do not have crap!_

_Jane: Oh please, you've been a hoarder ever since you were little!_

She turns to Andy.

_Jane: Keeps everything he comes into contact with. I remember his drawers used to be over flowing!_

_Christian: I knew where everything was tho didn't I?!_

_Ian: Um, are we going? Only I could really do with a pint after all that!_

_Jane: Not used to manual labour are you dear!_

* * *

**June 19th (12:12pm)**

_Amira: Are you really going to let him leave?_

Syed shrugged his shoulders. The truth was that he'd been building up to telling her so much that he never actually thought of what he'd say to Christian to get him to stay.

_Amira: You've just given up everything and you're letting him walk away. Grow a backbone Syed._

_Syed: What?_

_Amira: Go to him. For his sake more than yours._

_Syed: Why are you being like this? So… calm._

Amira laughed.

_Amira: If it was another woman Syed I could understand. I could shout, scream, fight for you. But its not is it? What you want, only one person can give you. And he's about to walk away for good. There's nothing I can do about it is there?_

Silence filled the room.

_Amira: I'm going to book a taxi._

_Syed: Where will you go?_

_Amira: The only place left for me. My dad's_

His eyes widened in horror. Her father?! He didn't want to think of what would happen to him when he found out.

_Amira: Don't worry. I wont say why I'm there._

_Syed: I just don't get it. Why aren't you angry? Shouting, running out into the street and telling everyone who'll listen what I've done to you? Why are you so... nice?_

_Amira: You think I'm nice?! I'm not nice Syed, trust me. But what can I do? I can't beg you can I? I can't ask you to stay with me. There's no point. If you're gay Syed then I've already lost the battle. I lost it before I even met you._

_Syed: But everything I've done to you..._

_Amira: Will haunt you. I know it will... Syed, do you love him?_

Syed nodded.

_Amira: Then there's your answer._

_Syed: But…_

_Amira: No buts. Please Syed, I want you to be happy. Please. You've hurt me so much that it hasn't even begun to sink in yet. But I still love you and I want you to be happy._

_Syed: I never did deserve you did I?_

_Amira: Yes, you did. Maybe I just didn't deserve you._

* * *

**June 19th (12:48 pm)**

_Christian: Hey! I thought you weren't going to make it!_

He searched for Syed knowing he wouldn't be there.

_Amira: Stay. Please._

_Christian: And miss out on the delights of Surrey!_

Amira's face was serious.

_Christian: I can't. There's nothing here for me anymore._

_Amira: Syed's here._

Christian looked at her quizzically. There was something different in the way she spoke.

_Amira: I can't stay, I've got a taxi waiting._

_Christian: Going shopping?_

_Amira: No. I... Is this what you want? Do you love him?_

_Christian: Andy?_

Amira nodded.

_Christian: He's lovely. He's kind and he can give me what I need._

_Amira: That's not what I asked. Do you love him._

_Christian: I might. In time._

_Amira: Still not over him then?_

_Christian: Sorry?_

_Amira: That bloke from a few months ago._

_Christian: I don't think I ever will be._

_Amira: Then you should stay. Try again with him._

_Christian: He doesn't want me._

_Amira: That's not true and you know it._

She hugged him tightly. She couldn't blame him, not really. All he'd done was fall under Syed's spell, just like she had.

_Amira: Look after yourself._

_Christian: Yeah, I will. You too._

* * *

**June19th (12: 50pm)**

_Jane: You OK?_

_Christian: I don't know._

_Jane: Where's Amira going?_

_Christian: I don't know._

_Jane: Oh. Syed's not coming then?_

_Christian: I don't know._

_Jane: Is there anything you do know?!_

_Christian: These days? I really don't know sis._

* * *

**June 19th (1:04 pm)**

_Zainab: Hello? Anyone home?_

She closed the door behind her stopping dead as she saw the 3 bags that were packed and sat at the bottom of the stairs.

_Zainab: Syed!_

_Syed: They're not mine._

His voice echoed from the sitting room and, almost charging in, she saw her son, sitting fairly calm in the chair

_Zainab: Then…?_

_Syed: Amira. She's leaving me._

Her puzzled face was expected but Syed still avoided looking at it.

_Syed: I told her._

_Zainab: What?!_

_Syed: I told her mum. She needed to know._

_Zainab: You've just lost everything Syed._

_Syed: I know. But I really don't care mum._

He laughs in jest.

_Syed: Because the only thing I care about is outside, getting ready to leave here, leave me and I can't stop him because you don't want me to do you?_

_Zainab: Don't. Don't you dare blame me for all this_

_Syed: Why not? You know how I feel mum, you've felt it yourself! But you'd rather me live a lie wouldn't you? I know that everything you've said to me has been a lie. Every word you said to me this morning hasn't come from the heart! You don't want me to be like this but I can't help it! It's who I am! And I will never be comfortable with myself until you accept that! I'm not going to spend the rest of my life making someone else miserable! It's not fair!_

_Zainab: What isn't fair Syed is you, throwing all this away for something that might not even be real._

_Syed: Real? Real?! This is the only real thing in my life!_

Silence filled the room as their eyes refused to meet.

_Syed: If you had the chance, would you do it again?_

_Zaianb: What?_

_Syed: Would you go through all that again? Just to be with dad?_

_Zainab: This isn't the same Syed_

_Syed: It is mum. Would you? Would you go through everything you've been through, knowing what would happen, knowing the hurt, the pain, the shame. Would you do it?_

_Zainab: I'm not discussing this with you Syed_

_Syed: Would you?!_

_Zainab: This discussions is over!_

_Syed: You..._

_Zainab: Over!_


	47. Chapter 47

**June 19th (2:08 pm)**

_Andy: Shall we make a move?_

_Christian: It's early yet._

_Andy: Sooner we get there, the sooner we can... settle in!_

_Christian: Um... OK._

He forced a smile onto his face. But the truth was, now the moment had finally come, he just wasn't interested in him.

_Christian: Why not. Just... just give me a minute yeah?_

He walked out into the sunshine and stared down at Syed's house. Dare he go down to say goodbye? Would he be able to leave after seeing his face?

_Tamwar: You're off then?_

_Christian: Tam! Hey! Yeah, almost. Where's your brother?_

_Tamwar: No idea. I haven't been home yet._

_Christian: Listen, can you do me a favour?_

Tamwar nods

_Christian: Can you give him this?_

He reaches inside his back pocket and hands him an envelope. So much was said in so few words.

_Tamwar: Sure._

_Christian: Thanks. I'll see you around then._

_Tamwar: yeah, I guess you will. Take care._

_Christian: Yeah. You to._

He walked back into the pub regretting his decission despite knowing it was the right one. Seeing Syed again would change his mind and he couldn't do that. He had to break away from him.

_Christian: Ready?_

_Roxy: Oh no you don't! You are pulling one more pint and having one last drink with me before you go anywhere Mister!_

**

* * *

June 19th (2:12pm)**

I want him. I need him. I can't live without him.

Over and over these words ran through his mind until he just couldn't stand it anymore. He needed to be with him and only him. He needed Christian.

He didn't feel the ground beneath his feet or the wind in his hair as he ran, all he felt was the happiness that was waiting for him.

The door infront of him stayed shut, no voice came from the intercom but still his finger stayed pressed against the button. Where was he? He checked his watch but it was to early for him to have left yet. And then he remembered. The Vic.

_Tamwar: There you are!_

_Syed: Tam!_

_Tamwar: I've been looking for you everywhere._

_Syed: Why?_

_Tamwar: Did I see Amira leaving just now? In a taxi?_

_Syed: She's leaving me._

_Tamwar: Why?_

_Syed: I don't really have time for this Tam. I'll explain later OK. Have you seen Christian?_

_Tamwar: Not since earlier. Oh!_

He reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out the envelope Christian had handed him earlier.

_Tamwar: He asked me to give you this._

Taking it from him he felt his heart stop. Oh god. This was it. This was his final goodbye.

_Tamwar: Syed?_

There was nothing, nothing he wanted to say.

_Tamwar: Syed are you OK?_

_Syed: Not really Tambo._

_Tamwar: What's going on?_

He looks up

_Tamwar: Amira's leaving you, I've just seen mum and she's frantic, dad's so calm it's a little scary and now you're standing outside an empty flat looking as if…_

Syed looked up into his baby brother's eyes and instantly he saw that he knew.

_Tamwar: As if you're world's just fallen apart. Syed?_

He looks at him, his face unreadable.

_Syed: Let's go somewhere Tam._

_Tamwar: Will you just tell me?_

_Syed: I will, but not here._

_

* * *

_They sat down in the corner of the cafe, waited for their drinks to be brought over and sat in silence until Tamwar finally began.

_Tamwar: How long have you known_

_Syed: Known what?_

_Tamwar: That you're gay_

_Syed: What?!_

_Tamwar: Come on Syed, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out does it?_

_Syed: Doesn't it?_

_Tamwar: Your wife is leaving you and you don't seem to have noticed. Our mother has been slowly going crazy for the past few weeks. You argue whenever you're in the same room as her and to top it all off, you're stood outside the door of a gay man with tears in your eyes and, what I assmue to be some kind love letter in your hand._

Syed laughed. Tamwar really did amuse him sometimes.

_Syed: Ok, little bit obvious._

_Tamwar: So?_

_Syed: So what?_

_Tamwar: Are you going to answer me? How long have you known._

_Syed: I've always known Tam. It's only now that I've accepted it._

_Tamwar: And you and Christian? How long's that been going on for?_

_Syed: A year._

Syed laughed as he remembered.

_Syed: A year ago today to be exact. I ended it before Christmas, just after dad's accident._

_Tamwar: Why?_

_Syed: Some kind of Karma._

_Tamwar: Sorry._

_Syed: When dad crashed his car I was telling Christian that I loved him. It was Allah's way of…_

_Tamwar: You love him?_

He held his gaze and nodded.

_Syed: I really do Tam._

_Tamwar: Be honest with me Syed, and spare me the details ok, but are you sure? Is it just about the sex or…_

_Syed: No Tam! No, it's not. I love him. I shouldn't but I do._

_Tamwar: Shouldn't?_

Syed looks at him.

_Tamwar: Why shouldn't you?_

_Syed: Are you serious?!_

_Tamwar: Well, I just don't see why you shouldn't. You can't help who you fall for can you?_

_Syed: He's a man Tamwar!_

_Tamwar: No! I never noticed!_

_Syed: This isn't funny!_

_Tamwar: I'm not laughing. I just… I don't see what the problem is._

_Syed: It goes against everything we believe in!_

_Tamwar: Well that didn't seem to bother you before so why should it now?_

_Syed: Because it's different now. So much has happened. I never expected to fall for him or for him to fall for me._

_Tamwar: He loves you?_

_Syed: I don't know how he feels about me anymore. I've hurt him so much. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me._

_Tamwar: But he's told you? That he loves you?_

Syed nodded.

_Syed: The first time he told me was months ago. I thought he was just drunk._

_Tamwar: And was he?_

Syed shook his head.

_Syed: He was serious._

_Tamwar: So…?_

_Syed: So what? You've got no idea what he's gone through. He's never opened himself up like this before. I'm the first person he's ever really loved and look at what I do to him._

_Tamwar: Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe you hurt him so badly that he doesn't care anymore. Or maybe he thinks you're worth it._

Syed stared at the table

_Syed: Aren't you ashamed of me?_

_Tamwar: Why would I be ashamed of you? You're still you aren't you?_

_Syed: Yeah but…_

What? What Syed? He couldn't even answer himself anymore.

_Tamwar: What?_

_Syed: You'll be the one with the gay brother. It'll destroy you. No family will let you near their daughter when they find out._

_Tamwar: You don't know that. Besides, I'm having zero luck on the female side so I wouldn't worry about it. Mum would probably scare off anyone that's interested in me anyway. You'll be the least of their worries._

Syed laughs.

_Syed: I can't believe you're being so calm._

_Tamwar: That's me isn't it. Voice of reason and all that._

His comedy never ceased to amaze Syed.

_Tamwar: Do you love him?_

Syed nods.

_Tamwar: And he loves you._

Syed nods again.

_Tamwar: So what are you waiting for? You'll spend the rest of your life regretting this Syed, you know you will._

Syed looks at the letter.

_Tamwar: Open it. Go on, I wont look._

Taking a deep breath He rips it open.

_Tamwar: What does it say?_

_

* * *

_Sy,

This is it then? You're reading this so you never came to say goodbye. I don't blame you but I am sorry. I'm sorry i never got to see you once more. Never got the chance to drown in your eyes, loose all trail of thoughts as i watched your lips moved.

Nothing's changed Syed, not for me. You'll always be 'The One'. Always. But I can't be here anymore, you know that. The hardest thing you can do is watch the one you love, love someone else. I'm weak in that way Sy, i can't watch as you give her your heart, not when I know it belongs next to mine.

I always remember my mother telling me how it felt to fall in love. She explained that we were given two hands to hold, to legs to walk, two eyes to see and two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find. I found it in you Sy. I may be leaving but i'm not letting you go. You have no choice in that either. Whether you want me to or not, i'm never letting go of the part of you inside me. I'll admit that it's probably a bit strange, going on with my life when you have my soul but we're all a little weird. Life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. Even if it all falls apart, if i fail to move on from you, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you

I know i'm nothing special. I'm just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, that has always seemed impossible. Now it just seems like enough. If I know what love is then it's because of you.

Everyone always told me 'love hurts', but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that doesn't hurt.

These nights i've spent without you have been the longest of my life but filled with such happiness because they've been filled with you. Every dream I have is filled with you and that will never change.

So, this is it. This the last goodbye. But before i seal away my heart I want you to know that, to me, you are everything. You're the reason I was made. And if I had to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I love you.

None of that matters, not anymore. You know how I feel about you Sy, you know how I will always wish our lives could have been spent together. All I want you to nkow is this.

I'm still yours Sy. I always will be.

xxx

* * *

Slowly Syed drinks in his handwriting, his words, his love.

_Tamwar: Syed?_

He pushed the paper accross the table towards him. As Tamwar reads it Syed's eyes never leave his face.

_Tamwar: Kind of says it all really doesn't it?_

_Syed: Yeah. Yeah it does._

_Tamwar: So? What are you going to do?_

_Syed: I'm going to get him back._


	48. Chapter 48

**June 19th (2:46pm)**

_Andy: Christian! Get in! We'll never leave!!_

He broke from his hug with Roxy and smiled.

_Roxy: You take care of yourself yeah?_

_Christian: I will babe, you know me._

_Roxy: Oh come here!_

She pulled him back into their hug, only tighter.

_Roxy: I'm going to miss you so much!_

The sound of a horn tooting broke their embrace.

_Roxy: Alright! God, he can't wait to get you alone can he?!_

He smiled as he walked backwards, blowing her, Jane and everyone else that had come to see him off a kiss. But still no Syed.

_Christian: Bye._

It was barely a whisper.

_Andy: Finally! I thought I was going to have to leave without you!_

The car door closed behind him and it felt like his doom was being sealed.

_Andy: Ready?_

He slowly pulled away from the kerb and already Christian could feel the horror of what he was doing. But he stayed silent. This was the only way out now. He could hear him talking beside him but his words didn't register, all he could think of was what he was leaving behind.

_Andy: What the...? Will you get out of the way!_

The blasting of a horn broke Christian from his daydream.

_Andy: Get out of the bloody way woman!_

Christian stared at her through the window and swallowed hard as he opened the car door.. One last time he thought, one last showdown.

* * *

**June 19th (2 :52pm)**

_Christian: What do you want Zainab? I'm going aren't I? I'm leaving him. What more can I do?_

Turning her gaze from turns to face Andy.

_Zainab: Don't you dare speak to me._

Christian looks at her surprised and confused.

_Zainab: Don't you dare even look at me._

_Christian: Zee?_

_Zainab: You think you could get away with what you did? What you tried to get him to do?_

Andy didn't move, he didn't even look at her.

_Zainab: You stay away from my son. If you so much as breathe the same air as him again I will hunt you down and I will rip you to pieces!_

_Christian: Zee! What's going on?_

_Zainab: If you so much as look at him again, it will be the sorriest thing you will have ever done. Do you understand me?_

_Christian: Will someone please tell me what's going on here._

_Andy: Yeah, I'd like to know as well._

_Zainab: Playing the innocent now are you? Forgot it ever happened because he turned you down? You're not fit to say his name!_

_Christian: Andy?_

Andy shrugs his shoulders.

_Andy: I've got no idea babe. She's clearly lost her..._

_Zainab: You were a mistake. He regrets it and you can't handle the fact that he doesn't want you can you?_

_Christian: Andy?_

_Zainab: That he couldn't even remember you should show that he's clearly forgotten about you but you just couldn't let go could you?_

Christian stares at him.

_Zainab: You've stirred this for months, turned him against himself, tried to blackmail him into sleeping with you and now you're trying to take him away from him?_

She laughs.

_Zainab: Well I'm not going to let you!_

She turns to Christian

_Zainab: Get your bags._

_Christian: Excuse me?_

_Zainab: Get. Your. Bags._

He looks at her in wonderment. Suerly she wasn't serious?

_Zainab: You're staying here._

_Christian: Zee..._

_Zainab: You're staying Christian! With my son._

She walks around, pulls his bags out from the boot of the car and throws them by his feet

_Andy: Are you going to let her tell you what to do?_

_Christian: Is it true?_

_Andy: What?_

_Christian: Is it true? Did you really do that?_

_Zainab: You want to know what he did Christian? I'll tell you what he did. Last night after Syed left you he threatened him, messed with his mind._

Christian couldn't look at either of them.

_Zainab: If he slept with him, then he'd leave without you. It was never you he wanted, he wanted revenge on Syed._

_Christian: I... I..._

_Zainab: It seems that your 'friend' and my son were acquainted before either of them came here. The only difference is Syed couldn't remember him. He on the other hand, couldn't let go._

_Andy: Don't you talk about me as if i'm not here!_

_Christian: Is it true? Did you do that? Did you tell him that?_

_Andy: I can't believe you're even listening to her! She's trying to turn you against me!_

_Christian: Why would she want to? Why would she lie? She's glad to see the back of me! Why would she lie to keep me here?_

_Andy: I don't know. Some kind of sick joke?_

_Zainab: I think you're the sick joke here! Now get in your car and get out of my son's life._

Andy turned to Christian, his face said it all.

_Christian: Is it true?_

_Andy: Had to get my leg over somehow didn't I? Did you honestly expect me to wait all that time for you and never get anything out of it?!_

Without warning Christian punched him, blood pouring from his nose the second his fist made contact.

_Christian: Just go! I should have listened to him. He tried to warn me but no, you had to twist everything he said didn't you?_

_Andy: Yeah, he's good like that. Perfect bloody Syed! God, what the hell did I see in him? In either of you?_

They stood side by side as they watched him drive off. Neither moving and both speaking in hushed tones.

_Zainab: Now you listen to me and you listen good. If you ever hurt him, I will hunt you down and break you apart, piece by piece. Do you understand me?_

_Christian: No. I don't…_

_Zainab: He chose you and there's nothing I can do about it._

_Christian: But… Amira?_

_Zainab: He told her. Silly girl gave you her blessing._

Christian sighed into his smile.

_Zainab: I hope you've got a big wardrobe. That boy has more clothes than anyone I know._

_Christian: But…_

_Zainab: Do you still love him?_

Christian nodded

_Christian: I never stopped._

* * *

**June 19th (2:54pm)**

_Tamwar: Well go on then! Before you miss him!_

Syed smiled as he leapt from the chair. This was it. He was finally going to get his happy ending!

He Swung open the door just to see a car turn the corner.

_Syed: No..._

He stares at them as they turn the corner and out of his life.

_Syed: No!_

His leg break into a sprint before he can stop himself. Not now, not when they were so close.

_Syed: Christian! CHRISTAIN!!_

But he's gone, he's actually gone. As he falls to his knees on the floor the cries escape him. He's lost him, he's losst him forever.

_Zainab: Syed..._

The warmth of her embrace circled him._  
_

_Zainab: Mum! What have I done? I've lost him. He's gone._

_Zainab: Syed…_

_Syed: I can't mum! I can't live without him._

He knew people were watching could hear him but he didn't care. Everything had just fallen apart.

_Syed: I love him mum, more than I ever thought. I..._

Slowly she pulled him to his feet.

_Zainab: Do you remember what you asked me this morning? About your father?_

_Syed: What?_

_Zaianb: You asked me if I'd go through it all again. Well I never answered you. The answer's yes. I would go through that every day of my life even if it meant I could have just one more kiss from him. He was worth it Syed, he always will be._

_Syed: Mum I…_

_Zainab: I can't hide from who you are anymore Syed. You are my son and I love you. And if you chose a life with him then who am I to stand in the way of your happiness._

_Syed: But..._

_Zainab: I love you Syed. And... I accept you for who you are._

Syed hugs her as she smiles at him. But it was to late.

_Zainab: Oh Pappo..._

_Syed: Thank you mum. But it's to late._

_Zainab: Turn around_

She reached up and wiped the tears from his confused eyes..

_Zainab: Turn around Syed_

Slowly he turns his head and sees the only person in the world he wants to see. Christian

_Syed: But I..._

_Christian: Apparently, I'm not allowed to leave._

_Syed: What?_

_Christian: I have to stay here. With you._

Christian walks up to him as Zainab steps away from them.

Christian: She's going to be the mother in law from hell isn't she?!

He takes his face in his hands and softly brushes his tears away. He'd missed this, missed touchin ghim, the feeling of their skin when they gelled together.

_Syed: I don't… why are you still here?_

_Christian: Complaining?_

_Syed: No! no I… I don't get it._

_Christian: You should have told me._

_Syed: Told you?_

_Christian: About Andy._

_Syed: How did you?_

_Christian: Your mother.  
_

_Syed: I don't know myself until last night._

His gaze fell to the floor.

_Christian: You would have done it?_

Syed couldn't meet his eyes as he nodded, ashamed of himself.

_Syed: I couldn't tho, I just couldn't._

_Christian: I'm glad._

_Syed: Christian I…_

_Christian: Don't Sy._

_Syed: No, please. I have to say this._

He held his breath as he steadied himself.

_Syed: I'm sorry. Everything I've done to you, everything I've said, I'm sorry._

_Christian: Sy…_

_Syed: Please. I fought so hard against you, against myself but I lost every battle. I know you're wild, I know you're dangerous and I know you're bad for me but I need to feel the world spin. You're the only one that can do that._

_Christian: Sy…_

_Syed: I want you Christian. I want to be able to call you mine again, to feel everything you feel. I need to touch everything you touch, be everywhere you are, love everything you love, breathe every breath you take. I want to be a part of every move you make._

_Christian: Sy…_

_Syed: I want you to forgive me. I need you to forgive me. I've hurt you, I know I have. But I hurt myself as well. I need you to heal me as I heal you._

_Christian: Syed!_

Silence fell as his smile widened on his face.

_Christian: Finished?_

He nods.

_Christian: Good. Now get up those stairs. We've got some serious catching up to do!_

_Syed: But... you haven't got a bed._

Flashing his cheeky at him, he knew he was finally back where he belonged.

_Christian: Since when have we ever needed a bed?_


	49. Chapter 49

Guys

Firstly, a HUGE thank you to each and every single one of you that have taken the time to sit and read this fic! It wasn't as easy as I thought but, now it's finally done, I can honestly say Horray!!

To everyone who has posted a review, you have no idea how good they make me feel, every single one of them always makes me smile. I truely am grateful that you took the time to, not only read, but comment on this.

More fic is on the way but this time i'm giving the long one's a miss and sticking to the short fics. Advanced warning tho, they'll all be smutty!!

Again, HUGE thank you to you all! Hope you enjoyed it!

Saz

xxx


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